Is my partner saying they don't like me?

[chickendinner12]

I will use they/them pronouns when discussing my partner.

I'm in pretty much the opposite position of someone who posted earlier so I wanted to post my experience. I've been dating my partner for about 10 months. They come over about two or three times a week for sleep overs. Today they came over just to hang out and cuddle, and they asked if I wanted to go out xmas shopping together. On the ride back home we started talking about people we know. I said, "Did you see Jamie's post on facebook?"

"No, what did she say?"

"She said she's got engaged and hopes everybody finds their person. Maybe I have."

My partner said, "I'm not sure I have honestly. I thought I had with my last partner but turned out not to be the case (they got divorced) so I am being cautious."

I just said, "Ah, I see."

After a few minutes of silence they said, "I hope I didn't sound too lukewarm." I just dropped it, I didn't say anything else on the topic, but inside I was thinking "Well, after 10 months I guess they really aren't into me, despite them saying "I love you" all the time, and so I might actually be wasting my time."

Maybe they felt like I was cornering them talking about Jamie's engagement, I wasn't suggested we tie the not right now, but maybe they felt like I was. Maybe we both misinterpreted what the other was really saying. 

I don't know, is it time to call off this relationship or should we just forget this whole conversation as a miscommunication? 

Edited December 18, 2023 by chickendinner12

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

Maybe we both misinterpreted what the other was really saying.  

That's what it seems like. Let the dust settle and focus on how you're treated in the relationship overall.

Edited December 18, 2023 by Wiseman2

[CaliforniaGirl]

That sounds a little chilly to me. I doubt it is that they don't like you, but that's not how to.speak to someone who is opening up.

[basil67]

I'm sorry.  I think it was very clear that you were speaking about them when you "maybe I have (found my person"  And it was very clear that they have not found their person.  It sounds like they see you as some kind of ongoing casual thing.   What talks have the two of you had previously about clarifying your relationship?

 

[chickendinner12]

29 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What talks have the two of you had previously about clarifying your relationship?

 

We started out as just friends with benefits, but then after a month of that they said they wanted to talk and said their feelings towards me felt more romantic than casual. But that was back in March. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I think it was very clear that you were speaking about them when you "maybe I have (found my person"  And it was very clear that they have not found their person. 

This. 

I don't think you misinterpeted anything, OP, and I don't think your partner misspoke. They don't feel the way you do, and now you have to figure out what you will do with that revelation. 

[Alpacalia]

Unless you're looking to get married, I wouldn't say that this conversation is necessarily a cause for concern. You've only been dating for 10 months and the marriage comment probably caught them off guard. You did refer to them after mentioning an engagement as "Maybe I have found my person". Sounds like your language may have contributed to the conversation feeling strain-filled.

[stillafool]

There was no misinterpreting from you, they meant exactly what they said.  When your partner tells you "Maybe I have found my person" it is something you want to hear them say if you're in love with them.  When they reply back "I'm not sure I have, honestly", they were making it clear.  Especially when they come back with "I hope I didn't sound too lukewarm" is not taking it back and saying they meant something else.   This person isn't serious about you.

[BaileyB]

To clarify, what kinds of things have you discussed (if any) about your intentions for the future. Are you actually dating/exclusive? Have you met each others friends/families? Have you discussed he idea (in general terms) of what you both want in the future - maybe moving in together, possibly getting married, having children? 

[Gaeta]

@chickendinner12: please refresh my memory, is your someone in an open relationship? 

If it's not you l apologize ahead of time.

[ShyViolet]

15 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

My partner said, "I'm not sure I have honestly. I thought I had with my last partner but turned out not to be the case (they got divorced) so I am being cautious."

I just said, "Ah, I see."

After a few minutes of silence they said, "I hope I didn't sound too lukewarm."

If my partner said this to me, I would be seriously rethinking the relationship.  Your partner is clearly telling you that they aren't that into you.  I would never want to be with someone who is not that into me, whose feelings towards me are  lukewarm and weak.  I'd rather be single than settle for that.

With that being said, I think it was weird and way too much that you even brought up engagement when you've been dating 10 months.  That was a bad idea, but it's still no excuse for your partner's response.

[chickendinner12]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Unless you're looking to get married, I wouldn't say that this conversation is necessarily a cause for concern. You've only been dating for 10 months and the marriage comment probably caught them off guard. You did refer to them after mentioning an engagement as "Maybe I have found my person". Sounds like your language may have contributed to the conversation feeling strain-filled.

I think that sounds reasonable, I wasn't trying to say "let's get engaged/married soon," I was just trying to say something nice about our relationship, so maybe that came off the wrong way and their response meant "I don't wanna commit to anything like marriage just yet." Other people seem to think they're saying they don't really like me though. Maybe I should ask my partner to clarify next time we talk. 

Edited December 18, 2023 by chickendinner12

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

"She said she's got engaged and hopes everybody finds their person. Maybe I have." After a few minutes of silence they said, "I hope I didn't sound too lukewarm."

This type of oblique statement is bound to be confusing. Please try to focus on how the relationship is overall, how they treat you and how happy you are. 

[MsJayne]

16 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

My partner said, "I'm not sure I have honestly. I thought I had with my last partner but turned out not to be the case (they got divorced) so I am being cautious."

This is insulting and very hurtful. They're pretty much telling you they don't trust you and don't see a future with you because they're still licking their wounds over their divorce. Projecting negativity from previous relationships on to new relationships is behaviour guaranteed to hurt the new partner and turn things toxic, so they should be dumped poste haste before they do any more damage. It also should give you an insight into why they ended up divorced, they probably said hurtful, damaging things in that relationship too. In short, they have the emotional intelligence of a cornflake and will trash any relationship with their negative attitude. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said:

Other people seem to think they're saying they don't really like me though. Maybe I should ask my partner to clarify next time we talk. 

It's wise to talk this through, but please don't use the phrase "don't really like me".   I haven't seen anyone suggest that they don't really like you.  Rather, they don't see you as a life partner. 

There's an enormous difference between not liking someone and not seeing them as a life partner.  They may well be fond of you, just not in love

[chickendinner12]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

To clarify, what kinds of things have you discussed (if any) about your intentions for the future. Are you actually dating/exclusive? Have you met each others friends/families? Have you discussed he idea (in general terms) of what you both want in the future - maybe moving in together, possibly getting married, having children? 

We have sometimes. I was a considering a job across country several months back, and we were talking about moving together if I got that job, so I am not sure if the marriage subject was just a scary idea. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I think that sounds reasonable, I wasn't trying to say "let's get engaged/married soon," I was just trying to say something nice about our relationship, so maybe that came off the wrong way and their response meant "I don't wanna commit to anything like marriage just yet." Other people seem to think they're saying they don't really like me though. Maybe I should ask my partner to clarify next time we talk. 

Not everyone is sold on the idea of marriage. Doesn't mean you can't be life partners or that you can't be committed to each other. Marriage is a social and legal institution  that doesn't necessarily define the depth and strength of a relationship. They have said that they love you from what you've written. Again, if marriage is important to you, then have an open and honest conversation with them about it and find a way to honor your commitment to each other.

But if you're dead set on it and they're not then maybe you guys aren't on the same page. 

The context matters, you mention an engagement so they probably interpreted it as you bringing up marriage. If marriage isn't a priority for you, then I don't think this conversation is something to end the relationship over. How you jump from them not wanting to get married after ten months to them not liking you is a bit confusing.

Edited December 18, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I don't know, is it time to call off this relationship or should we just forget this whole conversation as a miscommunication? 

Please make sure you feel secure in the relationship with direct communication. Unfortunately these types of loaded statements and questions are fishing for reassurance and as you can see only leads to confusion.

You went from cuddling and Christmas shopping to wanting to break up over a reaction to a reaction of a FB post? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

 we were talking about moving together if I got that job, so I am not sure if the marriage subject was just a scary idea. 

Are you wondering about monogamous relationships more now?  Because "maybe I found my person" seems like you would like a one-on-one committed relationship.  

 

[Els]

On 12/18/2023 at 1:58 PM, chickendinner12 said:

"She said she's got engaged and hopes everybody finds their person. Maybe I have."

My partner said, "I'm not sure I have honestly. I thought I had with my last partner but turned out not to be the case (they got divorced) so I am being cautious."

Honestly, in this context I feel like it could have been either of those things (not feeling it vs feeling pressured). If you hadn't mentioned someone getting engaged (and they didn't mention getting divorced immediately after you said that), I would have been more on the side of "not feeling it". However, considering that you specifically mentioned engagement, and they specifically mentioned not wanting to rush because of a prior divorce, I also think it's reasonable that they might just be telling you they don't want to get engaged yet. 10 months is really early.

Why not just have a conversation with them and ask them?