I found my boyfriend looking at naked women online?

[Becky1108]

Myself (F23) and my partner (M27) have been in a relationship for 3 and a half years now. Nearly one year in I found out that he was masturbating over girls online, most of them were random fitness models he had found through a social media account for his job, but one girl, was someone I actually knew personally (he was doing this whilst I was out, at work, and even sneaking downstairs to do this whilst I was sleeping), I felt absolutely awful and that was the start of my self esteem being absolutely ruined, before that I used to be a confident individual and was very happy with how I look, I haven’t been blessed with the biggest breasts but I was finally learning to accept that. After fighting about it multiple times I chose to try to forgive him and work through it and he promised he would do whatever was necessary to gain back my trust as I felt betrayed and so disgusted, he promised he’d never do it again. Having sex was difficult for a good few weeks after this as I felt so anxious and uncomfortable and worried that he was thinking of these other women instead of being focused on me. A few months passed and I had started to move on from that, however we ended up in a bad place, due to him suffering with his mental health, I then discovered that he was watching porn, all the feelings that I had felt the first time came rushing back and again I felt so betrayed, it completely broke my trust again but he said it was because he was in a bad place and that he’d had a porn addiction in the past etc, I made it clear that I was not okay with this and it made me feel disrespected, and that if this was something he wanted to continue doing and was more important to him then we should not be together. He again promised to never do it again. A few more months passed and I had a gut feeling that he was keeping something from me, so I went onto his phone and saw that he’d been on porn sites, I asked him about it, but just told him that I had a gut feeling, and did not tell him that I found out through going on his phone, because he would try to make the situation about me snooping as opposed to him disrespecting my boundaries that I had clearly set. He denied it and as I kept pressing he blurted out that he had been watching it, sometimes multiple times a day (even 5 times in one hour on one occasion), this just caused me to feel even worse, it made me feel like I was not good enough, he wasn’t attracted to me and I didn’t satisfy him enough, he said it’s nothing to do with me but he had an addiction and said he knew how bad it was and promised that he would never do this again, ever since we have actually been in a very good place and I haven’t had any suspicions really, there are times when I’ve felt anxious and I have asked him and he’s said that he promises he has not been masturbating over women and that he has come to realise how toxic the porn industry is. Today, I had an uneasy feeling and decided to check his phone, on his frequently viewed on his browser was a site called ‘boobychristmas’, I clicked on this as I thought it was odd and in all honesty I didn’t think it would be what I saw. This site is essentially an advent calendar where each day a photo/video of a topless woman is available to view, they even promote their only fans etc on there. Now my boyfriend claims to hate only fans and thinks it’s disgusting, yet he’s looking on sites like this? He works with some sleazy guys and this is the type of thing they would send around, however I do not believe it is a case of he was sent the link to this and has visited it once to see what it was, as he would have told me (he will tell me about that kind of thing), but it’s also in his frequently viewed which tells me he’s been looking at this very often. I am utterly disgusted and feel so low, my confidence has been knocked back yet again, and I do not know what to do. I want to confront him, but how can I do that as I saw this by looking through his phone? He will absolutely try to twist this to make me look like the bad guy for looking through his phone (I know I shouldn’t have). I don’t know what to do as I know feel like he will never stop this and I just cannot trust him. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Becky1108 said:

. I don’t know what to do as I know feel like he will never stop this and I just cannot trust him. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? If not, just walk away, if so, move out. 

Sadly this relationship, his habits, his mental health and the ongoing cat and mouse game policing his sexuality and masturbation habits is making you miserable.

Please set yourself free rather than trying to fix or change him. There's no point sticking around and being miserable. 

Edited December 19, 2023 by Wiseman2

[introverted1]

It is entirely normal for your 27yo bf to watch porn. Assuming he is not unable/unwilling to have sex with you as a result, your best bet would be to stop snooping through his phone. 

What is your sex life like? 

[NuevoYorko]

It is not within your purview to set boundaries for your boyfriend and what he can watch or think about when masturbating.   

I understand that this bothers you deeply.  You can set boundaries for yourself.  From what you post, it seems like an appropriate boundary for you to have is to NOT be in a relationship with him.

If he has a porn addiction, it's the same as if he had a drug or alcohol addiction.   YOU cannot stop him from using.  He would have to decide to do that and then do what was necessary to accomplish it.  

You are completely in control of whether to have this behavior in your life.  You have NO control over whether he practices this behavior, whether he has an addiction or not.

[NuevoYorko]

Also:  It's still not OK for you to be looking through his phone and otherwise trying to police him.   

You KNOW this is something that he does.  Take it or leave it.  If you decide to stay with him you NEED some help to learn how how to accept him and his porn habits without allowing it to infiltrate and ruin your self esteem.   Is it worth it?

Leaving it = leaving him.

Edited December 19, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but there isn't much you can do. One, you can't monitor or police his masturbation habits or if he wants to look at pornography and two, if he had an addiction to pornography that would be just like any other addiction. And if he's not seeking/doesn't want that treatment/can't get away from it then really what is there to trust him about?

[stillafool]

Since you've asked him to stop multiple times and he continues to do it; why haven't you broken up with him?  He's never going to stop.

[Gaeta]

Watching women on live video & only fans is a world away from watching porn. Those are women he interacts with. Your bf has a sex addiction. 

Listen, save yourself another excruciating day. He's not going to change, it's time to break up. The next thing will be cheating on you, if he's not doing it already.

 

[smackie9]

You don't like what he does, and he's not interested in stopping. Just end it. 

[BaileyB]

First things first - most men watch porn.

If you believe that you are going to find/date a man that doesn’t ever watch porn, you are going to have a really difficult time finding someone to date. 

There is a problem when porn watching begins to interfere with your relationship - ie. he prefers porn to sex, he spends time watching porn rather than working or spending time with you, his preference for porn affects his ability to have a healthy and respectful sex life. 

Your boyfriend has an addiction and that is a problem. 
 

9 hours ago, Becky1108 said:

I made it clear that I was not okay with this

If you are unhappy with his porn habit, you have the right to end the relationship - not to ask him to change his behavior. He is a grown man, he makes the decisions for his own life.

You want to make it clear that you are not okay with this - you leave.

What you have done is establish a pattern where he “misbehaves,” you get all upset, he promises “never to do it again…” wash, rinse, repeat. You have shown him by continuing to stay that you are ok with it - you are just upset. He placates you, and he continues to watch porn because there is no real consequence.

With kindness, please don’t hinge your self esteem on a man in this way. Don’t compare yourself to other women - certainly not porn stars. Your self worth should not depend on your ability to maintain your boyfriend’s attention and seek his validation. That said, the fact that he is making you so feel so badly is a sure sign that he is not the right man for you….

Edited December 19, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Becky1108 said:

before that I used to be a confident individual and was very happy with how I look. I am utterly disgusted and feel so low, my confidence has been knocked back yet again,

If his proclivities are affecting your self esteem and mental health this much, the relationship is damaging you and it's your responsibility to end it, not police him. 

[NuevoYorko]

Also, as someone already mentioned above, there is a world of difference between interactive situations like webcams, and looking at videos or pics.  

Anyway, you have your own issues to deal with, around boundaries.  Your boyfriend's use of porn or sex workers is bleeding into your self esteem.  That's a boundary issue.  You want to monitor and control his behavior - that is another type of boundary issue.  

You need to learn how to have your own boundaries, defend those, and at the same time respect other peoples' boundaries.  Part of all of that entails being prepared to leave a relationship where proper boundaries cannot be maintained.  

That would be this relationship, since you are already in surveillance mode.   

[Ami1uwant]

Guys his age watch porn of many types.  It’s normal.  Any guy who says he doesn’t is likely lying.

sure porn can lead to sex problems like because what turns him on you would never do.  It’s actually not that common.

 Before you knew how was the  sex life with him? We’re you turning him away? Was it happening often. Would you not be willing to do things?

 

[Gaeta]

You've been unhappy in this relationship for a while. You are way too young to settle for a man that takes you for granted and treats you like one of the guys instead of treating like his lady and now this on top of everything. Watching porn 5 times a day is a serious addiction that cannot be overcomed without therapy.

This is not the man you want to anchor yourself to. This man does not *see you*. You are not seen and you are not heard and nothing you can do will change him.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Becky1108 said:

. I don’t know what to do as I know feel like he will never stop this and I just cannot trust him. 

He doesn't seem to care about you or how you feel. Is there a reason you continue to live with him when he treats you so poorly in general? Is this the same man?:

 

[BlondeSusane]

On 12/19/2023 at 8:14 AM, Becky1108 said:

Myself (F23) and my partner (M27) have been in a relationship for 3 and a half years now. Nearly one year in I found out that he was masturbating over girls online, most of them were random fitness models he had found through a social media account for his job, but one girl, was someone I actually knew personally (he was doing this whilst I was out, at work, and even sneaking downstairs to do this whilst I was sleeping), I felt absolutely awful and that was the start of my self esteem being absolutely ruined, before that I used to be a confident individual and was very happy with how I look, I haven’t been blessed with the biggest breasts but I was finally learning to accept that. After fighting about it multiple times I chose to try to forgive him and work through it and he promised he would do whatever was necessary to gain back my trust as I felt betrayed and so disgusted, he promised he’d never do it again. Having sex was difficult for a good few weeks after this as I felt so anxious and uncomfortable and worried that he was thinking of these other women instead of being focused on me. A few months passed and I had started to move on from that, however we ended up in a bad place, due to him suffering with his mental health, I then discovered that he was watching porn, all the feelings that I had felt the first time came rushing back and again I felt so betrayed, it completely broke my trust again but he said it was because he was in a bad place and that he’d had a porn addiction in the past etc, I made it clear that I was not okay with this and it made me feel disrespected, and that if this was something he wanted to continue doing and was more important to him then we should not be together. He again promised to never do it again. A few more months passed and I had a gut feeling that he was keeping something from me, so I went onto his phone and saw that he’d been on porn sites, I asked him about it, but just told him that I had a gut feeling, and did not tell him that I found out through going on his phone, because he would try to make the situation about me snooping as opposed to him disrespecting my boundaries that I had clearly set. He denied it and as I kept pressing he blurted out that he had been watching it, sometimes multiple times a day (even 5 times in one hour on one occasion), this just caused me to feel even worse, it made me feel like I was not good enough, he wasn’t attracted to me and I didn’t satisfy him enough, he said it’s nothing to do with me but he had an addiction and said he knew how bad it was and promised that he would never do this again, ever since we have actually been in a very good place and I haven’t had any suspicions really, there are times when I’ve felt anxious and I have asked him and he’s said that he promises he has not been masturbating over women and that he has come to realise how toxic the porn industry is. Today, I had an uneasy feeling and decided to check his phone, on his frequently viewed on his browser was a site called ‘boobychristmas’, I clicked on this as I thought it was odd and in all honesty I didn’t think it would be what I saw. This site is essentially an advent calendar where each day a photo/video of a topless woman is available to view, they even promote their only fans etc on there. Now my boyfriend claims to hate only fans and thinks it’s disgusting, yet he’s looking on sites like this? He works with some sleazy guys and this is the type of thing they would send around, however I do not believe it is a case of he was sent the link to this and has visited it once to see what it was, as he would have told me (he will tell me about that kind of thing), but it’s also in his frequently viewed which tells me he’s been looking at this very often. I am utterly disgusted and feel so low, my confidence has been knocked back yet again, and I do not know what to do. I want to confront him, but how can I do that as I saw this by looking through his phone? He will absolutely try to twist this to make me look like the bad guy for looking through his phone (I know I shouldn’t have). I don’t know what to do as I know feel like he will never stop this and I just cannot trust him. 

        My boyfriend definitely looks at other women in public and probably online but as long as he is "only" looking I'm alright with that. Most men do it, unless they are gay. Since we met Javan hasn't been with anyone else but me. After all we have three kids and I'm 12 weeks pregnant with our fourth, so where would he find the time? I don't get upset when he looks at other women and he doesn't get upset when I look at other men. You need to trust him!