New to going at it slow, what to consider?

[heartoutside]

So most of my past relationships have started out hot and heavy and went from zero to 60 rather quickly. I'm currently "dating" someone and we've gone on 3 dates, all 3 dates were great and over the course of a month and a half. She has a young child and almost full custody, so her free time is limited.

I texted her last week asking if there was ANY chance she was free this week for me to take her out to dinner and she jokingly said there's a small chance, but she would let me know. I figured it was a big ask considering xmas is coming up and she is heading out of the country just after xmas.

So my question(S) is, is dating slow like this "normal" esp early on? And would it hurt to text her this week before she leaves if she doesn't reach out on her own?

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, heartoutside said:

I texted her last week asking if there was ANY chance she was free this week for me to take her out to dinner and she jokingly said there's a small chance, but she would let me know

Have you heard from her at all since? 

[heartoutside]

I have not, which is a first.  Granted it hasn't even been a week since I asked and up to this point we really have only been texting to setup/schedule our dates.

[ExpatInItaly]

If she said she would let you know and you haven't heard back for a week, it's not just moving slowly. 

It's a lack of interest on her part. 

[ShyViolet]

I wouldn't bother her again about meeting up before Christmas.  From her response to you, it sounds like it's not going to happen.  You should give her some space as she goes on her trip over Christmas.  Try reaching out to her again when she is back from her trip.  If she doesn't respond or gives you a lukewarm response, then you'll know that she's not interested and to move on.

[smackie9]

Not normal. You have a certain pace, she doesn't follow. This is what we call expectations. If they don't follow your expectations, you stop dating them and find someone who does. 3 dates in a month and a half? Nope even I wouldn't tolerate that. Don't date someone that makes you thirsty. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, heartoutside said:

, all 3 dates were great and over the course of a month and a half. I texted her last week asking if there was ANY chance she was free this week for me to take her out to dinner and she jokingly said there's a small chance, but she would let me know. 

Sorry this is happening. Please keep in mind that after 3 dates you're both still talking to and meeting others. How old is she? How did you meet? Was she on dating apps? 

You haven't heard from her in a week and she seems rather coy about asking her out. People are not "too busy" for what's important to them. Step back and see if she reaches out. 3 dates in 6 weeks seems like she's not that interested. 

Edited December 19, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

Did she feed you some speech about going slow? It's usually a red flag from someone recently single or someone luckywarn about you. 

It's better to not rush yes but what you want is consistancy, consideration for your time and communication.

A week without an answer to your invitation indicates she is not interested and she is also rude. A busy woman would let you know about her shedule and she'd give you a date even if it's in January 2024.

[heartoutside]

I may have glossed over some details that might help put things in perspective.  For starters, we have both been busy, so the "length" of time for 3 dates has been more of result of our schedules not really overlapping well, the thanksgiving holiday and the fact that she's really only free 2 nights a week because she has a 3 yr old kid.  but she has taken initiative and has asked me out and even tried scheduling a last min date when she found out she was "kid free" last second. 

 

With that said, I don't think I'll be reaching out and will let her reach out.  This is kinda how it's played out before, but I guess I was just having a moment of panic :). 

[d0nnivain]

There's slow & then there is glacial.  That said, the time of year factors into this.  

Assume you won't see her before she leaves.  Do call her & wish her a Merry Christmas / safe travels.  Make a joke about her sending you a postcard from where ever she's going.   Assuming you know when she's getting back, wait 48 hours, then call to set up another date.  If that doesn't work, she's not interested.  

[ciara_love]

It is a slow pace, but if you are really interested in her, I don't see any issues with reaching out to her after the holidays. If you don't ask, you never know. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 12/20/2023 at 2:55 AM, heartoutside said:

we have both been busy

Which certainly contributes to the longer breaks between dates, but doesn't really explain why she hasn't followed up on your last date request to at least keep some connection there. 

A woman who is busy but interested will make sure you know she wants to see you, even if she can't find time right away. This one has gone silent. I can't ever recall a time when I liked a guy and wanted to see him again but also went off the radar for an extended period. 

Her silence is telling you what you need to know about her interest level. 

 

[Alpacalia]

On 12/19/2023 at 10:19 AM, heartoutside said:

I'm currently "dating" someone and we've gone on 3 dates, all 3 dates were great and over the course of a month and a half. She has a young child and almost full custody, so her free time is limited.

Nothing fast ever lasts. Nothing fast never lasts people.

A date a week sounds reasonable. A date every two weeks is...ah, extremely slow.

Now, yes it's the holidays and factor in she has children, so it's plausible. To answer the original question if it's too slow, well, you have been out on a date with her. Has she give off a vibe that she's into you? If she's not into you, may be "slow" it's not the right word but a maybe she's not interested. If she is digging you, then maybe things will speed up. Alot times, we give off our own anxiety of how fast we want things progressing, but not always the other person wants exactly the same.

Just be chill, assuming you do like her, and let the chips fall where they may.