No affection from husband

[SaraC]

I have been married for 17yrs. I love my husband and overall he is a good man/father. Really the only problem I have is he shows no affection towards me. This has been for the last 10yrs.I have talked about this multiple times with him,He says he loves me and will fight for us, but I have seen no effort. He gets what he needs out of the relationship, as we still have sex. I am always the one who initiates it. I ask for very little and I am at my breaking point, and can't deal with it and don't want to anymore. I want my needs met and have made it very clear. I do not want to cheat. Anyone had similar situations?

Edited December 20, 2023 by SaraC

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, SaraC said:

 he shows no affection towards me. This has been for the last 10yrs.I have talked about this multiple times with him,He says he loves me and will fight for us, but I have seen no effort. He gets what he needs out of the relationship, as we still have sex.

Sorry this is happening. Do either of you have health issues? How old are the children? Do both of you work? Do both of you have interests hobbies and friends together as well as separately? 

What does he mean by "fight for you"?  What do you mean by "he gets what he wants because we have sex"?

Are there areas of discord about finances, children, household responsibilities, in-laws or outside relationships/friendships or flirting? 

Do you two go on date nights or weekend getaways? Do you feel unappreciated? You mentioned there's sex but arguments about no affection. Is the sex mechanical or unfulfilling?

What exactly would improve the marriage in your mind? Does he know precisely what you're upset about? 

Edited December 20, 2023 by Wiseman2

[SaraC]

No health problems, not really any other issues. I told him exactly how I feel, that I am making a cry for help, and he says he loves me and will do what he has to keep our marriage, yet I don't see anything different. He doesn't touch me, except when we have sex. Very mechanical and not satisfying for me. No kissing, no cuddling, no hugging, no passion, Like a robot with no emotions. I don't feel like I'm asking for alot. Just a little something! I'm not a model, but I'm attractive, I have a good attitude and like to have fun. I work full time and do my share, pay bills etc. I've never asked for anything, I can buy it myself. I initiate sex on a regular basis looking for some kind of connection, I try different things to spice it up..and im 100% faithful!!it's very frustrating cause I feel like other men wouldn't have a problem giving me what I need. Alittle affection, a compliment, a smack on the ass! Anything to show you care or have feelings

[BaileyB]

Would he attend either marriage counselling or see a sex therapist with you?

[SaraC]

I'm not sure, I never asked

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, SaraC said:

 he says he loves me and will do what he has to keep our marriage, Very mechanical and not satisfying for me. No kissing, no cuddling, no hugging, no passion, Like a robot.

Have you threatened him with divorce? Have you considered trying to create more romance? Has he always been robotic and mechanical and otherwise cold or unaffectionate?  Instead of "spicing things up" or threatening divorce, please discuss marriage therapy to have a neutral professional place to speak your minds and try to get to the root of things. In the meantime discontinue having unsatisfying sex and resenting it. 

[SaraC]

I would not threaten divorce, I don't even want to have go that route, but this is not the type of relationship I want anymore. And I don't want to withhold sex, to get what I want [ ]  besides I need sex it might not be fulfilling every box, but im a woman in my 40s i need something.. Guessing therapy will be my last chance.

Edited December 20, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[SaraC]

No he was not always like this, when we were dating and even first married things were not like this 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, SaraC said:

 I feel like other men wouldn't have a problem giving me what I need. 

You posted this under "infidelity", do you have someone in mind?  When did the sex, affection and romance change? 

[SaraC]

I didn't realize the topic I was under, but it has crossed my mind, to feel wanted and desired. I didn't even realize that things had changed so drastically. I would say the last 10 years. 

[SaraC]

What man doesn't respond to his wife wanting more loving &sex.  Don't want to sound like an ass, but I wouldn't have a problem getting another man

[basil67]

27 minutes ago, SaraC said:

What man doesn't respond to his wife wanting more loving &sex.  Don't want to sound like an ass, but I wouldn't have a problem getting another man

If you read here, you will find that it's not uncommon for one partner (even men) to lose interest in the physical aspects.  You're not alone  

 

[SaraC]

Thanks!! It's hard to take as a woman. Appreciate all the feedback!!

[Alpacalia]

You could try marriage counseling but 10 years of no caring is more than enough time to consider other options. I'd start looking at setting yourself up for success if things don't go well for you in your relationship. Like looking into apartments and savings. It sounds like this needs to go further than a simple conversation. Sometimes people just don't want what can be taken. I'd be considering this relationship to have hit its critical point. Have you considered stopping being the one to initiate sex? 

Sadly, a lot of couples forget how to actively be a couple instead of just passive roommates.

[d0nnivain]

I feel you girl.  I half jokingly call my  husband Mr. No-Manse.  Man doesn't have a romantic bone in his body but he's getting better.  

I have Covid (again) right now & am fairly sick, plus I am having horrible side effects from the meds the doctors prescribed for my treatment.  He has been an abysmal care giver. Last night I blew up at him because I was sick & in pain but he felt absent.   I know him well enough to know he needs specific instructions if I actually want him to do emotional / care taking things. So when I calmed down I told him what I need:  texts during the day to check on me, offers of fluids / meds when he's home so I don't have to fend for myself.  I got those today 

When we 1st got together I had to teach him to address a card.  He'd just buy whatever & sign his name.  No Dear Donni, or even Love DH, just his name.  It was so generic it felt cold & uncaring.  We talked about expectations.  We now always kiss each other hello & good bye; we walk arm in arm; we say I love you every time we part from each other or even hang up the phone.  I get what I call "surprise kisses"  where he just kisses me.  He had never imagined such a thing. That level of affection was all new to him.  He had to be taught  & given time to adapt. 

So my suggestion to you is be specific.  What do you want?  Figure that out & tell him.  You may be surprised at how much direct step by step instruction gets you 

 

[Alpacalia]

I dated my ex for 7 years and he couldn't keep his hands off me. If this is as good as it gets for you, then...prepare to be disappointed in time.

[SaraC]

That is sad for me I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.. Definitely a deal breaker 

[Els]

On 12/21/2023 at 7:40 AM, SaraC said:

I don't want to withhold sex, to get what I want

Not having unfulfilling/unsatisfying sex is not "withholding sex", it's called having boundaries. What do you even get from sex if there's no intimacy, emotions, passion, cuddling, touching, making out, or foreplay? Seriously, just get a good vibe and G-spot stroker and take care of yourself.

As you've said, currently he gets everything he needs with little complaint from you, so what motivation is there for him to change? You are unfortunately enabling his behaviour by being a doormat. As much as you may not want to, you are going to have to put your foot down at some point. Stop having sex until something changes, and insist on him going to MC with you.

Edited December 22, 2023 by Els

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, SaraC said:

That is sad for me I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.. Definitely a deal breaker 

Hoping it wouldn't come to....? Are you divorcing? Looking for an affair? Going to marriage therapy? You keep saying it's a deal breaker which selfish sex is, but seem to just throw your hands up in resignation and continue having bad sex. 

It's understandable you're frustrated with the unsatisfactory sex, but acquiescing to selfish sex is furthering the problem.  Part of your resentment and hurt could stem from thinking this is your obligation even though you seem to view it as a chore. 

[S2B]

Have you specifically written out a list of things he COULD be doing daily that would make you happy?

with his type… you really need to spell it out for him. A list - that states exactly what he should or could be doing daily to make you happy or happier. At first, get him in the habit of selecting one from the list daily. Hopefully he will gain better habits.

the list should be specific! It doesn’t enter his mind to show you affection. But the simple things go a long way - like holding your hand when you walk somewhere together - or kissing you or hugging you daily. Bring flowers once a week. Make sure the list concise (if you want/need it then it goes on the list)!

IF she can’t make these simple efforts FOR you - then why wouldn’t you consider divorce? Life is way too short to live without basic needs being met!

[LuckyM]

Well, the question remains--have you changed in recent years, especially weight or body?

Are you heavier or much different than you were?  Something you are not telling us?

Or has he changed physically?   You cannot force affection. Nothing you can do...he has to do it freely.

I suspect that affection is more important to women than men.

[Gaeta]

I was in  your shoes and when I left  my ex-husband he begged me to give him a chance but I had given him dozen of chances through the years by telling him I was unhappy, I wanted us to reconnect, I needed to feel special to him again. He'd make a change for 3 weeks then went back to his usual self which meant lots of sports, slept through our weekends, we never went anywhere, we never took a babysitter in our 15 years together, he would call me 'mother' instead of sweetie. Not what makes a young woman feel sexy eh!

He did not 'not love me'. He would have given his life for me, I have never doubted his love and loyalty to me but he did not love  me the way I needed to be loved. I used to tell him that he loved me the way his father loved his mother - bring a paycheck home and loyalty, not much else. 

Anyway I left. I should have left years earlier but I was young and believed marriage was for life no matter how bad it got....I discovered life is terribly long when we're unhappy. 

So I divorced and my journey had me discover better partners that could give me loyalty, care & affection, a bit of adventure, consideration.  

[MsJayne]

Sounds like you're being taken for granted, always a great way to kill romance. You've become invisible to him because he's complacent, he's confident that giving you the same amount of affection and attention as he'd give the family dog is enough. Maybe fire a rocket up his rear, sit him down and ask him if he'd be OK with an open marriage because you're dissatisfied and resentful and feel someone else could give you the kind of attention you need. Reassure him that you don't want a divorce, you still love him, but that he just doesn't cut it as a romantic partner. When he reacts with shock and disbelief ask him if he'd prefer marriage counselling. 

[Alpacalia]

On 12/25/2023 at 9:33 AM, LuckyM said:

I suspect that affection is more important to women than men.

Not me. My ex was overly affectionate and it was too much sometimes.

I think a healthy balance of affection and personal space is important in a relationship. Of course, my opinion might change if I was on the receiving end to this extremity OP but I think that you definitely have a valid concern and it's important for your husband to understand and respect your need for affection in the relationship. It's not good that you constantly initiate physical intimacy and him to consistently deny it.

Sometimes people have different love languages and what may seem like affection to one person may not to another. If your husband is truly not making any effort to meet your needs and is just content with the status quo, then that is a problem that needs to be addressed. If he is not willing to work on this issue with you, then it shows a lack of effort and concern for your overall happiness in the relationship.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's not easy to feel unfulfilled in a marriage. Stop being the one to initiate sex. If there's little effort from your husband and you're constantly pursuing him, then it could be taking away the chance for him to have a chance to miss your affection.

Edited December 28, 2023 by Alpacalia