Friend who was groomed when she was a teen

[BIGGEST LOSER EVER]

Hi

It's been quite a number of years since I've been on this forum....I think the last time I was on here-I was just in recovery from 5 years of addiction around 18 years ago.  It's nice to see a vibrant community of people still here - supporting one another.

I'm 40 and the person who I care about is around 6 months younger than me.  I had various addictions - ranging from drug and alcohol abuse, then professional obsession – all of it as a result of a childhood rape by a private tutor when I was 9 years old and left me with a lifetime fear of physical intimacy.  This, I'm gradually working through, through a "past authoring" course and developing strategies for....while also finally deciding to seek professional assistance from the Survivors Trust.

A friend who I care about deeply and is the most wonderful human being I've ever met, was groomed from her early teenage years by a man who was 20+ years older than her.  She had a relationship with him for 10 years until he "cheated" (raped) a 15 year old behind her back using alcohol and was convicted of this.  This ended around 15 years ago.  This I was told by a mutual friend recently which left me in shock (and brought up some PTSD of my own abuse and helped me gain the courage to finally get the support I need to seek support).

She has, despite having numerous offers from various men (and women) over the years, declines and rebuffs all advances.  She has a close set of friends from her childhood who she is extremely close to and great family support who I believe tried to move the family when they were made aware of the "relationship" but this continued because of the nature of the grooming until he raped the other girl.

She has not confided in this to me however our mutual friend stated that her colleagues at her former place of work (she's always worked two jobs until recently) stated that this was public knowledge.  I'm not entirely sure if she has fully processed or had support about what has happened to her, judging by some of the motivational and quote pages she follows on social media.  I know from myself - coming out of addiction, I preferred (and was entirely wrong) to focus on work, physical activity and neglect my emotional development but this is easy for me to say.

1.Given the nature of the grooming, the relationship and the betrayal - is there anyone who has been through that grooming process and had a "relationship" (apologies but I still view what happened to her as pure abuse) with their groomer and if so what was it like on an emotional level?  It’s alien to me in so much as that-I was 9 and only lasted a short period of time when I was abused, whereas with her – it was much more longstanding and had that betrayal of her innocence as well as the betrayal of her trust of the relationship.  I’m just trying to get a handle on this from her perspective.

2. What that healing process looks like in general terms?
3. What support looks like to help assist?
4. Any good book recommendations, podcasts, youtube channels to help that healing process?
5. how long does it take for someone to heal from something like what she has experienced? 
6. Given the nature of my own experience and currently seeking support for myself - would this be something that you would raise?  My intention is to offer support from someone who has themselves had a traumatic experience, is getting some additional support for it and is always there with a friendly ear should she need it.  Or should I completely leave it?

I should clarify with all of this, I care about her – if she told me that she’d met Prince Charming or someone that she felt was worthy of her, there’s no one that would be happier than myself.  But it’s just this lingering thing that – she deserves all the happiness in the world, to be able to trust, to be able to love and accept love because she’s an incredibly decent, compassionate, kind and amazingly interesting human being.

Much obliged for any suggestions
 

[basil67]

Congratulations to you for overcoming your addictions and for seeking the support you need.

With regards to your friend, it's clear that your desire to help comes from a place of caring ...and you're probably still in shock at hearing what happened and desperately want to help her.  You are a good soul. 

Now I can read your post and be pretty sure that you're a man, because when trying to help, men tend to offer solutions and practical advice..and here you are building a list of ways to help - which is so thoughtful 🥰.  Problem is, a woman is more likely to want someone who will just listen and understand.   Sf she does disclose to you, just listen to her.  If you're comfortable, you could disclose what you've been through.  If she asks for help or advice, address what she asks for because at this point, you don't know what she actually needs.  

All that said, at this point she hasn't disclosed or asked for help, so it would be really uncomfortable if you came to her with "our friend told me".  If she wants you to know...and possibly help, she will tell you.   It's all you can do for now

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, BIGGEST LOSER EVER said:

.

She has not confided in this to me however our mutual friend stated that her colleagues at her former place of work (she's always worked two jobs until recently) stated that this was public knowledge.  

You seem like a caring friend. However please let her open up to you in her own way in her own time.  You came across this very personal and traumatic information , but she may feel terribly betrayed that her personal business has become "public knowledge" and that you've been talking to others about it.

Please only help if she shares this with you personally and asks for help. Maybe she's a private person or has worked things out privately and confidentiality with therapists. 

[BIGGEST LOSER EVER]

much obliged for the advice...will definitely take it all on.