Completely lost and don't know what to do

[LovelySmile]

Hello all, I'm a 24 years old female and I made a horrible mistake. Any opinion or advice on the matter is welcome.

So couple of weeks ago I met someone who I won't name or give personal details about for anonymity purposes. I'll refer to them as R. We rapidly became very close, probably the most kind and sweet person I've met. From the beginning R really seemed to enjoy being around and close to me and we frequently hung out together. This warmed my heart. I've been having this problem my whole life of getting very emotionally attached to people easily and rapidly, like a thousands times more rapidly than the other person would get attached to me. This resulted in me suffering on days where I wouldn't talk to/see R in person. And when R would hang out with other friends instead of me, it would hurt even more. I know that this is wrong and that I'm not normal since me and R haven't known each other for very long and I can't have R spend their time only with me. I know I'm not normal.

But I also know that I fell in love with R and that they only see me as a good friend and that is my mistake. It's all my fault. I don't understand why did I fall in love. Is it because we were getting too intimate with each other, or because we hugged each other too much? I'll never know.

In any case, this isn't my first rodeo. The same kind of situation has happened to me before. My biggest problem right now is what to do going forward. I haven't been able to focus on anything, or enjoy my holidays well earned time off because of all of this. I had so much stuff planned and I had to delay everything because I just couldn't do it. I really don't feel well and this is painful, as some of you can probably imagine. Being in love with someone who doesn't love you back really is like a spear to the heart. I only have a few options and I don't know which is the less painful one. I could tell the truth to R and tell them they need to get distant from me and don't call/text me for some time so I can move on and get through this and we could get a fresh start and still be friends like on day 1. The other option is to lie and make up a fake excuse for getting distant, which I don't like either. Or I could just get distant from R without telling them anything but I'm afraid that would hurt R. I don't know what to do... I know revealing my feelings probably makes the most sense but I'm not sure if this really is the right move and if things won't get worse as a result.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, LovelySmile said:

So couple of weeks ago I met someone 

How did you meet? Are you dating or just friends?  It seems like you've become over attached to someone you know 14 days,?  

If you feel awful and this is a pattern, please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

With help and support you can explore why you feel badly and tend to latch on to people. Why not step back and only respond when he initiates? 

[Alpacalia]

Far from me to begrudge someone from their feelings but I think you're thinking too deeply into this.

You admit that you get emotionally attached to people easily, is it really love or just attachment? Here's my advice for you, stop stressing over this and get another perspective that isn't just based on what you perceive. You don't have to talk about it either, sometimes get feedback from random strangers on the Internet can give you a decent dose of reality that you may need.

Well I think there are certainly steps you can take to help yourself, and some of it is about your outlook too, and of course, priorities. Do you think you feel, or bring things to a boil, get emotionally intense because you don't have a strength and grounding in your own life? In other aspects is your life in general fulfilled, or do you not have enough of what you particularly want? For example, are there ways you tell yourself you are happy (maybe you are) when you might by the numbers be expected to be less so?

Perhaps that happiness could/needs to be felt "for real" in order for you to be a bit less vulnerable. Equivalently (because people are different, and we could concentrate on whichever details we stumbled on), you might need to work upon your own sense of strength, belonging (you are worthy just cause you're you and no one can take being you away) and in general how much of your confidence you need to get from getting intimacy?

Food for thought.

I think you like the idea of love but have a certain concept of it which can turn inward and be particularly punishing when on the whole what you have going is good as it is. Don't worry too much about being normal. Think about 'wonderful enough', in the cards that you just need to be wonderful enough with all the features that come with you, all your virtues, your emotions, interests and particular quirks. And don't worry about crossing the line into having a crush or some other label.

You have developed a dependency on R. Being in love, emotionally attached, attached, overly needy, reliant, addicted it all means the same thing. You don't know R. R is new. 

I would say that 30 days ago you were living a life apart from R, didn't even know R existed. Everything good has happened in the last 30 days.

So what I am saying is you'll eventually get over it, but the best thing for you would be to make some real inroads into living your life independently from R. Right now you are overwhelmed. We are creatures of motion and the familiar. You're having R around makes you feel you are doing something positive and a change for the good. But you can direct that energy into simply finding yourself, who you are absent R. Because you shouldn't be quite so dependent on R.

Edited December 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

You've only known this poor guy for TWO WEEKS.   You can't be in love with this person in such a short time ... because you do not know him.  He doesn't know you.

Can you get a grip on yourself at all, or are you completely out of control?

 

[d0nnivain]

Get therapy.  You said this is a pattern in your life.  You always fall too hard & too fast.  you have to figure out why. Only then will you be able to stop this & get a real grip on your own emotions.  

You barely know this guy. it's over the top for you to be upset that he spends time with other friends or "suffering" (your word) on days you don't see him.  

[stillafool]

Since you've only known this guy 2 weeks you can just fade to black and not be around.  It's doubtful he's going to miss you too much since he barely knows you.  Don't tell him about your crush on him either.  I agree that you need to check out therapy so this doesn't happen to you again.