How to get over whirlwind romance / love bombing?

[ciara_love]

Greetings, 

I am interested to hear from others regarding moving quickly in relationships versus love bombing. I dated someone who seemed emotionally stable, and when we first starting spending time together he quickly began expressing feelings. We had a lot of common interests and our personalities were very compatible.

However, the following things occurred quickly: 

1. He said "I love you" within two weeks of dating

2. He made a lot of eye contact and showed a lot of tenderness 

3. He was consistent and video called me every day for the first 4 months 

4. He purchased plane tickets to visit me in another country and visited me for 2 weeks 

4. He said things like "I want to be with you always" : "You are the woman I have been waiting for my whole life" : "I will never love anyone as much as I love you" : and he referred to our shared future together all the time

5. His proclamations of love and wanting to be with me always felt genuine and sincere - he legitimately opened up to me and became vulnerable

6. He told me that I always had a place to live with him if I wanted to

After 5 months he said he no longer feels the same way. When asked why, he started listed things that he knew about me from the beginning. It felt like excuses and rationalizations. I want to believe that his love for me was sincere at the time that he proclaimed it, but now I question everything. I feel like I was idealized as he said I was basically his dream woman over and over. He was really attracted. [ ] 

I am just seeking insights and wondering if anyone would like to share similar experiences. Has anyone else been through this? If so, how did you recover? Did you ever hear of your former partner healing through therapy and eventually changing their behavior pattern? 

I feel devastated as it truly felt like a very deep and intimate connection for a long time. 

Thank you in advance. 

Ciara 

Edited December 22, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed armchair psychiatry

[Weezy1973]

Too much too fast. His feelings were genuine but based on fantasies of you because he didn’t actually know you well enough as it had been such a short time. People who “love bomb” aren’t consciously trying to be manipulative. They actually feel those feelings. But the feelings aren’t based on reality. When reality strikes, the feelings can, and often do, fade just as quickly as they grew. 
 

How to recover? Figure out your part in it. Why were you so vulnerable to the love bombing instead of seeing it for what it was? Do you struggle with self worth and therefore the love bombing felt like a drug to squash that pain? Forget the guy, and focus on yourself. 

[Alpacalia]

I think there is a difference between 'love bombing' and when someone is genuine in their feelings and intentions in the moment.

From my understanding, love bombing is more about manipulating and controlling someone, and often comes across as insincere and overly romantic with some sort of end goal (i.e. money, sex, etc.). It also tends to happen very quickly, without taking the time to really get to know the person. In your case, it sounds like he may have been genuinely smitten with you, but perhaps moved too quickly without fully understanding the depth of commitment and responsibility that comes with love.

He idealized you and the relationship, leading to disappointment when reality didn't meet his expectations. That's why his feelings changed so suddenly.

So for the future, make sure that you do not get swept away by the excitement of a new relationship and to maintain a sense of realism and balance. Sure, hearing such lovely words and being the recipient of someone's affection feels wonderful but you need to take time getting to know them as time will make it easier to validate their intentions and see past the infatuation.

Do not be intimidated by anyone's love and enthusiasm for dating you, but don't mistake it for genuine love and commitment because those two things only come with a lot of effort and time.

Sorry this was such a disappointing experience for you, but don't take it too hard as moving forward just may be exactly what the doctor ordered to find that spark of true and lasting love.

Edited December 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

When he said he loved you after 2 weeks what did he love? He knew nothing of you. He loved your looks, and the dream he created around that look. It's the result of excess chemical in the brain meant to make sure we procreate.

How to get over it? It will pass with time and it will pass easier if you understand the phenomena of infatuation. He did not set out to hurt you, he was caught up in an excess of dopamine and then it dropped.

Your role is to stay grounded when it happens to you and let time confirm it's real or not.

My bf was pretty infatuated when we met, l think he said he loved me within a month. I did not embark in his day dreaming, l remained grounded and held my l love you until 3 months. I was enjoying him but expected him to wake up from his day dreaming at anytime. I think the fact that logic drives me more than feelings is what saved us. We've been together 1.5 year now. 

It sucks but you'll be fine and now that you've experienced it you won't let yourself be caught up in it again. 

[Sony12]

Yeah generally when people say things like that that quickly they often times are just in love with the idea of being in love. And not necessarily in love with the actual person. I have had physical situations extremely quickly but not really love bombing like that. I personally don't believe love happens that quickly. Lust definitely happens that quickly but not love. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, ciara_love said:

He purchased plane tickets to visit me in another country and visited me for 2 weeks I feel devastated as it truly felt like a very deep and intimate connection for a long time. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems like a whirlwind romance but complicated by the distance and cultural barriers.

Sadly when the fantasy that's built up during the cyber portion of the relationship meets the reality of who this really is, it can be very disappointing.

Buying a ticket to visit seems par for the course in distance relationships and the rest seems like sweet-talk and the novelty of the situation. 

[FredEire]

I experienced as a similar thing with my ex, moving super quickly, constantly telling me she'd never felt this way about anyone before. Planning foreign holidays after just a couple of months together.

While it was super flattering right at the beginning, I quickly started to think "What's going to happen when she realises I'm just a person with flaws? I'm never going to live up to this expectation".

In my case it took the form of jealousy, frequent accusations of cheating and revising of phones etc. On my side I probably wasn't ready for a long term relationship at the time, it was a painful but valuable lesson in hindsight.

I think skepticism in small doses is healthy. You don't want it to the level that you question the entire motive of someone being with you, but as others have said thoughts of some kind of soul connection with someone you barely know is often more about happy chemicals in your head than the reality of the situation.

[smackie9]

Keep busy with your life. Spend time with friends or family doing meaningful fun things. 

[ShyViolet]

A person who professes intense love like that within the first few weeks of dating is showing you that they are very emotionally immature and impulsive.  It is love bombing.  They claim that you are the love of their life but they have only known you a few weeks..... you can't possibly know a person well enough after only a few weeks to know whether you are actually compatible for a long term relationship.  What they are feeling is infatuation but they aren't mature enough to understand the difference and to restrain themselves from getting carried away.  Relationships like this usually end just as quickly as they began, just like yours did, because it's not actually "love", it's just infatuation.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Hi, Clara. What you need to remember is that *anybody can be "perfect" and intense for a SHORT period of time*.  You didn't lose out on a future of that kind of intensity because it would never have lasted. Nobody can keep that up.

[Sony12]

I do wonder at times if these people know it isn't love but they just say it is because it's easier to get some people to take their clothes off if they claim they are in love with them.

[FredEire]

18 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

I do wonder at times if these people know it isn't love but they just say it is because it's easier to get some people to take their clothes off if they claim they are in love with them.

Of course.

Other times they really feel it though and when the emotion wears off and/or they start to notice the flaws of the person they've put on a pedestal they get cold feet or pick fights in order to bring the relationship to a close.

I think there's an easy way to tell the difference. If they ghost you as soon as you go to bed with them, it was pretty much fur sure 100% BS.

Edited December 22, 2023 by FredEire

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, ciara_love said:

If so, how did you recover?

Yup, by realizing that when a man who barely knows you is making grand declarations of love it's a gigantic red flag. Not love. 

I've never known an emotionally-mature, rational and healthy adult to behave this way. The ones who do? Run. It's a bad sign and should not be taken seriously, 

[Calmandfocused]

To answer your question: yes it has happened to me multiple times. 
 

And you know something else? : Every single one of them had abusive/ narcissistic tendencies. 

What you write is a classic idealisation, devaluation and discard cycle. 
 

Believe or not you’re had a very lucky escape indeed. 

But I have good news for you: he will be back. He’s not finished playing with you yet. And unless you wise up, you’ll be back on that rollercoaster at full speed. 

To help yourself you have to understand that none of it real. It’s all a big game. If he genuinely loved you he wouldn’t have left you like that. You know this deep down. 
 

And finally: they never change! Not with anyone. 

 

Edited December 22, 2023 by Calmandfocused

[ciara_love]

Is it still love bombing if they say they never did it with anyone else and they feel believable? This guy seems sincere and he says that he never felt this way before. I know that is a line for a reason but he genuinely seemed to be super in love. He says that he just lost feeling and didn't feel like doing any work to be in a relationship with anyone. Has anyone heard that before? 

Is it perhaps selective loss of memory that might make someone say they never did this before? I have noticed that sometimes he doesn't seem to remember things the same way that I do.

I spoke with him this week and he felt very cut off from his emotions. He almost felt dissociated. Has anyone else witnessed this from a "love bomber"? 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, ciara_love said:

Is it still love bombing if they say they never did it with anyone else and they feel believable? 

From the Oxford Dictionary: Love bombing: the action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them.     Do you believe he was faking love to try and influence or manipulate you?  Perhaps trying to scam you?

You haven't actually mentioned any nefarious activity, so it's more likely he got carried away and then came crashing down to earth.  When someone gets really excited early on, you need to take it with a grain of salt and see if the feeling lasts. 

Edited December 23, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, ciara_love said:

Is it still love bombing if they say they never did it with anyone else and they feel believable? This guy seems sincere and he says that he never felt this way before. I know that is a line for a reason but he genuinely seemed to be super in love. He says that he just lost feeling and didn't feel like doing any work to be in a relationship with anyone. Has anyone heard that before? 

Is it perhaps selective loss of memory that might make someone say they never did this before? I have noticed that sometimes he doesn't seem to remember things the same way that I do.

I spoke with him this week and he felt very cut off from his emotions. He almost felt dissociated. Has anyone else witnessed this from a "love bomber"? 

It's only "love bombing" if you believe it. If it seems unreasonable and you recognize it, then it's just a red flag to ignore.

For example, someone you never met saying they love you, it's unreasonable and a red flag, but if you choose to believe this Disney like scenario and buy into it, then it's "love bombing". 

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, ciara_love said:

Is it still love bombing if they say they never did it with anyone else and they feel believable? This guy seems sincere and he says that he never felt this way before. I know that is a line for a reason but he genuinely seemed to be super in love. He says that he just lost feeling and didn't feel like doing any work to be in a relationship with anyone. Has anyone heard that before? 

It's typical of someone feeling infatuation and infatuation goes away. It's possible he never felt infatuation before yes but infatuation is not love.

There is nothing more to understand here. It sucks but it's over. Your feeling of disappointment will pass l promise you.

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, ciara_love said:

This guy seems sincere and he says that he never felt this way before.

It’s not sincere though, it should have raised alarm bells for you when a man that you barely knew professed to love you forever after only two weeks.

This is way too much, too soon. It would have made me very uncomfortable, but that’s not how you felt. You felt comforted, you invested more into this relationship. 

This kind of infatuation tends to burn brightly, but it also burns out fast more often than not because it’s not true love. Infatuation is a feeling, love is an action. 

What he felt was obviously not true love because when it came time to truly commit to this relationship, he ran away. 

You are here, hoping that someone will share an experience that means he will somehow mature and come back, to be a healthy and committed partner for you. That’s not going to happen. 

The lesson here for you is to be more cautious - when someone comes on strongly like this from the very beginning, that is a red flag. Dating is a time of discovery - watch his actions over time, because they will show you who he truly is and his commitment to you and ti the relationship. And, when somebody flakes out and shows you something that is a dealbreaker - accept that for what it is and walk away… 

[FredEire]

15 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s not sincere though, it should have raised alarm bells for you when a man that you barely knew professed to love you forever after only two weeks.

This is way too much, too soon. It would have made me very uncomfortable, but that’s not how you felt. You felt comforted, you invested more into this relationship. 

This kind of infatuation tends to burn brightly, but it also burns out fast more often than not because it’s not true love. Infatuation is a feeling, love is an action. 

What he felt was obviously not true love because when it came time to truly commit to this relationship, he ran away. 

You are here, hoping that someone will share an experience that means he will somehow mature and come back, to be a healthy and committed partner for you. That’s not going to happen. 

The lesson here for you is to be more cautious - when someone comes on strongly like this from the very beginning, that is a red flag. Dating is a time of discovery - watch his actions over time, because they will show you who he truly is and his commitment to you and ti the relationship. And, when somebody flakes out and shows you something that is a dealbreaker - accept that for what it is and walk away… 

My understanding from what I've researched and experienced myself is that quick infatuation usually comes from a lack of love in childhood. You meet someone who represents what you never had growing up, often in a similarly unreachable way, and your heart aches for them because you feel like they can feel a gap that's always been there.

The problem is that this turns them into something they aren't and eventually your already broken heart just breaks again. The challenge is to properly heal the original heartbreak so you can stop playing out the same thing over and over again

[ExpatInItaly]

Sincere question: What does it matter what you call it?

It's stil not normal behaviour for a well-adjusted adult, and is still a red flag. Labeling it "love-bombing" (or not) doesn't change anything for you or the end result. You still need to avoid men like this. 

[Mercedes7]

I have seen this happen most often in very recently divorced / or even separated men..... 

These men get totally carried away with a 'new love' after many years of being away from the dating scene or going through a bad divorce.  The men idealize the new 'love' interest and their mind builds an entire fantasy around this person -because they obviously do not know someone after a short time.  A lot of times it is based on superficial aspects where the woman 'on paper' checks a lot of boxes on their ideal woman list (i.e. beauty, etc.)   Like others have said - they create a fantasy version of the love interest and then when reality hits, they back off suddenly - and it is shocking for their love interest. 

But - most of the instances I have seen / heard about - I thought the guy was sincere (at the time, anyway) - not 'love bombing'. They just got carried away with a fantasy.  They are obsessed with a beautiful woman, but 5 months later, they realize they are not ready to be a step father to 2 young children - that sort of thing.  Women need to pace the relationship.  

I agree with Wiseman - the long distance aspect typically just increases the fantasy component.  You have all of this time to dream about someone and what you hope they are like, but not based in reality.

 

Edited December 23, 2023 by Mercedes7

[ShyViolet]

13 hours ago, ciara_love said:

Is it still love bombing if they say they never did it with anyone else and they feel believable? This guy seems sincere and he says that he never felt this way before.

What does it matter whether he has done this before?  If he says that this is the first time he has done this, does that make it okay?  I'm not seeing the logic in this question.

[Alpacalia]

Try to get away from labels.

I think you're 100% focusing in the wrong place. Love bombing/manipulation are terms used to label and identify issues with a relationship, they are not absolutes. Based upon what you're saying he does not sound like a love bomber. His actions in the relationship suggest that he may have some difficulty managing and expressing his emotions, but that does not necessarily make it manipulation or love bombing.

I know it's disheartening to hear this but his loss of feeling and lack of effort is not something that is exclusive to your relationship. It's a common problem that affects countless relationships.

Maybe he's never experienced this level of infatuation before, or that he's not accurately interpreting his own emotions.

But again, that is not exclusively tied to love bombing or manipulation.

Saying 'I love you' was premature on his part but it sounds like something that comes from infatuation. Trust me, there are millions of men out there right now who do things based on infatuation alone (because they can't manage their feelings, and become distracted and fixate on a feeling that's fleeting). It could be that this is why he's 'never felt this way before'. Or it could be that he's trying harder in this relationship if it feels more significant than past ones.

Focus on your feelings. Were you feeling anxious, uncomfortable or overwhelmed or feel like you were unable to be yourself and lost your autonomy in the relationship? If yes, those are more indicative of manipulation or love bombing. Also, watch for people that make big promises and then not follow through. Aka empty promises. This would display more intent to manipulate, instead of just being a bit ambitious/too smitten.

I don't see that here.

He was consistent with contacting you and followed through with his plans to visit you. Somewhere along the way, he lost interest and became vague with plans/making excuses. People might argue that this is love bombing, and he was reeling you in and now he's bored, but people with real bad intentions can do this on a much bigger scale. That is, not being consistent in just one thing, but in numerous things with the sole purpose of stringing someone along.

So, let's say this... What I see here is that he does indeed lack emotional maturity. Instead of having an honest conversation about his feelings and needs, he just became distant. I recall in your other thread you went out to visit him and he couldn't be bothered to come pick you up from the airport and just showed general indifference regarding that. That was a big clue.

I say this all to give you some perspective.

This doesn't likely feel reassuring for you, but the truth is, is that we are all products of our various upbringings and experiences. This guy does not display anything dishonest with you. There is no deceitful plan here that I can see. This guy has some work to do on himself. But it appears he wanted to know what a relationship with you would be like. Unfortunately he did it under false pretenses.

This happens over and over and people have often said they've never been in love before/this is the strongest they've felt with someone and would say 'they loved them'.

My advice here is to focus on what you really want, and give yourself a bit of space and just let things be for the time being.

[Ami1uwant]

14 hours ago, ciara_love said:

Is it still love bombing if they say they never did it with anyone else and they feel believable? This guy seems sincere and he says that he never felt this way before. I know that is a line for a reason but he genuinely seemed to be super in love. He says that he just lost feeling and didn't feel like doing any work to be in a relationship with anyone. Has anyone heard that before? 

Is it perhaps selective loss of memory that might make someone say they never did this before? I have noticed that sometimes he doesn't seem to remember things the same way that I do.

I spoke with him this week and he felt very cut off from his emotions. He almost felt dissociated. Has anyone else witnessed this from a "love bomber"? 

Online vs in real life/ face to face are very different.

 

saying I never did that before is usually BS.

 

in online dating— even via video chat there still s  big difference in face to face interaction that online doesn’t bring.  It’s worse if youare judging just by photos and talk on phone.

 

if you are in the same local area you should try to meet face to face s soon as possible.  If therr is some distsnce involved like a plane or multi hour train ride you need to have some deeper conversation to see how good of a match you are before the investmrnt is done. You also need to have an idea long term in if this was to go anywhere then who moves.

 

These are universal no matter how you initial met….early in person dating usually has the person in their best behavior and not showing their true self or thry may not revel how they truely are.

 

 On the flip side—don’t judge someone based on something not said or not listed on their profile.  For e ample therr are sone things that you might see more common to be done as couples/ dating than as solo or there might be a hobby or interest that you’d do more as a couple Han Solo. Or there is an interest you have that they have had little exposure to and don’t know much about or even where to start.

 

learn how to phrase questions that aren’t biased on some way or is a leading question toward your internal biases or feelings eherr a simple yes or I am too an cover up differences in beliefs.

 

don’t think you can change a person. You can expose them to different things but it’s up to them to change.  Usually if you get thrm to change too much there likely will be some resentment later on this.

 

people tend to change their behavior when a relationship enters a comfort stage where it’s ok if you aren’t talking or texting daily or they feel comfortable farting next to you.  Thrn this is when the gremlins may come out.