How to get over whirlwind romance / love bombing?

[NuevoYorko]

Is this the same guy who lives in Spain?  

If so, I don't think that love bombing was in play there.  You both seemed to jump into being IN LOVE without any foundation (except that a meditation teacher set you up).   

If it's a different guy ... well I would caution you not to be involved again within a matter of days from the implosion of the last one.

[Calmandfocused]

On 12/23/2023 at 3:35 AM, ciara_love said:

Is it still love bombing if they say they never did it with anyone else and they feel believable? This guy seems sincere and he says that he never felt this way before. I know that is a line for a reason but he genuinely seemed to be super in love. He says that he just lost feeling and didn't feel like doing any work to be in a relationship with anyone. Has anyone heard that before? 

Is it perhaps selective loss of memory that might make someone say they never did this before? I have noticed that sometimes he doesn't seem to remember things the same way that I do.

I spoke with him this week and he felt very cut off from his emotions. He almost felt dissociated. Has anyone else witnessed this from a "love bomber"? 

Op you seem very fixated on what this man said to you. “He says” “He said”. 
 

Have you ever heard the expression “actions speak louder than words?”. 
 

Look at what he did - He left you, suddenly and unexpectedly after repeated disclosures of love. That is what you should be focusing on. 
 

Also what you describe is not memory loss. It’s gaslighting. 

[ciara_love]

Thank you for all of your thoughtful comments on this thread. I have appreciated your collective support and insights. I am attaching less importance to why this person behaved the way they did and giving more consideration to figuring out how I can avoid this in the future. I realized some deep patterns in my psyche that need work. 

As an update, this person has initiated texting fairly constantly since they ended the relationship, almost as if they want to keep me in the loop regarding their whereabouts. They have sent weird texts, like social media posts just for me. Then they sent texts about an issue we disagreed about while we were together, and seemed to be trying to instigate another fight, post breakup, which makes no sense.

What is interesting also is that he hasn't asked about anything substantial going on in my life. He doesn't seem to care about my health or quality of life at all. 

That saying "When someone shows you who they are, believe them, the very first time" feels so fitting. 

Thank you all again. 

Edited January 11, 2024 by ciara_love

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, ciara_love said:

What is interesting also is that he hasn't asked about anything substantial going on in my life. He doesn't seem to care about my health or quality of life at all. 

Why not delete and block him now that it's over? There's no point allowing this annoyance into your life. Please let go and set yourself free. 

[FredEire]

9 hours ago, ciara_love said:

Thank you for all of your thoughtful comments on this thread. I have appreciated your collective support and insights. I am attaching less importance to why this person behaved the way they did and giving more consideration to figuring out how I can avoid this in the future. I realized some deep patterns in my psyche that need work. 

As an update, this person has initiated texting fairly constantly since they ended the relationship, almost as if they want to keep me in the loop regarding their whereabouts. They have sent weird texts, like social media posts just for me. Then they sent texts about an issue we disagreed about while we were together, and seemed to be trying to instigate another fight, post breakup, which makes no sense.

What is interesting also is that he hasn't asked about anything substantial going on in my life. He doesn't seem to care about my health or quality of life at all. 

That saying "When someone shows you who they are, believe them, the very first time" feels so fitting. 

Thank you all again. 

Think it makes a lot of sense actually. He misses the conflict in the relationship and is mistaking it for love, trying to get that feeling back.

Think you're right not to respond to it.

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, ciara_love said:

Thank you for all of your thoughtful comments on this thread. I have appreciated your collective support and insights. I am attaching less importance to why this person behaved the way they did and giving more consideration to figuring out how I can avoid this in the future. I realized some deep patterns in my psyche that need work. 

As an update, this person has initiated texting fairly constantly since they ended the relationship, almost as if they want to keep me in the loop regarding their whereabouts. They have sent weird texts, like social media posts just for me. Then they sent texts about an issue we disagreed about while we were together, and seemed to be trying to instigate another fight, post breakup, which makes no sense.

What is interesting also is that he hasn't asked about anything substantial going on in my life. He doesn't seem to care about my health or quality of life at all. 

That saying "When someone shows you who they are, believe them, the very first time" feels so fitting. 

Thank you all again. 

If attraction, friendship, compatibility isn't present, drop it. I think most of us understand when those are present. If you haven't found a certain cricket, know that your wicket is likely out there.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's time to block him. 

[stillafool]

Why

20 hours ago, ciara_love said:

That saying "When someone shows you who they are, believe them, the very first time" feels so fitting. 

Then why haven't you deleted and blocked this guy by now?

[ciara_love]

Thank you for your advice! I am not in contact with him anymore. I don't know that I will formally block him as we are part of a yoga community together but I do not see a need to engage in further discussion either. I appreciate the support all of you have shown in this forum. Thank you again.

[spiderowl]

On 12/22/2023 at 5:23 AM, ciara_love said:

Greetings, 

I am interested to hear from others regarding moving quickly in relationships versus love bombing. I dated someone who seemed emotionally stable, and when we first starting spending time together he quickly began expressing feelings. We had a lot of common interests and our personalities were very compatible.

However, the following things occurred quickly: 

1. He said "I love you" within two weeks of dating

2. He made a lot of eye contact and showed a lot of tenderness 

3. He was consistent and video called me every day for the first 4 months 

4. He purchased plane tickets to visit me in another country and visited me for 2 weeks 

4. He said things like "I want to be with you always" : "You are the woman I have been waiting for my whole life" : "I will never love anyone as much as I love you" : and he referred to our shared future together all the time

5. His proclamations of love and wanting to be with me always felt genuine and sincere - he legitimately opened up to me and became vulnerable

6. He told me that I always had a place to live with him if I wanted to

After 5 months he said he no longer feels the same way. When asked why, he started listed things that he knew about me from the beginning. It felt like excuses and rationalizations. I want to believe that his love for me was sincere at the time that he proclaimed it, but now I question everything. I feel like I was idealized as he said I was basically his dream woman over and over. He was really attracted. [ ] 

I am just seeking insights and wondering if anyone would like to share similar experiences. Has anyone else been through this? If so, how did you recover? Did you ever hear of your former partner healing through therapy and eventually changing their behavior pattern? 

I feel devastated as it truly felt like a very deep and intimate connection for a long time. 

Thank you in advance. 

Ciara 

Hi Ciara,

I am sorry to hear what happened.  It can be shocking to meet someone who does this love bombing.  It has happened to me too, in the past.  In retrospect, I feel he was just saying these things because 'that's what you do in a relationship' and was just good at convincing me he meant it.  Looking back, I think I was dealing with a womaniser though I do not think that all these love bombers are such.  Some just have personality problems.  A friend of mine told me of a friend of hers (yes, gossip but without names of course).  This friend was always falling madly in love with various men and moving very quickly with them - romancing, declaring love, moving in with them, etc.  Then a few months later, she decided they were wrong for her and spent weeks extricating herself from the situation.  It was a pattern with her that damaged her as well as the poor guy she had lovebombed.  

It sounds to me like the guy you dealt with is similar - he's all in it and over the top, but then can switch in an instant.  He may have met someone else.  I am so sorry because I know how hurtful it is and how it makes you question who you can trust.  Bear in mind that someone sane and sensible will be consistent and careful to pay attention to your feelings.  He made lots of declarations to you but did he really take into consideration your feelings about any of this?  He tried to sweep you off your feet.  Honestly, these guys who lovebomb need to be kept at a distance and avoided.  They are too unstable.

[Acacia98]

On 12/23/2023 at 6:35 AM, ciara_love said:

Is it still love bombing if they say they never did it with anyone else and they feel believable? This guy seems sincere and he says that he never felt this way before. I know that is a line for a reason but he genuinely seemed to be super in love. He says that he just lost feeling and didn't feel like doing any work to be in a relationship with anyone. Has anyone heard that before? 

Is it perhaps selective loss of memory that might make someone say they never did this before? I have noticed that sometimes he doesn't seem to remember things the same way that I do.

I spoke with him this week and he felt very cut off from his emotions. He almost felt dissociated. Has anyone else witnessed this from a "love bomber"? 

Yes. In my experience, the people who do this type of thing are very good at forgetting they said/did stuff in the past. I think of it as being partly due to their lack of self-awareness and partly due to their refusal to accept the not so flattering aspects of their personalities/behaviors. They want to think of themselves as favorably as possible, so it's not surprising they "forget" stuff.

But having said that, don't be so committed to putting this guy in a box and labelling it. It doesn't matter whether he's a classic love-bomber (or not). Seems to me that the most important thing he's revealed about himself is that he allows himself to get carried away by the emotions of the moment and then he discards you and moves on. Whether or not he did it with calculation, he hurt you and showed himself to be unreliable. Therefore, you can rest assured he will do it again if you give him another chance. 

[Acacia98]

23 hours ago, ciara_love said:

Thank you for your advice! I am not in contact with him anymore. I don't know that I will formally block him as we are part of a yoga community together but I do not see a need to engage in further discussion either. I appreciate the support all of you have shown in this forum. Thank you again.

If he becomes more insistent, you may find that you really do have to block him. You see, as much as you may want to keep the peace in the community, you may find that his persistence disturbs your equilibrium and peace of mind.

[ciara_love]

Thank you all again for your responses. Yes, the important thing that I am remembering is that this person got carried away, made a lot of promises, and then did not apologize at all for his sudden abandonment of the situation. This is what bugs me the most, because I did not ask for any of it. He was the first to say I love you, the first to escalate the relationship in every single way, the first to suggest living together, etc. I did not ask for any of these things from him and that is the part that I keep still sitting with. It would have been so much easier for me to move on if he had just acted like a "normal" guy in a relationship. I would have managed my expectations from the beginning and only been a little sad after a break up. But it was the lines, the promises, and the declarations of unending love that built my expectations up. Otherwise I would have been a lot more cautious. Now in the future, if anyone uses these lines again, I will back up and ask them, "How do you love me? It has only been a few weeks?" or make a joke of some kind. I figure if a person is sincere, they will be self-aware enough to know that they are super fast-forwarding and they will acknowledge that they are being impulsive. And if they don't acknowledge that and get offended or upset, it is probably a big red flag. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, ciara_love said:

Thank you all again for your responses. Yes, the important thing that I am remembering is that this person got carried away, made a lot of promises, and then did not apologize at all for his sudden abandonment of the situation. This is what bugs me the most, because I did not ask for any of it. He was the first to say I love you, the first to escalate the relationship in every single way, the first to suggest living together, etc. I did not ask for any of these things from him and that is the part that I keep still sitting with. It would have been so much easier for me to move on if he had just acted like a "normal" guy in a relationship. I would have managed my expectations from the beginning and only been a little sad after a break up. But it was the lines, the promises, and the declarations of unending love that built my expectations up. Otherwise I would have been a lot more cautious. Now in the future, if anyone uses these lines again, I will back up and ask them, "How do you love me? It has only been a few weeks?" or make a joke of some kind. I figure if a person is sincere, they will be self-aware enough to know that they are super fast-forwarding and they will acknowledge that they are being impulsive. And if they don't acknowledge that and get offended or upset, it is probably a big red flag. 

 

Sounds like you're having trouble moving on from this. FWIW, I had someone tell me they were in love with me after knowing me for two weeks. It happens. But I knew that it was likely to get all dramatic and sappy, so I kept myself in check. He would talk about coming to see me and I made sure not to plan anything ahead with him. I just rolled with it. Guys who get excited, can say things that they might regret, have you ever thought of that?

I don't think it is really a good idea to read so much into what he said. And if someone said to me how could you have ever loved me, I'd say get a grip, I get to decide who and how I love and fall in love with.

There are people that fall in love 12 weeks, people that fall in love on a first date and remain married 50 years. This wasn't the right man for you and I'm glad that you eventually cultivated the strength to shut the door on any contact with him- so that it's all over! You've done the hardest bit.

Find a way, a new way to trust people.

Edited January 22, 2024 by Alpacalia

[ciara_love]

Thank you for your response, Alpacalia. That is super helpful. Yes, I am having a hard time moving on. It is because we met through a spiritual retreat and we connected on that level. It was a big deal for me to connect with a guy that way. I am at a place now where at least I forgive him and feel a lot more peaceful about the situation. I know that my life will continue to improve and I feel more confident about dating and getting to know other guys. Strange how this rejection more than any other actually has led to me feeling a LOT less afraid of rejection. It almost feels like I don't have anything to lose anymore. I just want to be myself and be loved for being myself. Right now I am working on cultivating and feeling self love. I can look at the positive gains from the situation. Honestly, I really liked him when we first met and I was not sure how he felt. It was almost a huge confidence boost to see how far this guy would go initially to impress me and declare feelings. It showed me that maybe there are a lot of guys who would be interested in me if I engage more socially and am open to connection. So I am trying to take away the lessons and gains from this loss

[Alpacalia]

32 minutes ago, ciara_love said:

Thank you for your response, Alpacalia. That is super helpful. Yes, I am having a hard time moving on. It is because we met through a spiritual retreat and we connected on that level. It was a big deal for me to connect with a guy that way. I am at a place now where at least I forgive him and feel a lot more peaceful about the situation. I know that my life will continue to improve and I feel more confident about dating and getting to know other guys. Strange how this rejection more than any other actually has led to me feeling a LOT less afraid of rejection. It almost feels like I don't have anything to lose anymore. I just want to be myself and be loved for being myself. Right now I am working on cultivating and feeling self love. I can look at the positive gains from the situation. Honestly, I really liked him when we first met and I was not sure how he felt. It was almost a huge confidence boost to see how far this guy would go initially to impress me and declare feelings. It showed me that maybe there are a lot of guys who would be interested in me if I engage more socially and am open to connection. So I am trying to take away the lessons and gains from this loss

Awe, that's so great to hear! It sounds like you have really grown and learned a lot from this experience. I think you're 100% right, there are so many people out there who would be interested in you and would love to connect with you on a deeper level.. You sound like an amazing person with a lot to offer someone.

Edited January 22, 2024 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, ciara_love said:

But it was the lines, the promises, and the declarations of unending love that built my expectations up. Otherwise I would have been a lot more cautious.

Yes, let this be a lesson that you need to cautious and manage your expectations anyway. 

Hearing grand declarations early on can be an ego-boost but it needs to be taken with a big boulder of salt. It's only after you truly get to know each other and spend plenty of time together in person that you can start to take such things more seriously. Otherwise, it's the sign of someone who gets carried away and isn't speaking sincerely. 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, ciara_love said:

, I am having a hard time moving on. . I am at a place now where at least I forgive him and feel a lot more peaceful about the situation..

It's good you're feeling better. It seems like you are mourning the fantasy of this man and the fantasy of what could have been.  Sadly many LDRs can result in filling in the blanks with our hopes and wishes. 

All you need to do is meet local men one-on-one and get to know them in real life so that talk is not replacing reality.  There's a saying about "if it seems too good to be true, it probably is".