Feeling empty and hurt, don't know what to do!

[Tiana0540]

Background: I’m 29f and he is 31m. We have been together since we were in high school. We live together and have children. Our relationship has been rocky, many ups and downs since I can remember.
Over the years, many small things have been done that have hurt me, and he’s always been awful at communication and adult conversation. It always turned into a huge argument whenever I tried to explain how I feel. The past 3/4 years I’ve felt dismissed and ignored expressing my feelings. I have no help at home and feel like I’m drowning, I brought that up as well, and yet was ignored. I feel like I’m with a child, and I’m not exactly happy with things. 
Back in sept, I suggested I was done with the relationship and I’m not happy. I’ve realized I have lost myself and completely am falling apart mentally. I expressed this, and he promised change (again) and even couples therapy (we aren’t married). Here we are 3 months later and nothing has been done, we’ve barely communicated, and things are just weird and obviously no better.. he’s not a bad person, he doesn’t get violent with me, has never cheated, works hard BUT I feel like I’ve lost everything for him. I don’t feel anything towards him but resentment and frustration. But my constantly fighting the battle of do I finally give up and tear apart our family or would that be the worst decision and I’ll regret it. Any body have any advice? 

[stillafool]

Yes, go to counseling or leave.  The good news is you are free and not married to him.  Why haven't you two married by now?

[Alpacalia]

Instead of asking why you're here, you're telling yourself why you should stay. When you need to be asking yourself why are you still here to begin with.

[Tiana0540]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes, go to counseling or leave.  The good news is you are free and not married to him.  Why haven't you two married by now?

We got engaged one year into our relationship, but we were young and wanted to wait a few years. I brought it up into conversation about 4 years in. We couldn’t agree on a time of year, we tried to compromise. He said give me a week or two to come up with dates I’m ok with and you do the same. Well I did, he didn’t and ignored it and never brought it up for a month. When I finally said something, he got defensive. He ruined that for me, finally accepted the fact I will never get married.

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Tiana0540 said:

Background: I’m 29f and he is 31m. We have been together since we were in high school. We live together and have children. Our relationship has been rocky, many ups and downs since I can remember.

Sorry this is happening. How old are the children? Do you both work? Do you both contribute financial aid with childcare and household responsibilities? Is it his place your place or do you co-own or rent? 

Sadly talking at him hadn't been working.  He easily brushes it away because you keep doing everything.

Please only take care of yourself and your children. Please discontinue cooking cleaning shopping and doing laundry for him. Actions speak louder than words. 

Depending on your situation as far as finances and housing decide if the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving. He will always be financially responsible for the children, but unfortunately since you are not legally married, he has no financial obligations to you.  Hopefully you can continue to sort things out in counseling. 

Edited December 22, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Tiana0540]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old are the children? Do you both work? Do you both contribute financial aid with childcare and household responsibilities? Is it his place your place or do you co-own or rent? 

Sadly talking at him hadn't been working.  He easily brushes it away because you keep doing everything.

Please only take care of yourself and your children. Please discontinue cooking cleaning shopping and doing laundry for him. Actions speak louder than words. 

Depending on your situation as far as finances and housing decide if the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving. He will always be financially responsible for the children, but unfortunately since you are not legally married, he has no financial obligations to you.  Hopefully you can continue to sort things out in counseling. 

They’re young, 4 and 6. We both work, although I just went back in August. He doesn’t help with anything, other than watching the kids when he gets home from work because I work long days. We own our home. Every chore is mine, inside and outside the home and for the children. I’ve begged for help, even just for the little things (like dishes, picking up after the kids even their plates from dinner) and nothing. I’ve begged for counseling, but I feel like i might be too far gone at this point. There’s just a part of me that doesn’t want to regret leaving (plus there is barely any financial stability and no outside support)

[BaileyB]

My best advice would be for you to make an appointment with an individual counsellor - for yourself. This person can help you to take a deep breath, to think about what you really want for your own life, and then help you to develop a plan to create the life that you want. 
 

47 minutes ago, Tiana0540 said:

I’ve realized I have lost myself and completely am falling apart mentally.

This isn’t really about your partner. You chose this man and you have invested years in this relationship that you feel is no longer meeting your needs. You need to determine whether that is indeed the case, or not, and then make your decisions accordingly.

The one thing that you should not do is stay in a relationship that is making you this unhappy with the assumption that he is going to somehow magically change. He has shown you who he is and what he brings to a relationship. If this is not enough for you, you have a decision to make. Sure, you can attend couples counselling, but until he is willing to invest in the process, nothing will change. 
 

47 minutes ago, Tiana0540 said:

Back in sept, I suggested I was done with the relationship and I’m not happy to him. And that I’ve realized I have lost myself and completely am falling apart mentally. I expressed this, and he promised change (again) and even couples therapy (we aren’t married). Here we are 3 months later and nothing has been done

Are you waiting for him to make the appointment with the marriage counsellor? I hope not - because that ain’t happening. You need to find an individual counsellor and when the time is right, you make the appointment with the marriage counsellor. That said, you have some work to do before you spend money on a couples counsellor - that’s my advice…

Good luck to you. 

Edited December 22, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Tiana0540 said:

They’re young, 4 and 6. We both work, although I just went back in August. He doesn’t help with anything, other than watching the kids when he gets home from work because I work long days. We own our home. 

Please stop doing everything. Only shop cook clean and do laundry for yourself and your children. This way if he wants to eat or wear clean clothes he'll have to get up and do it without you having to beg.

If you co-own the house it will be complicated to extricate yourself and since you are not married he only has to pay child support. Please don't act like a maid or housekeeper or nanny. Only do your share.