Feeling so stressed over relationship

[Aloneandhurting]

Since myself and ex broke up six months ago we have been in contact but it's always myself that contacts him first. Telling him i love and miss him and want him back. At the moment hes telling me hes not feeling good in him self and is feeling down. I want to help him.We met up and decided we would give things another go and we was great together he said he loved me and I did him and we had a few nights out and slept together a few days later we had a silly argument over the phone and he has not answered my calls since but will reply to my emails and what's app messages. He said we can meet up for a talk but couldn't do it this weekend because he is busy but was messaging me throughout the day yesterday but when ever I call him he won't pick up. Yesterday we had been messaging all day then in the evening i called him he said he couldn't pick up as he was at his cousins bbq and could it wait. He hasn't picked the phone for two weeks to me but will text me whilst I'm calling him and he's ignoring me. This is everyday. He also says he's not ignoring me. What should I do?

Edited June 5, 2016 by Aloneandhurting

[Mittens]

"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"

 

Don't give this guy another chance. He's out exploring other options i.e. BBQs etc but enjoying the ego boost of you constantly messaging him.

 

Stop all the contact. He's made it plain he doesn't want to talk to you...his words don't match his actions. Words are cheap, actions mean more.

 

He's an ex. Treat him like one. Move on. I can guarantee from painful personal experience that one day you will deeply regret what you are doing right now.

[Tahirthegreat]

Exs are exs for a reason. If you wanted to stay in contact then you two should have stayed together. Time to move on.

[Aloneandhurting]

Yes your right. I want to lock him off completely it's just so hard. We was together for 4 years living together. I gave him everything. We was OK most of the time I was going to marry him. I'm having problems of letting him go. Although he wasnt emotionally invested in our relationship I tried everything to make him happy. When he eft he said he was feeling fed up so I told him to go. Thinking he would realise what he had but he didn't come back until 2 weeks ago. He said he still loved me and wanted to try again. If we had not had that silly argument over nothing he would still be about. I feel like I've been mugged off. Everyone's telling me to give up and move on. He did at one point but the thought of never seeing or hearing from him again hurts so much. I mean he texts and emails me back and he says he wants to meet and talk I know I need to let him go. Why is this so hard?

[NolaLeForte]

It’s hard to make that decision to cut off contact with the person you want to be with more than ever, but it sounds like that’s what you need more than anything right now. You’re still very emotionally invested in him and you can’t break that tie while you’re still contacting him all the time. He’s not giving you what you need, and you’re not together so no matter how the interaction goes, you’ll be left wanting to some degree or another.

 

You said that you were putting so much into making the relationship work and making him happy but he wasn’t emotionally invested. We naturally care more for things we invest in (time, money, etc) and you’ve invested a lot into the relationship and it seems like you didn’t get what you wanted/needed out of it, so its even harder to let go. It can almost feel like you’re accepting that he is not going to give you what you need/deserve- but its not about that, its about not accepting things that do not serve you in your life.

 

Also on a side note, don’t beat yourself up about the argument you guys had. It seems like all of this was almost inevitable anyway, so it can almost be a blessing that this happened. Otherwise you may have just gotten dragged back into something with someone who will never be able to fulfill your emotional needs, and you deserve more than that.

 

Right now, he’s leaving you hanging on. He’ll text, whatsapp, whatever, but when it comes to real interaction there’s nothing. No contact is hard because it is the tangible way that the breakup is manifested in your life, and that’s not an easy decision to make but you’re only hurting yourself trying to hold on. Don’t think about it like he’s not going to be there anymore, and you’ll miss him being a part of your life- think about how you’ll feel better not waiting around for him to text you back, to have to question what’s going on with him, and how much easier it is to focus on you, which is what you need more than anything right now.

 

It’s hard, but making that conscious decision to not talk to him anymore and focus on you is the first step in moving on, but you also have to be okay with recognizing that is what has to happen. It’s all a process- It will get much easier in time and you will have more clarity about him and the situation once you have gotten some space. Take care x

[stillafool]

The little argument you had with him has nothing to do with why he isn't contacting you. The argument was the excuse he needed to break away. He my love you because of your history together but is no longer in love with you. He is out meeting new people and I would suggest you stop calling and begging him and go live your life.

[whatnot]

The little argument you had with him has nothing to do with why he isn't contacting you. The argument was the excuse he needed to break away. He my love you because of your history together but is no longer in love with you. He is out meeting new people and I would suggest you stop calling and begging him and go live your life.

 

100% on the argument.

 

This may very well be the single most difficult thing we do in our lifetimes. We sometimes see these things on television. Maybe we knownpeople.whive.done.this. It's natural that we are unprepared for the true difficulty and emotional pain this requires. But...you are not alone in this pain. This pain will ultimately provide other opportunities in other areas for you. You cannot see, believe, or understand how right now.

 

Right now...it's triage. Stop the bleeding. I wont lie to you and tell you this is going to easy or quick. It wont. It may get worse before it gets better.

 

But...it needs to be done sooner rather than later to minimize the amount of pain you subject yourself to.

 

This hurts. But you are not alone (as your screen name implies). Unfortunately, only you can feel this pain. But others have felt it. Others are feeling it as we type. You will do this. And you will come out of this a better, more compssionate, and wiser human being.

 

I'm so sorry for the pain you feel. But...IT IS TEMPORARY NO MATTER WHAT YOUR MIND AND FEEL ING ARE SCREENING at you right now.

[Aloneandhurting]

You are all right and thank you all for your advice its much appreciated. I know this deep down. I feel used that he came back and then just used an excuse to get out again as the argument was so small and easily resolved. I feel so stupid on letting him back into my life and to get my hopes up just to hurt me yet again and me like a fool still on his case trying to get him back. Since the day he left me I've called text and emailed for him to come home. He even told me he had missed me and still loved me and wanted to make it work again. I was so happy again and had forgotten everything I had felt during the break up. I had my man back then he left again and I'm back to square one. And just cannot stop msging and emailing him to try again. The worst of it is he's messaging back instead of ignoring me or just telling me straight out I don't want you he's totally the opposite which gives me hope but I know what I got to do its just going ahead doing it for good it hurts so much :-(

[stillafool]

People, for some reason, have a hard time telling someone "I don't want you please stop contacting me." It sounds really mean when you say it out loud. You have to watch their actions, not words. It's time to let him go.

[Heracles]

The only reason I can think of for him not picking up is that he is around another woman.

 

I know this is hard but your only chance is to confront the pain and mourn the loss of your relationship.

 

Probably, somewhere down the line, you will be happy you moved on but for now, it will hurt.

[whatnot]

People, for some reason, have a hard time telling someone "I don't want you please stop contacting me." It sounds really mean when you say it out loud. You have to watch their actions, not words. It's time to let him go.

 

I'm that way.

 

What helped me was reading on another site to phrase it somewhat softer. Not quite as combative.

 

"I'm going to be taking some time for myself. If you contact me I will not reply. Thank you".

 

You're not asking anything from them. They can still try and contact. (You've not told them not to).

 

Then BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK. Block EVERYTHING.

 

Everyone understands that people needs space. LOL

[Aloneandhurting]

I don't think he has a woman. I asked him when we were talking and he said he's not interested in anyone else he just likes being on his own. I'm finding this so hard. I was getting to grips when we split and he was ignoring my calls back then and id get the odd reply by text. Then he emailed me to meet up and started answering his phone again and we got on great then that argument and he went funny on me again. I feeling like I'm going through all the pain again. I wish he hadn't have bothered coming back to hurt me again. I would just love to sit with him and have a really good talk and to just tell me why he's giving me all these mixed signals.

[stillafool]

I don't think he has a woman. I asked him when we were talking and he said he's not interested in anyone else he just likes being on his own.

 

I wish I had a dollar for every time we've heard the above on this forum only to find out weeks later they do in fact have another love interest.

[gaig]

I wish I had a dollar for every time we've heard the above on this forum only to find out weeks later they do in fact have another love interest.

 

so heartless, so coward, so true

[Aloneandhurting]

So last night I send him 1 last email asking for answers as to why he keeps going hot and cold on me.I just needed to know this his response was...I dont know whats going on. I told you how I am feeling just down and fed up. talking about it is not going to help. talking just leads to the same conversations every time and I really cant be doing with any more of those conversations, I must of heard it all a hundred times now and I bet your fed up of saying it. I'm having big problems with*that phone its playing up all the time so I don't really bother with it until I get another. *I don't know what to say, meeting up will lead to more conversations that I really cant answer 100% so that's wasting your time and mine plus doing your head in and mine. I'm just going to sit there not saying much which will frustrate you then leave and be none the wiser.....I know you and you know how I am when I'm like this.

 

I didnt respond and this morning have deleted all contact with him. I don't know what he's saying in the response. I mean we met up that week and he was happy and we got on great and now this after that phonecall. .. Is it I should give up now or that he's still confused in what's going on in his head. I will not contact him now. If I do have to let go I will. It's gonna be so hard after so long and thinking of how we was and the plans we had for the future but I know I gotta do it for my self if that's the case.

Edited June 7, 2016 by Aloneandhurting

[Bekki47]

Hi Guys,

 

Its been a while since I posted if you read my previous posts i have been through a rough time with the ex man who kept leaving me and hurt me so much...its took me a while to finally get the courage to do no contact despite everyone telling me to leave him he was still messing me around saying he wanted us near xmas then leaving me again after a disagreement or there was something i didn't like then he would call telling me he loves me then going silent on me saying he didnt want to talk to anyone.

 

He would call or text whenever he felt like it but if i called he would ignore my call and text straight after asking me to text him first to see if its convenient as he could be sleeping i as i know he doesn't sleep well! and does nights. looking back at my posts now i dont know why i put myself through it apart from the fact i loved the guy and i loved the way he was when we first met and when he was good. I am now no contact with him. I changed my number and im off all social media so i cant be tempted to look at his account or he cant contact me on mine,

 

The final straw was when a few weeks ago he sent me a message wishing me well and that i can do much better than him and he needs to fix his health he said his health is bad and he feels suicidal with it when into a lot of detail about it and doesn't want me waiting for him and i should move on hes no good to anyone and that ive done nothing wrong its him. This is after we had been talking again but he refused to meet me. I wrote back and started no contact, A few days after he asked his sister to message me and ask me to call him, the mug i am i called him and he said someone we knew had been calling him saying that they couldnt get hold of me i was like ill talk to them.

 

I asked him why he contacted me as he had sent me the goodbye email and text and told me to move on. He said that is how he felt at the time and he doesn't want me waiting for him and i said im not waiting for you, he said good but that doesn't mean i dont want to talk to you but i can only offer friendship right now. He said he was coming off the phone to sleep and would call after. I contacted him for two days after and text and he had gone silent on me again i got worried about him . He didnt even get back to me. Then a few days after he eventually texted and he asked whats wrong with me? and i said what do you mean what is wrong with me? and he said never mind just leave it yeah! thats when i sent him my goodbye message and have been no contact ever since.

 

Since then my anxiety has been through the roof and this is the longest i have been no contact and knowing that its done for good now i feel so bad im struggling. I feel did i leave things bad, does he think bad of me, What i really want to do is tell the guy i love him, its crazy i know i feel so lonely i been so used to having him in my life and the fact that he didnt bother and doesn't care makes me feel worse and the fact i still have this guy on a pedestal after everything is worrying. i have to keep drilling in my head what he has done wrong and the feeling passes. im determined to continue this i just want this sadness to go and feel happy again. ive put myself into work and planned holidays and meeting friends more it just kills i have always been there and now im walking away

[Zahara]

I feel did i leave things bad, does he think bad of me, What i really want to do is tell the guy i love him, its crazy i know i feel so lonely i been so used to having him in my life and the fact that he didnt bother and doesn't care makes me feel worse and the fact i still have this guy on a pedestal after everything is worrying.

 

It would be good for you to revisit your old threads as it will remind you of your reality. Often times we romanticize these men and place them on a pedestal when in reality, it's not about these guys but the negative view we have within ourselves that keeps us idealizing men that are undeserving.

 

Remind yourself of all the times he has hurt you. He doesn't get to make you feel rotten. You are not responsible for his bad behavior.

 

i have to keep drilling in my head what he has done wrong and the feeling passes. im determined to continue this i just want this sadness to go and feel happy again. ive put myself into work and planned holidays and meeting friends more it just kills i have always been there and now im walking away

 

Journal. I found it it to be therapeutic. You should have walked away a long time ago.

[Beachead]

Hey Becky47,

 

Your last paragraph is all too familiar. Mainly because I've felt that in several of my own breakups and have heard others stories and how they've felt the same way. This is normal.

 

Anxiety and pain is making you think irrationally because the truth is too hard to take in at the moment. That's just the mind's way of protecting you. But, always remember to keep yourself grounded and keep it simple. If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. You wouldn't feel so crappy. Wouldn't have play psychic or detective. Things would flow. You love and miss who you wanted him to be or who you thought he was as well as the picture you had in your head of how it was supposed to be. But, this is who he is and this is what it is.

 

Even if he's not talking to anyone right now, he will be and you won't be okay with it and that's all it comes down to. Friendship is not possible in the near future so that option is out as well. Nothing else to be done here. It's time to take care of yourself because you'll really need you to help you get through this.

 

Make sure you don't bury the pain and you let it in and feel it. That's real important when healing. It'll be slow so don't force it. Let the process be and ride it out like a wave. Some days you'll feel good..some days you'll feel terrible. And that's how it'll be until it isn't.

 

When I was really struggling, it was the gym, alone time, therapy, loveshack and journaling that helped. As time has gone on and I started to regain my emotional strength..school, work and socializing started to help as well.

 

Best of luck,

 

Beachead

Edited May 20, 2018 by Beachead

[Bekki47]

I know I should have ended things right back then..I would have been over it by now...it's hard because I have always been there trying and he has not helped with the breadcrumbs because it gave me hope which is why I feel worse. He said I needed councillors for my insecurities and I went only to be told I'm OK and didn't need it but he never went to sort his issues out. ..it's so sad I invested a lot in this guy..I'm getting there I don't have the urge to contact him. When I see my friends with their partners I get a bit emotional thinking that could have been us if he hadn't have kept walking away and not trying to work at things and the fact he doesn't care. I'm sure he has someone else who he's now talking to her was doing it behind my back with his ex anyways and I found out he was on a dating site shortly after the breakup. I just shake my head now and think f*ck him you know is anyone else goin b to go through the crap I went through or is he going to treat them better...is it all my fault did I bring out the worst in him I don't know. In my head I gave him the world and tried to be there for him with his health problems and wanted to support him to him I was a nag a pain. This is what I'm thinking now.

[Beachead]

I know I should have ended things right back then..I would have been over it by now...it's hard because I have always been there trying and he has not helped with the breadcrumbs because it gave me hope which is why I feel worse. He said I needed councillors for my insecurities and I went only to be told I'm OK and didn't need it but he never went to sort his issues out. ..it's so sad I invested a lot in this guy..I'm getting there I don't have the urge to contact him. When I see my friends with their partners I get a bit emotional thinking that could have been us if he hadn't have kept walking away and not trying to work at things and the fact he doesn't care. I'm sure he has someone else who he's now talking to her was doing it behind my back with his ex anyways and I found out he was on a dating site shortly after the breakup. I just shake my head now and think f*ck him you know is anyone else goin b to go through the crap I went through or is he going to treat them better...is it all my fault did I bring out the worst in him I don't know. In my head I gave him the world and tried to be there for him with his health problems and wanted to support him to him I was a nag a pain. This is what I'm thinking now.

 

I know exactly what you mean. Seeing couples all around me get to me as well.

 

This is the way you should handle blaming yourself. Remember that you made the best choices you could have made at the time in that relationship and they were all with a clear conscious and a good heart. That's all you can ask of yourself. In otherwords, you gave your all. There was no other better you you could have been to him and regardless, he still chose to leave your best. It simply means, this was meant to happen.

Edited May 20, 2018 by Beachead

[BaileyB]

Instead of calling him, when you feel like picking up the phone call a friend or better yet, a Counsellor.

 

You need to have no contact with this guy, so that you can focus on your self esteem and creating/living the life that you dreams.

 

Good luck!

[Bekki47]

No I'm still going strong. I don't have the urge to message hi. Anymore in fact I been re-reading my threads from before this was happening every month we was together it was so emotionally draining all I'm thinking right now about him is idiot!! For me putting myself through it and also him for treating me so poorly he just didn't appreciate the good he had instead he's out there looking for "better" I just got to keep reminding my self as hard as it is the love is still there and the thoughts of the man he was when we first met but that wasn't really him was it.

[gina96]

I've been with my partner for 5 years this year has been a bad year we have argued so much and gone days with out speaking, He is quite immature, paranoid and i have  issues communicating with him as he just leaves things for days and doesn't speak to me after upsetting me  then when he does talk he goes on like nothings happened and then twists things on me gets verbually abusive to the point  I stop talking to him and the issue isn't really solved he doesnt apoligise and its like a circle. we still care about each other and i have issues with attachment and find it hard to leave knowing its toxic but i feel i love him and I'm in a very tough place now trying to work out if I want the relationship to continue its been draining and I'm very unhappy and now christmas is here where  we usually spend it together I feel I should just spend it with my sons without him this year  but then I feel bad if he's on his own but at the same time my sons don't like him because of the way he has treated me they are grown up and have come home for christmas and they dont want to see him so I'm really stuck right now on what to do how to make everyone happy and get through it. I feel so anxious all the time. 

Edited December 18, 2022 by gina96
Spelling error

[Els]

What were these fights about?

[Atwood]

13 hours ago, gina96 said:

... he just leaves things for days and doesn't speak to me then when he does he goes on like nothings happened and then twists things on me and the issue isn't really solved he doesnt apoligise ... its been draining and I'm very unhappy... I feel bad if he's on his own...my sons don't like him because of the way he has treated me and they dont want to see him so...how to make everyone happy...I feel so anxious all the time. 

With all the above said: it's not your job to make everyone happy. You're being hurt and drained and demanded and treated very unfairly. What about what makes you happy? 

I feel for you so much because I can really see how you must be feeling under such a lot of pressure. 

It sounds like you want to spend Christmas with your family and the guilt of leaving him on his own is holding you back. I know this must speak to how much you care about him and it sounds like you're an empathetic person who really wants to make people close to you happy. Please try to remember that you deserve happiness too. You deserve to set boundaries. You deserve people in your life who treat you well. 

If you want something and it makes you happy, it's okay for the people you set the boundary with to be upset. I know that goes against everything that feels right. But please do consider this idea: you can decide exactly what you want to do with your Christmas, and it's not your job to fix other people's sadness or anger. It's not fair for you to be holding that for other people, especially as it sounds like your partner isn't doing the same for you. 

 

You can do what you want with your Christmas. 

Your partner's behaviour and communication is extremely unhealthy and not okay. It's not you. None of this being piled on you is your fault. 

Do you have access to any support? Do you work/have extended family/can you access any counselling?