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Feeling so stressed over relationship

Aloneandhurting

By Aloneandhurting,
in Abuse

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Wiseman2

Wiseman2

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Posted

Unfortunately your sons despise him because of the long history of abuse. Listen to your trusted friends and family. Ask their assistance with extricating yourself from this.

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JTSW

JTSW

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You need to put your boys first.

It obviously hurts them to see you treated like crap.

You said you're unsure if want the relationship to continue so the answer here is to end it. 

Your boys happiness means a hell of allot more than this douche of a bf.

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emilyn

emilyn

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I truly feel for you because I understand how you must be feeling under such duress. Please keep in mind that you, too, deserve to be happy. You should establish boundaries. You deserve to be treated nicely by the people in your life. You must prioritize your boyz.

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mark clemson

mark clemson

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It doesn't like much fun, perhaps the relationship has run its course? IF you want to try to rebuild things/make it work, it sounds like you could use some couples therapy to improve communication, reduce the "cold-shouldering" and stop him from refusing to accept his role in causing issues (what I think you meant by the "twisting things"). There might be some things you do that don't help matters either from his perspective.

Having an outside perspective on the dynamics and a "referee" for difficult conversations can sometimes help. If you decide to try that, suggest you look for someone with a lot of experience and who genuinely specializes in couples/relationship issues.

There are a lot of good therapists, but there is also a small, but real % who are "weirdos" so if you happen to get one of those and/or otherwise genuinely don't like your therapist, I'd suggest you not be afraid to try a different one.

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gaynor2080

gaynor2080

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Posted (edited)

My boyfriend and I have had a big row I dont want to even spend time with him over Christmas. we have been together 5 years we don't live together. He has jelousy issues and has done since i met him we cant even have a night out with out him ruining the evening cus he thinks I'm looking at someone. The last issue we had was when we got on the bus and the driver who i knew smiled at me and said hello and he kicked off and killed the night. Two days ago he got  jelous of workmen working at my house to the point where he said he was coming round my house to show them he was my man.and to see who they are. He rang to tell me he was outside by then I was out shopping with my sons  he told me he would wait outside for me till I got home and didnt belive I was where I said I was and that i was hiding i got text after text im lieing and hes no fool and im up to no good. He wasn’t there when I got back so I called him I was so angry he wouldn’t pick up the phone but was texting me saying he doesnt want to talk he's being like me two can play at that game. I was so stressed I could feel my blood pressure going up it was exhausting. He said  i lied and that I was hiding from him and I’m up to no good he doesn’t want to talk to me.

I literally went through the rubbish fir reciept and sent him the time and date on the receipt to prove I actually was shopping he then texted me he had been so angry he had took our pictures down off the wall i had brought him and ripped them up. We got talking later but he would hang up on me every 5 mins I gave up it was draining.

Hes now calling me today like nothing has happened do I want to meet up for a drink as we planned b4 the argument and  I told him i can’t go on like this is normal like nothing happened and I don’t want to see him. He said he naver came down and regretted ripping up pics He says he doesn’t want me stressing him over something that happened two days ago and he doesnt want me pulling him down. He says life go on..your not ruining my Xmas and said if I'm not happy move on life goes on he won't bother me again... I mean  I have gifts for him and he’s been going on like this what do i do now? i feel so stressed.

Edited by gaynor2080
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Wiseman2

Wiseman2

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Posted (edited)
16 minutes ago, gaynor2080 said:

I literally went through the rubbish and sent him the time on the receipt to prove I actually was shopping he then texted me he had been so angry he had took our pictures down off the wall and ripped them up.Hes now calling me today like nothing has happened

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Does he have other possessive, jealous, paranoid or abusive behaviors?

Abusers often act like nothing's wrong after the abuse, it's part of the gaslighting and crazy making. 

Please trust your instincts that this is crazy controlling behavior. Please give yourself the gift of freedom from his abuse and madness this holiday.  End it. Don't argue, don't explain, simply tell him it's not working out. 

It's good you don't live together. Please read up on red flags for abusive relationships. Please install a video security system in your home. Change the locks and delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

Please spend the holidays with friends and family. Please be honest with trusted friends about what's going on. 

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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basil67

basil67

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What to do now?  Work on an exit strategy.  This guy is more worried about you being a downer over Christmas than trying to address his behaviour!   He is showing no regret whatsoever .

Your choices at this point would be to either meet him in a public place and tell him it's over (I say this because he's so volatile and it will help keep you safe from his abuse). 

Or if you can't bear to see him, send him a text.  If he is rude in response, block him.   There is no shame on breaking up by text if you are being abused. Is there anything of yours in of high value at his place?  If not, best to just leave them behind so that you don't have to go there.  

Do not let him put guilt on you over the fact that Christmas is around the corner, and if he kicks off complaining about your timing, simply tell him that you don't care and really don't want to see him again.  Try to deliver this in a completely unemotive manner and do not apologise.  Do not tell him you love him.  Do not engage over how good things in the past.  Imagine you're a manager who's sacking someone who's been stealing from the company and keep that straight face.  Let your anger drive you and save any tears for when he's not around.

Hopefully you still have receipts for his gifts and you can return them

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gaynor2080

gaynor2080

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Posted
5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Does he have other possessive, jealous, paranoid or abusive behaviors?

Abusers often act like nothing's wrong after the abuse, it's part of the gaslighting and crazy making. 

Please trust your instincts that this is crazy controlling behavior. Please give yourself the gift of freedom from his abuse and madness this holiday.  End it. Don't argue, don't explain, simply tell him it's not working out. 

It's good you don't live together. Please read up on red flags for abusive relationships. Please install a video security system in your home. Change the locks and delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

Please spend the holidays with friends and family. Please be honest with trusted friends about what's going on. 

 

it's mainly paranoia and jelousy over other guys. He can't communicate properly with me he always hangs up the phone then ignores me He's 54 years old im 10 years younger he will always use our age gap against me whe  we argue things like " im older and wiser than you" " your a little girl to me" really makes me feel away you know. And everytime I pull him on his behaviour he will twist it and the problem is now about what I've done. he's the victim im being blamed for my reactions to his actions. 

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Wiseman2

Wiseman2

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Posted
21 minutes ago, gaynor2080 said:

 he always hangs up the phone then ignores me He's 54 years old im 10 years younger he will always use our age gap against me whe  we argue things like " im older and wiser than you" " your a little girl to me" .

Please read up on abusive relationships. This situation has all the red flags and features of abuse. Please don't try to reason with madmen. 

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basil67

basil67

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Posted
1 hour ago, gaynor2080 said:

" im older and wiser than you" " your a little girl to me"

OMG how patronising of him!   You deserve far better than this

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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Posted

Break up with him.  Take his gifts back & get on with life. 

Yes, 5 years is a long time & this break up will be huge but it's better than staying together when this isn't working.  You can't live like this.  

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stillafool

stillafool

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Posted

I know you won't do it, but take the gifts back and get your money.  Break up with this boyfriend and find a new one closer to your age and doesn't have jealousy issues.

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gaynor2080

gaynor2080

Posted
Posted (edited)
19 hours ago, stillafool said:

I know you won't do it, but take the gifts back and get your money.  Break up with this boyfriend and find a new one closer to your age and doesn't have jealousy issues.

Hi, I have already took them back and got my money back...we have not spoken since b4 christmas...the last message he sent me was that he knows he's lost me it doesn't matter life go on he's being normal.. I never responded I will continue to go no contact and just try to move on. Its really hard as been been together 5 years but I know I'll be more unhappy if I stay and I cant see his jelousy getting any better!

Edited by gaynor2080
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Wiseman2

Wiseman2

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15 minutes ago, gaynor2080 said:

...the last message he sent me was that he knows he's lost me it doesn't matter life go on he's being normal.. I never responded.

It's good you decided to end things. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Abusers often come back. Especially possessive controlling ones. Cut him off completely and permanently. 

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stillafool

stillafool

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Posted
2 hours ago, gaynor2080 said:

Hi, I have already took them back and got my money back...we have not spoken since b4 christmas...the last message he sent me was that he knows he's lost me it doesn't matter life go on he's being normal.. I never responded I will continue to go no contact and just try to move on. Its really hard as been been together 5 years but I know I'll be more unhappy if I stay and I cant see his jelousy getting any better!

Good for you!  You're right that his jealousy will not get better but worse.  Be thankful you don't have kids with him.  Also be careful when you start dating again because he may give you and your new date problems.

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MsJayne

MsJayne

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On 12/24/2023 at 8:07 AM, gaynor2080 said:

He's 54 years old 

Physically he may be 54, but mentally and emotionally he's about 4 - 5 years old. Obviously you've got poor boundaries if you've been putting up with this overgrown baby for 5 years, so, if you have access to such services, I suggest getting some support through counselling while you go through the drama of peeling his clinging fingers off you, because you can bet he'll be back around as soon as he's finished punishing you by spoiling Christmas. He's immature and abusive, and quite possibly capable of harming you or your kids in a fit of jealous rage. Him telling you "life goes on" etc, (feigning indifference), is typical of certain types of mental health disorders and can precede explosive emotional responses to the end of a relationship. Please tell someone what's happening, family or friends, so that you aren't in an isolated situation. 

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