Boyfriend is asking me to not go to work on New Years Eve- I'm in such a bad position

[Yellowrose91]

Hi all. The situation is, I have worked in a restaurant weekly as a belly dancer for just over a year. In general, I have had a good time. However recently there has been staff turnover and I’ve had some members of staff act quite rudely towards me , and I feel I have just come to the end of my time dancing here, so I want to stop working at this venue. The other day I received quite a rude message from the owner and today when I told him the last time I will be dancing is New Years Eve he seemed angry. 
 

So the plan for me was to dance there for the last time on New Year’s Eve, and let the owner know that if he has any other bookings soon after that he promised the customers a dancer would be there, I would still attend, but other than that I’m done. I was planning to say final goodbyes to him and his staff, for the sake of leaving on good terms.

I told my boyfriend everything that happened. He told me he’s disappointed that he’s letting the owner and staff treat me poorly. He said he does not want me to dance there on New Year’s Eve and wants to take me to a different city. In all fairness I did say I’d spend nye with him a few weeks back, but we didn’t specify where( I dance for around 20 minutes at 9pm, so we would still have time to go somewhere). He’s telling me he wants to prioritise him and he wants us to have a good time together on nye. Nye has never been particularly important to me, but it seems very important to him.

I’m so tied, I really don’t know what to do. Of course I love my boyfriend and he’s so much more important than the restaurant owner, on the other hand I don’t want to let the owner down and I want to at least be polite and say final goodbyes on my last evening.

Any advice would be well appreciated!

[Goodguy05]

6 minutes ago, Yellowrose91 said:

Hi all. The situation is, I have worked in a restaurant weekly as a belly dancer for just over a year. In general, I have had a good time. However recently there has been staff turnover and I’ve had some members of staff act quite rudely towards me , and I feel I have just come to the end of my time dancing here, so I want to stop working at this venue. The other day I received quite a rude message from the owner and today when I told him the last time I will be dancing is New Years Eve he seemed angry. 
 

So the plan for me was to dance there for the last time on New Year’s Eve, and let the owner know that if he has any other bookings soon after that he promised the customers a dancer would be there, I would still attend, but other than that I’m done. I was planning to say final goodbyes to him and his staff, for the sake of leaving on good terms.

I told my boyfriend everything that happened. He told me he’s disappointed that he’s letting the owner and staff treat me poorly. He said he does not want me to dance there on New Year’s Eve and wants to take me to a different city. In all fairness I did say I’d spend nye with him a few weeks back, but we didn’t specify where( I dance for around 20 minutes at 9pm, so we would still have time to go somewhere). He’s telling me he wants to prioritise him and he wants us to have a good time together on nye. Nye has never been particularly important to me, but it seems very important to him.

I’m so tied, I really don’t know what to do. Of course I love my boyfriend and he’s so much more important than the restaurant owner, on the other hand I don’t want to let the owner down and I want to at least be polite and say final goodbyes on my last evening.

Any advice would be well appreciated!

This is a no-brainer dear. 

 

You have an owner that treats you badly yet you're wanting to leave on good terms for the sake of what exactly? To keep working somewhere that people treat you badly? Doesn't add up. 

 

Go with your boyfriend. I wouldn't even bother with that organisation that you're working for. I'm going through something similar myself working in a team that a not nice In my case I've taken action and told management not going to put up with it. Leave don't look back. Go with your boyfriend and find a better place that treats you with respect and knows your worth you will be a lot happier 

Edited December 24, 2023 by Goodguy05

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Yellowrose91 said:

 He said he does not want me to dance there on New Year’s Eve and wants to take me to a different city. In all fairness I did say I’d spend nye with him a few weeks back, 

Please make your own decisions as far as your work and resigning. As far as breaking promises please be fair to everyone involved. The best thing you can do for yourself is say what you mean and mean what you say so you come across as reliable and decisive. 

[d0nnivain]

Be a person of integrity even if your boss & BF are not.  Honor your commitment.  Go out with your BF after the last performance.  

[ShyViolet]

My biggest concern here is, why does your bf seem to think it's his place to tell you what to do?  It's your decision when exactly to leave this job and how to end things there.  Your bf sounds controlling.  

Yes this job sounds pretty awful and you shouldn't bend over backwards for a boss who treated you badly.  But it's YOUR decision how to leave the job, whether to honor your commitment to work New Years eve.  Don't let your bf think it's okay to be controlling.  

[NuevoYorko]

Seems like you have the "people pleasing" dilemma.  

Both of these guys are telling you what to do.   You need to do what you think is the best for you.  

Unfortunately you kind of got yourself into an extra pickle by telling your bf you'd spend NYE with him AND telling your boss you'd work.   

[Gaeta]

For future references. Your boss is rude and treats you badly and you worry about leaving him in a pickle? What are you teaching him exactly? You're teaching him it's ok to treat his employees like sh$t. When he loses his customers because he's a horrible boss maybe then he'll think twice before abusing his staff.

You're a belly dancer, not a nurse or a fireman, no one is gonna die because you don't show up. Yes it's good to leave a company on good terms but l doubt you'll need a reference from him and l doubt he'll block you from finding work elsewhere.

That being said you told him you would dance so respect your words but next time don't accomodate people that don't deserve accomodating.

It's  a 20 minute dance, your bf needs to get over it. Tell him you hear what he says but your decision is made. You'll see him after the dance.

[S2B]

Keep your word on this situation.

in the future - when someone or anyone doesn’t treat you right - end the relationship. Stop continuing relationships when people mistreat you.

[introverted1]

Can you please clarify whether it is the staff who have been rude to you or is it the owner?  And if it's the former, have you brought the issue to the attention of the owner for him to address it?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This the same boyfriend from your last thread, right?

The one with whom you agreed to go on holiday, booked tickets, and then realized you were too busy with school to go'? And he tried to pressure you into going anyway? 

[Alpacalia]

Forget belly dancing. Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that you're prioritizing a 20 minute dance over spending New Year's Eve with your significant other at a job that treats you poorly?

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Yellowrose91 said:

I told him the last time I will be dancing is New Years Eve

 In all fairness I did say I’d spend nye with him a few weeks back, 

Please don't make promises you can't keep. Please don't double book and be indecisive. Your BF shouldn't be making decisions for you, but you shouldn't promise going on trips or dates and then backing out.  While this place was rude or whatever, you resolved that by resigning. But no matter that you're cutting your ties it's not a good look for you to stiff people, especially people who may be called for a reference.  It doesn't matter if you're a brain surgeon or flip hamburgers. Integrity is integrity. 

[Alpacalia]

I wouldn't do it. And I have fantastic job references. 

[Els]

If it was something that would genuinely impact your career in the future, I'd say prioritize work and a good partner will understand. However, it sounds like this is just a part time job for you that you are doing while studying. In that case, honestly, who even cares? No job that you apply to in the future will even bother to obtain references from part time student jobs unless they are relevant to your field of work. Just do whatever you want to do unless you really need the money from that extra night. Call your ex-boss and tell him that you have a change of plans.

Also, if an employer genuinely responded in an "angry and rude" manner to me resigning (if you mean that literally), that would be a safety concern to me honestly. For a job like this, where there is no company structure and no HR to report the person to, I would not see them again. Depending on the level of rudeness/hostility of the owner, it may also be worth bringing this to the attention of the workers rights ombudsman (or the equivalent in your jurisdiction), especially if you have proof like texts. Nobody deserves to be verbally abused by their employer.

Edited December 24, 2023 by Els

[Alvi]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This the same boyfriend from your last thread, right?

The one with whom you agreed to go on holiday, booked tickets, and then realized you were too busy with school to go'? And he tried to pressure you into going anyway? 

I am assuming it is the same guy. Boy oh boy! You are really dragging your feet since don't want to go on a trip with your BF. That's why you are doing anything possible to weasel out of that said trip. Just honestly tell you BF that you have a lot of studying to do and you are sorry, but you cannot go. He may get upset, but he will understand if he loves you. Sounds like a very lame excuse about not going with him. You would rather go do a 20 minute job that you are quitting anyway than go be with your BF? And a job, where you are treated poorly at that??? I understand, if it was a good job with a possible advancement and a great pay but a belly dancing? Come on, you are going to school to get a real profession. Nothing wrong with being a belly dancer as a side gig but I doubt it is is going to end up to be a forever job.