Am I overreacting by not wanting to talk to him anymore?

[Confusedgirl741]

Hi

I need advice regarding a guy. He’s a good friend of mine and we talked here and there but didn’t know each other too well.
Ever since he found out I’m not seeing anyone, he started talking to me more. We’ve been texting almost daily for a month and he initiated all the texts. The problem is that sometimes he will give me short replies and NOT ask me any questions. I had to put a lot of effort to get the conversations going and  I even felt bored talking to him sometimes. 
 

The last few days it got worst with the short replies that I decided to confront him and told him I felt he was distant and not really engaged in the convos. He apologized and said he was busy and really tired. I didn’t said anything else after that because I feel frustrated of having to ask questions over and over. The next day we didn’t talk and I decided to initiate this time since it’s always him doing it. I thought he would like it since he had mentioned in the past that I can always message him if I wanted.

I simply said I hoped he had a nice Saturday and got some rest. He thanked me and said he appreciated me worrying about him and asked me if I already had everything for Christmas. I replied but after that he continued giving short answers with no more questions. I felt like a fool for reaching out and putting myself out there and him not being eager to talk to me. I had already confronted him about his behavior so I thought he would take it into consideration but since I didn’t see improvement I just ended the conversation wishing him a Happy Christmas. I don’t want to engage with him any longer. I even turned off my notifications because I don’t want to stress anymore over him. Did I overreacted? I’m just turned off by the lack of effort he’s putting and I feel like I’m dealing with a boring person. I liked him a lot and I’m kind of disappointed. 
He’s a shy and reserved guy but I still feel like something is off. He used to write long paragraphs in the beginning and started giving me less. I’m taking it as a sign of no interest. What do you think? 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Confusedgirl741 said:

. He’s a good friend of mine and we talked here and there but didn’t know each other too well.We’ve been texting almost daily for a month and he initiated all the texts. 

How do you know each other? Have you met in person? Unfortunately he doesn't seem interested in texting this much. Please round out your social life so there's other friends and family and people to talk to. You did the right thing stepping back, if you think he's boring. 

[basil67]

People who don't ask questions (AKA can't hold up their end of the conversation) are everywhere.   The more you notice it, the more you notice it 😶.  Outside of my best friends, I'm starting to be surprised when I find people who actually do ask questions!  I'm old and I'd like to take the easy way out and say "kids these days aren't able to hold a conversation", but I know people who are nearly 70 who only talk about themselves. 

This guy probably is keen on you and he's probably perfectly nice, but missed the memo about asking questions.  Sadly, as nice as he might be, I think you can do better.  But if you break up and he asks you why, it wouldn't hurt to be honest so that he can find a better way for the next person he dates.

Don't forget that dating is about finding the right person.  It's not about finding a fixer upper

 

[d0nnivain]

There is so much wrong here.  

1.  You say he's a "good friend" but you "don't know each other too well."  That is contradictory.  Either he's somebody you don't know well or he's a good friend.  He can't be both because if he was really a good friend you would know him well.  

I get the sense he's somebody you have been talking to & you would like to date but it's not going there fast enough for you  & you haven't had enough time to get to know each other 

2.  Daily texting is NOT talking.  It's texting.  Texting is the world's worst way to communicate because you lose all of the subtext.  90+% of communication is non-verbal but all of that is lost when all you do is text.   

3.  Counting the # of texts or keeping track of who initiated is not communication. It's scorekeeping.  It doesn't work.  It's not an accurate measure of anything.  Quantity over quality doesn't deepen the relationship.  Texts are best for short messages so you complaining about that in this medium is misunderstanding & misusing the medium.  If you want deep intimate discussion designed to foster getting to know the other person there is no substitute for in person face to face conversations.  Video calls are the second best but texting is the worst.  

4. When somebody says they are busy & tired at the holidays it's best to believe them.  This can be a stressful time of year.  Since you don't know him well, you don't know his family dynamic.  It's not all a picture perfect Hallmark holiday.   Don't add to his problems by pressuring him now.   The other option is that he's overwhelmed & depressed which is causing him fatigue.  Either way compassion is called for not petulance.  

5.  You say you "confronted him about his behavior."  What is he, a suspect?  You feel what you feel & if you were miffed, fine but his behavior doesn't merit anger or confrontation.  Having a conversation or discussion where you air your needs or grievances in a civil calm manner would be fine.  Getting aggressive & nasty -- which is what confrontation implies -- is uncalled for & over the top.  I hope you were just misusing the word.  If not,  I can understand why he would want to pull back.  

6.  You expected instant improvement after one conversation & in the middle of that conversation to boot.  You didn't give him time to reflect or react. Real change takes months not a few seconds.   So yes, you overreacted.  

7.  You describe him as a shy & reserved guy.  While he may have been capable of writing paragraphs if he didn't see big glowing green lights to proceed he may have backed off because he concluded you weren't interested.  If you didn't do anything to advance things off text into real life he doesn't have the skills or the confidence to do it & now you are punishing him. The whole "confrontation" thing most like backfired here.  Shy reserved guys respond better to gentle nudging not being yelled at or having demands barked at them.  

If you want to fix this, send him a Merry Christmas text.  During the week make arrangements to meet & hang out.  If you play your cards right you may end up with a date for New Year's Eve.  Or you can carry on, being pushy & pouting.  You will lose a potentially great guy because you failed to be nice.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you two ever actually been on a date?

He seems to have lost interest, in any case. I wouldn't keep messaging him. 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Confusedgirl741 said:

I don’t want to engage with him any longer. I even turned off my notifications because I don’t want to stress anymore over him. Did I overreacted?

Yes. The polite thing to do would be to mirror his interactions - if he doesn’t reach out to you, you don’t reach out to him. If he gives you short replies, you give him short replies. As the communication dwindles, he will either pick up the slack or it will fade away… You don’t over-invest in a relationship with a partner who is not equally invested. 

You have the right not to engage with the man. You shouldn’t be “confronting him” about his poor communication skills and you certainly don’t need to block/turn off notifications. What he does/does not do should matter little to you unless you are trying to control/force the situation - which, you are trying to do by trying to get him to change the way that he communicates.

I’ve ended relationships with really nice men because they can’t hold a conversation. The ability to converse with others is a skill that is developed and it is absolutely being lost - so many people don’t have this very basic skill. That said, if he asks for your feedback, “Why have you stopped talking to me? Are you not interested anymore?” That’s when you tell him kindly that you want to date someone with whom it is interesting/easy to talk. Otherwise, move on with your life and find someone else who engages with you the way you would like in a relationship. 

Edited December 24, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Confusedgirl741 said:

I’m just turned off by the lack of effort he’s putting and I feel like I’m dealing with a boring person. 

It's fine to just step away from this situation. 

[ShyViolet]

Are you interested in dating this guy, or not?  Have you ever been on a date with him and how often do you see him in person?

Maybe he's giving you short answers because endlessly texting IS boring.  Texting is not friendship and texting is not dating.  You make it sound like you're living your life through texting.  If you were interested in the guy, then hang out in person and see how that goes.  Stop expecting him to endlessly text you.  I'm not sure what exactly you want from him.

[stillafool]

I usually find when people don't ask questions in a conversation it's because they are not interested in engaging in with you.

10 hours ago, Confusedgirl741 said:

I’m just turned off by the lack of effort he’s putting and I feel like I’m dealing with a boring person.

Maybe he feels the same way about you.

[Alpacalia]

If you're bored just stop communication. Sounds like you have given it enough effort already and one month of straight texting gets old very fast. Don't keep it going maybe if he asks u out for a date by all means say yes.

[Confusedgirl741]

Thanks. I just want to clarify a few things. We did go out in the past but with mutual friends because that’s how we met. We haven’t gone out one on one. 
We kept in touch through Facebook because we kind of drifted apart. So we were talking through Facebook messenger. I know I said texting but it’s kind of the same to me. It’s digital communication. 

I think I used the wrong word. I didn’t really confronted him about his behavior. I just talked to him about it saying that I noticed he was acting different. I don’t know why but I’m a little bit suspicious because sometimes I would see him online while giving me short responses. Could he be chatting with another woman?? And that’s why he didn’t seem engaged in the conversation?? It seemed like his attention or his head was elsewhere. 
 

I feel bad because I’m kind of “ghosting” him in the middle of the holidays but I feel like I’m not that important to him. My behavior is immature, but I don’t feel like putting more energy into this or forcing anything. I’ve been in shitty relationships in the past and I don’t want to settle. I would prefer to at least tell him I don’t want to talk and give him an explanation but I feel like he just doesn’t care since he barely says anything when I reach out. So why bother???

[d0nnivain]

Glad you didn't confront in the mean over the top way.  Mentioning change is fine, especially if you would like something different. 

The holidays can be weird.   I give everybody the benefit of the doubt.  See if you can fix this after the holidays.  Seriously he may simply need a strong nudge.   If you can't get this back on track by say Jan. 10, give up.  

[ShyViolet]

Why don't you just hang out with him in person, and see if you have chemistry.  You are putting so much emphasis on the texting communication.  Maybe the texting communication has fizzled out because this interaction is not going anywhere, it's only staying on texting and that is not the same thing as actually interacting in real life.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Confusedgirl741 said:

I don’t feel like putting more energy into this or forcing anything.

You have been messaging the guy on Facebook. You haven’t even been on a date with him.

You don’t owe him anything. If you are not feeling it, just stop messaging him and go on with your life… 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Confusedgirl741 said:

. We did go out in the past but with mutual friends because that’s how we met. We haven’t gone out one on one. 
We kept in touch through Facebook because we kind of drifted apart. 

When is the last time you saw each other in person? If you are still somewhat interested, instead of all the texting,  consider catching up over coffee or drinks. Text tethering can become irritating and as you point out, boring.  So maybe an in-person meeting could clear things up.

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, Confusedgirl741 said:

Thanks. I just want to clarify a few things. We did go out in the past but with mutual friends because that’s how we met. We haven’t gone out one on one. 
We kept in touch through Facebook because we kind of drifted apart. So we were talking through Facebook messenger. I know I said texting but it’s kind of the same to me. It’s digital communication. 

I think I used the wrong word. I didn’t really confronted him about his behavior. I just talked to him about it saying that I noticed he was acting different. I don’t know why but I’m a little bit suspicious because sometimes I would see him online while giving me short responses. Could he be chatting with another woman?? And that’s why he didn’t seem engaged in the conversation?? It seemed like his attention or his head was elsewhere. 
 

I feel bad because I’m kind of “ghosting” him in the middle of the holidays but I feel like I’m not that important to him. My behavior is immature, but I don’t feel like putting more energy into this or forcing anything. I’ve been in shitty relationships in the past and I don’t want to settle. I would prefer to at least tell him I don’t want to talk and give him an explanation but I feel like he just doesn’t care since he barely says anything when I reach out. So why bother???

I think you're putting too much emphasis on the digital communication aspect. The truth is, it doesn't matter if it's through text or Facebook messenger, the important thing is that you're talking and communicating with each other. If you feel like he's not as engaged in the conversation, then LET.IT.Go. This is someone you casually know, not your partner of five years. So there is no reason for you to feel possessive of his time or attention.

[Acacia98]

A word of advice, OP: if you're interacting with someone in this kind of context and you feel the person isn't holding up their end of the conversation, the solution is not for you to fix it. Instead, you should take it as a indication that for whatever reason, he's not engaged, and pull back. Don't try harder. Don't initiate more. Don't punish yourself by staying if you're genuinely bored. Just let the conversation fade away or end it politely. He may be uninterested, he may be tired or sick, he may be worried about something. You don't know him well and your relationship isn't such that he owes you anything. So it's not your place to ask. It's up to him to provide an explanation (if he wants to) and to fix his communication (if he wants to and is able to).

You really don't want to find yourself in a relationship where you have tokeep telling the guy how to talk to you/treat you.

[NuevoYorko]

I think you should stop the texting.  What do you even have to talk about, since you have never been on a date, you don't know each other well, and you both have "drifted apart" since you used to hang out with a group in common (if I understand correctly).

You need to spend time together, develop a bond and then you will have some stuff to text about.

Though even then, I think your focus and high expectations of intense texting convos is misguided.  That's not a valid way to build much of anything.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Confusedgirl741 said:

Could he be chatting with another woman??

It's entirely possible, yes. 

15 hours ago, Confusedgirl741 said:

I feel bad because I’m kind of “ghosting” him in the middle of the holidays

Honestly, I don't think he cares enough for this to bother him anyway. He doesn't appear interested in actually seeing you or he would have suggested it by now, so letting communication fizzle is fine. 

Remember that messaging is not dating, and if all you have been doing for a month is messaging, you've really got nothing to work with,

[Alvi]

OP, he is not interested. He is just a chat buddy or a pen pal. Is he dating someone else? Possibly, we don't know. You've been talking for a month now and he still hasn't asked you for a date. To be fair, texting is a waste of time and you cannot get to know someone by just words in a text. He doesn't want to take things further, like to get to know you in person, sorry. To be very blunt,  you are wasting your time. You can block him if it's going to make it easier for you to move on. Or you can stop texting/answering his texts (if he tries to revive texting you). It doesn't really matter. What matters is that is not interested. Go meet other guys instead of trying to squeeze something out of someone who is either very lukewarm or completely not interested in you THAT way. I just want to say, don't waste your time or energy on people who do not reciprocate. No matter how shy a person is, he or she is perfectly capable of asking you out on a date. I had few shy guys, who asked me very shyly to have a date with them. So, yeah, shyness is not an excuse.

P.S. He sounds like a time waster.

Or, if you feel that something could be there, take a chance by asking him out yourself. It's not something that I would recommend but you never know. Sometimes being bold pays out.  Perhaps it's better to ask him on a date rather than wonder years down the road what could've happened. It may or may not play out the way that you want, but hey, that's how life works. You can ask him when he is free and try to set up a day/time/place to meet. Something simple, like going for a walk or meeting for a cup of coffee. If he agrees, great! Wish him well and stop conversing if he says anything but "Yes" (or ignores your text). It that case, don't waste your time on him any longer.