Is this relationship worth pursuing or not?

[RockyGirl]

Ive been seeing someone since June 2023 and things got more serious since September, when we both said i love you to each other. We’ve been exclusive since then. However, he never takes me to his parties with his friends. He hasnt mentioned me to any one except his one close friend. When someone asked him once who he was talking on the phone with when I happened to call him, he referred to me as “someone l visit regularly”. He works 10-hour days and is super busy on weekdays. On weekends he goes to do church stuff with his friends or plays basketball. We see each other at least once a week. He hasnt made it clear if anything between us is official. He says he loves me but has a lot going on like family problems. It’s our first Christmas together and he’s sick so we didnt get to see each other but he was able to make it to their church service. Id like to visit him at his place and hang out with him but he’s too conscious of his roommates seeing me or seeing him with me. I told him i dont feel secured in this relationship, he doesnt spend enough time with me, and why does he not want to introduce me to his friends or at least mention me. He said he’s still adjusting and is doing things one at a time. What should i do?

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, RockyGirl said:

 When someone asked him once who he was talking on the phone with when I happened to call him, he referred to me as “someone l visit regularly”. He hasnt made it clear if anything between us is official. . Id like to visit him at his place and hang out with him but he’s too conscious of his roommates seeing me or seeing him with me. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Have you been to his home? Have you met any of his family and friends?  

Please consider cutting your losses. It's a huge red flag that you're a secret and he won't introduce you to anyone or allow you to see where he lives. 

[RockyGirl]

@Wiseman2 he’s in his mid - 30s. He’s a software engineer and works long hours and is more busy during the holiday season. So I understand the demands of his job. What hurts me is his lack of effort about us. Not even a “im sorry we cant spend or see each other on Christmas”. 

Edited December 25, 2023 by RockyGirl

[Foxhall]

Hes not quite ready to let the bachelor lifestyle go just yet, 

I suppose in that sense its only a six month relationship- he still wants to have his own space which is fair enough perhaps- it would be different if it were a couple of years together,

that being said, to be invited over and introduced to his friends- well its not too much to ask,(so I think your right to be hurt over that)

I dont know-Id say give it another few months before walking away- the benefit of the doubt as it were .

 

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, RockyGirl said:

 in his mid - 30s. He’s a software engineer and works long hours and is more busy during the holiday season. . What hurts me is his lack of effort about us. Not even a “im sorry we cant spend or see each other on Christmas”. 

Please stop allowing him to camp out at your place if you're a secret from everyone in his life and have never seen where he lives in 6 months.

It seems like you know he's hiding something. Is he in another relationship?  Sure people are busy working professionals, but the real issue is the secrecy and at some level you know this. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I would put money on you not being the only woman in his life. 

Forget this guy and find someone who doesn't keep you a secret and has almost no time for you. 

[RockyGirl]

Update: its Christmas and we didnt see each other. So I called him via Facetime and he wouldnt pick up the call but would answer my messages. I told him Id like to see him at least online because its Christmas. He rejected my call and said he’s pissed because he wants to just rest and lay in bed. I told him I just wanted to see him even for a few minutes. He further went to say he’s getting angry. Then he said his car is parked and he didnt leave the house. 
 

This is the first time he acted like this. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, RockyGirl said:

 He rejected my call and said he’s pissed because he wants to just rest and lay in bed. This is the first time he acted like this. 

Unfortunately he's been hiding for 6 months. This is nothing new. He's angry because he knows you're catching on to his lies and shenanigans. Please trust your instincts that there's nothing right about this situation.  When do you actually see each other? 

[RockyGirl]

We usually see each other once a week but this past week it’s been me who makes the effort of going to his place. Id text him to say im outside and he’ll come out and sit with me in my car. We’ll chat with each other for a while then he goes back inside. 

[Timjag]

Sounds like the perfect thing to me! But not to you. I mean do you like him? See to me the idea of a secret person you can go spend time with illicitly outside your own life is extremely appealing, I’ve given all to previous relationships and lost a lot when they’ve ended. 
 

obviously i don’t know his MO, but putting a new romantic partner into your whole life can be very risky emotionally, the urge to box it off quite understandable.
 

I dont really understand the church thing, it’s not my bag, are you religious? If not then he might be keeping you away from disapproving congregation folk

you may just want different things. Maybe you need to ignore him for a while?

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, RockyGirl said:

We usually see each other once a week but this past week it’s been me who makes the effort of going to his place. Id text him to say im outside and he’ll come out and sit with me in my car. We’ll chat with each other for a while then he goes back inside. 

Please stop doing this. This is not dating.  You seem to be chasing a man who isn't interested. Has he ever been to your house or met any of your friends and family?  

[RockyGirl]

He used to come over my condo once a week. He would never tell me in advance, just a few hours before he wants to come. That had to stop because my mom is here visiting. 
 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

He probably would have a hard time explaining to his wife or live-in girlfriend who you are if he answered your FaceTime call. 

The more you write, the more obvious it becomes that he is not single. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[RockyGirl]

He rents an apartment with two other guys but I dont see why I cant be invited in.  I also dont see why he had to be so harsh today with me when I wanted to Facetime him. I know he’s sick and not feeling well but on Christmas? Be that harsh? 😞 i think he got picked up by friends and is out somewhere. When i offered to drop off his gift, he said the more that he will be pissed at me. 

I feel like I deserve way better. Do I officially break up with him or just keep quiet forever..?

[RockyGirl]

@Wiseman2 he hasnt met any of my family or friends. I asked him to come over and meet my mom but he’s busy with work. I opened up the topic of Christmas parties and he said next year he will come with me. He’s gone to 4-5 Christmas parties this year and has not invited me to any one of them. I asked why he wont take me with him he said there’s no more room in the car. 
 

he was also sick 3 days ago and i brought meds and food which he says he appreciate. Im putting in all the effort and man i deserve so much more it hurts 😖

[NuevoYorko]

You said you are not "official."   You only see each other once a week, he doesn't even call to tell you he's coming, have you ever been on a date?   He's obviously invested in keeping you hidden from his family and friends.  

How or why you told each other "I love you" is a mystery to me ... I mean how would you even know?   Had you been drinking a lot or something?  

Anyway ... if you like this, keep at it - but you have no grounds for complaining.    What you see is what you get, and he has shown you no signs that he's interested in anything more or deeper than what is happening today.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, RockyGirl said:

Do I officially break up with him or just keep quiet forever..?

Yes, officially break up with him. Not for his sake, but for yours - give yourself a clean ending and be done with it. 

In the future, don't tolerate such nonsense. Why have you stuck around so long? 

[RockyGirl]

@ExpatInItaly i stuck around because he asked me to be patient with him, to give him time to adjust one step at a time. He said he will introduce me to his mom when she immigrates to North America which could be next year or in the next decade. I stuck around because I love him. But I think I gave it enough time to say that I gave it a fair chance. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, RockyGirl said:

I stuck around because I love him

Sincere question - what do you love about this? I would have been suspicious of him long before now.

How did you meet him?

[RockyGirl]

@ExpatInItaly we met through a common friend who connected us with each other online. For 3 years we were chatting and stayed just as friends, met once in those 3 years. Then May of this year met up and started seeing each other around June. 
 

the first few months since June it was great. He was great to talk with, very affectionate and said he’s looking for someone who is family-oriented. That he likes that about me. September rolled in and we said i love you’s to each other and i thought we were official. But i guess not. But he wants us exclusive. Which is fine for me. But now he’s like this..

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you ever been inside his house?

[RockyGirl]

@ExpatInItaly no. He’s never invited me inside. I just know he rents it with two other male housemates.

[ShyViolet]

There is no way I would continue dating this guy.  His secretive and shady behavior strongly suggests that he is seeing someone else, or at the very least he is not interested in having a serious relationship with you.  Why on earth would you stay with someone who is so disrespectful to you and treats you like he doesn't want you to be a big part of his life?

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, RockyGirl said:

 When i offered to drop off his gift, he said the more that he will be pissed at me. I feel like I deserve way better. Do I officially break up with him or just keep quiet forever..?

Yes. Please tell him it's not working out then delete and block him. You're wasting your time with someone who treats you terribly. Please talk to trusted friends and family about this.  Doesn't your mother think this is bizarre? 

Edited December 26, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, RockyGirl said:

I just know he rents it with two other male housemates.

Well, you don't even really know that. 

You know that he told you that. I have a strong hunch that's not who he shares his house with.