Can't get out of this cycle

[winterblues23]

There hasn't been a moment here where I haven't taken accountability for the fact that staying is on myself. I fully acknowledged that the reason I haven't opened up to anyone is exactly because I've chosen to stay in this relationship. I don't enjoy talking about this situation which is why this is the first time I am doing so and it hasn't been easy. It makes me feel vulnerable even though we are all strangers online.

I've been seeing a few people post who seem to be under the impression that I constantly nag and relentlessly push him to talk. All that happens is if he seems upset about something I calmly ask him if something is wrong and if he wants to talk about it. I don't understand how I'm nagging. If you see your partner upset and you haven't a clue as to why, it's just natural to ask. It's stranger to see that something is wrong and go about your business unaffected. I understand also that he might not want to talk right away however there is never a cool off period. The last time we were in a bout of the silent treatment I gave him space for days, a week. I don't follow around with " talk to me, talk to me", " what's wrong". So again ,if I've given the assumption I'm suffocating him with constant nagging, I'm not. I ask once.

I don't want to be portrayed as playing the victim, I'm not playing the martyr either. I am as equally frustrated to the fact that I have remained here for as long as I have, but again, that is on me and no one else. I understand that this isn't healthy and the fact I have stayed as long as I have is extremely troubling and that is why I just wanted some guidance. Maybe hear from people who were in similar situations. It might be simple to tell someone to leave a relationship however once trauma has been done it's not always as easy,especially if that person's self esteem has plummeted to an absolute low.

It messes with your mind when you see your partner have the capability to be kind, patient, understanding, warm, have the ability to be highly articulate and successful at solving problems...show empathy for others, respect and yet you don't get treated that way. I am the only person who was by his side since he experienced a huge life crisis and trauma early on into the relationship ( his family wasn't even there). I have been supportive and kind so being treated less than everyone else has caused a lot of confusion and hurt.

Maybe a problem of mine is trying to understand why he is the way he is and holding onto some unreasonable hope things can be any different. 

A thought that came to mind was in arguments he has mentioned his need for space and I thought it was a simple solution in telling him of course, he can always let me know if he wants some alone time. However despite my efforts he doesn't communicate this and when he's giving the silent treatment he knows I walk on eggshells and stay away. So I feel like I've conditioned him to think that's the only way to have space. I don't know how large of an issue this plays in his behavior but it's something that has been on my mind.

I have wondered if he even wants me around but he's not someone who would have a problem ending things and he isn't staying because he doesn't want to be alone. This is still the case but when we first began dating he was very independent and did not need anyone. He was successful, had a huge social circle, was independent, cherished time alone. So he isn't holding on for financial reasons, for dependency or for company.... I have no idea why.

I came here because I was starting to lose grip of my reality wondering if I'm the one at fault for his behavior, how can I be the only one treated so differently compared to everyone else. And truly that's how his behavior has made me feel where some days I wouldn't be able to give you a definitive answer and have questioned and questioned again if his anger is valid. It goes on for so long that all you feel is their resentment and anger towards you and they're so set on how they're feeling, how they feel they've been disrespected or wronged that you DO begin to feel like the problem.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to detach and go about a breakup. How to transition away from something you've been in for so many years without having much support behind you. This is the first relationship where I've had this issue as I've never held on if it became hurtful or toxic. I'd understand if this was a common pattern of mine in the past with codependency but it's not, this is the first time I've been in this situation.

 

[NuevoYorko]

31 minutes ago, winterblues23 said:

It messes with your mind when you see your partner have the capability to be kind, patient, understanding, warm, have the ability to be highly articulate and successful at solving problems...show empathy for others, respect and yet you don't get treated that way. I am the only person who was by his side since he experienced a huge life crisis and trauma early on into the relationship ( his family wasn't even there). I have been supportive and kind so being treated less than everyone else has caused a lot of confusion and hurt.

This is at least the 3rd time you've brought this up - comparing yourself to other people in his life as sort of "superior" because you were the only one there for him, and he doesn't treat you appreciatively for that.

It seems kind of off to me.  Maybe you don't understand his relationships with others.  Because you said he's close to his mother, and  post further down that he had / has a large social circle, has mutually respectful relationships where empathy is shown, etc.  So I have doubts as to how abandoned he'd be if you were not by his side.  

As I have said a few times, it's glaring that you two are incompatible.  You have not said ONE SINGLE thing good about him except that you had "moments of silliness and laughter."  I imagine he doesn't have glowing feelings about you either.  But his friends or whoever he has mutually respectful relationships with - well, maybe they just happen to get along better than you and he do.  And that's why they're getting the better side of him.

Quote

 A thought that came to mind was in arguments he has mentioned his need for space and I thought it was a simple solution in telling him of course, he can always let me know if he wants some alone time.

Hey - he told you he needs space.  Your response is  that he "can always let you know if he wants some alone time."  Like ... you'll give him permission.  

You totally did not get the message.  He does not want to "check in" with you to get permission for "some alone time."   He wants it to be understood that he is this way.  That his need for privacy is something that is a part of him, not something he needs to ask for on occasion.  

This is a very overt example of why you are so incompatible and why he is probably at his wits' end about now.

He is acting badly - but you're smothering him.  

The more you write, the more clear it becomes that you are two people who do not even really like each other.  It's actually painful to read.  

Quote

Does anyone have suggestions on how to detach and go about a breakup. How to transition away from something you've been in for so many years without having much support behind you. This is the first relationship where I've had this issue as I've never held on if it became hurtful or toxic.

You find a new place to live, pay the deposit, and then tell this man that the relationship is not working out for you and you are moving out.

Like  you broke up with your past relationships.  

And please try to make some friends, it sounds like you are completely wrapped up with this man and that you don't have outside friends or activities.  Fortunately you live near your parents, so you have them at least.  But you need to stop hyper-focussing on your relationship and / or partner if you want things to go well and be healthy, in the future. 

I do think that you would benefit from some therapy.

I hope things go well for you with moving on from this unhealthy relationship and that you have a good new year ahead. 

Edited December 29, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[winterblues23]

@NuevoYorko The reason I told him he could feel free to express that he needs some time alone is only because it was something that would come up every now and then only when we were in an argument. From my perspective it felt like something he wasn't sharing and it was building up and would come out when he was upset. I was trying to be undertanding and let him know that I understand the need for space and if he felt like he wasn't receiving it, he could communicate that with me. I made that suggestion after seeing that it was never brought up and thought it would be healthier and better for us to be transparent with one another. As someone living with him how am I supposed to know when he needs space. We share an apartment but I do not hover over him. It isn't my responsibility to read his mind and know these things. If I needed space or wanted some time alone one night I'd relay that.Since he wasn't sharing that with me I told him he could let me know. In no way was that meant to be taken as he needs to ask, as though he needs permission. 

I have brought up the comparison of how he treats others over me because it is a prevailing issue in the relationship. I've never once spoken badly of anyone in his life and have always been welcoming to everyone.  There is no feeling of superiority here , or feeling that I'm owed something for being there when others were not. My point was I'm the only one not treated with a baseline of respect, and that was my issue. I have spoken about it more than once because it has deeply affected me.

Anyway, I appreciate you having taken the time to listen and give your input over the last few days. Wishing you all the best in the new year as well.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

Does anyone have suggestions on how to detach and go about a breakup. How to transition away from something you've been in for so many years without having much support behind you. This is the first relationship where I've had this issue as I've never held on if it became hurtful or toxic. I'd understand if this was a common pattern of mine in the past with codependency but it's not, this is the first time I've been in this situation.

 

The suggestions I made in my first post in this thread were intended to help you get to the point where you could imagine detaching emotionally.

You mentioned being raised by a narcissistic parent figure. That might explain why you're stuck in this loop and unable to simply walk away. You're looking for some kind of closure you'll just never get from this guy. So you have to find that closure within yourself so that you can move on. You also seem to be looking to this guy to affirm you. He doesn't. Instead, he diminishes you, and you seem to have decided that his attitude towards you means that you are not worthy. You need to find ways to rebuild your self-esteem. You need to be able to find affirmation within yourself.

Consider reading as much as you can about narcissism and seeing how the information applies to your relationship with your parent figure and to your relationship with your significant other. You can look for books on the subject. You can look for threads by people who have been in relationships with narcissists on this and other forums. You can also look up the videos of people like Doctor Ramani on YouTube. All these materials can help you approach the subject from a less personal perspective. Some of them will even suggest ways of disengaging and of ending such relationships.

[S2B]

The end of the month is coming up. Go tomorrow and find a new place to move to.

pack your things and move out. Let him k if you are done - and that you deserve someone who can treat you right.

you can ONLY control what YOU do. You can help yourself by leaving him.

Edited December 29, 2023 by S2B

[basil67]

3 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

I have brought up the comparison of how he treats others over me because it is a prevailing issue in the relationship. I've never once spoken badly of anyone in his life and have always been welcoming to everyone.  There is no feeling of superiority here , or feeling that I'm owed something for being there when others were not. My point was I'm the only one not treated with a baseline of respect, and that was my issue. I have spoken about it more than once because it has deeply affected me.

Of course he hasn't treated others badly - he knows he'd lose his friends and job if he did.  On the other hand, you've shown that you'll stay no matter what he does....so he does what he does.

Some people treat everyone well.  Other people treat us in the manner in which we let them get away with it.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

 I told him he could feel free to express that he needs some time alone is only because it was something that would come up every now and then only when we were in an argument. 

Please understand he doesn't need your approval, permission, validation and endorsement to do whatever he wants. Maybe he doesn't want to be "heard and validated".  Perhaps if you let go of some of these invasive pseudo-therapy things and trying to turn relationships into therapy, you could feel better. It's important to know where you end and someone else begins.

It's also important to have emotional intelligence and empathy rather than assuming everyone wants to talk about their feelings the same way you do and in fact need your permission or encouragement to speak, be silent or handle it their own way. 

[Alpacalia]

Everything you've described about him fits into emotionally abusive behaviors. Right down to not being able to have an everyday normal conversation without shifting the focus back to him. From what you've said, he also doesn't appear to respond well to seeing his faults, is emotionally immature, and lacks a hell of a lot of empathy.

Here's the thing though. No one enjoys their faults being brought up to them. It's an uncomfortable part of growing as a person. We are human - we're not supposed to be perfect.

If we're emotionally healthy and mature, we not only recognize when we're at fault but also hold ourselves accountable for it. For example, if he said to you "I don't think I should have acted that way" or "I'm working on it" that is him admitting to his mistakes. Whereas saying "you make me angry" or "you made me act this way" is shifting the focus and not holding himself accountable for his own actions.

But enough about him, he's a lost cause.

Woman you are a catch, smart, loving, caring and independent, you deserve someone who you can love and who will love you back, someone who will have your back and take care of you, to have healthy discussion and resolution and come out together stronger. Consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor to navigate the shift in your self-esteem due to past treatment. It's crucial not to endure emotional abuse or be misled into thinking you deserve it. You merit someone who uplifts your self-esteem and respects your feelings, just as you would for them.

Nothing less will do.

Please don't mistake his treatment for a reflection of yourself because it's not. You're not weak or crazy or trapped, you're just temporarily stuck and waiting to be freed so that you can be the strong and independent woman who can make these relationship decisions for yourself.

There are good, kindhearted people out there, but you need to have a journey to take and soul to heal before you can find someone who truly sees how special you are instead of deeming it a bother for them.

You've become overly dependent on him and smothering because you’re afraid you aren’t good enough for him. You’ve settled for someone incapable of loving you. Someone who doesn’t know how to shine. So make a decision to shine yourself, or find someone who will shine you. That is your sole responsibility.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

. I was trying to be undertanding and let him know that I understand the need for space and if he felt like he wasn't receiving it, he could communicate that with me.  As someone living with him how am I supposed to know when he needs space. .Since he wasn't sharing that with me I told him he could let me know. I have spoken about it more than once because it has deeply affected me.

If you feel he treats you badly and despite your pleas he still does. It's your responsibility to move out. 

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

My point was I'm the only one not treated with a baseline of respect, and that was my issue. I have spoken about it more than once because it has deeply affected me.

Then why do you stay there?  I don't mean to hurt you but it sounds like he doesn't even like you.  You sound like a very sweet woman and you deserve to be treated better.  Don't hang on to someone this abusive just to have a man in your life.

10 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

Does anyone have suggestions on how to detach and go about a breakup. How to transition away from something you've been in for so many years without having much support behind you.

First you have to leave in order to detach.  Find an apartment away from his, move to the other side of town if you have to.  Change your phone number or block his, join a gym, eat healthy, reconnect with friends and make new ones, go to church, volunteer, decorate your new place, join a dating site, go out with new men.  These are some suggestions of what to do to start your new life and get over him.  I was married to my first husband and he became emotionally abusive after just 9 months into the marriage, by the time the 12th month arrived I had moved out, rented an apartment and filed for divorce.  I value my life too much to be treated that way.  Life is short, don't waste it.

[mark clemson]

On 12/27/2023 at 9:31 AM, winterblues23 said:

@mark clemson It feels intentional.

Quote

 he isn't holding on for financial reasons, for dependency or for company.... I have no idea why.

Fair enough. Maybe it is abuse or maybe he has "severe" avoidant attachment (there are degrees). These people sometimes want a relationship, but are "negative" so as to keep their partner at (what is for them) a "safe" distance. His independence, etc seems to align with that.

Mild avoidant attachment isn't a big deal, but severe is. Most of us tend to want a relationship on our own terms - when the terms don't line up with the other person's needs and (sometimes unconscious) expectations, that's incompatibility. Your experience is clearly negative and now you are asking for advice on breaking up.

You break up by breaking up. It's not emotionally easy (sometimes) but you plan a bit for it, find your resolve, and rip the band aid off. Make sure you have the necessary financial wherewithal to establish your own living space etc. This may involve some deception on your part, but that is sometimes unavoidable for you to be able to make the transition.

He is probably aware at some level (possibly quite aware) that he is a "problem" partner. You, thus far, have been able to tolerate him, so he is not ending things and may have hopes he's finally found someone who can put up with his "style". However, I doubt he'll be too surprised when you break it off. He might become quite negative, but have a plan in place to minimize any further interactions should that become necessary.

The good news is that he's shown his colors and demonstrated that he's not right for you. So you haven't let this turn into a bad marriage that requires a divorce, etc. Saves you substantive time and headaches. There is a concept in sales "getting to no" - quickly finding out you won't be making a sale no matter what, and so ending the attempt. Saves you time and energy that could be better spent elsewhere. Sounds like he has made that easy for you.

Edited December 29, 2023 by mark clemson

[viewfromtheoutside]

I'm a 36 y/o F and have been in a 5 year relationship with my 34 y/o M boyfriend. We have been living together for a few years now.
I have been feeling a little frustrated in my relationship due to my boyfriend constantly talking about work. He has always been a hard worker and values his career and being successful so I do understand that it is something he is passionate about, which I respect. My frustrations (I welcome your input and opinions on this as I'm not sure if I'm in the wrong or not) have started to grow more as time passes because he takes his work home with him and does not shut off.On the way home he usually gives me a call and the entire conversation is very one sided where he is talking about work and the stresses of his day .... often with me not having much room to have a say. I way too frequently feel like he is having a conversation with himself to be honest with you.
I do care about how his day went and there has never been a time when I discouraged him from talking about his day but is this selfish? I'd understand if it was every now and then but for it to be a daily thing has made me wondering if this is okay.If it stopped at the call I'd be less inclined to find a problem with it but it doesn't. He will talk about work when he comes home...on the weekends... in-between things we are doing and it's clear this is something that is always on his mind. Apart from work he talks about his own things and I'm finding it hard for us to connect in our relationship and have realized that we don't really talk about the relationship much at all. Has anyone had a similar experience???

 

 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, viewfromtheoutside said:

On the way home he usually gives me a call and the entire conversation is very one sided where he is talking about work and the stresses of his day ... He will talk about work when he comes home... we don't really talk about the relationship much at all. 

How is your relationship overall as far as goals, values, finances and intimacy?  Do you both work? Do you both contribute roughly equally to finances, household responsibilities?

Do you both have friends, interests hobbies together and separately? What do you two do in your leisure time? 

It's fine to listen for a while how your partners day went, their work,etc. however you don't have to be a dumping ground for his work issues. 

Please stop talking calls on the way home from work. At home, after a few minutes, change the subject. 

Why won't he talk about the relationship or anything else. Are you in a rut? 

[basil67]

I've certainly had experience with people who talk at me rather than with me.  I wouldn't mind betting that if you saw your boyfriend with his friends and family, he talks at them too.  I feel it reflects a high degree of self interest, combined with no interest in listening to other people.  There are a few people like this in my life who I'm stuck with because they are family.  But if I have any choice in the matter, they aren't the kind I choose to spend my time with.

That said, I my partner and I don't talk about our relationship much....I'm not sure what there is to talk about.  What kind of relationship things do you want to discuss?   But we do talk about all kinds of random things...TV shows, family, friends, future plans, domestic stuff and just random things.  Just now, husband made an observation about our house's Tesla battery, we're making plans for us to catch up with his family....we've also been discussing interest rates, what grocery shopping needs to be done and what to cook for our evening meal.  And we regularly say things which make the other laugh.  Are you getting any of this type of conversation from him?

 

[NuevoYorko]

Yes, it's self centered.   It sounds like he's not very interested in what's going on with you.  If that's the case,  you can't force him to be interested.  

You could have a talk with him (ONE TIME) about how you feel when he over-talks you and just sticks to the topic of his work.  Let him know that  it's important to you to share details of your work day, or whatever it is you want to discuss,  with him, and have him listen and give input.    Also that you want to spend time with him doing things (be specific - what things?) without the conversation turning to his work every time.  

Then you will have to assert yourself about that, because he obviously has a habit and habits are hard to break. And he's evidently very comfortable carrying on this way. 

 Don't expect him to coax you, ask you about your day, or what you think, or sit quietly and listen and ask leading questions, this is unlikely to happen.  Obviously he is not "that guy."   You will have to lead the conversation and sometimes say "hey!  I was still telling you about my new project!"  or "Stop!  We agreed that work topics were off the table at dinner time!"  

This might train him, but only if he really cares about your day, what you think, etc.  If he's simply self absorbed,  and not interested in hearing from you, you're not going to get anywhere and if this is bothering you  a lot you might want to consider the idea that you and he are not compatible, as you are not getting your needs met.  You might be able to come to a place of acceptance about it and spend more times with friends, talking and sharing with them.   After 5 years of you accepting him being this way, I suspect that it will come down to you continuing to accept it, or move on. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

That said, I my partner and I don't talk about our relationship much....I'm not sure what there is to talk about.  What kind of relationship things do you want to discuss?   But we do talk about all kinds of random things...TV shows, family, friends, future plans, domestic stuff and just random things.  Just now, husband made an observation about our house's Tesla battery, we're making plans for us to catch up with his family....we've also been discussing interest rates, what grocery shopping needs to be done and what to cook for our evening meal.  And we regularly say things which make the other laugh.  Are you getting any of this type of conversation from him?

 

This ^^^^^

I think that "relationship talk" is something many people dread.

If people don't have things that both of them like to discuss, share about or laugh about,  "relationship talk" is not going to do anything to fix it.  

 

[viewfromtheoutside]

We both work 40 hours a week and contribute equally. 
I think you're right about not taking those calls after work anymore if the focus of the conversation doesn't change!

Shortly after we started dating he experienced financial problems(now resolved) and his father was diagnosed with dementia and MS and now lives in a specialized place.His focus has always been 100% on his father and he goes to see him every other day....so between work and his father there isn't much room for anything else or at least he isn't making our relationship a priority or managing his time so that our relationship does have room for attention. I was understanding and supportive for many years but it's taken a toll on me as I'm thinking more seriously about marriage and building a life with someone.

We both do have friends and interests.We don't go on dates or activities anymore to be honest with you... it's been a long time.He is always tired after work and visiting his father.
I have made suggestions to do things together, go on dates, try new things etc but he usually responds with a lack of interest or I end off feeling guilty for suggesting it.

I don't know why he won't talk about other things....for the last few years his focus has always been on work and also getting his father treatment for his health problems.Even when things were good, before all the stressful stuff happened....his conversations revolved around himself and his stuff rather than including us.

I often wonder what my role in the relationship is...if I'm needed at all...I feel like a roommate a lot of the times. We used to be very intimate in the beginning and after about 2 years it went from intimacy a few times a week to only on the weekends...to 1x on the weekend...to every other weekend... once a month....to every other month or two...or three. My suggestions for dates came about because I realized we needed more time to reconnect and make time for each other. Having that scheduled date night allows us to focus on each other and make time and energy for intimacy. I miss the passion and the connection but overtime I have lost interest because I feel ignored....the times we do have sex he never takes care of me so I feel like a tool.It puts me off wanting to engage in sex anymore.

To be frank with you...I am having a hard time never being a priority and having everything and everyone else always put ahead of the relationship. 
I also dealt with a sick parent for a few years and was a caregiver everyday ...I always showed up to the relationship. I made the time, I gave him my attention and I managed my time so that I could focus on being a caregiver and being an involved partner to my boyfriend.

I want to be understanding...I have been....I'm just tired. Am I being selfish???

[MsJayne]

No, it's not OK to talk shop all the time, it's incredibly boring to listen to, and just plain rude when it's every day. Even if he was an astronaut you could only listen to so many stories about trips to the moon before your eyes glazed over.  I do have experience with this, my partner loves to talk cars, (he's a panel beater/mechanic), and I often get a blow-by-blow of the repair work he does. Because he repairs race cars he thinks that makes him much more glamorous than just any old panel beater, and he thinks the subject's riveting, because who in their right mind doesn't want to know what colour the winner of last week's drag meet's bumper was? I listen for a few minutes and then I tell him I've heard enough, and sometimes, if he keeps droning on, I menace him with threats of teaching him how to read a balance sheet. Just politely point out to your partner that he's becoming very one-dimensional, and when he overdoes the work-talk deliberately change the subject and keep doing it 'til he cops on. Also keep in mind that, depending on his line of work, talking about work all the time can be an indicator that the person is overdoing it and may be headed for burnout. 

[NuevoYorko]

13 minutes ago, viewfromtheoutside said:

.I want to be understanding...I have been....I'm just tired. Am I being selfish???

You should be selfish.   The guy is obviously checked out of the relationship. And you're not getting anything out of it.   I'm sorry to be harsh but why are you staying?  

"Relationship talk" is not going to resolve this.  

As I see it you have 3 choices:

1) Tell him that you need certain things out of a relationship.  Be specific.  If he is not interested and willing enough to step up (couples counseling might be helpful but only if HE actively wants to work on it), then you are left with:

2) Leave, or

3) accept this as it is and just go passively along with it.  Though I expect that he would end up pulling the plug himself sooner or later.   

 

[Alpacalia]

No. I have not had that experience. Quite frankly, the last thing I want to talk about is work. I get frustrated when someone asks me 'how was work' right after work. Sounds like the two of you don't connect well at all if you can't even have a conversation that doesn't involve work.

[viewfromtheoutside]

I have attempted to talk and find a middle ground for example when he talks about work he gets very riled up and will be raising his voice,not about me but about the day or frustrations he dealt with others...and throwing the stress of the day into the conversation and that's why it becomes so much more than him just talking about his day,every day.... it's him venting it out in a way that makes me uncomfortable and flat out feels like I'm a garbage can to let all his s*** in into. When he stops talking about his day I sometimes feel like the wind has been knocked out of me or I've been sucked dry....harsh to say but true. And I don't think he realizes how that affects me...I recall one time when this kept happening and I was also dealing with my own problems and after he vented it all out I gave out a big sigh... and he got annoyed at this with no acknowledgement on how it must feel for me to be the recipient of all of this.... I've made comments like " it's not healthy that all this is coming home with you..." " it's the weekend let's not think about work..."   nothing changes. If I were to tell him I'd like to him to not talk about work so much I know he would be offended or get angry. If he were just as supportive to listening about my day and my personal stuff maybe that would help but I can see when I try to talk about something he is not interested...even if he just spent an hour talking about himself.

I sometimes blamed myself as I'm shy and introverted and not as great as a conversationalist as others but when I recall our early dating periods... first 1-2 months it was similar where he often talked about himself and his life..... a hell of lot...I just thought it was normal and I was interested in getting to know more about him....but when I think about it he never really has tried to get to know me for me.

[Gaeta]

37 minutes ago, viewfromtheoutside said:

I want to be understanding...I have been....I'm just tired. Am I being selfish???

No, you are not selfish, he is.

You have become his  roommate.

I agree you are well past the relationship talk. He has emotionally checked out of the relationship and could be he was never really checked in. 

If l were you l would tell him you are unhappy and you will leave if nothing changes.

 

[viewfromtheoutside]

If he is depressed,stressed out and going through a hard time because of his father...am I in the wrong to feel upset or not a priority??? I think this way of thinking is what kept me here these years because I felt selfish...like I'm in the wrong for wanting dates and quality time...or for wanting his attention when he is dealing with his problems.

[Alpacalia]

22 minutes ago, viewfromtheoutside said:

I have attempted to talk and find a middle ground for example when he talks about work he gets very riled up and will be raising his voice,not about me but about the day or frustrations he dealt with others...and throwing the stress of the day into the conversation and that's why it becomes so much more than him just talking about his day,every day.... it's him venting it out in a way that makes me uncomfortable and flat out feels like I'm a garbage can to let all his s*** in into. When he stops talking about his day I sometimes feel like the wind has been knocked out of me or I've been sucked dry....harsh to say but true. And I don't think he realizes how that affects me...I recall one time when this kept happening and I was also dealing with my own problems and after he vented it all out I gave out a big sigh... and he got annoyed at this with no acknowledgement on how it must feel for me to be the recipient of all of this.... I've made comments like " it's not healthy that all this is coming home with you..." " it's the weekend let's not think about work..."   nothing changes. If I were to tell him I'd like to him to not talk about work so much I know he would be offended or get angry. If he were just as supportive to listening about my day and my personal stuff maybe that would help but I can see when I try to talk about something he is not interested...even if he just spent an hour talking about himself.

I sometimes blamed myself as I'm shy and introverted and not as great as a conversationalist as others but when I recall our early dating periods... first 1-2 months it was similar where he often talked about himself and his life..... a hell of lot...I just thought it was normal and I was interested in getting to know more about him....but when I think about it he never really has tried to get to know me for me.

What you can do is not be privy and not be the garbage can for dumpage.

You can break eye contact, move to another room, not answer and go for a walk making yourself busy. He needs to get a clue that his constant venting and focus on himself makes you feel neglected and unsupported.

When he starts going on and on and on, give cues in your body language that you don't want this dumpage - turn your body toward an exit in the room or away from him as if you have something else you have to do - and then go do it.

[viewfromtheoutside]

If I showed a lack of interest in what he was saying or did something like break eye contact and excuse myself from the conversation he would get pissed off...him pissed off is him acting like I don't exist for a week and giving me angry gazes....

I feel like I'm at a point where my body language does suggests I'm fed up... I often don't make eye contact when he's talking about these things and as I said I can sit there for 30-40 minutes and maybe get 3 words in without him being affected or zeroing in that he is talking too much....as he'll be so into what he's saying....

I also have tried to not be as available and put a little bit of space between us but he doesn't seem bothered by it one bit. He's focusing on himself 

Don't think there's much hope here