Can't get out of this cycle

[basil67]

@winterblues23 Where you are going wrong is in trying to reason with him.   He's never going to see your side of things - or change - no matter how careful you are.   When someone shows you who they are, you must believe them.   I really hope that you didn't say that you're committed to building a strong relationship with him.  Firstly, it can't be done without his cooperation.  Second, he's not going to give you cooperation.  The only thing you should be building is a bridge out of there.

I wrote earlier about my dear friend who's ex husband is like your boyfriend.  She actually got him to go to marriage counselling a few times.  He'd say what was expected of him, behave himself for a few weeks until she relaxed and then go back to being an arse.

If you have kids with him, how will you feel when he behaves this way to your little boy or girl?

[NuevoYorko]

I'm really sorry to say it, but this is exactly what I think you need to never do again. 

What are you trying to salvage?   Yes, you've referred in this message to "moments of laughter and silliness" when in your other posts you've portrayed him as an absolute abuser, but moments of silliness don't qualify as a foundation for a relationship.

I mean ... there would have to be something between you that would make all of this talk about "what's bothering you" worthwhile.   Something BOTH of you were interested in nurturing.  Not just you.  

So far you haven't shared that this exists in your relationship.

One thing that everyone has agreed upon in this thread is that you need to stop the groveling for his attention, for the sake of your own wellbeing.  

 

 

Edited December 28, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, winterblues23 said:

. How would you take it if your partner sent you such?

Did you actually send him this? It's  excellent you wrote this out but please take it to a therapist to unpack and sort out what's going on.  You seem to be asking for him to not be abusive in a desperate attempt not to move out. Basically it says "please change and don't be a hurtful jerk anymore because I want a relationship I don't have".

Edited December 28, 2023 by Wiseman2

[winterblues23]

@basil67 I think that's a big reason as to why I haven't sent him these attempts at trying to be civil and trying to work things out because he's never shown me that he values my feelings. I guess I've allowed myself to sit with denial for a long time as change seemed scary and I somehow felt like a failure, I felt like this person is so kind to everyone else I think I desperately wanted to be shown that as well and kept wondering where I went wrong. I don't want to be someone's emotional punching bag anymore.

 

@Wiseman2 No I haven't sent him anything of the sorts. I actually tried to have a conversation with him the other week that was hard for me to muster up. I mentioned that I noticed in his work and professional life he is patient, understanding and always wants to resolve a conflict. I told him I felt like that didn't extend into the relationship and I wondered why. He shut down, I said can we talk about it? He just replied with it was his personality. I felt very frustrated as it took a lot to be open and I was shut down immediately.

But yes I agree with talking to a therapist. I'll look into this.

 

@NuevoYorko It does seem like I'm the only one trying to salvage something. Something that gives me a lot of pain. I think for a long time I made excuses for his behavior as he went through a major life crisis and underwent a lot of stress and depression.But regardless I don't think it's ever an excuse to be unkind to anyone.

 

Hoping 2024 will be a fresh start. I appreciate you all taking the time to listen and give your feedback. I felt so isolated in this relationship and my problems that it's nice to have outside perspectives. 

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

@Wiseman2@NuevoYorko @stillafool @basil67

A while back this was initially what I had wanted to say in order to bring up the topic and try to come to some clearer communication or resolution. To my eyes, I tried to express things without attacking or placing blame... and I had to put a lot of my anger and resentment aside... however I've never felt confident to send it over I suppose because I had little hope it would be received well. I'm curious as to what someone on the outside thinks about this message. How would you take it if your partner sent you such?

"I understand the importance of taking an hour or two to cool off after something has upset you, as you might not be in the right headspace to have a productive conversation. And I will keep that in mind and respect that when you're feeling that way you don't want to immediately talk about it.
I do think it's crucially important for the both of us to revisit the issue within a reasonable timeframe. I care about you and I care about your feelings and I'll always try my best to do what I can to make you feel heard and validated.

The periods of the silent treatment and cold shoulder are immensely hurtful and damaging to myself and to the relationship as a whole. I feel shut out and it feels like I cannot reach you on an emotional level. This behavior makes me uncomfortable and hurts and it's a pattern I wish would not continue.
I want a healthy relationship where we are both showing each other mutal respect and care and we work as a team for the greater good of the relationship.

The other day I sincerely was not giving you attitude and I apologized if you felt that way, it was the furthest of my intentions. Sometimes I think a helpful way to approach a situation might look like "You seem bothered by something. Is everything alright?" I think this removes room for any misunderstandings and allows open communication rather than making assumptions.
I expressed to you that I had a really rough evening at my father's place that day and that's all it was. I was quiet for a short while, I was just decompressing. 
I was not upset and if you took it personally then I'm sorry. I tried to clear the air and be open about feeling flooded with emotions and despite that and my apology you remained upset and withdrawn for the last few days.

I'm committed to building a strong relationship with you. I cherish our moments of laughter and silliness. I cherish being able to find some good even in the most difficult of times.
I'd really like us to talk about this. I love you"

I've done all of this stuff, OP. It doesn't work. It just feeds into the cat-and-mouse game he's playing with you. You've seen how a cat plays with its prey? Whenever the prey responds in the predictable ways, that's exactly what the cat wants. It lengthens the fun for the cat. However, the cat ultimately kills it and moves on to other fun and games. If the prey plays dead, the cat gets bored and goes away.

When someone seeks to hurt you emotionally, I suspect their motivations are not very different from those of someone who seeks to harm you physically. So the desire on your part to talk things out, to get to the heart of the problem through communication, while not unusual, is just about as useful as trying to do the same with a partner who punches you every other week. You need to take the emotional abuse and negligence as seriously as you would take physical abuse.

The whole point of what this guy is doing is to assert his power over you. That's it. He gets a kick out of hurting you, out of watching you struggle with his silent treatment, out of seeing you essentially begging to talk or trying to make sense of his actions. And he reinforces his sense of power by refusing to play by your terms. He will continue doing what he's doing as long as you continue doing what you're doing because you are meeting his needs.

I have no idea whether he's a narcissist. But if it's helpful for you to look at his behavior through those lenses, then do so. But don't focus on the categorization. Focus on the individual behaviors and what they communicate about the person doing them (whether or not he is a narcissist).

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, winterblues23 said:

I felt like this person is so kind to everyone else I think I desperately wanted to be shown that as well and kept wondering where I went wrong.

You did do anything wrong.  

I've seen Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft been recommended for women in your situation.  I suggest you secretly read it

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

I want a healthy relationship where we are both showing each other mutal respect and care and we work as a team for the greater good of the relationship.

Please understand that if this is true, you're with the wrong man. He doesn't want what you want. You can easily get out of this cycle by discontinuing trying to turn him into something he's not. 

Edited December 28, 2023 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

@basil67

Quote

 I think that's a big reason as to why I haven't sent him these attempts at trying to be civil and trying to work things out because he's never shown me that he values my feelings. I guess I've allowed myself to sit with denial for a long time as change seemed scary and I somehow felt like a failure, I felt like this person is so kind to everyone else I think I desperately wanted to be shown that as well and kept wondering where I went wrong. I don't want to be someone's emotional punching bag anymore.

He hasn't shown you that he values you because he doesn't. How long are you going to sit in denial that?  If you don't want to be his punching bag leave.

@Wiseman2 

Quote

 

No I haven't sent him anything of the sorts. I actually tried to have a conversation with him the other week that was hard for me to muster up. I mentioned that I noticed in his work and professional life he is patient, understanding and always wants to resolve a conflict. I told him I felt like that didn't extend into the relationship and I wondered why. He shut down, I said can we talk about it? He just replied with it was his personality. I felt very frustrated as it took a lot to be open and I was shut down immediately.

But yes I agree with talking to a therapist. I'll look into this.

 

This is because he's getting paid to be patient, understanding and to resolve conflict.  He doesn't care to do this with you.  When are you going to accept this is never going to happen and go?

@NuevoYorko

Quote

 It does seem like I'm the only one trying to salvage something. Something that gives me a lot of pain. I think for a long time I made excuses for his behavior as he went through a major life crisis and underwent a lot of stress and depression.But regardless I don't think it's ever an excuse to be unkind to anyone.

Everyone goes through crisis at some point in life, so that is no excuse to treat you the way he does.  Stop making excuses for him.  He treats you that way because for some reason he's lost all respect for you.  This could be because of the way you allow him to treat you.  If you don't value yourself, no one else will either.
 

Quote

Hoping 2024 will be a fresh start. I appreciate you all taking the time to listen and give your feedback. I felt so isolated in this relationship and my problems that it's nice to have outside perspectives. 

 

I hope you get a fresh start in 2024 too, in a separate living space from him.

[NuevoYorko]

Putting aside the demonizing of the guy (narcissist, abuser, etc.) ... what about YOU?

This man has never even one time showed you that he cares a single iota about what you feel.    Seems like he's been very consistent.   You chose this.  And you are staying there, desperately trying to make him and this relationship into something completely outside of what they really are.  

Why?   

You really need to accept at a deep level that your efforts to recreate this man into someone / something that you dream of is NEVER going to work.  

[NuevoYorko]

Honestly, it seems like you are not even functioning within the actual relationship that you have.   More like you are "acting as if" in all of your interactions.  Like you're clinging on to a fantasy.

Question:

Don't you think that you were behaving similarly to how he acts towards you with that unfortunate (and unfathomable) Christmas mess?

You were having a good day ... went to your parents, came home, said "hi" and went to bed without speaking to him.

Isn't this how he behaves towards you?

It comes off as very passive-aggressive on your part. From my perspective, you were either trying to "give him a taste of his own medicine" OR manipulatively trying to get him to come to you with "what's wrong, did you have a hard time" etc.    

Either way, bad move.

Then it all got worse when (if I've followed) he got in bed, you both looked at your phones and did not speak.  At some point he told you that he found your behavior annoying and you had "attitude."  And somewhere in there he got out of bed.  You still kept up with your own "silent treatment" throughout.

 Then he came back in 2 hours and you started in with "can we talk about why you think I have 'attitude'"

No constructive interaction is going to come out of all of that.  

Full disclosure:  I, too, would have picked up on plenty of "attitude" when you came in and went to bed without speaking.

 

[winterblues23]

@NuevoYorko  I haven't tried to change him or the relationship to suit my wants or needs. The only thing I've wanted is for there to be mutual respect, kindness and communication. 

But yes, I seem to be the only one trying to establish healthy communication.Because I never set that boundary or got upset at him, he's just continued to be disrespectful because he can. That's my fault, I'm aware. He will go on for as long as he likes being angry and withdrawn. I always have let it run it's course while I'm the stupid one being nice and docile. I'm not aggressive by nature, I don't like conflict, so in the beginning I thought that if I was the calm one, if I showed affection that he'd cool off and come to his senses quickly. That never happened. Then it turned into twisting around him and walking on eggshells as a means to survive the silent treatment and just want it to stop however it never did. I allowed it to turn into this habitual cycle where this has become the new normal that whenever something ticks him off, even the smallest of things, his go to is the silent treatment for an extended period of time. And I call it the silent treatment because he might give me one word responses if I reach out to talk to him but otherwise he's withdrawn. There's never a point where he might get annoyed or upset, have a misunderstanding about something, feel it, and get over it the same day. Now the smallest of things, even things that I feel I have valid reasons for turn into something that goes on for long durations.

Truthfully I've put off trying to send him messages like the one above I've shared here because as I mentioned I don't feel as though he'll work through it with me. But there's also the part of me that feels like it's been almost 4 years,  years where every month I'm given the silent treatment or shown disrespect. There's so much damage that has been caused.

I have a lot of unprocessed trauma from childhood and dealing with a narcissist as my primary caregiver. And I think that has bled into this relationship where I've often blamed myself as being at fault due to the fact at seeing my partner be a kind, dependable friend to others. A successful and helpful co-worker. An active member of the community being generous, helping others. I'd see him cry tears for others or think of ways to help others but would hardly see that consideration applied to me or the relationship. It was hard to not feel like I was the problem. I've struggled with this, I struggled writing this post online, trying to be as neutral as possible as I didn't want to take sides and just wanted vauleable opinions and insight from others here or maybe there was something I was missing that would help me understand him better.

If I'm honest this person has really broken me down and I think the fact all my friends live in another city, I don't have much family, and I'm dealing with struggling through sickness in the family... I feel stuck. Change seems scary, the lack of support makes things feel harder to tackle alone. Again, I'm not playing the victim or asking for sympathy. I hold myself fully accountable for being in this situation as I'm the one holding myself here. 

To those who recommend the book " Why does he do that?" Funny enough I actually recently purchased this book, haven't picked it up yet but started this morning. I have heard it being helpful for many people.

Also to answer your question, I don't feel as though I was behaving like him that night. I came home, said hi, went to shower and went into bed to relax, not sleep, as he was working on something in his office. 

When he came into the bedroom he didn't say anything and neither did I. We laid in silence each doing our own thing and on my part there was nothing behind it. After 30 minutes or so I broke the silence by asking about dinner and seeing what he wanted to have.I didn't just storm in, say hi and go to bed and ignore him. I felt like in that moment, when I let my guard down, I'm judged for it. 

When I attempted to talk about why he was upset and apologized if my silence made him feel like I was giving him attitude, when I explained I just came back from an emotional, difficult evening... it should have ended there. To me it's as though what I said was completely ignored and the punishment ensued for annoying him. This is coming from someone who has often, with no explanation, come home pissed off, slamming the door and not wanting to talk. Not because of me but because of annoyances at work or other situations. And in those moments do I get upset or come down on him for having attitude? No, I calmly ask if he's alright. If he wants to talk about it. I try to be supportive. I try to extend understanding and empathy.

So for someone who has frequent mood swings, who expresses a lot of anger issues and has a hard time keeping his cool, even when we are outside... I've been patient. I have certainly never gotten upset at him or returned the silent treatment. So yes, I feel as though this isn't right. I will be persecuted for the smallest of things yet he never holds accountability for his actions.

I've become the emotional punching bag as he's flooded with too much disregulation and anger. I think the example of me not picking up his call, even though I reached out 10 minutes later is a clear example. He was already annoyed as all week work wasn't responsive and when I did that it was the tip of the iceberg. It didn't matter that 99% of the time I answer his calls or texts. It didn't matter that he knew I was tending to a sick parent and not out having fun.  He was annoyed and his annoyances elsewhere built up and he unleashed it on me. I got the silent treatment for a week because of that. I can't even make sense of these situations anymore.

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, winterblues23 said:

 I seem to be the only one trying to establish healthy communication. After 30 minutes or so I broke the silence by asking about dinner and seeing what he wanted to have.

When you say "silent treatment" and "won't speak to you for up to 2 weeks", how do you communicate about running the household or sleeping in the same bed? Do you mean total silence, he won't eat with you or sleep in the same room, etc.? Are you making him dinner, acting like a housekeeper and having sex with him? 

Or by "silent treatment" do you mean he won't have relationship talks about your feelings?  What exactly your idea of "healthy communication"? 

Your message was very laden with therapy-speak, difficult to get through, sort of condescending and sort of all over as far as telling him what you want, how he hurts you so much and ends in 'i love you"?  

You seem to realize he's abusive and won't change however you seem to reveal that you don't have much local support as far as friends and family. 

Do you work? Do you have a car? Have to contacted domestic violence agencies for information support advice and help? You seem dependent on him for survival, is that the case?  If you can afford half his rent, can you afford your own place with a roommate maybe? 

Perhaps stop and reflect why you want to fix and change him even though you seem well aware of abuse and know what you want is not unreasonable, but isn't available from him for years. 

You have the right to a happy relationship but unfortunately it's your responsibility to find that. 

Edited December 28, 2023 by Wiseman2

[winterblues23]

@Wiseman2

The silent treatment usually consists of him not talking to me. He'll go about his day, leave,come home without acknowledgement, eat dinner alone. Go to bed without saying goodnight. If I ask him something he'll respond in one word replies but besides that he will spend his time in another room doing his own thing. There's always a pattern where he'll eventually start talking a little more then once he returns to "normal" it'll be as though that whole period didn't exist.

Is that how you perceived my message to him? Out of curiosity then, how would you bring up that topic and phrase it.

Yes, I work a full time respectable job, have my own car and belongings, I equally contribute to our shared expenses. I'm not dependent on him for any of these things.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, winterblues23 said:

 He'll go about his day, leave,come home without acknowledgement, eat dinner alone. Go to bed without saying goodnight. If I ask him something he'll respond in one word replies  Yes, I work a full time respectable job, have my own car and belongings, I equally contribute to our shared expenses. I'm not dependent on him for any of these things

Please make arrangements to move out rather than continuing to try to find ways to convince him to get out of his snits stomping around in his own world.

  Please stop making him dinner, sleeping together  putting him on a pedestal or begging for answers.

Instead of devising ways to mentally try to change him with messages, please reach out to trusted friends and family for support and please start looking for other accomodations.

You're not a victim if you know exactly what's wrong, have the ways and means to leave but continue to choose this treatment. 

Edited December 28, 2023 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

48 minutes ago, winterblues23 said:

Yes, I work a full time respectable job, have my own car and belongings, I equally contribute to our shared expenses. I'm not dependent on him for any of these things.

Good, Then don't depend on him for emotional and loving support either.  The sooner you leave the faster you will get that support from someone else.

[winterblues23]

I don't know if this makes any sense but because I've never actually sat down to have a conversation with him about the way things have been and let him know this can't continue... because we didn't have that discussion and I haven't seen his response I feel like things will be unresolved if I don't say anything. I know after all these years if things have consistently been this way it probably won't change but there's still a part of me that wonders if we can have that conversation. If he shuts me down I know there's nothing more I can do. I just don't know how to talk to him about it.

There's also the part of me struggling through getting the confidence to leave. If a friend of mine told me all the things I've shared here, it would be an easy " You have been kind, supportive and loving towards this person and he is constantly disrespecting you. You need to leave this behind and focus on yourself and eventually find someone who values you and the relationship to work on it together".  But yet, here I am. It's frustrating and I know from an outside perspective it must be frustrating to read as well.

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, winterblues23 said:

I don't know if this makes any sense but because I've never actually sat down to have a conversation with him about the way things have been and let him know this can't continue... because we didn't have that discussion and I haven't seen his response I feel like things will be unresolved if I don't say anything. I know after all these years if things have consistently been this way it probably won't change but there's still a part of me that wonders if we can have that conversation. If he shuts me down I know there's nothing more I can do. I just don't know how to talk to him about it.

He already knows what he's doing is wrong....he just doesn't care.   There is nothing you can do to fix it

Please, pack your bags and leave.

[Alpacalia]

You're choosing to be together because of how positive your relationship makes you feel - when he's not moody or angry with you, or when he's in the mood to talk to you. What about when he's not? Is it worth it to spend the majority of your month walking on egg shells? Always feeling like you can't express certain emotions to him because it will only make things worse? And then not getting that understanding back.

When he's present and in a good mood he's a wonderful person. But the times he's not how he pretends you don't exist, the silence is deafening, and you feel yourself falling apart.

Seriously, start getting angry, get pissed.

You know what happens when someone leaves me a message that I know will only piss me off? I say "I don't want to hear it." And I don't. If I feel like they're full of crap and full of excuses I tell them I don't want to hear it and I don't want to talk to them for a while. I'm not afraid to be blunt and I'm not walking on eggshells. You have to get angry.

After all the love and care and vulnerability and understanding you've given him; consider the concept of "Why do I have to give that anymore when it seems like he hardly half of the time only headlines "disappointment".

He's taking advantage of your love and understanding, and you need to start tapping into your anger. I know it's easier said than done, but you need to start standing up for yourself and setting boundaries. Don't apologize, don't walk on eggshells..say NO when you don't want to do something, ask for change. You're not a doormat. It's gotten to the point where he shut you off and then blamed it on you.

Think about it, he sees how hurt and emotionally depleted you are and then blames it's because you "give attitude". Is this a fit for you? Because it's not always about if you love someone.

You need to start perhaps thinking about asking yourself if you believe it's still a fit. Because you can only give up so much of yourself.

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

@NuevoYorko  I haven't tried to change him or the relationship to suit my wants or needs. The only thing I've wanted is for there to be mutual respect, kindness and communication. 

But according to your previous descriptions, he does not offer any of that and never has.  So why pick a guy who doesn't ever do what you need / want?   It's no different from wanting to have a man provide for you materially, choosing a spouse who you KNOW has never earned a living even for himself, and then beating your head against a wall trying to make him learn how to earn a living and then doing so.  Not to mention completely alienating him in the process.

 

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

 

But yes, I seem to be the only one trying to establish healthy communication.Because I never set that boundary or got upset at him, he's just continued to be disrespectful because he can.

I do not think that you understand the meaning of "boundary."  Nobody is required to talk / communicate with you.  A person not doing  so is NOT disrespecting any boundaries.   They might be a huge jerk, a horrible abuser, or just somebody who is not into "relationship talks" and "let's talk about feelings" at all, ever, and thus incompatible with you (and probably a poor relationship prospect for most people)  

In any  case, once it's clear that this is the status quo,  the remedy is NEXT.   Not trying more relentlessly to change him.

You're not going to get a person who is non communicative to communicate unless it is something they WANT and ARE MOTIVATED to do.  He is not and I believe your constant unflagging efforts at it are driving him farther and farther into his emotional "man cave."   And this is not to blame you or excuse him.  But he is trying to evade that.    Again, co-dependency.  

If he were a drinking alcoholic and you spend 4 years nagging him, cajoling, hiding the booze, etc. to stop the drinking ... your behavior would be on YOU.  The drinking would be on him, but he evidently was OK with his own drinking.  He might stop someday if HE were motivated to do it.  

A person is not going to change because somebody else is on them to do so.

Same.

3 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

it's been almost 4 years,  years where every month I'm given the silent treatment or shown disrespect.

Because he doesn't care enough.  Yell at him if you want, ignore him,  give him tastes of his own medicine.  HE DOES NOT CARE.

The only thing you can do is to tell him you are leaving unless he does what you want, and you will have to spell it out very succinctly. 

When he doesn't deliver, you leave.  

3 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

It was hard to not feel like I was the problem.

You are your own problem, unfortunately:  You are staying with a man with whom you are not compatible and you are trying to force something that is not there.  Yes, that is YOUR problem, and you are the only one who is going to be able to resolve it ... by leaving.  

3 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

I hold myself fully accountable for being in this situation as I'm the one holding myself here. 

So LEAVE NOW.   Stop trying to change him.  You've given it your all for the entire 4 years of your relationship and evidently he has never once given you a scrap except for "moments of silliness."   

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

I don't know if this makes any sense but because I've never actually sat down to have a conversation with him about the way things have been and let him know this can't continue... because we didn't have that discussion 

Actually you have. Quite frequently. Including telling him "sorry you feel this way", etc.  "I understand..." and various other forms of condescending therapy-speak. Telling him how he feels, etc. 

What you have Not said, in an attempt to sound like a psychologist, is "if you're going to walk around in a snit with an attitude, I'll be moving out as of next month  because this isn't working out for me". 

This overtly kidglove treatment is insincere and not being true to yourself. He's being a stonewalling moody jerk and unfortunately you won't get a Nobel prize for being a martyr, defending yourself for nonsense accusations or over explaining things. 

Edited December 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

But yet, here I am. It's frustrating and I know from an outside perspective it must be frustrating to read as well.

It's very frustrating hearing someone complain and complain about their situation but won't do anything to change it.  Has it occurred to you that he may be treating you that way because he wants you to leave?

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, winterblues23 said:

I don't know if this makes any sense but because I've never actually sat down to have a conversation with him about the way things have been and let him know this can't continue... because we didn't have that discussion and I haven't seen his response

@winterblues23 - according to this thread, you have initiated this conversation over and and over.   And not only does he fail to "have that discussion," he is rude/ mean / stonewalling / angry with you when you do it.

He isn't interested.

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

It's very frustrating hearing someone complain and complain about their situation but won't do anything to change it.  Has it occurred to you that he may be treating you that way because he wants you to leave?

I don't wish to be hurtful to the OP but I personally would be at my wits end with this relentless "can we discuss why you feel this way,"    "is something wrong?" etc.

Being met with  "understanding and empathy" when I just need to be left alone for 30 minutes or so to get over my difficult day at work -  I (being somewhat of a moody jerk myself) would not do well with that at all.  

Sometimes what is needed from a partner is emotional space for a little while.

@winterblues23 - after I've posted on this thread a half dozen times that you should just leave, because obviously there is nothing there, now it occurs to me that maybe you might try backing off a good bit.  Please, not passive-aggressively.   I'm pretty sure that this is in play between the two of you as well.

 

[S2B]

On 12/26/2023 at 4:46 PM, winterblues23 said:

@Wiseman2 We've been living together for about 2 years now, we're both in our 30s.

Early on into the relationship( 3 months) I did notice a red flag in which while we were on a date, something had upset him and his facial expression immediately turned cold. He went silent and disengaged in communication and affection and I sat there asking what was wrong because I was genuinely confused as to what could have caused such a switch. It's been like this early on but has just gotten substantially worse.

I feel so powerless and I hate myself for allowing someone to treat me with such disrespect. There were times when I felt like I had enough and thought I'd speak up and I just lose that confidence to do so.

It’s only likely to get worse as time goes along.

and you aren’t getting any comfort from him when things are hard for you. That would really suck.

No conversation is going to change the way he’s learned to do things - he likely learned this obnoxious response when he was young!

I would definitely consider ending it and moving - it’s worse then being alone - since you have to constantly worry about HIS feelings when you are trying to handle your own feelings!

he’s basically not empathetic to how YOU feel!  It’s a VERY long and miserable life with someone like this in your household!  
someone who consistently gives the silent treatment is mean! I don’t care how good his other traits are - he’s mean!
 

you are better off being on your own!

Edited December 29, 2023 by S2B