Is My Mental Health a Valid Reason to Get Divorced?

[Sarah Rose]

Hear me out, there are a few other factors for this decision but my husband has made it very clear that my depression (sometimes extremely severe) has greatly impacted him. He has emotionally withdrawn from me at times (longest period was 2 months), refused couples counseling due to “not being ready” while things continued to get worse, and has claimed that I just gave up on the marriage in 2020 when things started to get much heavier for me. I’ve had highs and lows, and at my lowest, have contemplate suicide daily, could hardly get out of bed, and housework especially felt draining. I’m in a better spot than I have been in the past, but I feel like ultimately I can’t meet his needs in the way that he wants and expects. 
 

I now feel like I just don’t have the capacity for a committed relationship or marriage and I don’t feel like I can truly get the support I need from him either. If someone believes they are the main issue, is it valid for them to step away from the marriage for the well-being of both parties?

[Alpacalia]

28 minutes ago, Sarah Rose said:

If someone believes they are the main issue, is it valid for them to step away from the marriage for the well-being of both parties?

xxx

Edited December 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

Of course it's a valid reason.  Almost anything is a valid reason, if what the person truly wants is to not be in the marriage any longer.

If you initiate a divorce due to your own mental health issue, being depression, please get a therapist or some other kind of knowledgable support system in place before taking any action.   From your post I can understand why remaining in this marriage may not be the best choice for you but the process of dissolving it might be more emotionally taxing than you may be prepared for.   If you're in a better place now you need to do what is possible to maintain it.

Edited December 27, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Sarah Rose said:

 my husband has made it very clear that my depression (sometimes extremely severe) has greatly impacted him.  I’ve had highs and lows, and at my lowest, have contemplate suicide daily, could hardly get out of bed, and housework especially felt draining.  I feel like ultimately I can’t meet his needs in the way that he wants and expects. 

Sorry this is happening. You can divorce for any reason. How long have you been married?  How old is he? Do you both work? Do you have children? 

It seems like there are a couple of related problems. One is severe untreated or under treated mood disorders. Are you seeing a physician and therapist? 

The other is an unhappy marriage. Do you feel you would be better off without the demands of marriage? 

 

[Sarah Rose]

9 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Of course it's a valid reason.  Almost anything is a valid reason, if what the person truly wants is to not be in the marriage any longer.

If you initiate a divorce due to your own mental health issue, being depression, please get a therapist or some other kind of knowledgable support system in place before taking any action.   From your post I can understand why remaining in this marriage may not be the best choice for you but the process of dissolving it might be more emotionally taxing than you may be prepared for.   If you're in a better place now you need to do what is possible to maintain it.

I have been in therapy on and off for years and have been with my current therapist since February. I feel like even as I am now though, I won’t be able to meet him “at his level.”

[Sarah Rose]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You can divorce for any reason. How long have you been married?  How old is he? Do you both work? Do you have children? 

It seems like there are a couple of related problems. One is severe untreated or under treated mood disorders. Are you seeing a physician and therapist? 

The other is an unhappy marriage. Do you feel you would be better off without the demands of marriage? 

 

We have been married for 7 years and in a relationship for almost 10. I will be 30 this year and he is a year and a half older than me. We have no children. We both worked until 2020 I stopped working. I worked a little in 2021 and then stopped until he and I separated this year so I could provide for myself. The reason for not working was mostly mentally related. 
 

I have been in therapy for years and have been seeing my current therapist since February and I am also on medication. I feel like I’ve had a lot of highs and lows and I know they’ve affected him greatly. I don’t think I ever was truly equipped to handle another person’s feelings on top of my own I admit, regretfully. We were both young when we married. I just barely turned 22 and looking back on it I don’t think I was ready for marriage at all and over-fantasized as many do.

”Better off without the demands of a marriage” honestly, yeah I think I do and it’s hard not to feel guilty for that.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Sarah Rose said:

 I stopped working. I worked a little in 2021 and then stopped until he and I separated this year so I could provide for myself. ”Better off without the demands of a marriage” honestly, yeah I think I do and it’s hard not to feel guilty for that.

Are you legally separated?  Please let an attorney inform guide and advise you for the next steps to dissolve your marriage in a manner where you can support yourself and have the resources (medical insurance,etc.,) to take care of yourself. Are you happier since you have separated? 

[Sarah Rose]

58 minutes ago, Sarah Rose said:

Hear me out, there are a few other factors for this decision but my husband has made it very clear that my depression (sometimes extremely severe) has greatly impacted him. He has emotionally withdrawn from me at times (longest period was 2 months), refused couples counseling due to “not being ready” while things continued to get worse, and has claimed that I just gave up on the marriage in 2020 when things started to get much heavier for me. I’ve had highs and lows, and at my lowest, have contemplate suicide daily, could hardly get out of bed, and housework especially felt draining. I’m in a better spot than I have been in the past, but I feel like ultimately I can’t meet his needs in the way that he wants and expects. 
 

I now feel like I just don’t have the capacity for a committed relationship or marriage and I don’t feel like I can truly get the support I need from him either. If someone believes they are the main issue, is it valid for them to step away from the marriage for the well-being of both parties?

For those wondering, yes I am in therapy and have been in therapy on and off for years. I’ve been with my current therapist since February.

[Sarah Rose]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you legally separated?  Please let an attorney inform guide and advise you for the next steps to dissolve your marriage in a manner where you can support yourself and have the resources (medical insurance,etc.,) to take care of yourself. Are you happier since you have separated? 

That’s a complicated question to answer. I’m not happy with the state of my finances. Not having a lot of work experience and being mainly dependent on someone else’s income for years has made that tough. Do I miss being comfortable, yes and when I go over to his place I get this feeling like “damn, this used to be my home.” Am I happier not being in the relationship? I miss having someone to talk to openly about things whenever but I don’t miss the pressure and feeling inadequate as a wife all the time.

[Alpacalia]

Well, what's the alternative. If you are actively harming your husband and he has expressed that he doesn't feel like he can support you, then stepping away from the marriage may be the best option for both of you. It sounds like he is not feeling fulfilled or happy in the marriage and you are not getting the support you need from him. Are you both willing to keep going deeper and deeper into a rabbit hole of pain and struggle, or is it time to make the difficult decision to separate? Were you depressed before the marriage or did the difficulties in the relationship exacerbate your depression?

[NuevoYorko]

27 minutes ago, Sarah Rose said:

I have been in therapy on and off for years and have been with my current therapist since February. I feel like even as I am now though, I won’t be able to meet him “at his level.”

I don't think you need to be worrying about that.   I hope you're not thinking of divorcing to do him some kind of a favor.   If you're thinking seriously about initiating a divorce, this decision has to be made because it is the right decision for YOU.  

I brought up having a therapist specifically so that you would have the support you need going through a divorce.  Divorce is extremely stressful even for people who have chosen to do it, especially if one is struggling with depression already.

Edited December 27, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[MsJayne]

It's definitely a valid reason if the decision is made 'happily', (for want of a better expression), but if you're doing this because you feel you're a burden to your husband I'm very concerned for your well-being.  Do you feel that the marriage itself is a cause of your depression and you're hoping it will lift if you have some respite from the marriage? Sometimes when someone's feeling inadequate in a partnership there's some underlying problems in the relationship dynamic that are much more serious than may appear on the surface. May I ask at what point you began experiencing depression, is it something you've always lived with or has it developed during the marriage? 

[Sarah Rose]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

I don't think you need to be worrying about that.   I hope you're not thinking of divorcing to do him some kind of a favor.   If you're thinking seriously about initiating a divorce, this decision has to be made because it is the right decision for YOU.  

I brought up having a therapist specifically so that you would have the support you need going through a divorce.  Divorce is extremely stressful even for people who have chosen to do it, especially if one is struggling with depression already.

No it’s for my sake mostly. I just don’t think I can give what’s needed without sacrificing my own well-being and growth that I need.

And I am in therapy and have been for quite some time now. Definitely grateful that I have a great therapist.

Edited December 27, 2023 by Sarah Rose

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Sarah Rose said:

No it’s for my sake mostly. I just don’t think I can give what’s needed without sacrificing my own well-being and growth that I need.

I read your story and was not convinced that you're the only person who's actions are creating problems.  Thing is, if he was a good and supportive partner, you'd be able to make progress with him right there beside you.   After all, we're looking at a guy who's refused marriage counselling...

[Sarah Rose]

17 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

It's definitely a valid reason if the decision is made 'happily', (for want of a better expression), but if you're doing this because you feel you're a burden to your husband I'm very concerned for your well-being.  Do you feel that the marriage itself is a cause of your depression and you're hoping it will lift if you have some respite from the marriage? Sometimes when someone's feeling inadequate in a partnership there's some underlying problems in the relationship dynamic that are much more serious than may appear on the surface. May I ask at what point you began experiencing depression, is it something you've always lived with or has it developed during the marriage? 

It’s not necessarily for my husband but I feel like his dissatisfaction affects me and I feel like I just can’t heal at the pace he wants. I have taken many steps to better myself but he’s also held grudges and when there’s certain things I ask of him (one time I asked why I’m always the one to initiate a kiss) his response is he isn’t ready. That’s his way of saying he hasn’t fully moved past certain ways I’ve hurt him in the past. My therapist seems to think my husband is under the belief that depression is a choice. I’m truly tired of feeling like I always have to earn his love back and I don’t feel like my best (which looks different at times) is enough. I feel like leaving the marriage would ultimately allow me to work on myself and heal for ME.

I had some mental health struggles before the marriage. Mostly anxiety. The depression absolutely did worsen with time after the marriage.

[IrinaM]

I'm trying to figure out from your posts if your husband is a contributing cause of your depression, rather than some sort of victim.

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Sarah Rose said:

 

 

4 hours ago, Sarah Rose said:

 I’m not happy with the state of my finances. . Am I happier not being in the relationship? I don’t miss the pressure and feeling inadequate as a wife all the time.

This is why filing for divorce is essential right now. Once you consult an attorney for advice, information and support regarding your situation and the division of martial assets and finances, you'll have a better idea of how to move forward. 

Unfortunately right now you're in limbo. Relieved to be out of an untenable marriage, but not free.

Please work with your psychiatrist, therapist and attorney for support and how to manage and take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. 

Who suggested you leave the marital home? It's usually a bad idea. Where are you staying? Do you have supportive family and friends nearby? 

Edited December 27, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Sarah Rose]

45 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

This is why filing for divorce is essential right now. Once you consult an attorney for advice, information and support regarding your situation and the division of martial assets and finances, you'll have a better idea of how to move forward. 

Unfortunately right now you're in limbo. Relieved to be out of an untenable marriage, but not free.

Please work with your psychiatrist, therapist and attorney for support and how to manage and take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. 

Who suggested you leave the marital home? It's usually a bad idea. Where are you staying? Do you have supportive family and friends nearby? 

Yes I mean to speak with an attorney asap. 
 

I chose to leave on my own. I separated for a couple weeks as sort of a trial. Realized I felt a lot better mentally and the idea of going back just seemed draining and I truly didn’t think I’d be happy. Plus there’s a lot of ways he sort of pushed me out. Even before I left he started controlling the finances and when I came back after the two weeks to retrieve some belongings he wanted me to sign a document stating that I wouldn’t go after his money and would only be taking belongs that were specifically mine or given to me. I almost did sign it but fortunately I listened to the advice of family and my therapist and chose against that and did not sign it. He also wanted me to turn in my key that day as well. I must state that this was not a clear decision to divorce but only a separation to reflect on the marriage and decide if that’s what it would come down to eventually. It was clear between us both that steps towards divorce were not being made yet.

[Sarah Rose]

1 hour ago, IrinaM said:

I'm trying to figure out from your posts if your husband is a contributing cause of your depression, rather than some sort of victim.

 

I will say choosing not to work did more harm than good and did not help me mentally. I really should’ve been working and keeping busy. We also moved to another state on top of that. 
 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Sarah Rose said:

he wanted me to sign a document stating that I wouldn’t go after his money and would only be taking belongs that were specifically mine or given to me. . He also wanted me to turn in my key that day as well.

Please tell your attorney this. It's illegal and can be used against him. 

[Alpacalia]

Sarah it seems like you're struggling with feelings of guilt and inadequacy, and these feelings are being exacerbated by your husband's dissatisfaction and withdrawal in the marriage.

Your husband's actions and behavior towards you are not okay. It's not fair for him to hold grudges and make you constantly feel like you have to earn his love and affection. And his belief that depression is a choice is not only incorrect, but it also shows a lack of understanding and empathy towards your struggles.

I suffered from depression years ago in my early twenties, and my boyfriend at the time was super supportive. In fact, he was over the top supportive and I eventually broke it off with him because I felt like I just needed to be on my own for awhile and truthfully, he was needlessly dependent on me and it felt suffocating.

There was guilt with that decision too.

It's also worth thinking about whether you were truly ready for marriage at such a young age. It's understandable that you feel like you weren't equipped to handle another person's feelings on top of your own, especially with your own struggle with depression. Instead of being a support for you, it seems like he's adding to the weight that you're already carrying.

That being said, it's important to take responsibility for your own well-being. It's great that you're in therapy and on medication, but it's also important to take action in your own life and work on yourself. Focus on finding a job or other activities that bring you joy and purpose. I know it's difficult when you're struggling with depression, but finding a sense of independence and accomplishment will ultimately benefit your mental health.

Edited December 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[d0nnivain]

For whatever reason the pressure you are putting on yourself through marriage is making things worse.  If you genuinely feel better apart, that may be your answer. 

Depression is tough.  All you want to do is hide but the reality is that keeping active is the best antidote.  Another good cure for depression and anxiety is helping others.  Even when you think you don't have it in you, find the strength to do for others.  You will feel better about yourself even if it's just dropping $10 worth of food off at the local food bank or putting some old clothes in a donation bin.  

[Sarah Rose]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please tell your attorney this. It's illegal and can be used against him. 

Which part are you referring to? The document he wanted me to sign, the key or both?

[Sarah Rose]

14 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Sarah it seems like you're struggling with feelings of guilt and inadequacy, and these feelings are being exacerbated by your husband's dissatisfaction and withdrawal in the marriage.

Your husband's actions and behavior towards you are not okay. It's not fair for him to hold grudges and make you constantly feel like you have to earn his love and affection. And his belief that depression is a choice is not only incorrect, but it also shows a lack of understanding and empathy towards your struggles.

I suffered from depression years ago in my early twenties, and my boyfriend at the time was super supportive. In fact, he was over the top supportive and I eventually broke it off with him because I felt like I just needed to be on my own for awhile and truthfully, he was needlessly dependent on me and it felt suffocating.

There was guilt with that decision too.

It's also worth thinking about whether you were truly ready for marriage at such a young age. It's understandable that you feel like you weren't equipped to handle another person's feelings on top of your own, especially with your own struggle with depression. Instead of being a support for you, it seems like he's adding to the weight that you're already carrying.

That being said, it's important to take responsibility for your own well-being. It's great that you're in therapy and on medication, but it's also important to take action in your own life and work on yourself. Focus on finding a job or other activities that bring you joy and purpose. I know it's difficult when you're struggling with depression, but finding a sense of independence and accomplishment will ultimately benefit your mental health.

I appreciate the compassion and understanding in this comment. No I was not ready for marriage when I married. Though I was unaware of it I wasn’t mentally in a good place and I had just turned 22 which I’ll admit is a bit young for this time we live in. I wanted a longer engagement but was convinced by my husband that the timing of it all was “God’s will.”

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Sarah Rose said:

Which part are you referring to? The document he wanted me to sign, the key or both?

Please contact an attorney in your jurisdiction ASAP.  Generally you should document anything that is happening including trying to lock you out of the marital home or trying to coerce you to sign paperwork. Please also contact a domestic violence agency for information support and advice.