How much space to give him before asking for second chance?

[jesskate95]

3 weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years. We had a fantastic relationship, he was my best friend as well as my lover. One night we had a bit too much to drink and I said how sad I was  that we were not married with kids yet. The next day my boyfriend gave me a lift home from work and broke down in tears. He told me how much he loved me, kissed me and hugged me.. and then broke up with me. He said that he'd been keeping it secret about how much he was struggling with stress and MH due to work load and felt he couldn't commit to giving me children right now and how it is unfair for me to wait if I felt this sad about it. I feel absolutely awful that I drunkenly said that, if I didn't then we wouldn't have broken up.

He left and a few hours later he texted that he was so sorry and I could text him about anything. Over the last 3 weeks he's texted me 5 or 6 times (including my birthday and christmas), he's told me he is hurting and he misses me and keeps asking how I am. He also said he was willing to see how we both feel after a month of space. I have not initiated any of these conversations as I want to give him space. 

I honestly feel so stupid for saying what I did, I don't even feel ready for children (and won't be for years) and only want to get married in 3 or 4 years time. Did he misunderstand and think I meant now? I think I just wanted reassurance that it will happen.. one day. 

Do you think If I waited another few weeks (so 6-8 weeks after breakup), I could send a message asking for another chance or to meet and discuss things? This has been our first proper fight in 7 years. Is that enough time? I feel like I have nothing to lose. 

I'm sorry that this is so ramble-y, I have so many thoughts going through my head and just needed to type them out. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, jesskate95 said:

3 weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years. I said how sad I was  that we were not married with kids yet. The next day...he couldn't commit to giving me children right now and how it is unfair for me to wait if I felt this sad about it. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? Please trust your instincts. You said the right thing at the right time. Your BF is just coasting along wasting your time and doesn't want a commitment and doesn't want what you want.

You were absolutely correct to bring this up after 7 years together. Unfortunately the truth finally came out that he's just complacent and sees no future with you.

It seems like you dodged a bullet. Please don't chase men who are only with you out of convenience and feel "meh" and ready to toss you like trash when you bring up a reasonable topic after 7 years. 

Edited December 30, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

43 minutes ago, jesskate95 said:

he couldn't commit to giving me children right now

This didn't happen because you were drunk.  He's been mulling it over for quite some time and that night was the just catalyst which made him be honest with you.  He's been wanting to say it for quite some time.

Anyway, there can be two ways of interpreting his statement:   That he feels he can't commit to wanting children at all or that he does want children but not yet.   Rather than asking for a second chance, you need to have a discussion about what exactly the two of you want and whether or not your goals are compatible. 

If you do want children and he doesn't know if he ever does, you've got a difficult decision to make:  Would you be happy with him if you never have children?  Or, how would it feel if you find yourself in your 30's, wasting your fertile years, while he still doesn't know what he wants. 

[jesskate95]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

This didn't happen because you were drunk.  He's been mulling it over for quite some time and that night was the just catalyst which made him be honest with you.  He's been wanting to say it for quite some time.

Anyway, there can be two ways of interpreting his statement:   That he feels he can't commit to wanting children at all or that he does want children but not yet.   Rather than asking for a second chance, you need to have a discussion about what exactly the two of you want and whether or not your goals are compatible. 

If you do want children and he doesn't know if he ever does, you've got a difficult decision to make:  Would you be happy with him if you never have children?  Or, how would it feel if you find yourself in your 30's, wasting your fertile years, while he still doesn't know what he wants. 

Do you think 6-8 weeks is enough space to give him before asking to meet? I don't want to wait too long but at the same time, I want to give him (and me) the chance to properly think things through 

[d0nnivain]

How old are you?  If you have been dating 7 years but started at 13, sure you can reach out & walk back the question / statement.   But if you started dating in your 20s & are now in your 30s, you really need to assume it will never happen & walk away for good.  

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, jesskate95 said:

Do you think 6-8 weeks is enough space to give him before asking to meet? I don't want to wait too long but at the same time, I want to give him (and me) the chance to properly think things through 

Go for it.   You might as well get it over with.   I agree with the others here who've said that he wanted to end it and you just helped him take the final step by pushing on the marriage / babies topic.   I expect that he'll hold steady.

Honestly you should be grateful if he does.  If you really do want to have a family, putting any further time into this relationship wishing and hoping for that with him is a bad gamble.  Seven years is long enough.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, jesskate95 said:

Do you think 6-8 weeks is enough space to give him .I want to give him (and me) the chance to properly think things through 

Why not wait until he reaches out? 

[jesskate95]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not wait until he reaches out? 

That's why i haven't messaged him yet. If I wait another 2-4 weeks (so 6-8 weeks after BU) then maybe i'll second guess sending a message. it also gives him time to miss me. 

[jesskate95]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Go for it.   You might as well get it over with.   I agree with the others here who've said that he wanted to end it and you just helped him take the final step by pushing on the marriage / babies topic.   I expect that he'll hold steady.

Honestly you should be grateful if he does.  If you really do want to have a family, putting any further time into this relationship wishing and hoping for that with him is a bad gamble.  Seven years is long enough.

I don't know if it sounds stupid, but I can't move on until I ask him/ talk to him. If I get confirmation then I can try move on, until then I feel like i'm limbo.

[d0nnivain]

It doesn't give him time to miss you so much as it proves to him that he can get along without you.  

Again, age factors into this. 

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, jesskate95 said:

. He also said he was willing to see how we both feel after a month of space. 

Why not wait until he reaches out? It seems he has been wanting to end things for a while and this was his exit. However you were right to confront him about coasting along.

He seems worried about you. However you seem to be using "no contact" as a tool to get your ex back?  After 7 years. It seems he doesn't want what you want. 

[stillafool]

27 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It doesn't give him time to miss you so much as it proves to him that he can get along without you.  

Again, age factors into this. 

It also gives him time to meet and become interested in another girl.  How old are you both?

Edited December 30, 2023 by stillafool

[jesskate95]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It also gives him time to meet and become interested in another girl.  How old are you both?

im 28 and he's 31

[jesskate95]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

How old are you?  If you have been dating 7 years but started at 13, sure you can reach out & walk back the question / statement.   But if you started dating in your 20s & are now in your 30s, you really need to assume it will never happen & walk away for good.  

im 28 and he's 31. I'm so confused as to whether to message him, wait for him to message me (which he has messaged several times since the break up) or just try and move on and find someone else. I'm not sure I could even move on right now without feeling guilty, or still have feelings for him and that's not fair on anyone new I see. That's why I wanted to message and ask for a 2nd chance because if the answer if a definite no then maybe I can move on more. 

Honestly im just confused in general, so this may not even make sense. 

Edited December 30, 2023 by jesskate95

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, jesskate95 said:

im 28 and he's 31. I'm so confused as to whether to message him, wait for him to message me.

Were you living together? Sorry this is happening but if you would like commitment and a family, he is not the right person.

You don't have to jump in another relationship, but  please reflect how many more days, weeks, months or years of your youth and life you're willing to sacrifice for someone who doesn't want what you want and tosses you aside when you address reasonable topics. 

[basil67]

29 minutes ago, jesskate95 said:

im 28 and he's 31. I'm so confused as to whether to message him, wait for him to message me (which he has messaged several times since the break up) or just try and move on and find someone else. I'm not sure I could even move on right now without feeling guilty, or still have feelings for him and that's not fair on anyone new I see. That's why I wanted to message and ask for a 2nd chance because if the answer if a definite no then maybe I can move on more. 

Honestly im just confused in general, so this may not even make sense. 

What is there to feel guilty about?

I do agree that you shouldn't rush into meeting anyone else until your heart has healed.  It will take time and this is perfectly normal

[d0nnivain]

You two are adults.  Honestly if he was going to marry you, he would have proposed by now.  In the face of a serious & long over due conversation that his response was to break up tells me he will never be ready to marry & have kids with you. 

I wasted 10 years of my like with a guy like yours who while a good guy never "believed" in marriage.  Eventually I had to deal with the writing on the wall & end things.  I waited too long.  By the time I got my act together & met my husband it was too late to have kids. 

If a family is your goal you would well served to accept this break up.  Grieve the loss.  Take some time.  Figure out who you are as an adult.  To date you have always been his GF, not an individual.  In time you will move forward.  

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, jesskate95 said:

im 28 and he's 31

At the age of 28 you had every right to bring up marriage and babies, especially since you've been with him 7 years.  If he's 31, when is he looking to settle down and start a family?  Since he's a man he has a lot longer to wait to find a young woman to marry and have kids.  It's telling that he isn't even assuring you that this will happen in the future,

Edited December 31, 2023 by stillafool

[Alpacalia]

I guess I fail to understand why you would want to ask for a second chance?

It seems that your boyfriend has made it clear that he is not ready to get married and have children. Even if you meant it 3-4 years from now, it was an issue for him and probably means that even in the future he might not be ready for it.

If after some time apart, you both decide to have a conversation about it and he is willing to reconsider his stance, then that is a different story. But until then, I wouldn't be asking for a second chance based on one drunken conversation.

He needs to be the one to initiate that conversation and show that he is ready for a commitment. That needs to come from him on his own.

If a reconciliation is meant to happen, it will happen in due time, but don't force it.

The last thing you want is a relationship with a man who is not fully committed and ended up fathering your children because of pressure from outside.

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I guess I fail to understand why you would want to ask for a second chance?

My sense is that the OP will only believe that this was not simply a drunken mistake until she asks for a second chance and he turns her down.

If he refuses, maybe she will be able to start to move on.

My fear, though, is that he might just say "okay."  Why not.  It seems like they got along fine and if he's feeling lonely this could be an easy solution.   

He is 99.9% NEVER going to commit to marriage or children,  even if he decides to reunite for now.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 12/30/2023 at 1:01 AM, jesskate95 said:

if I didn't then we wouldn't have broken up.

You would have broken up eventually, OP. He only chose that moment to finally be honest with you. 

As the others have rightly pointed out, it wasn't as though everything would have been chugging along just fine if you hadn't said anything. He'd still have been sitting there silently, with the same doubts mounting - and it would have come out eventually. 

You are also right to wonder where this is actually going after 7 years. You might have been intoxicated when you questioned him on it, but those concerns didn't suddenly materialize just because you had a few drinks. You finally got the courage to bring it up (even if it wasn't great timing) You say you don't want marriage and kids right now, which is fair, but in your heart of hearts, are you really okay waiting another 3 or 4 years for a greater commitment from him? I think you're not, which is why this all came out. 

This was a conversation that needed to happen between you two. The circumstances weren't ideal, but it forced you to both really look at the future prospects here. I don't think a month apart is going to change this, but you might be able to have a more clear-headed talk with him and decide what you want to do. 

[jesskate95]

I never messaged in the end. 3 months post break up and 2 months NC.

 

Thanks for your messages

Edited March 8 by jesskate95

[happyhorizons]

On 3/8/2024 at 2:55 PM, jesskate95 said:

I never messaged in the end. 3 months post break up and 2 months NC.

 

Thanks for your messages

I think that you made the right decision and hopefully there are nothing but blue skies ahead for you.