Am I crazy or am I being gaslighted

[Idgaf90]

So me and my wife have recently separated due to my insecurities and trust issues which has lead to me treating her like s***. I really don’t know if I am crazy or not and I need some advice.

So it all used to be messages I would see, what I would consider flirty text messages or unnecessary messages to so called male friends who although I am straight as an arrow never seemed to be unattractive.

She would get a phone call and leave the room and say it was just her weed dealer telling her he has new stuff, wouldn’t leave her phone with me so I could use it as an alarm when I slept on sofa because I would be a weirdo and go through her phone. When we went on holiday once she was so drunk (it was during the day time don’t know if that makes any difference) I left her in hotel sleeping, when I came back she was in her underwear (only her bottom half) she told me she was so drunk she was wondering around in her underwear and a couple sent her back to the room, I later on found her jogging bottoms outside another hotel room door, literally right outside. I knocked but no answer I just took them and went back. Confronted her she is adamant she doesn’t know why they were there. We had a break recently although I still consider us together, anyway we were sorting things out and getting back together and having a drink and she was talking about how she is insecure about the way she looks and her body and went on to say “like even when I f…” then stopped mid sentence swallowed then completely changed what she was saying. Again when I bring it up she denied it and says if she did do that doesn’t know why and swears on kids life she’s hasn’t been with anyone else. There is more stuff but I am getting tired now. Based on what I have said am I crazy and insecure for no reason or am I being gaslighted?

[d0nnivain]

I don't think you are crazy.  I do think she has a substance abuse problem.  

[Idgaf90]

Thank you for your reply. We both drank a lot together it's not that there was a problem with that so much. Appreciate your honesty, I'm torn between thinking I'm paranoid or she's wrong 

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Idgaf90 said:

So me and my wife have recently separated due to my insecurities and trust issues which has lead to me treating her like s***.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married?  How old is she? Do you have children?

Are you living separately?  Have you consulted an attorney for information support and advice?

Why were you sleeping on the sofa and policing her messages?  Did she flee the marital home or did you move out? What exactly do you mean by "treating her like s***"? Was there abuse or fighting?

It seems she has substance abuse issues.  If you both smoke weed and drink a lot, perhaps that's contributing to the paranoia and conflicts and bizarre behavior. Perhaps she needs inpatient detox and rehabilitation? 

Edited December 30, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Idgaf90]

I moved out nearly two years ago because we just seemed to alway fight verbally. When I actually got my own place after her kicking me out she was upset because she thought I would only stay with family until she said I could come home. Not Al the scenarios happened when we had been drinking some things happened sober like her answering the door to a male friend and first thing she said was that I am here. I was sleeping on sofa because we were decorating my sons room and he had to sleep in bed. Am I being paranoid

[basil67]

No matter who is at fault, the marriage sounds unsalvageable.  As you've been gone for two years (or recently moved out...depending on which post I read) you may as well file for divorce.  

You both sound like you have substance abuse issues.  Are the kids safe?

[Acacia98]

It sounds like she's cheating on you but you don't have concrete evidence of it. But here's the thing: If your relationship is not working out and you want out, you don't need concrete evidence of cheating in order to leave. You already have enough reason to end the relationship if that's what you want: it's a turbulent relationship, she has iffy boundaries where her male friends are concerned, you don't trust her, and clearly, neither of you is happy.

[Idgaf90]

Not sure where the substance abuse is coming from? These are just two examples where to me it was very bad scenarios to me that happened to involve alcohol. I am a sensitive drinker and have not been so drunk I don't remember anything since I was in university. I am sorry if that's how I portrayed it to be. Ignoring the alcohol involved as neither time were the kids in our care or me being legless I am just looking for an opinion on what I have said regarding messages and what has happened

[Idgaf90]

5 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

It sounds like she's cheating on you but you don't have concrete evidence of it. But here's the thing: If your relationship is not working out and you want out, you don't need concrete evidence of cheating in order to leave. You already have enough reason to end the relationship if that's what you want: it's a turbulent relationship, she has iffy boundaries where her male friends are concerned, you don't trust her, and clearly, neither of you is happy.

She had always says she loves me and my jealousy is the problem, that is the cause of all the turbulence in our relationship I just want to know if I am being an idiot to apologise and say I am insecure or if you think I should stick to my guns and walk away

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, Idgaf90 said:

She had always says she loves me and my jealousy is the problem, that is the cause of all the turbulence in our relationship I just want to know if I am being an idiot to apologise and say I am insecure or if you think I should stick to my guns and walk away

Stick to your guns and walk away. Don't allow yourself to get trapped in the blame-shifting game. 

Btw, it is indeed possible that you're insecure, jealous, etc. But that doesn't change the fact that she is engaging in inappropriate behavior and your relationship is not working. You don't have to be perfect or blameless to recognize the weak boundaries or to end the relationship.

Edited December 31, 2023 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Idgaf90 said:

I moved out nearly two years ago because we just seemed to alway fight verbally. I actually got my own place after her kicking me out 

Are you still living apart? It seems like the best thing. Please focus on coparenting at this point and finalizing your divorce. 

[giotto]

Why would she say at the door that you are in? Lol... 

[ShyViolet]

It definitely sounds like she's been lying to you about a lot of things.  Her behavior is crazy.  Her pants being outside of another hotel room door and all she can tell you is that she has no idea why?  A male friend came to your door and the first thing she said to him is that you are there?  There are countless red flags here.  It's unlikely that she's going to change.  It really sounds like this marriage is beyond repair.

[NuevoYorko]

17 hours ago, Idgaf90 said:

Not sure where the substance abuse is coming from? These are just two examples where to me it was very bad scenarios to me that happened to involve alcohol. 

The incident with the pants being outside of the hotel room door and wife in her underpants is something that people who are blackout drunk could experience.   

Bottom line is that your relationship sounds completely broken, and nobody is in a healthy place to "work" on anything.  

Take care of your child, this environment has surely been taking a big toll on him.  

[MsJayne]

23 hours ago, Idgaf90 said:

like her answering the door to a male friend and first thing she said was that I am here.

I don't know about the other parts, but this one is definitely a problem. As you obviously already know, people do this as a warning. It does sound like there's gas-lighting going on, but also like there's some control issues, eg; I'm wondering why you needed her 'phone as an alarm clock, do you not have your own 'phone? Aside from that, sounds like way too many "male friends" so it's not surprising that you have jealousy going on. I'm not sure whether I read your living situation correctly, but if you're already living apart I'd keep it that way given that it sounds like she behaves in a way that would make anyone insecure, and then she punishes you for being insecure. Any woman who's in a relationship, especially a marriage, but insists on maintaining meaningless friendships with other men is not to be trusted, she's a sponge for male attention, and any women I've ever known who flirt constantly have all been promiscuous and shallow AF. All up she sounds like a piece of work, and my main concern would be for your son's well-being if he's being exposed to weed smoking and all the pot-head behaviours that usually go with it. Your gut is telling you to get out of this toxic situation, maybe go see a family law specialist and find out your rights, etc, and then give it to her with both barrels. 

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, Idgaf90 said:

 if you think I should stick to my guns and walk away

You've already walked away. You got your own place 2 years because of chronic discord and fighting. Her behavior is bizarre and probably related to weed and alcohol overuse.

All you need to do is finalize your divorce and figure out coparenting. It doesn't seem like she wants to reconcile whatsoever so why bother apologizing? 

Edited December 31, 2023 by Wiseman2