Sad and not sure what to do

[Deliasun]

My husband and I have been struggling the last few years. Struggling meaning I have not been happy with lack of affection and time or interest he shows in me. It came to a head as I tried one last time to communicate my heart. Only to have him shut down and decide he's not talking about this again. He left me know he thinks I just want all attention on me and if he isn’t giving me all his attention Im not happy. 
 

That is how he feels so I cant say he is wrong. Its his feelings. I feel like his work is his everything. It seems to be more important than working on our marriage. We rarely have sex! He is hot and cold with me. Some days hes all over me and others he could barely give me a peck. It makes me so confused. When hes loving I adore him. But when hes cold I wonder what’s wrong with me…I have no srlf esteem or confidence in this marriage anymore. I find myself blaming myself. For ex .. am I uglier or heavier or aging bad or basically Picking myself apart to figure out what about me is making him hot cold. I have even thought because he works on his laptop from home so often maybe hes having an affair. Even an emotional affair… I just don’t know what changed but he tells me nothing has and im crazy. He just blames me as needy and turns every discussion about strengthening our marriage into I’m the problem.

 

I asked him today to please just tell me  whats up that I need to know and its not fair to string me along and he stopped talking to me again. I told him Im done! I cant keep chasing him trying to make him touch me or love me with no assistance. He said F U! So thats that I suppose. I feel like I cant fight for this marriage alone. That isn't how it supposed to work. I just want consistency. I really think hes not in love anymore and just doesn’t want to say it because he doesn’t want to divorce (it be his second) and because of financial reasons. He makes a ton more than I do so he may be afraid I’d take his money.
 

I obviously love him but also know I need to be loved back.. why is this do hard. We are married 18  1/2 years and Im 45 and he is 43! 

[d0nnivain]

You need to work on your self esteem.  That is within your control.  His thoughts & actions are not in your control. 

If there is a way you can be specific that might help.   For instance in stead of saying you want more attention spell out what that means.  Set up date nights.  Specify that you would like to receive flowers or kisses or whatever it is that you view as attention.  

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Deliasun said:

 I told him Im done! I cant keep chasing him trying to make him touch me or love me with no assistance. He said F U! So thats that I suppose. We are married 18  1/2 years and Im 45 and he is 43! 

Sorry this is happening. How long has the marriage been problematic? Do you have children together?  Your marriage seems toxic and unstable. 

Are there other issues besides the lack of affection? Divorce is Not a joint decision. What did you mean by "I told him Im done!"? Were you threatening divorce? 

Please contact an attorney privately and confidentiality (do not tell him or threaten divorce) for support information and advice about your situation. 

Edited December 30, 2023 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

How old are you both?

[Wiseman2]

Just now, stillafool said:

How old are you both?

 

44 minutes ago, Deliasun said:

. We are married 18  1/2 years and Im 45 and he is 43! 

 

[Deliasun]

 

I have tried communicating with him and asking his feelings and if his feelings have changed and he just shuts down. It’s like communicating with a wall. He just seem to what to do anything not even counseling. Thats why I feel like its either another person or he is out of love with me. I deserve to know either way. 
 

He doesn’t seem to mind no sex Or intimacy or making time for us to do things. He seems like his only interest is work. We have been having this issue for two years. Communication has been an issue for awhile. He's always so defensive and Im always emotional. He can never say sorry or resolve conflict with me it always ends up being me! Im exhausted. 
 

I absolutely did threaten divorce. I know I should not of but I wasn’t thinking and at this point it may be best because he clearly isn’t interested in my feelings or me at all. I feel like he already checked out. The same conversation for two years and nothing has changed. Work is #1

Our only daughter is grown and married herself. Hopefully I answered everything! Im new at this and struggling just typing my feelings!

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Deliasun said:

I absolutely did threaten divorce.

What was his response to this?

[Deliasun]

21 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What was his response to this?

He said F*** You! I might add he never apologizes and I’m sure this just means war. He is very stubborn and If I had to guess by his actions and lack of care for me lately he probably could careless. Everytime we have had any arguments or disagreements I always apologize first and he knows it. I hate conflict and uncomfortability in the home so he probably thinks I will come crawling back begging for forgiveness. I’m mad at myself for saying the D word because thats awful but also I know that is where it’s headed. I can not have these arguments with someone who refuses to talk address our issues and blame. Its not healthy it’s heartbreaking though 

Edited December 31, 2023 by Deliasun

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Deliasun said:

I absolutely did threaten divorce. 

What's the point of that? It's not going to change him or improve affection.

If you are experiencing marital discord and dissatisfaction to the point that you can't communicate, intimacy is absent and your conversations are "F U" and "I'm done", please consider cutting your losses and consulting an attorney asap.

When someone threatens divorce it's a nuclear maneuver, but extremely foolish because now your husband can consult an attorney, get his ducks in a row and make sure he benefits most from the divorce. 

Edited December 31, 2023 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

43 minutes ago, Deliasun said:

He said F*** You! I might add he never apologizes and I’m sure this just means war. He is very stubborn and If I had to guess by his actions and lack of care for me lately he probably could careless. Everytime we have had any arguments or disagreements I always apologize first and he knows it. I hate conflict and uncomfortability in the home so he probably thinks I will come crawling back begging for forgiveness. I’m mad at myself for saying the D word because thats awful but also I know that is where it’s headed. I can not have these arguments with someone who refuses to talk address our issues and blame. Its not healthy it’s heartbreaking though 

Do you think he's having an affair?  His actions somewhat show that.

[Deliasun]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Do you think he's having an affair?  His actions somewhat show that.

I have been wondering!!! I have no proof of anything and he really doesn’t go anywhere but work (all men at his work) well except cleaning lady maybe her she is very nice!   I was thinking maybe he’s talking online to someone. Again no proof just feeling super insecure with the lack of affection and no sex and he used to be very affectionate. And he is constantly on laptop. Its a work laptop so I don’t have any ability to look at it. 

Edited December 31, 2023 by Deliasun

[Gaeta]

15 hours ago, Deliasun said:

Thats why I feel like its either another person or he is out of love with me. I deserve to know either way

We rarely get our answers in life.

Seems to me 2 years of unhappiness and being told to F off is enough for you to leave this marriage, cheating or not.

If you must know then hire a private detective.

 

[stillafool]

One thing is for sure, if you don't make a move  nothing will change with him.  He has to see that you ARE willing to let him go if things between you don't change for good.  Have you talked to your daughter about this?

[Deliasun]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

One thing is for sure, if you don't make a move  nothing will change with him.  He has to see that you ARE willing to let him go if things between you don't change for good.  Have you talked to your daughter about this?

I have talked to her but only briefly not in detail. I don’t want to put her in middle.. she thinks we need counseling..obviously I would do that but he has already said no to that.  I adore this man on many levels however Ive seen a change I don’t understand and don’t like. 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Deliasun said:

I have talked to her but only briefly not in detail. I don’t want to put her in middle.. she thinks we need counseling..obviously I would do that but he has already said no to that.  I adore this man on many levels however Ive seen a change I don’t understand and don’t like. 

Agree don't involve kids in parental conflicts. Why not go to therapy privately and confidentiality (do not tell your husband) for ongoing support and to unpack and sort out what's going on? 

Can you describe exactly what these changes are and when they started? You glossed over, "he's not affectionate or romantic"  "he's hot and cold" but what is really happening? 

Have there been other changes such as finances, health, work schedules, or other stressors?  Keep in mind, if he's having affairs he's not going to tell you. However you have no evidence of anything except he's on his work laptop a lot lately. 

Where is the rancor to the point of "I'm done"  and "fu" coming from? What, exactly do you want to talk to him about and what exactly is the problem? 

Edited December 31, 2023 by Wiseman2

[S2B]

If you have been miserable for two years and he doesn’t care that you are miserable then that shows you really are in the marriage by yourself.

if he doesn’t intend to talk about it and do things to change the marriage then you really have only two choices:

stay knowing you are miserable or

leave knowing it’s not going to change

personally - I believe life is too short to be miserable.

 

You can still adore him but not be married (and alone) in the marriage.

Edited December 31, 2023 by S2B

[Deliasun]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree don't involve kids in parental conflicts. Why not go to therapy privately and confidentiality (do not tell your husband) for ongoing support and to unpack and sort out what's going on? 

Can you describe exactly what these changes are and when they started? You glossed over, "he's not affectionate or romantic"  "he's hot and cold" but what is really happening? 

Have there been other changes such as finances, health, work schedules, or other stressors?  Keep in mind, if he's having affairs he's not going to tell you. However you have no evidence of this except he's on his work laptop a lot lately. 

So we were always best friends we loved hanging out together he was very hands on. Always touching me and holding hands and telling me he loves me. I felt so special and its one reason I fell in love and married him. Two years ago he took the manager position at a big trucking company. His old boss died of covid. It’s definitely more work and more stress and I do understand that. But he started to slip away from being that loving guy. He would still say I love you but the affection sizzled out. He never compliments me or is touchy or shows me physical attention. Obviously I felt like it was me and maybe hes not as attracted to me. He does interact with lots more ppl now via the computer and phone through work. 
 

I started feeling like a roommate with him and sex is lacking if it happens. He has even made comment I'm like a teenager wanting sex. When I initiate I feel like I’m bugging him. There will be random days he all of the sudden in lovey again and I'm like he's back but then it goes away pretty quick. Very hot and cold. Not hott enough to led to sex though. It’s been 2 months! 
 

I understand he’s stressed at work but when I try to communicate our issues he just gets defensive and says I'm the issue because I want to be doted on constantly. I feel like Im not heard and every time I try to talk it ends in a fight and he shuts down and ignores me. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Deliasun said:

I understand he’s stressed at work but when I try to communicate our issues he just gets defensive and says I'm the issue because I want to be doted on constantly. I feel like Im not heard and every time I try to talk it ends in a fight and he shuts down and ignores me. 

Unfortunately it seems like you're both "not being heard". He seems extremely stressed. It's unclear why you think it's about your attractiveness. 

Do you work? Do you have friends and hobbies and interests? Do you feel a sense of empty nest? It's understandable you feel shut out by the work responsibility changes and you've already mentioned it....several times. 

However this is why confiding in a therapist could help you. Confronting him repeatedly , threatening divorce, etc are all escalating the problem. Not resolving it.

Why not plan some date nights and weekend get aways and fun things to do together that decompress both of you? 

Hostility and resentment doesn't really foster attraction or intimacy, nor does pressure to validate your insecurities. 

Whether or not your marriage survives, please consider sorting this out in therapy and getting some conflict resolution tips. 

[Deliasun]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like you're both "not being heard". He seems extremely stressed. It's unclear why you think it's about your attractiveness. 

Do you work? Do you have friends and hobbies and interests? Do you feel a sense of empty nest? It's understandable you feel shut out by the work responsibility changes and you've already mentioned it....several times. 

However this is why confiding in a therapist could help you. Confronting him repeatedly , threatening divorce, etc are all escalating the problem. Not resolving it.

Why not plan some date nights and weekend get aways and fun things to do together that decompress both of you? 

Hostility and resentment doesn't really foster attraction or intimacy, nor does pressure to validate your insecurities. 

Whether or not your marriage survives, please consider sorting this out in therapy and getting some conflict resolution tips. 

I do work! I definitely do feel empty nest though and a sense of not being needed anymore now that my daughter is gone. I don’t have any friends I get to do things with much. Most of my friends have little kids and are super busy and we don’t get together much anymore. That definitely doesn’t help. 
 

I agree with everything you are saying and I do appreciate you commenting! I definitely need help. I doubt a weekend getaway will be able to happen….he is not speaking to me now. Im mad too but he will probably sit in this till I come apologize and won’t apologize himself that itself says everything.. 

[Deliasun]

Well it keeps getting worse!! I tried talking to him and he said he has nothing to say. I apologized! I wasn’t exactly an adult by things I said. He said we can maybe talk this week once he sees lawyer. So i guess my threat is his desire !!  He said thats what I want. So i can get it!! Still wearing ring but looks like he hates me. So I guess thats that. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Deliasun said:

 He said we can maybe talk this week once he sees lawyer. 

Sorry this is happening. Please consult an attorney asap.  Your threat was nuclear and he has no choice but to protect himself and consult an attorney. 

[basil67]

To be fair, when someone gets to the point of threatening divorce, it’s already over.  It’s time to find your own lawyer

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, Deliasun said:

He said we can maybe talk this week once he sees lawyer. So i guess my threat is his desire !!  He said thats what I want.

I don't understand, did he say he was going to see a lawyer because that is what YOU want or HE wants?

[Deliasun]

He said because that is what I want. Than he said he cant do this anymore

[Deliasun]

Im keeping my cool but losing my mind!! I am so upset with myself! I wish I had just shut up now. I have no money compared to him or anywhere to go. Im so worried! I do work but only part time due to a health condition. I left a hard job over a year ago and we both decided part time was better for me.