How did she become so cold suddenly

[way_lander]

We were entangled in a on off relationship for a couple of years. 

We were very close for 10 years. And developed romantic feelings last 2 years, but never really got together coz of circumstances. It was a very emotional period coz of our issues. But she was always there to support, and I was also trying to be there for her. We're Co workers and the last 10 years we were really close. 

But she recently met a guy, just 2 months ago. There wasn't any change in her til about 1 week ago when she told me she had feelings for him. Before that we were still expressing affection for each other and supporting each other. But just overnight last week, she suddenly changed her whole demeanour. Cut contact from last week Monday. 

I asked her out to talk yesterday and she was so cold. Cold to the point I sense she was a little pissed that I'm getting in the way of her new budding relationship. Zero feelings left suddenly. From concern and affection, to overnight cold and heartless. 

Why? I can't understand. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, way_lander said:

We're Co workers and the last 10 years we were really close.  she recently met a guy, just 2 months ago. .1 week ago when she told me she had feelings for him.  I sense she was a little pissed that I'm getting in the way of her new budding relationship. 

Sorry this is happening. She informed you she is focused on her new relationship and that makes sense for her.  Do you still work together? All you can do is respect her boundaries and be polite and professional at work.  Is this the same coworker?

 

Edited January 1 by Wiseman2

[way_lander]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. She informed you she is focused on her new relationship and that makes sense for her.  Do you still work together? All you can do is respect her boundaries and be polite and professional at work.  Is this the same coworker?

 

It is the same. 

I acknowledge that I have hurt her deeply with my actions. But we were still very close despite all that. There were periods where she was angry with me. But never like this. Now she just doesn't care anymore. I tried to talk to her to win her back permanently, but I guess it's too late. She wasn't interested. 

But even so, how is it she can turn cold and impatient with me so fast? 

To have feelings for another I can understand. To totally be able to drop one overnight, to the point of being an annoyance, I can't understand. 

I haven't been a good person in relationships, but I'm really hurting. I feel like I want to tell her off for her actions, but I guess to her it'll just be words coming from a person of no importance, just an annoyance. A few weeks ago I was a source of comfort, my words held so much weight. Now it's just wind. Help me understand and help me stop thinking please. I need help. I haven't slept at all and I get so many flashbacks whenever I close my eyes, and I'm so tired. 

[NuevoYorko]

Surely you know that when you are fooling around with somebody and one of you meets someone and it gets serious, that the playing around is now over.  Immediately.  

Dude ... you had TEN YEARS to make something with this woman and all you did was mess around.  

Man up, step aside, and let her find happiness with this person who evidently is offering her what she feels she needs and deserves.  It doesn't sound like she ever had anything solid with you.   

[way_lander]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Surely you know that when you are fooling around with somebody and one of you meets someone and it gets serious, that the playing around is now over.  Immediately.  

Dude ... you had TEN YEARS to make something with this woman and all you did was mess around.  

Man up, step aside, and let her find happiness with this person who evidently is offering her what she feels she needs and deserves.  It doesn't sound like she ever had anything solid with you.   

I know I messed up. And I know I missed the boat. My head is filled with what ifs now and I can't bear the thought of work without her in the team anymore. Every situation, every corner brings up memories and flashbacks, and the pain of how that all is inconsequential to her now. 

But I beg you all to stop chastising me for awhile please, and help me get through this.. I only realised how much i love her now and it's too late.. I know I messed up really bad, but help me please I'm gg crazy. 

Is there still any chance with her? 

Or if not how can I stop these negative thoughts and flashbacks and what ifs in my head? I can't sleep, can't concentrate at work. I can't lead and motivate my team and I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack multiple times in a day. I will seek help from a therapist but I doubt it helps much besides someone to talk to. I literally have no one who understands this around me. How can I get through this? How long will I need? 

She works on the same floor as me and the new guy is in her same office. Good thing is I won't see them in my office but I am scared to go to the restrooms, to the pantry, or even to the lift lobby. I can't even bear the sight of her car in the office parking space. Help please. 

[way_lander]

Every idle moment that I have some memory will come back. Even when I'm working, something will trigger and my mind will drift to the good times we had, or even just normal work times memory. I am going crazy... how does she erase all these over a week? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, way_lander said:

 when I'm working, something will trigger and my mind will drift to the good times we had, . how does she erase all these over a week? 

Please try to focus on a professional work environment and dating outside of work. This coworker moved on months ago. It's up to you to fulfill your social life, emotional and romantic needs, make friends and date outside of work. Perhaps this event will inspire you to do so. 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, way_lander said:

 

But even so, how is it she can turn cold and impatient with me so fast? 

To have feelings for another I can understand. To totally be able to drop one overnight, to the point of being an annoyance, I can't understand. 

I haven't been a good person in relationships, but I'm really hurting. I feel like I want to tell her off for her actions, but I guess to her it'll just be words coming from a person of no importance, just an annoyance. 

Back in my dating days I could do the light switch on/off thing.  It’s origins are of having a epiphany, realising that the situation (for whatever reason) isn’t working for me.   It feels like an instant release of angst, history and tension and a whole fresh start.  

And you’re absolutely right that telling her off will just be words coming from the past. And in all honesty if you did so, it would likely reinforce that she made the right decision.

As for what your’re feeling, it is simply consequence for past choices.  I’ve made bad choices in the past and the feeling which goes with suffering consequences can be really unpleasant.  I could be off my food for days, with high heart rate and insomnia and hyper focused on what I did.  It’s all a very normal reaction.  On the positive, when you come out the other side, if we learn from it, we become a better person. 

[d0nnivain]

She has a new beau.  People in new relationships tend to neglect their friends in favor of that new person because falling in love is exciting & time consuming.   

As an opposite sex friend with whom she had a complicated relationship, your presence in her life is detrimental to her budding romance.  Imagine you met a new woman & that woman told you she has this "friend" who she casually messed around with for 10 years, as the new BF, are you going to want that guy around?  Hell no.   Plus, what you are experiencing happens:  now that somebody else wants her & you realize you are about to lose her you now want to get serious because you finally figured out you "love" her.  Of course you have to go because you are toxic toward her new romance.  You're jealous but if you ever cared about her, you have to let go.  It's not fair for you to play with her emotions like this.  Life is not a rom-com where situations like this work out for you, the indecisive non-committal guy who finally woke up.  

[NuevoYorko]

The following is not "chastisement."   Just reality as I have gathered it from your posts.

I don't get the impression that you really care about this woman or that you cared for you ex either.

 You don't talk about your feelings for or about the women.  It's about how they make YOU feel about YOURSELF.

She's so cold, she acts like you are "inconsequential," she's impatient with you etc.  

Her entire role as I understand if from your posts has always been to behave in ways that soothed you, boosted your ego and provided good feelings.  

You won't ever be "happy" with any woman or in a relationship as long as you just see the other person / people as a mirror that is in place to reflect back to you the way you desperately want to see yourself.   You seem to treat the objects of your affection like a drug.

Of course we are all looking to feel good things when we are in a relationship but our sense of self is not supposed to hinge on that, and the other person is not meant to exist in our lives to provide that.    

Yes, you probably can look into this whole dynamic with therapy and hopefully learn how to change your approach to relationships with women.

In the meanwhile:  You still do exist, your ego and what lies beneath that are still there whether you have a woman bolstering it or not.   It sounds like you are good at your job so throw yourself into that for the time being, as well as any outside interests / hobbies / friends you have.  

That's standard advice for anyone going through a painful breakup.  Sounds cliché but that's the way it is ... you need to go through it to get to the other side.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, way_lander said:

I will seek help from a therapist but I doubt it helps much besides someone to talk to.

You have no idea if this will be true for you. 

Give therapy a real and fair shot. Your reaction to this situation indicates it's really time for it. This woman is gone and has moved on from you, but you can (and should) get yourself in order so one day you can have a healthy relationship with someone. It appears this might be the wake-up call you desperately needed to start treating people better and not just think of your own needs and desires. 

12 hours ago, way_lander said:

Is there still any chance with her? 

No, there isn't.

[Alpacalia]

Because she has a boyfriend. And because you're a bit of an arse. She was there for you for 2 years, she was there for a friend for 10 years, and then just as she's found somebody who she likes as more than a friend, suddenly you want to talk to her again.

[ShyViolet]

She's letting you know that her new relationship is her priority now.  It's not about her being "cold", she is just ending the pseudo relationship she had with you that wasn't going anywhere.  She's done with it.  No, there isn't a chance you could get her back.  Work on yourself and move on.

[voltra]

We were together for 7 years, and then on and off for another year. The last 1 year hasnt been happy for us, and I finally broke up with her, because I can't see how we can get married this year and have kids by next year and be happy for the next 50. Which is what she wants, the having kids and getting married part. If I can't provide that, I shouldn't waste her time anymore. 

But I miss her like crazy now. I still love her alot and I keep thinking of the good times we had and what could have been if I tried harder. But we can't uturn now. And I need help to get over her. 

When I'm working in the day, time passes faster and I can still manage. When I get home, and I stay alone, it gets really bad. I start to miss her like crazy, and I stalk her social media and last online time continually. AND she stays just 15 min drive away from me, and I keep doing stupid things like driving to her apartment and checking her window lights to see if shes home already. Sometimes I'd just hang around the area under her place, just smoking and staring up at her window hoping to catch a glimpse. And I do this almost every night and sometimes multiple times a night. 

I get anxiety when i can't find her online, when she is offline for hours, wild thoughts will flood my brain. I need to stop but i can't help myself. I have had a couple of near panic attacks and always feeling anxiety at night, on weekends and on public holidays, I keep wondering where she is and what she is doing.

I have been seeing a therapist for months but it doesnt help. I don't have anyone that I can talk to constantly and my friends are not always available, and they don't know or understand what I am going through. I am going through this almost entirely on my own. 

Help. What can I do to stop doing crazy s*** like these. 

 

 

[Gebidozo]

I need some context. What happened, exactly? Did she threaten you that if you don’t get married and have kids next year, she’ll leave you? Or did she just express a wish for that to happen? Why can’t you marry her and have kids? Why can’t this be delayed until both of you are on the same page? How old are you? How old is she? 

[d0nnivain]

How old are you?  If you are 21 & have been together since you were 14, It's understandable that you are not ready for marriage, kids & the next 50+ years.  If you are approaching 30, you need to get serious about what YOU want.  If you don't want marriage, kids & a lifetime then you need to do the honorable thing & let her go -- fully.  No more stalking her social media, etc.  If being apart is telling you that maybe you are just scared, you may need to acknowledge that there are no guarantees in life & take a chance.  

Edited April 10 by d0nnivain

[voltra]

We're approaching our mid 30s. She said that if I cannot give her what she wants, which is kids and marriage by this year and kids by next year, she'd have to look elsewhere for it. I agreed, and we broke up. 

I'm trying to follow the no contact rule, at least the part of not texting her. but I'm really suffering here. I miss her like crazy. Yesterday was a public holiday and I was thinking of her the whole day. I didn't sleep a wink last night and tonight seems like I'll not be able to sleep again. Today was esp bad, I'm feeling like I'm gg to have a panic attack now. I saw my therapist on Tues. Didn't help. 

How do I get through this period... Help  

[d0nnivain]

You don't speed through the process.  Grief takes as long as it takes.  Try journaling.  Perhaps make a pros & cons list about the relationship, getting back together, staying apart, marriage & kids.  It may help you clarify what you want.  

[Gebidozo]

On 4/12/2024 at 12:08 AM, voltra said:

We're approaching our mid 30s. She said that if I cannot give her what she wants, which is kids and marriage by this year and kids by next year, she'd have to look elsewhere for it.

If you love her and miss her so much, why can’t you marry her and have kids with her? You’ve been together for 7 years, she’s in her mid-30’s. It’s not unreasonable to want to get married and have children under these circumstances.

 

[basil67]

I need more context:  What went wrong in the last year?   And how old are the two of you?

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Susie47 said:

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This is a Scammer.

[flamel]

Sorry for the long post. But I'd appreciate any comments and feedback from everyone. Thank you;

 

We work in the same building, and was once working together. I'm 41 and shes 30. 

We were really really close, and she developed deep feelings for me, I had feelings for her too, but at that time I didnt think she was the one and we never got together. That was about 1 year back.

A few months later, I began to realise that my feelings for her runs deeper than I thought, and wanted to woo her back. All these while, we maintained a close friendship. Thats when she told me she developed feelings for another person, and said she is over me. Fast forward, the other guy screwed up really bad in the process of their dating period (getting intinate with his ex) and she said she cut him off entirely. 

So I made my move. I told her I still had feelings for her and would like to woo her back. A few times she straight up told me she'd rather remain as friends and won't want to have a romantic relationship with me coz she had no feelings for me anymore. But i believe that she has latent feelings for me, just that she doesnt want to look back. Why I say that is because a few times when we go for drinks, she'd say shes confused, but at the same time she don't feel any longing for me like last time. She'd flirt with me, get touchy a little, and we always enjoy each other's company. But there are also times when we'd be tense coz I was sometimes emotional and maybe a little pushy when we meet. 

Recently, I decided that instead of going aggressive, I'd take a step back a little That was after a particularly bad fight we had coz I sortof confronted her after I had some drinks. That was totally my bad, I was aggressive verbally, and she got really angry and told me she wanted nothing to do with me after that. 

 So after a few days, I apologized. I told her that I wouldnt be pressuring her in any way. I want to only bring good vibes to the relationship, and only then will we have a chance to build anything. I made her a handmade card, wrote that I want her back, but not in any pressuring way. I'd work my way back. She was really happy to receive the card, I could see how she smiled and soften when reading the card. My approach since then, was to give her a card every Monday, just a reminder that I care and am still chasing her. But throughout the week, I'd  just interact as friends with her. Since then we've been texting consistently.

So the mixed signals from then

1. She accepts my advances like buying some gifts for her recent travels. She'd accept my Monday memos. 

2. She'd initiate contact with me frequently. Telling me about her day, tell me her whereabouts, texts out of nowhere. Sometimes I initiate, some days she'd initiate. 

3. During one of our meetups just last week, I was smoking and when I reached my 3rd stick, she said "stop please, that too many." I said no, today was a bad day, I needed that. Then she said "I'd trade you a hug if you don't light up that 3rd stick". And she hugged me, a good hug with lingering arms. And then she said, "You know this doesnt mean you have succeeded right?" I said I know, I have alot of work to do still. And before she left my car, she initiated another hug again. We havent had physical contact for months before this day.

4. I don't know how we got to the topic but she said I should do some facial routine everyday to look better. I said no, too much trouble. And she said, "You know we have an age gap, if ever we get together, you cannot look too old while I'm looking young right?" I said ok, and she bought a series of facial products for me the next day. 

5. She travelled overseas with her family last week. On the day of her flight, in the early morning, she initiate a text to me "I'm on the plane already". To me that was a deliberate action, something she didn't need to do given our "friendship". We were chatting and texting the night before but the convo ended with no need to continue, but she initiated that text in the morning.

6. During her travels, I'd make sure I don't inititate texts to her everyday, so that I'd know if its just me or she also wants to talk to me. And she did, she texted me daily, updating me on what she ate, what was nice during her trip. When shes having her alone time we'd chat. And on most nights, we'd text til she sleeps. 

7. So I felt I was making progress, and I doubled down. I sent her flowers while she was overseas to her hotel, on this Monday, for the weekly Mondays cards. She was appreciative and said she'd bring a stalk back to make dry petals. That conversation was just, nice.  I thought I was getting to her already. She even said I should have bought the flowers for her when she's home so she can keep it. 

But then today the topic came up while we were chatting, and she said not to buy her flowers anymore. Its a waste of money, AND she doesnt want me to waste my efforts, coz in the end there'd still be nothing. And that I could stop the Monday memos if I wanted to. It affected me alot, but I just said I won't give up, and don't think too much, just enjoy that bouquet of flowers. I asked her if she was touched by the flowers, and she said she was surprised, appreciative, and felt weird to receive flowers from me. But "tbh, not touched". She just acknowledge that its a lot of effort. Maybe she sensed my disappointment, she later sent me a pic of the stalk she packed into her luggage and said "I really did bring one back"

And throughout the day, she continued to update me on what she ate, went etc. And even suggested and arranged a day for us to go to her brows salon to use her subscription package to trim my eyebrows, and chatted til she went to bed.

i'm confused.

- What is she feeling? Does she have feelings for me?

- Am I being friendzoned? 

- Should I continue to chase her and give her the Monday memos? Or give up and cut her off for my own good?

- She mentioned during the hugging day that she's scared and she don't want to be heart broken again. Could that be why?

- I feel like I overplayed my hand, too much effort to send flowers to her overseas. And she got scared. Could that be it?

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, flamel said:

 I feel like I overplayed my hand, too much effort to send flowers to her overseas. And she got scared. Could that be it?

Trust your instincts. It's too much smothering. The only mixed signals are that she's lapping up the attention because she's on the rebound. Please try scaling back and let her take more initiative. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Why was @flamel's topic posted to @voltra's thread?

[Acacia98]

@flamel: 

It honestly sounds like too much. And you know what? It sounds like she's not on the same page as you.

Let her words guide you: no more flowers or Monday memos. And reduce your communication efforts such that you can be sure it's not just you and she's reciprocating. And set yourself a deadline for all of this: if she's still untrusting and ambivalent by a certain date, you will accept defeat and let her be.