tokidoki Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 I am going away to the mountains for a month. I have a new pair of skis. My friend is also going but arriving two weeks earlier than me. He is planning to drive. I asked him a while ago if I could send my skis to him to put in his car when he drives out, as it would save me a lot of logistical difficulty and money taking them on the plane with me. Initially he agreed but said it would be dependent on whether he got a big enough roof box which he is yet to order. He keeps kicking it down the road, every time I ask if he's ready for me to courier he delays, saying he hasn't ordered it yet and doesn't know when he will. It feels like he is being deliberately unhelpful, and almost enjoying being in a position to help and thereby creating an anxious situation. It's now the case that by the time he confirms he can take them, It will be difficult for me to get them to him in time. I know that seems a little paranoid but he has form for this sort of thing - He once commissioned me for some work but was incredibly demanding and difficult, requesting dozens of unreasonable changes. Is there a word for this sort of behaviour where someone gets a kick out of being in a position of power over someone else, even if its minscule? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 4 minutes ago, tokidoki said: . I asked him a while ago if I could send my skis to him to put in his car when he drives out, as it would save me a lot of logistical difficulty and money taking them on the plane with me. If you are asking him for favors, he seems a bit reluctant. Arrange to get the equipment there yourself. That will make your trip more enjoyable and avoid unnecessary conflicts and confusion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tokidoki Posted January 4 Author Share Posted January 4 I did say a few times don't worry if it's any bother, and every time he's insisted that it's fine. I've known him a long time, but I don't know, seems to enjoy that power over others which to be fair I've allowed him. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 If you need to courier your skis to this guy in order for him to do you a favor, why not just have them shipped to your lodging at the ski area. In any case, I don't understand what kind of help you are seeking here. Your friend is not committing to do you this favor and so you need to take care of it yourself. And he doesn't have any "power" over you because he has not committed to haul your gear, for heaven's sake. Why did you even ask him in the first place when your experience with him has been that he was "incredibly demanding and difficult"? Are you going out of your way to seek complications in your life? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 12 minutes ago, tokidoki said: I did say a few times don't worry if it's any bother, and every time he's insisted that it's fine. I've known him a long time, but I don't know, seems to enjoy that power over others which to be fair I've allowed him. If he's said it will be fine, just courier the skis to him now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tokidoki Posted January 4 Author Share Posted January 4 6 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: If you need to courier your skis to this guy in order for him to do you a favor, why not just have them shipped to your lodging at the ski area. Because it's in another country and that's prohibitively expensive. The point of asking him to take them is to avoid that expense. 7 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: Why did you even ask him in the first place when your experience with him has been that he was "incredibly demanding and difficult"? Not sure why you've put that in quotes - I never said that. 8 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: Are you going out of your way to seek complications in your life? I asked him to do me a favour in order to make things less complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 If you don't want to take the risk of sending him the skis and finding that he doesn't need a box, then just buy them a flight bag and put them in the hold of the plane when you leave. People transport surfboards, skis, golf clubs to destinations all the time. Or do as I do when I've flown to the destination: I pack my boots but hire skis at the other end. Yes, it sucks to not use them this time, but there will be future opportunities. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tokidoki Posted January 4 Author Share Posted January 4 14 minutes ago, basil67 said: If you don't want to take the risk of sending him the skis and finding that he doesn't need a box, then just buy them a flight bag and put them in the hold of the plane when you leave. People transport surfboards, skis, golf clubs to destinations all the time. Or do as I do when I've flown to the destination: I pack my boots but hire skis at the other end. Yes, it sucks to not use them this time, but there will be future opportunities. Yeah I'm aware that this is possible - it's not really about the logistics it's more about the behaviour he's displaying. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 8 minutes ago, tokidoki said: Yeah I'm aware that this is possible - it's not really about the logistics it's more about the behaviour he's displaying. When is he due to leave? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 It sounds like he really doesn't want to do this favor for you, and rather than being honest and telling you he doesn't want to do it, he is just procrastinating and brushing you off in the hopes that you will get the hint. You do know that he is not obligated to do this for you, right? If you want to take this trip then you have to be prepared to take responsibility for getting your own belongings there. If you can't do that, then maybe you shouldn't be taking this trip. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 1 hour ago, tokidoki said: it's in another country and that's prohibitively expensive. The point of asking him to take them is to avoid that expense. I asked him to do me a favour in order to make things less complicated. What's in this for him except a lot of hassles and responsibilities? Maybe he doesn't want the headaches and responsibility for transporting your equipment. Link to post Share on other sites
Alphaba Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 I would forget about asking him for help, he either can’t be assed or is enjoying dicking you around. Get them where you need them to be by other means. I find as I get older a lot of people are just downright selfish, self centered and not interested in helping others. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 1 hour ago, tokidoki said: Yeah I'm aware that this is possible - it's not really about the logistics it's more about the behaviour he's displaying. It's obvious he's not interested in dealing with your skis on his trip even though he hasn't come right out and told you so. He has that right and I don't see it as him trying to hold power over you. He just doesn't want to be responsible for your skis. I like Basil's suggestion to you about the skis. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 I also wondered if he doesn't want to do it but hasn't come straight out and said so. Some people really do have a hard time saying "no" and end up doing things they don't want to do because of it. As I get older I'm getting a lot better at saying "no", but sometimes I have to buy myself time to come up with the words by saying "Let me sleep on it". The reason I think he's not wanting to do it is because he said "it would be dependent on whether he got a big enough roof box". Sounds like he has to buy a bigger and more expensive box to fit your skis. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 2 hours ago, tokidoki said: Not sure why you've put that in quotes - I never said that. ??? It's literally a quote from your original post: Quote He once commissioned me for some work but was incredibly demanding and difficult So, you know he is difficult, yet you felt like asking him to do you a favor. Unsurprisingly he's being difficult. Your question to us is "Why do people behave in this way?" You answered your own question. At least in this case, it's because he's difficult. But anyway, you like him enough to go on a vacation together, so either trust him and just ship them over to him, or get your gear transported on your own, and have a good time with this demanding and difficult individual. Who, basically, just doesn't seem super keen on committing to bringing your skis, and you are coming off as a bit presumptuous about it. After all, he can't bring them without having a specific sized roof box, which he does not currently own. Sounds like a big ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 (edited) 3 hours ago, tokidoki said: Is there a word for this sort of behaviour where someone gets a kick out of being in a position of power He's not in a position of power. You're not a victim. He doesn't want to get sued if something happens to your new equipment. Or the hassle cost and liability Unfortunately if you can afford new skis and ski vacations you should be able to afford insurance on your equipment as well as whatever the airline fees are. Edited January 5 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 The issue is that he said he would help and now he’s making things difficult. Tell him forget it then so you don't have to pay your friend more for help especially if he promises things he doesn't stick to. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 Just now, Alpacalia said: The issue is that he said he would help and now he’s making things difficult. Tell him forget it then so you don't have to pay your friend more for help especially if he promises things he doesn't stick to. Well ... to be fair to the guy, he said right off the bat that he'd need a bigger roof box to be able to do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 8 hours ago, Alpacalia said: if he promises things he doesn't stick to. No, he did not. He said IF he gets a roof box. The friend never "promised" anything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 How would you get your skis to your holiday destination if this person wasn't going? Use that method. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 16 hours ago, tokidoki said: He keeps kicking it down the road, every time I ask if he's ready for me to courier he delays, saying he hasn't ordered it yet and doesn't know when he will. Maybe he thinks you're overstepping boundaries by expecting him to spend the money to get a larger roof box just to accommodate your skis. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 (edited) 16 hours ago, tokidoki said: Is there a word for this sort of behaviour where someone gets a kick out of being in a position of power over someone else, even if its minscule? I've experienced something like this. You could look up "power play" or "stonewalling" to see whether either applies. Btw, just figure out a way of shipping your skis that doesn't involve this friend, or hire other skis at your destination. The anxiety you're currently experiencing is not worth it. Edited January 5 by Acacia98 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 As for why people do this, I can only speak of what I've observed: the folks I know who do this generally harbor a lot of resentment but prefer to avoid conflict. So this is a form of passive aggression. It allows them to cause hurt/inconvenience to others under the guise of apparently innocuous interactions. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 (edited) Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may simply have a lot going on and keeps forgetting to order the roof box. Having said that, if that was the case, he would likely communicate that with you and apologize for the delay. Instead, he is intentionally avoiding the subject and causing you additional stress and inconvenience. Saying "he doesn't know when he will order it" keeps you in limbo making the situation more difficult than it needs to be. If he doesn't want to do it, that's within his right, but it's not okay to keep you in suspense. You have a right to know and plan accordingly. Regardless of the specific term, it sounds like your friend may not be the most reliable or considerate person, and it may be wise to find alternate arrangements for your skis if possible. I'm also wondering, if you've seen him exhibit this type of behavior in the past, why did you ask him to take your skis in the first place? For that matter, go on a sabbatical in the mountains with someone out of such character as your friend seems to be, but that's a different question. Edited January 5 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 Unfortunately it's difficult for many people to say "no" when asked for a favor. It's possible that the friend said they'd have to get a new roof box as a "subtle hint" that they really might not be in the position to do this favor, and hoped that the OP would say "oh nevermind, don't bother buying new equipment for your car that you don't necessarily need for yourself so that I can save some money." OP did not, Fine. But the next step being "the friend is a power mad manipulator" seems very outlandish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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