When someone says, I love you' to their husband and he does not replay at all, should you stop telling him?

[hellokrystal]

My husband and I have been married a short time but have been together for over six years.  In most ways, he is very good to me. He is financially generous. He doesn't verbally abuse me. But every day when he leaves for work and every night before bed, I say "I love you". He does not say it back to me. I have addressed the issue with him. When he is drinking alcohol, he promises that he will start saying it back to me. But when he is sober, he gets very irritated when I bring it up.  Now, this is where I question both his motives and mine. Am I wanting to hear him say it back to me because I am feeling insecure or jealous, He does say it back to his sisters and other family members when they say they love him. I actually do feel a little jealous. Why cant he just say it back to me, its so simple and free. I expressed how much better I would feel personally and that I would greatly appreciate  the effort on his part. OR is he purposely not saying it back to me because he knows how much I want him to. Either way I have decided to stop saying it to him. Making that decision broke my heart. But I can not continue to say it with no response from him. I dont want to end up feeling resentful. Has anyone else experienced this? If so, was there a solution? Thank you for you time and consideration reading this post. And Happy New  Year to all.

[basil67]

My husband and I say it sporadically, but we always know the love is there even without saying it.  May I ask why you need to say (and hear it) morning and night?  Does any of his behaviour make you feel as if he doesn't love you?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, hellokrystal said:

I wanting to hear him say it back to me because I am feeling insecure or jealous, 

How long have you been married? How is the relationship overall? Are there arguments or conflicts about finances, intimacy, in-laws, leisure time, or household responsibilities? 

How often does he drink and do you feel it's problematic?  Does he show he loves you in other ways? Do you really want him to just parrot "I love you" back to you automatically because you're demanding it? 

Why are you  "feeling insecure or jealous"? Please focus on the issues and problems with the marriage rather than canned automatic insincere forced replies. Do you feel like he loves you? 

[stillafool]

My husband and I tell each other "I love you" almost every time we talk to each other and we both like that.  I would be so hurt if he could say ILY to his family members but not me.   I can understand why you are hurt and resentful.  I don't know if you not saying ILY to him is going to be sustainable.  I think it's going to make you even more resentful of him.  Does he love you?

[d0nnivain]

Have you ever told him why you need it to be said?  My reason is 9-11.  Too many people didn't come home that day so it's important not to leave things unsaid   Have you ever asked him why he gets upset when you try to talk about it?  The idea that you directly asking for such a simple thing but him not giving it to you is a problem, IMO, especially because he says it back to others.  

The fact that you list "he doesn't abuse me" as one of his good qualities makes me wonder about your standards.  That should be a given not something noteworthy.  What kind of relationships did you have before him?   If he is deliberately withholding the words because he knows you want to hear them, you have to rethink your opinion that he's not abusive because frankly it's cruel.  

Edited January 5, 2024 by d0nnivain

[hellokrystal]

Thank you for all of the great questions and helpful information.  I know he loves me. We don't argue about much and when we do its simple silly things like when he can't find a certain shirt in the closet, lol, but it right in front of him. I don't know if I feel deserving of hearing it back from him. Even as a curtesy. What time does it take to simply say it back. I have talked to him a few times and shared how I feel. He says he will put forth more of an effort but it doesn't happen. I can't help having this nagging feeling about this issue. Part of me feels jealous that he will say it to other people. He thinks it is rude if his sister or father says it to him and he doesn't say it back. I don't only feel jealous but also hurt because  I would like the same treatment. But what does it really matter if he says it out of obligation, right? The more I think and write, the more I realize that there are many more things to spend my time thinking about. Maybe I just needed to get it out and hear views from other people. Thank you to all. You have my true gratitude and appreciation. I hope everyone has a fabulous, prosperous, and healthy 2024

 

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, hellokrystal said:

I don't know if I feel deserving of hearing it back from him. Even as a curtesy. 

What do you mean you don't deserve to hear ILY back from your own husband?   You have a self esteem problem, if that is true. 

If your husband thinks it's rude not to say ILY back to other family members, why isn't it equally rude to not say it back to you?  

Something is really wrong here.  

[LuckyM]

Well, he could write it for you, is that all right? Must it be verbal?

He could say "ditto" but that is weak. Or just" same here"--- if he is unwilling to say or write anything like that

something is not right. Must he say "LOVE"?  Is another word okay?  Adore, amour, l  t'aime    

Dont make an issue of this, you will only make it uncomfortable and worse. He can't be forced into it