How to progress in a relationship with a partner that is depressed?

[Zeroheath]

Hi everyone,

I am not sure this is quite the best part of the forum to post this, but feels like it's on the path to break-up so here it goes. I've been in this relationship for almost 2 years (we are both 36). Even if I am writing here, things are good. We love each other very much, we have a relationship based on trust, faithfulness, sex is still good, we are not bored, however there is a problem: we are not living together and don't think we will anytime soon.

The background of this:
One day per week, my gf wants to be alone with her, something we both agree upon because I also like that, but I did not make much of it at the start. However this is becoming the main reason we are not moving in, as stupid as it sounds. We've tried and saw a few apartments since our 6th month together, but she always was reluctant. We spend our time either at her place or at mine.

A background on her:
I think it's important to point out some things about how she is, things I know and accept, but I am subjective on it:

she doesn't have any real friends and doesn't know how to make the difference between the term "friend" and "acquaintance". For example she calls friend somebody who she knows and speaks once per 1 year in the best case scenario.

she is depressed and trying to work with that for many years now when, at some point, she was close to suicide

she is unhappy at work and because she doesn't have a purpose, but she isn't doing anything to make it better, to solve that

The past two weeks we had two arguments that triggered me to write here:

She was very upset we are sitting on the couch and watch tv series or chill after work lately instead of doing things. I pointed out that I came up with different plans (walk after work, drive somewhere etc) but she was too tired to do anything.

This morning I made a comment while we were still in bed, like a stupid one that I've read somewhere that getting hit in the balls in same as giving birth when it comes to pain. It followed an argument and how much I tried to explain it was a silly thing I've read, she took it personal.

So, I love her, I think we are compatible, not 100%, but we have a good relationship nevertheles. But I think she is not in a right place and moving in will be a mistake. I think the therapy she is doing is either not helping her or she is not doing it right (no idea, we don't talk about it).
But I think not moving together and making the next step will get to me quite soon if we are not doing it, and I don't want to be selfish and ask her that when clearly she is not fine.

So? Would love to hear some inputs on this
Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Zeroheath said:

 I've been in this relationship for almost 2 years (we are both 36).  a problem: we are not living together .this is becoming the main reason we are not moving in. We've tried and saw a few apartments since our 6th month together, 

Do you both work full time and earn roughly equally? Do either of you have children? Do you both rent or own your own places or live with parents/roommates? Are either of you divorced or used to living with someone?

How much time do you spend together? Spending more time apart is a great idea. 

What is the huge rush with living together? Money? Convenience? You seem to have been pushing this issue since way too soon into the relationship.   

Keep in mind moving in together is not a commitment. It's just a sexual, financial and household convenience. Do you both want the same things as far as marriage, family future goals and plans?.

[Zeroheath]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Do you both work full time and earn roughly equally? Do either of you have children? Do you both rent or own your own places or live with parents/roommates? Are either of you divorced or used to living with someone?

How much time do you spend together? Spending more time apart is a great idea. 

What is the huge rush with living together? Money? Convenience? You seem to have been pushing this issue since way too soon into the relationship.   

Keep in mind moving in together is not a commitment. It's just a sexual, financial and household convenience. Do you both want the same things as far as marriage, family future goals and plans?.

- We earn equally and pretty decent, plus we own, but are rented out.

- No children

- We both rent

- We both to live with someone, but differently. I moved with my partner after 1 year and ended the relationship after 7 years. She moved somewhat out of obligations because she moved into a foreign country and lived with a guy a long time ago.

- There is no rush or push from my part. Or I didn't feel it. Early on we both decided it was nice to start seeing apartments. We went in the first one, we left and she was sick all night after that (puke, fever etc) because the apartment we've seen had a strong odor after it was renovated. So then we had a break and restarted in July last year, but she was reluctant in anything and stopped again.

- On the same things: yes and no, we want marriage at some point, kids she doesn't want, I don't know.

Why I want to move in together is to see if we can work together as a couple living in the same house. If so, I want to marry her.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Zeroheath said:

Why I want to move in together is to see if we can work together as a couple living in the same house. 

Please stay in your respective living spaces. This is too much too soon and you know from experience that living together too soon often doesn't end well.

Living together is not a test drive and a poor reason to go through the hassle of it. Either you're compatible..or you're not. Please don't dangle "maybe we'll get married but first let's live together", this is just stalling and testing someone.

Either you're confident and secure in the relationship...or you're not. In this case it seems like there are more compatibility issues to sort out before making the next steps, especially how much space or together time you both want. 

Edited January 7 by Wiseman2

[Zeroheath]

Before jumping into marriage, I want to live with her to see if we can work together in the same house.

I think it's normal to follow some steps.

[d0nnivain]

She's not ready to live together.  If she truly suffers from depression, she feels stuck . . unable to find a purpose.  She probably has feelings about being unworthy.   The best thing you can do is nudge her to get out of the house, to take a walk, to do something.  Don't push but show her that you are there for her.  Encourage her to get a therapist; she needs somebody to talk to.  

At a minimum if you are going to live together you may need something larger than a 1 bedroom.  She will need a place to escape.  

[Zeroheath]

She is doing therapy for 3-4 years now.

Since we've been together, I didn't see some improvement.  My guess is that she either isn't trying to help herself, or the therapy with this person is not working and she should seek someone else.

The intention was to move into something with 3 rooms. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Zeroheath said:

Before jumping into marriage, I want to live with her to see if we can work together in the same house. I think it's normal to follow some steps.

Why not put the idea on hold for now since she doesn't seem up to it and in fact is asking for more space. 

[Zeroheath]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not put the idea on hold for now since she doesn't seem up to it and in fact is asking for more space. 

The idea is on hold, but I am trying to figure out if it's on hold, or is something that will never happen.

[FMW]

There's a good chance that she will always be in the same head space that she is in right now, whether or not she has times where her mood and activity level are improved. It sounds like she has generally been the same during the entirety of your relationship. Although it's good to be supportive and encouraging when you feel someone is depressed, there's a certain level of acceptance you need to have to have a lasting relationship.  It's up to her to make the choice of what to do about her situation.  

You seem to be judging her life based on what you think is normal or right. 

• Wanting to be alone one day per week isn't something that's terribly unusual, some people  - who don't have depression or other mental health problems - need some time alone, no matter how much they love someone. 
• Some people don't have large groups of intimate friends, and there are friendships which may only include being together once a year.  

I'm sure you only want what is best for her, but at some point you have to decide if you can accept who she is right now.  Don't base your future plans on requiring her to change, no matter how much you feel the changes are in her best interest.  

Living together is a bad idea if she has doubts and since she has shown you she needs more space than you are happy with.  She might have liked the idea of living together, but the reality is something that she's realized isn't something she wants.

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Zeroheath said:

Before jumping into marriage, I want to live with her to see if we can work together in the same house.

I think it's normal to follow some steps.

Yes that is perfectly normal.  But she doesn't want it.  Just because you've been together two years doesn't mean that it's automatically time to progress to the next level of moving in together.  She has made it clear that she doesn't want that.  Maybe she will never want to take that step with you.  Pushing the issue is not going to work. You need to accept that she isn't at the same point that you are in the relationship and doesn't want the same things as you.  If you want to stay in this relationship you are going to have to accept that.  If this truly bothers you so much and you don't want to accept a relationship that doesn't progress towards living together and marriage, then you are free to end the relationship and find someone else.

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Zeroheath said:

She is doing therapy for 3-4 years now.

Since we've been together, I didn't see some improvement.  My guess is that she either isn't trying to help herself, or the therapy with this person is not working and she should seek someone else.

Depression doesn't get cured.  You simply learn how to manage it.  Sometimes it rears back & the person becomes immobilized.  That is where I am now.  In that space it's difficult because it's tough to do anything:  get out of bed, shower, get dressed, etc.   Sometimes I can get energized if my husband does some laundry, does the dishes or encourages me to take a walk.  Again, I encourage you to nudge her but not push too hard.  The more you push the more she will shut down; you will get the opposite response of what you seek -- real change.  

[Zeroheath]

Thanks everyone for the input. I will respond here:

@FMW

1. I am ok with the alone thing, I trully am because I need it also. But if we move in together at some point, then what? Would have to go to a hotel to give her the space she needs? I want to find a solution together with her about that.

2. She doesn't have any. Like really any. She was in a group of fake people that took advantage of her in the past. Took money, clothes etc. She has a wrong definition of what "friend" means. No one is calling her, no one is interested in her. It's me and work.

@ShyViolet

For the moment I am staying because of how things are. We have harmony most of the time and that is hard to find. But I need at some point to make a decision, no matter how hard it is. But I don't know what to expect, I don't want to be in the same situation in 2 years, for example.

@d0nnivain

I am trying my best, I really am. I love her and I am trying to be supportive as much as I can. But I've learned not to force things and always find excusses for the other one.

[basil67]

@Zeroheath has she tried medication?  The difference meds made for my depression was like going from night to day

[MsJayne]

What sort of depression does she suffer with? Is it neurological, or has she experienced trauma in her life and the depression is a post-trauma symptom? I'm guessing the latter being as you mention she doesn't have actual friendships with other people and that's very often associated with trust and self-esteem problems developed whilst engaged in abusive relationships, and also the suicide ideation fits in with this. Social isolation, combined with not wanting to have children, (or being afraid of having children), can be the result of severe childhood trauma. Are you in the loop with her therapy, does she talk to you about how it's going or tell you what she discusses with her therapist? I ask because if she's been seeing the therapist for 3-4 years you could expect to see some progress if they're any good at their job. Sadly, there's plenty of incompetent practitioners who do more damage than good. I'm mentioning this because your question relates to whether you should push the issue of moving in with your GF despite her mental health situation. I think her 'no friends' thing is caused by much more serious circumstances than her at one time having a bunch of superficial and parasitic people around, and you need to know what's really going on with her before you make a more serious commitment. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Zeroheath said:

The idea is on hold, but I am trying to figure out if it's on hold, or is something that will never happen.

That's good. She seems to feel suffocated already so instead of "progressing", backing off and giving her room to breathe is a better approach. No one wants to feel defective so please stop trying to fix and change her. She's getting medical care and it's for her to decide about that.

It's disappointing she doesn't want to move in at this time or as quickly as you would like, but I suppose it's like the saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink". In fact backing off may help the situation more than anything else. 

[Zeroheath]

3 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

What sort of depression does she suffer with? Is it neurological, or has she experienced trauma in her life and the depression is a post-trauma symptom? I'm guessing the latter being as you mention she doesn't have actual friendships with other people and that's very often associated with trust and self-esteem problems developed whilst engaged in abusive relationships, and also the suicide ideation fits in with this. Social isolation, combined with not wanting to have children, (or being afraid of having children), can be the result of severe childhood trauma. Are you in the loop with her therapy, does she talk to you about how it's going or tell you what she discusses with her therapist? I ask because if she's been seeing the therapist for 3-4 years you could expect to see some progress if they're any good at their job. Sadly, there's plenty of incompetent practitioners who do more damage than good. I'm mentioning this because your question relates to whether you should push the issue of moving in with your GF despite her mental health situation. I think her 'no friends' thing is caused by much more serious circumstances than her at one time having a bunch of superficial and parasitic people around, and you need to know what's really going on with her before you make a more serious commitment. 

Thank you for your reply.

It's post trauma. When she was a kid, her parents left her with the relatives for one year and they went working abroad. It affected her a lot. I am not in the loop with her therapy because she doesn't talk about what is happening there and I gaved her the privacy needed. But since I've been with her, I didn't see any improvements. On the opposite, if I might say because her job became overwhelming and she is someone who brings work problems home.

The friends thing is something I can only speculate. I noticed it last Christmas when she burst into tears after some people she knew cancelled on us. When we hooked up she was calling "friends" all of the friends of her ex who she spent 6 months. Of course none of them called or talked with her. When I first met her in 2013, she was with two girls, both really toxic, slippery and this Christmas, when I was with her parents, she said something about one of them and her dad started: that was a **** who took you for granted. It's funny she still has a picture with them near the bed, all three of them. 

She is peculiar. Another thing was this past weeks when we went to those people who cancelled last Christmas and at some point we were playing Youtube random funny music videos, all of us. Except her, she was trying to show everyone else some really good music, but that was not the case there. And I was trying to bail her out gently because people were looking awkwardly. And noticed she wasn't getting the hints, she didn't feel the room at all.

So, I think she either is not getting the help needed or she is not following the therapy right.

@basil67

No, she is not getting any.

I live in a country where therapist are not giving antidepresants instantly or if there isn't a severe issue that needs urgent care.

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Zeroheath said:

I live in a country where therapist are not giving antidepresants instantly or if there isn't a severe issue that needs urgent care.

I would kindly suggest that if she is not noticing improvement after 3-4 years of therapy, it’s time to consider medication. That’s not giving antidepressants “instantly.” Also, if she has talked about suicide in the past and she is not able to move forward at work/with her relationships… that is a severe issue that requires care. 

I don’t think you can progress a relationship with someone who is significantly depressed. I personally would not move in with her unless/until I noticed a significant improvement in her mental health. My suggestions would be a) she find a new therapist b) she start exercising if she is not already active and c) find a physician/psychiatrist and have an honest discussion about medication. 

[Zeroheath]

@BaileyB

My two cents is suicide is behind her. It happened while she was young, intoxicated and I sense that it wasn't calculated.

But with the rest you are spot on, but how do you start this discussion without getting a super defensive reaction from her?

[MsJayne]

14 minutes ago, Zeroheath said:

When she was a kid, her parents left her with the relatives for one year and they went working abroad.

Maybe some feelings of abandonment, and some questioning of whether her parents actually loved her. 

14 minutes ago, Zeroheath said:

 It's funny she still has a picture with them near the bed, all three of them. 

Maybe the only time in her life that she felt part of a friendship circle? Or proof that she has had friendship, a reminder. 

14 minutes ago, Zeroheath said:

And noticed she wasn't getting the hints, she didn't feel the room at all.

Is this a regular thing for her? If yes, this can be an indicator of spectrum disorders. A qualified practitioner is the only source of reliable diagnosis of that. Not relating well to others can also just be a symptom of overwhelming social anxiety, so you would need to approach this subject with sensitivity and understanding. Maybe read up on social anxiety before you raise the topic. I suggest academic articles rather than pop psychology websites . 

14 minutes ago, Zeroheath said:

So, I think she either is not getting the help needed or she is not following the therapy right.

I agree based on what you're saying. Therapists are not God, though many of them think they are and avoid referring a client on to someone more qualified because their ego, (or lack of clients), prevents them from doing so. I suggest you sit her down, approach with kindness and empathy, and suggest an assessment from a different practitioner. With the right kind of help you might see enormous improvement in her well-being and attitude towards life. 

 

[Zeroheath]

5 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Maybe some feelings of abandonment, and some questioning of whether her parents actually loved her.

Yeah. She talked to me about this and told me exactly this.

6 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Maybe the only time in her life that she felt part of a friendship circle? Or proof that she has had friendship, a reminder. 

This also, but here I am only speculating. 

7 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Is this a regular thing for her? If yes, this can be an indicator of spectrum disorders. A qualified practitioner is the only source of reliable diagnosis of that. Not relating well to others can also just be a symptom of overwhelming social anxiety, so you would need to approach this subject with sensitivity and understanding. Maybe read up on social anxiety before you raise the topic. I suggest academic articles rather than pop psychology websites . 

 

Yes. We talked a bit early on about that she hates when her opinion is not listened, it happened many times so here is the reaction. So it might have something to do with that. To show something to people and for them to listen, but doing it in bad moments when it becomes super awkward.

But don't get me wrong, she is not shy when we meet people. Just has awkward moments

My concern is if I raise the topic, she might go into defensive mode.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I would kindly suggest that if she is not noticing improvement after 3-4 years of therapy, it’s time to consider medication. That’s not giving antidepressants “instantly.” Also, if she has talked about suicide in the past and she is not able to move forward at work/with her relationships… that is a severe issue that requires care. 

Indeed.  If she's been working hard at therapy for years and it's not working and her life has stalled, then it's time to seek additional support.  

Edit to add: if you suggest medication and she gets super defensive over it, then the relationship may not be sustainable.  

Edited January 7 by basil67

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, Zeroheath said:

We talked a bit early on about that she hates when her opinion is not listened, it happened many times so here is the reaction.

Can you give an example of the kind of opinions she's giving?   In particular, are they opinions about things which involve her?  

[BaileyB]

With the understanding that you can not do it for her, all you can do OP is tell her that you are concerned for her when you make the suggestion that she reconsider her treatment plan. And when you are ready, you tell her that you love her but that you will not move in with her/continue dating her as you are not compatible for a future together… 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Zeroheath said:

My concern is if I raise the topic, she might go into defensive mode.

Please don't play amateur psychiatrist with someone else's health. She is seeing a qualified therapist.

  Please stop trying to fix and change her into someone she is not. It's understandable she feels defensive.

Please understand that she is not your project, she's a human being with thoughts, feelings and a mind of her own .