How to progress in a relationship with a partner that is depressed?

[robaday]

What's more important to you moving in together or being with her? You mention a fair amount of things that are still good with the relationship, really important things that show compatibility, are you ready to throw that away over this? I have experienced depression, and that alone time allows me to gather strength to be there for my partner. One thing I picked up on in your post:

"She was very upset we are sitting on the couch and watch tv series or chill after work lately instead of doing things. I pointed out that I came up with different plans (walk after work, drive somewhere etc) but she was too tired to do anything."

I get this and have experienced this before, where I have suggested things they have been declined and then the person is unhappy not doing things. One way of approaching it is reframing it to "I am going to go for a walk by the sea and grab a drink while the sun is still up, wanna join me?". I have found that gets better results sometimes (I'm not sure why?). 

[IrinaM]

8 hours ago, Zeroheath said:

The friends thing is something I can only speculate. I noticed it last Christmas when she burst into tears after some people she knew cancelled on us. When we hooked up she was calling "friends" all of the friends of her ex who she spent 6 months. Of course none of them called or talked with her. When I first met her in 2013, she was with two girls, both really toxic, slippery and this Christmas, when I was with her parents, she said something about one of them and her dad started: that was a **** who took you for granted. It's funny she still has a picture with them near the bed, all three of them. 

She is peculiar. Another thing was this past weeks when we went to those people who cancelled last Christmas and at some point we were playing Youtube random funny music videos, all of us. Except her, she was trying to show everyone else some really good music, but that was not the case there. And I was trying to bail her out gently because people were looking awkwardly. And noticed she wasn't getting the hints, she didn't feel the room at all.

A lot of the way you talk about her makes it sound like she's some random woman who is beneath you.

The stuff you don't like about her is nothing really that crazy. is it possible you're looking to find fault? Most 36-year-olds don't really have "friends," it's very typical in this day and age to be consumed with work and survival at your age. Life isn't like a tv show.

And also, it seems like she socializes just fine. Things like getting betrayed or acting awkward at a get together aren't proof that she has no friends, these are actually the kind of things that happen when you do have friends. I don't even see the issue with the party, it seems like everyone was just looking at YouTube videos. And her being taken advantage of in the past by a friend isn't some sort of evidence that should be used against her. Is it? I wonder if you're hard on her, and this might contribute to her not wanting to live with you. (also, fwiw, her dad doesn't exactly sound like mr. supportive.)

[Zeroheath]

5 hours ago, robaday said:

What's more important to you moving in together or being with her? You mention a fair amount of things that are still good with the relationship, really important things that show compatibility, are you ready to throw that away over this? I have experienced depression, and that alone time allows me to gather strength to be there for my partner. One thing I picked up on in your post:

"She was very upset we are sitting on the couch and watch tv series or chill after work lately instead of doing things. I pointed out that I came up with different plans (walk after work, drive somewhere etc) but she was too tired to do anything."

I get this and have experienced this before, where I have suggested things they have been declined and then the person is unhappy not doing things. One way of approaching it is reframing it to "I am going to go for a walk by the sea and grab a drink while the sun is still up, wanna join me?". I have found that gets better results sometimes (I'm not sure why?). 

Gonna try that. Sound like something that might work.

Regarding the first part, I think it's important to understand how we stand. If she is not ready to move at all, ever, then we are stuck and I will have to move on because I think it would be fair to put something I want under the rug. I know moving in is a risk, but is a risk I want to take because I love her and I want more.

If she doesn't, I can accept that. But I need to know. But yeah, I will not force her, will try to give her the space for the moment, but will need to think on what is good overall.

2 hours ago, IrinaM said:

A lot of the way you talk about her makes it sound like she's some random woman who is beneath you.

The stuff you don't like about her is nothing really that crazy. is it possible you're looking to find fault? Most 36-year-olds don't really have "friends," it's very typical in this day and age to be consumed with work and survival at your age. Life isn't like a tv show.

And also, it seems like she socializes just fine. Things like getting betrayed or acting awkward at a get together aren't proof that she has no friends, these are actually the kind of things that happen when you do have friends. I don't even see the issue with the party, it seems like everyone was just looking at YouTube videos. And her being taken advantage of in the past by a friend isn't some sort of evidence that should be used against her. Is it? I wonder if you're hard on her, and this might contribute to her not wanting to live with you. (also, fwiw, her dad doesn't exactly sound like mr. supportive.)

Nobody said I don't like she doesn't have friends. It is something I've noticed that she has work and me. That is her routine. There is no one to go and chill, have a coffee with. And I want that for her. And who is using the evidence about her being taken advantage? Me being hard on her, what do you mean by that?

Please read again what I said about the party and the Youtube part. Better yet, read all of it. 

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

Can you give an example of the kind of opinions she's giving?   In particular, are they opinions about things which involve her?  

At think at work is one example. She was promoted, but still people treat her like she was not and "her opinion" is not fully respected. She mentioned this is another childhood trauma (she didn't use the word trauma, but "issue") that she has today, because same, her voice was not heard in her childhood buy her relatives. 

I get this also, people find it hard to identify work superiority with people that used to be at the same level with. Happens to all of us I guess.

Edited January 8 by Zeroheath

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Zeroheath said:

 I will have to move on because I think it would be fair to put something I want under the rug. 

 That is her routine. There is no one to go and chill, have a coffee with. And I want that for her. 

Unfortunately this is true. You would like a live in GF and she's not on board with that so it's creating an impasse.

You also seem incompatible in many ways. For example maybe she's more introverted and sort of a homebody. Where you prefer socializing and going out more 

Neither is right or wrong. She shouldn't have to have friends to chill and have coffee with because you think she should.  It seems you're having difficulty facing all the incompatibilities. But perhaps it's time to reflect if settings each other free may be less frustrating for both of you? 

She could stay home and relax and be herself and you could find someone who wants to live together and go out and do things a lot. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Zeroheath said:

I live in a country where therapist are not giving antidepresants instantly or if there isn't a severe issue that needs urgent care.

This is very revealing. If someone needs mediation to be with you, you're with the wrong person, unfortunately. 

You may love her but some incompatibilities especially fundamental basics like personality and goals are insurmountable and basically living together could prove to be a catastrophic mistake. 

[Zeroheath]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You also seem incompatible in many ways. For example maybe she's more introverted and sort of a homebody. Where you prefer socializing and going out more 

No, I actually don't.  But I understand for the relationship to work we need to do stuff, not stay on the couch.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Zeroheath said:

 I understand for the relationship to work we need to do stuff, not stay on the couch.

Exactly. This is basically incompatibly. She seems like a couch potato and this is her way to unwind and relax however this doesn't suit you. 

[Zeroheath]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. This is basically incompatibly. She seems like a couch potato and this is her way to unwind and relax however this doesn't suit you. 

Again, I have no problems staying on the couch with her.

What I pointed out is she said we didn't do anything lately and felt sad/bad about it, even if, as I mentioned, tried many times to do stuff outside.

[Lotsgoingon]

I wouldn't date someone who suffers from prolonged depression. And depression runs in my family. I was not in a place to be a good partner when I was suffering through depression. 

I totally wouldn't date someone who doesn't get AGGRESSIVE treatment for their depression. 

If the person doesn't systematically try five to ten different therapists and therapeutic approaches and if the person doesn't systematically try out about 20 different antidepression medications, I won't stay. 

[basil67]

Her wanting to stay home all the time - but at the same time missing going - out is the depression talking.  I know it doesn't make sense, but that's because her brain isn't functioning as it should.   Again, I urge you talk with her about seeing her doctor to discussion medication.

As one wise poster said above, this isn't a brief sadness.  This has been going on for years and is negatively affecting her life and relationship

[Zeroheath]

Something is going on with her clearly.

Last night she was very agitated, at first because at the grocery shop, the clerk had to rip appart some asparagus she had to buy because they couldn't scan it and that meant she had to cook it last night. Then this morning got really upset because the garbage truck came to pick up Christmas trees and she forgot to put all the branches she cut from the garden last week. Was upset because she didn't do it last night, like she wanted too.

She was really upset with those things. In the morning tried to cheer her up and kiss her and joked a bit, but she was clearly stressed.

Except those things, last night she was a bit agitated, as I mentioned, like she couldn't just stay for a moment in a place. I was reading something and she was all over me because I wasn't paying attention. As the night moved on, asked her if she is ok with therapy, if she is satisfied with her therapist and she said yes. I said she looks she has a lot on going on and hopefully her therapist will help and she said she will.

That was the end of it. Didn't wanted to push things when is clearly she is ok with her.