Met a doppelgänger of a former crush

[lavenderandvelvet]

I have an old crush/one that got away. 

Recently I went to a party and met someone who reminded me of him in multiple ways. First up he was similar looking - they could be cousins. I also found out he was from a town near where the other guy grew up. They had similar personalities and similar interests. 

I now realize I had a previously unarticulated type in terms of looks, vibes, temperament, and interests that I have been connecting with the most over the last several years.

At the party, we had a good conversation. Good overlap of common interests. At the end of the evening, we all said goodbyes. He gave me hug and it was like surprise there is some chemistry there. And we exchanged social contact info. After a couple weeks (this was around the holidays) we messaged and scheduled an outing. 

The evening was loosely scheduled around having drinks and exploring a nearby neighborhood. And going in it looked like he anticipated a longer outing. Which was fine by me.

We got started at the first place and got lost in conversation. Which was great, and I started getting some slightly unclear signals if it was a friendly outing or a romantic one. We were connecting of course, but it felt like it could go either way. There wasn’t necessarily any physical contact (eg the arm touches), but positive body language. 

We make two more stops, getting food and whatnot. And now it has been around 5 hours of spending time together. We have covered a ton of topics, easy and hard. But nothing really on dating/relationship goals.

He suggests some next steps: go home, see if anything else is open, listen music at his place. Usually I do not like to go to someone’s place, but I was still having fun. And he was regularly checking in on on my comfort throughout the evening so it felt safe. And still the unclear vibes.

The more we chatted, it became more clear that he was quite similar and quite different from the old crush, but they are absolutely cut from the same cloth. It must be in the water there.

So we end up at his place, he gives me a tour and offers me a non-alcoholic beverage. While things are getting setup, he catches me off guard by kissing me. It wasn’t unwelcome, but it was surprising because I hadn’t felt we had that much physical contact all evening. It was spontaneous not forced. Things started to get a little too heated for me, so I slowed things down. And he was fine with it. 

We continued to talk and listen to music for a couple of hours.  And here he was lightly affectionate.  And I went home. 

It was an excellent first date, but I need make sure my brain is separating these similar folks. 

And I hope it all continues. I felt very connected and comfortable. We had lots to talk about and comfortable silences. But the next time needs a chat on what we are looking for at this moment. 

I am likely to get very attached if I am intimate with someone where it starts with intellectual chemistry. And I don’t wanna risk it unless we are in the same page. That part is the hardest for me to find and what I really need most, and allows me to have the best physical chemistry. But I have run into good physical chemistry without the deep intellectual and it falls apart. And in the past i didn’t realize this was a big issue for me. 

[FredEire]

Just sounds like you are figuring things out at the beginning, pretty normal. Does it feel weird that he resembles/reminds you of someone you used to have feelings for but it didn't work out? If you can treat this as an entirely separate thing (which it is), then I don't think there's really much of a problem other than the normal first dates stuff.

Edited January 7, 2024 by FredEire

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

Things started to get a little too heated for me, so I slowed things down.  I don’t wanna risk it unless we are in the same page. 

It seems like a great date and connection so far. However it's one date and slowing down to get to know him better is a great idea. 

[lavenderandvelvet]

59 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Just sounds like you are figuring things out at the beginning, pretty normal. Does it feel weird that he resembles/reminds you of someone you used to have feelings for but it didn't work out? If you can treat this as an entirely separate thing (which it is), then I don't think there's really much of a problem other than the normal first dates stuff.

It kinda does but not in a serious way. I know it is a separate thing.  But maybe I also need to openly acknowledge some preferences I didn’t know I had.  And maybe unpack those a little. And some of those could possibly be an interesting conversation with him too. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

So we end up at his place, he gives me a tour and offers me a non-alcoholic beverage. While things are getting setup, he catches me off guard by kissing me. It wasn’t unwelcome, but it was surprising because I hadn’t felt we had that much physical contact all evening. It was spontaneous not forced. Things started to get a little too heated for me, so I slowed things down. And he was fine with it. 

Clearly you weren't looking for a one-night stand or sex, so you shouldn't have come back to his place.  When a guy invites you back to his place on a first date, that's basically code for sex.  It's great that he respected your choices and didn't push the issue too much, but it's best not to go back to a guy's place on a first date if you are not wanting to have sex so soon.

And also..... stop comparing him to your old crush.  They are two completely different people.  It just doesn't seem healthy or productive to create these connections in your mind between the two of them.

[Alpacalia]

Please prioritize your safety.

While most individuals have good intentions, you don’t even “know” somebody at all on a first date.

Get to know him more. Are there plans for a second date?

[FredEire]

55 minutes ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

It kinda does but not in a serious way. I know it is a separate thing.  But maybe I also need to openly acknowledge some preferences I didn’t know I had.  And maybe unpack those a little. And some of those could possibly be an interesting conversation with him too. 

Yeah. I think it's quite normal. I'm 30 now and I'm only realising also that I probably do have a bit of a physical/personality "type" after never really thinking I did before.

You should chat with him if it becomes an issue down the line. I would be careful how you phrase it though as "you remind me of my ex" comes off as something that would send a lot of guys running.

All a bit too far in the future though. Just enjoy it for now and see where it goes, don't create too many barriers unnecessarily.

[smackie9]

Just my opinion but when a guy asks you back to his place on a first date, sex is all he's looking for. I think you felt that vibe even before he asked you.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

Met a doppelgänger of a former crush

Yes, but please keep in mind that's not who he is. Please take your time getting to know each other. 

[lavenderandvelvet]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, but please keep in mind that's not who he is. Please take your time getting to know each other. 

Yup. He is his own person. But it can be a little weird to meet people who are similar to people from other life phases.  And also a reminder that I feel more connected to people that have certain childhood experiences I really end relating to a lot.  And maybe subconsciously that is probably one thing I am attracted to as well and I end up finding those folks in the world as well.  The commonality is mostly around world view and life approach.  Which is what made it uncanny.  

[lavenderandvelvet]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Just my opinion but when a guy asks you back to his place on a first date, sex is all he's looking for. I think you felt that vibe even before he asked you.

I know what you mean. But this was the one time I didn’t get that vibe during the date it could have totally been a friend date up to that point. 😂

And I have had similar getting to know you outings, where the guy invited me back and his intentions were purely friendly and the vibes were more flirty than this one. 

The read I was getting was leaning friendly.  

Edited January 7, 2024 by lavenderandvelvet
Additional anecdote

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

I know what you mean. But this was the one time I didn’t get that vibe during the date it could have totally been a friend date up to that point. 😂

He didn't show any romantic intentions until you were back at his place...

Need to work on picking up on those vibes more. 

Edited January 7, 2024 by Alpacalia

[lavenderandvelvet]

12 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He didn't show any romantic intentions until you were back at his place...

Need to work on picking up on those vibes more. 

I don’t always get all of them. But in this case he definitely wasn’t doing more than being engaged in the conversation and maintaining eye contact. Which is also what happens when you are vibing on a friendly level. 

Usually I find the ones that are trying to have sex sooner are a lot more touchy. They throw in some compliments. And he wasn’t at all doing any of the usuals. And I do mean like nada. Not even the usually things around arm touches and what not that can come up in friendly conversations! Haha didn’t even pick up an opportunity at one of our stops when a random patron sitting next to us paid me a compliment. LOL. 

So I was leaning towards friends with good chemistry, based all that happened.  And would have also been a fine outcome because we had lots in common and to talk about.  
 

He did have a throw away comment at his house where he said he is not very aggressive. So that adds to the context on him. And I usually end up on dates with men who are more aggressive so the intent is more clear! 

But in the other hand that wasn’t the vibe I got from him when I met him.  Maybe that day he was bolstered by liquid courage to close with the contact info. 

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

I don’t always get all of them. But in this case he definitely wasn’t doing more than being engaged in the conversation and maintaining eye contact. Which is also what happens when you are vibing on a friendly level. 

Usually I find the ones that are trying to have sex sooner are a lot more touchy. They throw in some compliments. And he wasn’t at all doing any of the usuals. And I do mean like nada. Not even the usually things around arm touches and what not that can come up in friendly conversations! Haha didn’t even pick up an opportunity at one of our stops when a random patron sitting next to us paid me a compliment. LOL. 

So I was leaning towards friends with good chemistry, based all that happened.  And would have also been a fine outcome because we had lots in common and to talk about.  
 

He did have a throw away comment at his house where he said he is not very aggressive. So that adds to the context on him. And I usually end up on dates with men who are more aggressive so the intent is more clear! 

But in the other hand that wasn’t the vibe I got from him when I met him.  Maybe that day he was bolstered by liquid courage to close with the contact info. 

So do you have plans for a second date? I have had a man once that invited me to his on a second outing, I declined, and he took me out for the second outing. It was a nice date too, we were walking and there was a puddle on the ground, and he gently grabbed my waste and twirled me over the puddle. 😁

[mark clemson]

We only have so many crushes who got away and so many actual lovers in life. So I think his similar appearance to the other guy bodes well for how much you will enjoy the relationship IF he doesn't turn out to have a bad personality or other problem issues (sounds like so far, so good but it's quite early).

Be a little cautious if/when you eventually discuss this with him, as people can be quite sensitive about these things and you don't want to upset him over an aspect of him that you find appealing.

Edited January 8, 2024 by mark clemson

[lavenderandvelvet]

On 1/7/2024 at 1:07 PM, Alpacalia said:

So do you have plans for a second date? I have had a man once that invited me to his on a second outing, I declined, and he took me out for the second outing. It was a nice date too, we were walking and there was a puddle on the ground, and he gently grabbed my waste and twirled me over the puddle. 😁

That is really cute. I am also a sucker for chivalry.  And I may go as far as having a geographic preference.  Haha I will give you bonus points if you are from one of the places that tends to be more chivalrous (he got bonus points for this and delivered. 😂)

We are coordinating on date 2. I have a busy week over the next several days with both work and social stuff).  Not sure what the location should be. Or time of day!

[lavenderandvelvet]

16 hours ago, mark clemson said:

We only have so many crushes who got away and so many actual lovers in life. So I think his similar appearance to the other guy bodes well for how much you will enjoy the relationship IF he doesn't turn out to have a bad personality or other problem issues (sounds like so far, so good but it's quite early).

Be a little cautious if/when you eventually discuss this with him, as people can be quite sensitive about these things and you don't want to upset him over an aspect of him that you find appealing.

Good point. But I am now realizing that my two closest guy friends are similar in looks too! Haha maybe it’ll all seem suspicious. One of those friends is not local though.

This really was an unconscious pattern. They are not similar other than the broadest strokes of being nerdy (as am I) so that doesn’t really count.  But the first of the male friends I am over 20 years of friendship with him at this point. And there was never any dating. Friends from the jump. 

But this hasn’t been a looks type I have generally dated at all. The physical things I am drawn to are not that specific. And a lot of it is vibes over features.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

We are coordinating on date 2. I have a busy week over the next several days with both work and social stuff).  Not sure what the location should be. Or time of day!

This is the important thing. There seems to be mutual interest and chemistry. Pick a mutually convenient time and place and try to get to know him. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

That is really cute. I am also a sucker for chivalry.  And I may go as far as having a geographic preference.  Haha I will give you bonus points if you are from one of the places that tends to be more chivalrous (he got bonus points for this and delivered. 😂)

We are coordinating on date 2. I have a busy week over the next several days with both work and social stuff).  Not sure what the location should be. Or time of day!

Yes, I thought so too😚

I can't say I have ever been on a first date where the guy hasn't been. I'm not sure it's location but I believe it's more the style of the person and the values they possess. So I could be from anywhere really.

Date two, woohoo! Well, let's see some options and I can give you some feedback. One time, I picked a location that had happy hour so that it was easy on the wallet for the meeting.

They had really yummer appetizers on the menu that were $5 and filling enough to skip a meal if that was a goal for someone. We could go earlier. I believe it started at 4pm. Or I have live music ideas and a couple of access to some other interests that a date might share. I would say that we may have an interest or two in common but I will leave that for a later conversation. 

Has he suggested anywhere? Try not to make it a super long date. Keep the first few dates short. It's easy to become TOO comfortable with someone too fast. Take this time to get to know each other at a nice and steady pace. Keep things somewhat private in the beginning, until you know where you want this to go. Okay, that's enough advice for the day. Have fun on your second date and please post back. I want a full update!

Edited January 9, 2024 by Alpacalia

[princessaurora]

My husband has a very similar personality to my first love from high school, but I didn't know that until I got to know him. They are both very intellectual and have a passion for philosophy and english lit. Physically,, they are not doppelgangers, but they do both have baby faces, but that was apparently my type all through dating. I liked guys with that baby face look as my friends pointed out. 

We went to his place on our first date too, but all we did was kiss and I'm the one who initiated. lol It's possible he may have just decided to kiss you on a whim and didn't have any plans for sex. He may have just been really attracted and went for it. I think the fact he offered you non alcohol at his place shows he wasn't trying to get you drunk so he could take advantage of you or lower your inhibitions, so he does seem to be respectful. But like others have said, you do have to be careful going back to a guy's place because some of them do associate it with sex. But in this case, he continued to spend time with you talking and listening to music, so he sounds like a good guy so far. 

Just take your time getting to know him and don't rush into anything. Even though hubs and I were kissing from the beginning we didn't actually have sex for a few months, but you'll know when the time is right if things progress. Good luck with your second date. Looking forward to hearing about it. 

 

[lavenderandvelvet]

22 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, I thought so too😚

I can't say I have ever been on a first date where the guy hasn't been. I'm not sure it's location but I believe it's more the style of the person and the values they possess. So I could be from anywhere really.

 

Oh man. I think it can be location dependent. And also age. And also ethnic group.  I live on the west coast and many men don’t do the basics like open doors. So I notice the ones that do.  

[Alpacalia]

Just now, lavenderandvelvet said:

Oh man. I think it can be location dependent. And also age. And also ethnic group.  I live on the west coast and many men don’t do the basics like open doors. So I notice the ones that do.  

Well, sure. I mean, if you travel to say, compton, you might see a different level of kindness and courtesy than you’re used to. I think you’re right that age and culture may play a factor as well. Some people seem like feral cats with baseball hats… I lived on the west coast and the east coast of the US. And I think people act mildly different everywhere. But the baseline level of courtesy or kindness might change depending on each state. The east coast people were definitely more rough around the edges, but generally as nice deep down as anyone else.

[lavenderandvelvet]

22 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Date two, woohoo! Well, let's see some options and I can give you some feedback. One time, I picked a location that had happy hour so that it was easy on the wallet for the meeting.

Has he suggested anywhere? Try not to make it a super long date. Keep the first few dates short. It's easy to become TOO comfortable with someone too fast. Take this time to get to know each other at a nice and steady pace. Keep things somewhat private in the beginning, until you know where you want this to go. Okay, that's enough advice for the day. Have fun on your second date and please post back. I want a full update!

We’ll see. Now dealing with tricky scheduling. The next couple of weeks are tricky and I have 10 days of travel coming up. And he is traveling too.  But we’ll find time! 

Already failed on the short dates. 😂 The first one was like 9 hours.  But it doesn’t help that I am a chatty person.  We covered a good amount of ground on the first one conversation wise. But there are still plenty more things.  

And based on my preferences on the first one he should have some good insight on what I like. During date one we went to a couple cocktail bars and a casual eatery. And we talked a bit about the food we like.  

I’ll update as more happens. 

I also realized he is very similar (looks wise) to two of my male friends. It really must be an unintentional theme. 

[lavenderandvelvet]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, sure. I mean, if you travel to say, compton, you might see a different level of kindness and courtesy than you’re used to. I think you’re right that age and culture may play a factor as well. Some people seem like feral cats with baseball hats… I lived on the west coast and the east coast of the US. And I think people act mildly different everywhere. But the baseline level of courtesy or kindness might change depending on each state. The east coast people were definitely more rough around the edges, but generally as nice deep down as anyone else.

I find that in the dating context men from the Midwest, the east coast, the south, southern Europe, the Middle East, Africa, and Latin America tend to be more apt to be a bit more chivalrous. West coast, Australia, and Northern Europe not so much. 

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

We’ll see. Now dealing with tricky scheduling. The next couple of weeks are tricky and I have 10 days of travel coming up. And he is traveling too.  But we’ll find time! 

Already failed on the short dates. 😂 The first one was like 9 hours.  But it doesn’t help that I am a chatty person.  We covered a good amount of ground on the first one conversation wise. But there are still plenty more things.  

And based on my preferences on the first one he should have some good insight on what I like. During date one we went to a couple cocktail bars and a casual eatery. And we talked a bit about the food we like.  

I’ll update as more happens. 

I also realized he is very similar (looks wise) to two of my male friends. It really must be an unintentional theme. 

Everyone seems to travel when they first start dating. 😂

Is there any particular reason you're interest is directed at the guy possibly being similar to your old crush/one that got away or that he looks similar to your two male friends in the story?

Just curious is all.