My Bi girlfriend told me she grown interest in girls and told me she doesn't love me romantically anymore. She told me if I don't want to give up, we can restart from dating again.

[Trisk]

TLDR: Me 22-year-old straight male in a 3-year relationship with 23-year-old bisexual girlfriend. We had a long-distance relationship for 8 months. During a recent video call, she expressed a shift in interest, no longer seeing me romantically but more as a brother. There's uncertainty about her sexual orientation. The relationship faces challenges, including misunderstandings and interference from a tomboy roommate in Bangkok. The girlfriend's mom and brother support the relationship, urging us to meet face-to-face. Despite a recent fight and a brief breakup mention, the girlfriend's family is encouraging reconciliation during the upcoming visit to Bangkok. The situation is complex and emotions are high.

I’m 22 years old male(straight) and my girlfriend 23 years old female(Bi) are in 3 years and 2 months relationship. We had ldrs for 8 months now. We engaged a video call last few days ago. She revealed to me that she shifted her interest to explore the other side of her after living in Bangkok with a tomboy roommate which I wasn’t a fan of. She would be very sensitive whenever I engaged talking about that tomboy or her other friends thinking that I’m too untrustful to her and felt forceful.
 

While video calling, she told me that she also doesn’t find herself loving me as romance anymore and that she loves me as her brother, close family. She told me she thought about it for months thinking about our families and friends and our long lasting relationship. She told me she didn’t want that to he happened like this way. She said if I still don’t want to give up, she told me when I move to bangkok for my studying, she’s willing to date with me. If I want to give up, she said she’s ready to give up too. I asked her straight out “is she seeing someone already?” And she said she don't but I had my doubts with that tomboy till now because she started turned cold towards me around early December had something to do with that tomboy. That tomboy cared of her a lot like buying pills for her period, cooking with her, and so on, I don’t want to talk anymore about that. I also asked her straight “Are you still Bi or are you filly turned?” And she told me “she doesn’t have an answer to that yet.”

I told her family members about this issue and especially her mom, she doesn’t want us to part away and she tried to convince both of us. When she talked with her daughter, I’ve heard things I’ve never heard from my gf about how I was not that caring of her anymore lately and that she’s been longing for them and that she missed the old me. Her mom told me we’re just being far from each other and that this affected both of us while that tomboy is caring for her daughter and her mom told me that her daughter has that side of her which easily mistakenly thought of those careness as a love because she’s been far from me in her experience.

Her mom also heard a story from me too and she understood that I was really caring of her too and that we’re just not reading each other understandingly. After hearing our stories, her mom told me not to give up and that she will convince her too. Her mom told me based on her experience that we’re just having big miscommunication and big misunderstanding and doesn’t want me to give up on her. Her mom told us we’re just being immature and that her daughter is just being ridiculous about this all and that she’ll talk some sense into her.

I also talked with her brother a lot and he supported me, he told me he knows her sister behaviour and that she’s like that sometimes and that he will try to get her back to senses because this is 3 years relationship we’re talking about. He also told me we need to meet face to face and talk face to face if possible after me, her brother and her mother talking in video group call and her mom agreed too.

I’ve already planned 5 days visit a visit to Bangkok two months ago already to lead my relative cousin mom to my cousin and planned to spend time with my gf after that. My gf already has address of a place I will live at and she already took two off days to meet with me. She told me she planned to tell me on that day at first but I happened to make her spill the tea before that. So we’re going to meet face to face and talk this out. 

Btw, today we happened to have a big fight and I happened to make like a breakup with her. She’s sad and was emotional and told me she cannot even close her eyes and that we would be able to pass through this breakup together, but I shutted her out and she was really sad about it. But thats the time her mom and her bro came in and talked things above out. Her mom called her and she told her mom that I shutted her out and she opened up things to her mon that she didnt tell me about and she also told her mom that she would still come greet me at the airport and spend time with me two days. It’s her mom who’s holding me from breaking up with her and that she knows how we were together back then and we shouldn’t decide immaturely about this temporary thing and that we can fix this. As of right now, I happened to find out my gf deactivated her social media app and coincidentally that tomboy also did deactivated too. Well so because of her mom and her brother, I think I’m going to talk face to face with her in next few days, confront everything in my mind about our case, even about the tomboy and figuring the way out together and I don’t know how things will turn out.

Any advices you guys would love to give me? I would appreciate all. I felt like my situation is really weird and strange.
 

Edited January 7, 2024 by Trisk
Adding TLDR for people who dont want to read long

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Trisk said:

 During a recent video call, she expressed a shift in interest, no longer seeing me romantically but more as a brother. . The girlfriend's mom and brother support the relationship, urging us to meet face-to-face.  

Have you met in person? Unfortunately if she "sees you as a brother", there's no point visiting her. She also seems to be clear she's in a relationship with her roommate. 

[MsJayne]

Sounds like your GF's being influenced by the Tomboy. I would step right back and leave her to it so she can experience the reality of this new relationship, and then, hopefully, realise how silly she's being. The world's gone a bit mad since the social shift of variant sexuality being accepted, and plenty of heterosexual people seem to think that they need to claim alternate sexuality to keep up with the social trend. If your GF is bi-sexual, or homosexual, there's not much you can do about that, but, if she's not bi or gay, then finding herself with the Tomboy as a partner, without you as a fallback, should make her realise she's being ridiculous. 

[Trisk]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person? Unfortunately if she "sees you as a brother", there's no point visiting her. She also seems to be clear she's in a relationship with her roommate. 

We haven’t yet but we will meet on January 16,17. She told me she’s not seeing anyone but yes her brother told me she can be saying anything. And the thing is that tomboy roommate resigned the work and moved out around the end of September. And my gf also told me tomboy is back to bkk around mid November. And she was living alone until then because her roommate moved out. She moved apartment around December 2,3 and that tomboy and one of her friend happened to help her moved her stuffs. She told me her new roommate is a girl who’s a new employee at her work but as her brother told me she can be saying anything and that she could be living with that tomboy. And I’m also suspicious about it because when we were in video call, I saw a guitar hanging on a wardrobe and asked her about it and she told me “Oh that guitar is that tomboy’s and tomboy forgot to take it when tom moved out and tom asked me to keep that guitar and pay it back when tom come back. Thats why I kept it when I moved and forgot to give it back to tom yet.” Well yeah the thing is she didn’t tell me wjo helped her moved to new apartment and I just happened to find out about that tomboy and another girl friend of her helped to move through her friend social media post about them eating out on the day she moved apartment. It could all be coincidence and she would be living with new girl employee or as her brother said, she could be saying anything and she could be living with that tomboy. So if it’s sure she’s in relationship with her roommate, I have to confront to her about that and she has the huge side ego of where she doesn’t want to be known as cheater and she would do anything to fix it like ending contact with tom.

[Trisk]

20 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Sounds like your GF's being influenced by the Tomboy. I would step right back and leave her to it so she can experience the reality of this new relationship, and then, hopefully, realise how silly she's being. The world's gone a bit mad since the social shift of variant sexuality being accepted, and plenty of heterosexual people seem to think that they need to claim alternate sexuality to keep up with the social trend. If your GF is bi-sexual, or homosexual, there's not much you can do about that, but, if she's not bi or gay, then finding herself with the Tomboy as a partner, without you as a fallback, should make her realise she's being ridiculous. 

She was Bisexual and she just couldn’t figure out if she’s fully turned interest to girls or not yet and wanted to explore it. And the thing about that tomboy, if you’re willing to be, please kindly read the one I replied above where I added info about that tomboy.
 

And also during the end of September, that tomboy accompanied her to the bangkok airport, she was happened to be back in home country back to us for a month for her passport issue and university exam. During that month, her mom told me that my gf told her mom she felt lack of attention and careness from me while her mom understood that it was all misunderstanding and lack of communication with each other.
 

I helped her with everything as much as I could that whole month, and I was also dealing with preparing for my ielts exam. So I had classes now and then but I didn’t even take some classes to help her out but she didn’t see them as me caring for her and loving her because she didn’t notice them as I’m normally doing them for her. But my gf would be measuring the new careness she’s getting from that tom and new friends around her in bkk with the old careness from me and she would happened to not see mine much as she’s used to them.
 

Her mom knows that and she convinced her everyday during that month. I saved some money up to buy her the purse she’s wanting for so long but I put priority and give my money to her as she’s in need of money to do her passport and other things during that month. Well yesterday when her mom is talking with her, she told her mom that it’s not like she’s loving me as a brother and that I was lack of attention and careness and that when we said farewell at the airport when she was going back to bangkok, she told her mom that I felt really cold at that time and she couldn’t see me as her bf at that time because of that.

I was holding in my emotions because I was really sad to farewell her again to bangkok and I didnt want her tk see me being sad thats why I tried to smile and we even had a big hug, she hugged her mom and I widespreaded my arms, and her mom cried to her that I’m widespreading my arms and she ran hugging me out. Well I didnt notice it and I didnt also do kiss and things like that because I think it’s inappropriate with her mom beside. That farewell was all misunderstanding and miscommunication of us. And her mom just told her and she just found out.

I dont want to conclude anything like that tomboy is something with her before I clearly know it. And thats the story of past few months.

Edited January 7, 2024 by Trisk

[MsJayne]

13 minutes ago, Trisk said:

I dont want to conclude anything like that tomboy is something with her before I clearly know it. And thats the story of past few months.

Sounds like she says one thing to you and another to her mother and brother, and maybe something else to the Tomboy. I think only time will answer your questions.   

[basil67]

First things first, there is way too much interference by her family here.  Her family should stay out of it, and certainly stop engaging with you or anyone else she's seeing.   Besides, if the only way that she will be your girlfriend is because her mother or brother pressured her, then that's not a relationship you want anyway.   Honestly, if I were in her shoes I'd be mad at you for sharing with them and mad the family for the interfering.  

All in all though, I don't think her sexuality is a big part of the equation. Whether she's straight, gay or bi - she's found someone she cares for more and wishes to explore the future with them.  And she doesn't feel the desire to have sex with you.  Yeah, it's sh*t being dumped for someone else, but you can't make someone love you when they aren't feeling it anymore.  Your role now is to accept the decision and work on moving on.  And please cease contact with her family.

The next time you date, do it with someone who lives near you where you can have a fully functional relationship. There must be any number of lovely young women where you live

 

Edited January 7, 2024 by basil67

[Trisk]

20 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Sounds like she says one thing to you and another to her mother and brother, and maybe something else to the Tomboy. I think only time will answer your questions.   

My gf told me that she wanted a peaceful breakup or take a short break after meeting in bangkok before breakup thing happened. And she also told me we can date again to try again our relationship by not giving up. But if that’s the offer we’re going for I think I need to make sure of that tomboy and need to ask her to be honest and open up about it.

She’s telling me many options and I think it will all clear up when we meet. She told her mom that she will come greet me at airport too and that she will spend two days with me going outdoor and eating foods around hanging out. Between those two days we would also see face to face at cafe or somewhere to talk and discuss this out. That was all planned out before she told her mom about that too.

Should I go meet with her according to her mom and her brother advice? What should I prepare in advance? If we happened to be dating again, would it spark things back between us as she’s still remembering and missing my old me?

Edited January 7, 2024 by Trisk

[Trisk]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

First things first, there is way too much interference by her family here.  Her family should stay out of it, and certainly stop engaging with you or anyone else she's seeing.   Besides, if the only way that she will be your girlfriend is because her mother or brother pressured her, then that's not a relationship you want anyway.   Honestly, if I were in her shoes I'd be mad at you for sharing with them and mad the family for the interfering.  

All in all though, I don't think her sexuality is a big part of the equation. Whether she's straight, gay or bi - she's found someone she cares for more and wishes to explore the future with them.  And she doesn't feel the desire to have sex with you.  Yeah, it's sh*t being dumped for someone else, but you can't make someone love you when they aren't feeling it anymore.  Your role now is to accept the decision and work on moving on.  And please cease contact with her family.

The next time you date, do it with someone who lives near you where you can have a fully functional relationship. There must be any number of lovely young women where you live

 

I don’t know what to decide right now, everything is on stalemate. I was in relationship with her close to me for 2 years and a half. Then suddenly she had problem with relatives and she wanted to leave this country and then work in Bangkok. Thats when we got into ldrs for 8 months.

My family didnt let me follow with her because my family is like traditional asian family, they dont want us to have children or marriage early as we’re still around 22s. But as of things now, I can go study in bangkok as my family is willing me to go and let me live with her. This is very wrong timing.

She told me that she’s not seeing one and she just wanted to explore that side but I dont know it’s just being honest or lie. I could be lying to myself between that tomboy is just friend with her or being roommate with her but the whole tomboy thing I suspected could be just coincidence. Thats why with her family and her quotes, I haven’t came onto decision yet.

Shouldn’t I meet with her next Jan 16,17 and talk this out and discuss? Should I confront to her? That was her idea at first too. And she told her mom she wants to greet me at the airport and hangout two days with me while engaging in discussion on those two days at cafe too. Would dating again bring back our memories back and sparks things again as she hasn’t forgotten them yet too?

Edited January 7, 2024 by Trisk

[basil67]

It doesn't matter if she's attracted particularly to the woman she's living with or whether she just wants to explore dating with women in general.  Either way she's heading in a direction which doesn't include a male partner.

If someone isn't 100% keen on a future with you, don't waste your good years on them.  You can do better if you find a different woman who doesn't have all these complications

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Trisk said:

We haven’t yet but we will meet on January 16,17. 

If you have never met, please cut your losses. She is clearly stating she's not interested in you romantically and she's in a relationship with her "tomboy" friend. Please don't waste money going to visit someone you never met and doesn't want a relationship. 

[Trisk]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It doesn't matter if she's attracted particularly to the woman she's living with or whether she just wants to explore dating with women in general.  Either way she's heading in a direction which doesn't include a male partner.

If someone isn't 100% keen on a future with you, don't waste your good years on them.  You can do better if you find a different woman who doesn't have all these complications

Thank you. I cleared up my mind and already decided right now after I also talked with her brother just right now. She sent voice message to her family that “she wanted peaceful breakup with me, and asked her family to respect and understanding of her decision and that she’s now standing on her own feet in bangkok right now and that she knows who to choose to for her future.”

She cheated clearly on me, that tomboy case is truely true. I choose to take vengeance route to reveal her being a cheater and then move on. I must take responsibility too. I hope you support my choice too.

Edited January 7, 2024 by Trisk

[Trisk]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you have never met, please cut your losses. She is clearly stating she's not interested in you romantically and she's in a relationship with her "tomboy" friend. Please don't waste money going to visit someone you never met and doesn't want a relationship. 

I have to go anyway because I have to accompany my relative to visit to Bangkok to meet with her daughter who’s my cousin. She has my place address and she knows when I will arrive at the airport.

I already decided to stop chasing her and her covered up relationship with tomboy when she was in relationship me is mostly true which means she cheated on me. I will take vengeance route and reveal her being cheater and move on. I’ll take responsibility too as I’m a man who has nothing to lose with love anymore. I hope you support this.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Trisk said:

I have to go anyway because I have to accompany my relative. I will take vengeance route and reveal her being cheater and move on. 

She's not a "cheater". You never met and she was clear that it's not working out and she's interested in someone else. Why start trouble? Please leave her alone. 

[Trisk]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She's not a "cheater". You never met and she was clear that it's not working out and she's interested in someone else. Why start trouble? Please leave her alone. 

She was already in covered-up/silent relationship with that tomboy and living together with that tomboy falling under that tomboy’s careness when she was still in relationship with me. Doesn’t it mean she cheated?

And also she didn’t tell me honestly about her reason to break up with me and she tried to make excuse cover up over the truth and told me that as a reason to break apart with me. She was not even being honest with me until the end.

She that type who easily falls to another’s carings near her when her bf’s busy trying for his career for the relationship’s future. I don’t think gender interest has a role when it comes to cheating.

[basil67]

55 minutes ago, Trisk said:

I choose to take vengeance route to reveal her being a cheater and then move on. I must take responsibility too. I hope you support my choice too.

Please hold onto your dignity and just walk away.  There's no need for vengeance

[ShyViolet]

Why would you even consider trying to save a relationship when the other person has told you they no longer love you romantically and only see you as a brother?  Once they have told you that, have the dignity to walk away.

It was completely inappropriate for you to be talking to her mom and brother about the relationship.  Her family should not have been getting in the middle of it.

And finally, you never even met in person??  This was never even a real relationship then.  She didn't "cheat" on you if you never even had a real, in person relationship.

[Trisk]

Just now, ShyViolet said:

Why would you even consider trying to save a relationship when the other person has told you they no longer love you romantically and only see you as a brother?  Once they have told you that, have the dignity to walk away.

It was completely inappropriate for you to be talking to her mom and brother about the relationship.  Her family should not have been getting in the middle of it.

And finally, you never even met in person??  This was never even a real relationship then.  She didn't "cheat" on you if you never even had a real, in person relationship.

We had 2 years and 6 months lovely relationship close to each other with our townships near to each other with thousands of dates and intimacy. It just happened to be things turning out that she moved away to Bangkok because of the problem with her relatives, thats where our relationship became ldrs for 8 months.

[ShyViolet]

3 minutes ago, Trisk said:

We had 2 years and 6 months lovely relationship close to each other with our townships near to each other with thousands of dates and intimacy. 

Thousands of dates?  You never met in person.  A Zoom or FaceTime call is not a date.  Texting is not dating.  Put down your phone and date someone local.  Learn what real dating is.

There is an epidemic of young people mistaking texting and online interaction for real intimacy.  

[Trisk]

3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Thousands of dates?  You never met in person.  A Zoom or FaceTime call is not a date.  Texting is not dating.  Put down your phone and date someone local.  Learn what real dating is.

There is an epidemic of young people mistaking texting and online interaction for real intimacy.  

We met outdoor meeting each other theatre dates, shopping dates, park dates, home cooking dates, I was talking about those kinda of dates, and I have met her family and her family loves me as well. We also had so many physical intimacies too. We had intercourse many times and we enjoyed it a lot. That lasted for 2 years and 6 months until she moved to Bangkok because of her relative that she hated. Thats when our 8 months ldrs started which was total 3 years and 2 months.

Edited January 8, 2024 by Trisk

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Trisk said:

We met outdoor meeting each other theatre dates, shopping dates, park dates, home cooking dates, I was talking about those kinda of dates, and I have met her family and her family loves me as well. We also had so many physical intimacies too. We had intercourse many times and we enjoyed it a lot. That lasted for 2 years and 6 months until she moved to Bangkok because of her relative that she hated. Thats when our 8 months ldrs started which was total 3 years and 2 months.

You said earlier that you haven't met in person yet.  Ok then this was a miscommunication, maybe a language barrier.

[Trisk]

Just now, ShyViolet said:

You said earlier that you haven't met in person yet.  Ok then this was a miscommunication, maybe a language barrier.

Oh I meant that about us planning to meet in bangkok and talk face to face and discuss something out. While I think she’s wanting to break up peacefully at that time whereas I want to discuss and get an answer to trying again in someway possible.

[mark clemson]

While it's not always easy to do, if someone else genuinely "isn't feeling it anymore" you let them go and focus on someone who IS interested in you. That is the clear-cut and straightforward path. Don't paddle "against the current" if you can help it.

Edited January 8, 2024 by mark clemson

[Trisk]

Just now, mark clemson said:

While it's not always easy to do, if someone else genuinely "isn't feeling it anymore" you let them go and focus on someone who IS interested in you. That is the clear-cut and straightforward path.

Well I don’t feel so suffering now. I’ve decided to take a more challenging path, I’m going to have a talk and discuss with her in bangkok, and try to find an answer with her face to face. And then I will have fun hanging out with her two days including my relative and cousin. And then I’ll go back to my home country and then prepare to study at university in bangkok to pursue my career. On off days, I can hang out with her may be date or may be just hangout, something can spark nobody knows. I can go shopping, eating out, amusement park, theme park, movie theatre with her as she told me so. I found out I also love her as sister, mother, little sister or even worm as our relationship was 3 years and grown into it. I’ll try to fill up her lack parts back even though it would be success or not. It doesn’t matter. What matters is I spend time with her and then both of us feel comfortable and happy. I feel better right now. I’ll go for healthy approach, I wont argue with her upon her choice anymore which led to us angry and argue parade where we were mad at each other.

[d0nnivain]

There's nothing to discuss.  She wants to be with a girl & she wants somebody who is there.  She can't hack an LDR.  So unless you plan to relocate there is nothing to save.  Sorry. 

Talking to her at an airport won't change things.  Don't waste your time.