I have an amazing partner but I feel no connection - do I stay or do I leave?

[Temporary33]

Hello all,

My partner of several years is a very generous, kind, attentive man who bends over backwards to make me happy. I am his #1 priority.  However, I feel there is no connection (emotionally, physically or intellectually). He feels otherwise. I have thought of breaking up multiple times now as I do not wish to waste anyone's time (especially at our age). He deserves someone who truly loves him and treats him the way he treats me. I have made my feelings known but he has been adamant what I give to him is enough for him. He knows I am not in love with him but do care about him deeply. He is an attractive man who keeps himself in shape and would not have a problem finding another woman. 

Is it good enough to have someone who treats you very well or is a connection necessary? Will I regret this if I walk away. Good partners are so hard to come by. 

I am not afraid to be alone. I was alone for 4 years before he came into my life. I am afraid of making a huge mistake that I can't correct.

Thank you for reading and Happy 2024 to everyone.

 

 

Edited January 8 by Temporary33
adding more information

[Alpacalia]

What intrigues me about your words is the idea that "good partners are hard to find."

While I appreciate your perspective, it's important to remember that just because someone treats us well, doesn't automatically make them the right fit for us. Don't hold onto someone simply because they treat you well. Don't take advantage of their love if you don't feel the same. Ask yourself, do you still have a good time together? Do you have common interests and fulfilling discussions? Do you share similar values and dreams? Do you feel a genuine curiosity about each other?

Instead of trying to justify not feeling connected to him anymore, try to understand the root of the issue. Is there a specific reason why your feelings have changed? This will help guide you towards deciding whether to end things or work towards reigniting that spark.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Temporary33 said:

My partner of several years is a very generous, kind, attentive man However, I feel there is no connection (emotionally, physically or intellectually). 

How long have you been together? Was there ever a connection?  If so, when did things change and why? Do you live together? 

[Temporary33]

Hi Alpacalia,

Thank you for your response. I just really need to talk it out with someone instead of playing this conversation over and over in my head (which obviously isn’t the most effective way).
 

I agree that I should never take advantage of someone’s love. This is why I tried to break it off last year. I was very upfront with him why I was breaking it off. I had told him the relationship was very one sided (he being the giver, me being the taker), that I was not “in love” with him and that he deserved to be properly loved (by someone else). I was wasting his time. He said that what I gave was enough for him, that he knew I didn’t love him the same way he loved me and that it should be his decision too if I was wasting his time (which he felt I was not). So I stayed. Another year. 

To be honest, I had considered breaking things off 3 months into the relationship after the initial butterflies had settled. He fights very hard for our relationship. He is just such a great partner that every time I find the courage to give it up, he talks me into staying. I even sought therapy (by myself) last year in hopes counseling would clarify things. If anything, the counsellor made me think I was mad to give up someone who exuded so much love for me and treated me so well. She suggested perhaps it is me who doesn’t know how to love (which is indeed a very valid point).

My partner is a great human being - caring, empathetic, selfless, considerate, generous, etc. Despite this, I find I am not stimulated by him. I don’t find our conversations interesting. We don’t share the same sense of humour. We are not necessarily interested in the same things (there is a big education gap between us but I don’t think that is the reason). For me, there just isn’t a connection or “chemistry”. I’m not young so I understand young love is very different from love at an older age but I feel I need a connection. Am I wrong to want that?

I keep thinking of arranged marriages in foreign countries. These couples don’t even know each other yet, with time, they do fall in love. Could this happen in my case? This is one of the reasons I have stayed for so long. 

Maybe I am being unrealistic to want a connection and am being foolish to think about leaving a good partner just because the connection isn’t there. Maybe the therapist is correct and it is I who doesn’t know how to love. In that case, it would be a huge mistake to leave. 

[Alpacalia]

Hey sure, that is just human nature.

We are always searching for something better - a better job, a better car, a better self, etc.

I don't like to comment on what therapists discuss between their clients and them. But yes, I am concerned for the possible and potential regret you maybe harboring. That will need to be coped with. The realization is that, we are always targeting something that seems more attuned and ideal.

Sometimes we maybe incorrect. There is no black and white here. Just be ready for regrets if you leave the present relationship.

Having said that, the only way this will work is if you are completely honest with yourself and your partner. There is no point dragging this on, only for you to regret it later. You own it to yourself to try and find a connection with someone rather than settling for mediocrity (which is what I think you are agreeing to do with this relationship). In the long run, you will resent your partner and the relationship will suffer.

It's also important to remember that love is a two-way street. You can't force yourself to feel something for someone just because they love you. It's not fair to either of you. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel connected and fulfilled, and your partner deserves to be with someone who loves them the way they deserve to be loved.

Maybe you are not ready for a relationship at this stage in your life. Maybe you need some time to figure out what you really want and need in a partner. Don't be afraid to take that time for yourself. You don't want to end up in a marriage or long-term relationship with someone you feel no real connection with.

I can't tell you what to do, but there's only so many best years of your life you can live with someone you're not really in love with before you hit a point of no return. I know you're partner seems okay with the statu quo, but it's not fair to keep taking advantage of his love and devotion when you know you can't reciprocate those feelings.

[Temporary33]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been together? Was there ever a connection?  If so, when did things change and why? Do you live together? 

Thank you for your questions. Sorry I thought I responded but apparently not. Very new to the forum so not sure what happened to my typed out response to you. 

We have been together a little over 3 years. As to connection - he feels it strongly. I may not have (ever) as once the 3 months of initial butterflies settled, I was thinking of leaving. 

We are both middle age and do not live together. I know he wants more (living together, marriage) but I have told him I want none of that (with anyone not just him). He is accepting of my boundaries so long as we are together (despite wanting more).

 

Please see my response to Alpachalia. Maybe the therapist is right and it’s ME that is the problem. This is why I fear I may be making a mistake. 

[Temporary33]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Hey sure, that is just human nature.

We are always searching for something better - a better job, a better car, a better self, etc.

I don't like to comment on what therapists discuss between their clients and them. But yes, I am concerned for the possible and potential regret you maybe harboring. That will need to be coped with. The realization is that, we are always targeting something that seems more attuned and ideal.

Sometimes we maybe incorrect. There is no black and white here. Just be ready for regrets if you leave the present relationship.

Having said that, the only way this will work is if you are completely honest with yourself and your partner. There is no point dragging this on, only for you to regret it later. You own it to yourself to try and find a connection with someone rather than settling for mediocrity (which is what I think you are agreeing to do with this relationship). In the long run, you will resent your partner and the relationship will suffer.

It's also important to remember that love is a two-way street. You can't force yourself to feel something for someone just because they love you. It's not fair to either of you. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel connected and fulfilled, and your partner deserves to be with someone who loves them the way they deserve to be loved.

Maybe you are not ready for a relationship at this stage in your life. Maybe you need some time to figure out what you really want and need in a partner. Don't be afraid to take that time for yourself. You don't want to end up in a marriage or long-term relationship with someone you feel no real connection with.

I can't tell you what to do, but there's only so many best years of your life you can live with someone you're not really in love with before you hit a point of no return. I know you're partner seems okay with the statu quo, but it's not fair to keep taking advantage of his love and devotion when you know you can't reciprocate those feelings.

100% agree. You read my heart and mind perfectly. If there will be regrets, then it will be mine to bear. Having said that, I don’t want to settle for mediocrity. I did that for 15 years and was so happy to be alone afterwards.  I was happier alone than I was in the relationship (and there was nothing wrong with my ex either - he too was a kind, considerate and generous man).

I wanted to walk away from this relationship last year but the therapist really made me question my decision. 
 

I’m not looking for perfection or someone better. I’m looking for that intellectual and emotional connection that stimulates me. It’s rare but I’ve had it before so I know it exists. Maybe I’ll never find it again and will be alone forever but that’s a risk I need to decide if I want to take. Maybe I’m being stupid. 

[Alpacalia]

19 minutes ago, Temporary33 said:

100% agree. You read my heart and mind perfectly. If there will be regrets, then it will be mine to bear. Having said that, I don’t want to settle for mediocrity. I did that for 15 years and was so happy to be alone afterwards.  I was happier alone than I was in the relationship (and there was nothing wrong with my ex either - he too was a kind, considerate and generous man).

I wanted to walk away from this relationship last year but the therapist really made me question my decision. 
 

I’m not looking for perfection or someone better. I’m looking for that intellectual and emotional connection that stimulates me. It’s rare but I’ve had it before so I know it exists. Maybe I’ll never find it again and will be alone forever but that’s a risk I need to decide if I want to take. Maybe I’m being stupid. 

Curious, both were good men.

I wonder, is there something within you that makes you choose men who are too good for you or not the right match? Like you need to prove to yourself that you’re worthy of ones you deem unattainable? Did you question why you weren’t happy in the relationship and did your ex’s kindness and consideration contribute to your being unhappy? And in the same vein, do you now question if you’d chosen too fast or without enough of a connection outside of “touching down” in life at a similar time?

As far as not looking for perfection and wanting that open, stimulating connection you mention; do you think it’s possible that the strive, dedication, and sacrifice to make a relationship work long-term with a very kind and considerate person is a better choice than having someone with innate qualities and initial outstanding connection?

I bring this up as sometimes stability and consistency are not as attractive as passion, intellect, and emotional stimulation in early stages. Like when a couple floats on a private beach lounging, drinking, and having fun only to never make it to the next step, the interview process at HR. Just curious how could we deepen, measure new criteria in marriages or long-term relationships – leading by more than EQ, culture, financial and political similarities to survive and thrive?

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Temporary33 said:

, I don’t want to settle for mediocrity. I did that for 15 years and was so happy to be alone afterwards. the therapist really made me question my decision. 

Is your therapist treating you for depression? You seem to have a lot of symptoms of that including inertia, , indecisiveness, apathy, guilt (he's too good to you, etc).

It also seems you're just coasting along because you lack the energy to leave and he's become a comfortable security blanket. Please revisit things with your therapist.

You can find plenty of other people and things to do that are stimulating such as joining some groups and clubs, volunteering, getting involved in sports and fitness taking some classes and courses and broadening your social horizons having fun meeting like-minded people. 

However you seem to think he's causing or is responsible for your lassitude.   Interestingly, you described your last relationship the same way so unfortunately you're the common denominator. 

It seems like you're basically incompatible but you don't have the wherewithall to leave or the energy to make your life interesting in your own way. 

Edited January 8 by Wiseman2

[Temporary33]

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Curious, both were good men.

I wonder, is there something within you that makes you choose men who are too good for you or not the right match? Like you need to prove to yourself that you’re worthy of ones you deem unattainable? Did you question why you weren’t happy in the relationship and did your ex’s kindness and consideration contribute to your being unhappy? And in the same vein, do you now question if you’d chosen too fast or without enough of a connection outside of “touching down” in life at a similar time?

As far as not looking for perfection and wanting that open, stimulating connection you mention; do you think it’s possible that the strive, dedication, and sacrifice to make a relationship work long-term with a very kind and considerate person is a better choice than having someone with innate qualities and initial outstanding connection?

I bring this up as sometimes stability and consistency are not as attractive as passion, intellect, and emotional stimulation in early stages. Like when a couple floats on a private beach lounging, drinking, and having fun only to never make it to the next step, the interview process at HR. Just curious how could we deepen, measure new criteria in marriages or long-term relationships – leading by more than EQ, culture, financial and political similarities to survive and thrive?

These men were not what I deemed “unattainable”. I am a successful, financially independent, strong, highly educated woman with no self esteem issues. I agree that stability and consistency are important otherwise this post would never have been made in the first place. The problem with both of the aforementioned men is not who they are but what is lacking in what they bring to the relationship. For me, that’s intelligent conversations, a shared sense of humour and the same quick wit. Someone who “gets” you.  That’s what I had when I said I once felt that connection with someone else so it is possible to perhaps find it again. 
 

We choose our close friends based on good conversations, shared interests, respect, and being able to have fun (or some good laughs) together. Why shouldn’t we expect that from our partners?

[Temporary33]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is your therapist treating you for depression? You seem to have a lot of symptoms of that including inertia, , indecisiveness, apathy, guilt (he's too good to you, etc).

It also seems you're just coasting along because you lack the energy to leave and he's become a comfortable security blanket. Please revisit things with your therapist.

You can find plenty of other people and things to do that are stimulating such as joining some groups and clubs, volunteering, getting involved in sports and fitness taking some classes and courses and broadening your social horizons having fun meeting like-minded people. 

However you seem to think he's causing or is responsible for your lassitude.   Interestingly, you described your last relationship the same way so unfortunately you're the common denominator. 

It seems like you're basically incompatible but you don't have the wherewithall to leave or the energy to make your life interesting in your own way. 

I think you are misreading. I am not depressed nor am I lacking in energy to leave (or take up activities - as a matter of fact, I travel quite extensively and just returned from a 2 months getaway). I am also not blaming him for “causing” anything except being a really good person.  What I am going through is a tough decision of whether to leave a really good person for something I may never find again (a real connection which I have only had once in my entire life ).  Maybe having a real connection is mere fairy tales and having it once is all we will ever get. 

 

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, Temporary33 said:

These men were not what I deemed “unattainable”. I am a successful, financially independent, strong, highly educated woman with no self esteem issues. I agree that stability and consistency are important otherwise this post would never have been made in the first place. The problem with both of the aforementioned men is not who they are but what is lacking in what they bring to the relationship. For me, that’s intelligent conversations, a shared sense of humour and the same quick wit. Someone who “gets” you.  That’s what I had when I said I once felt that connection with someone else so it is possible to perhaps find it again. 
 

We choose our close friends based on good conversations, shared interests, respect, and being able to have fun (or some good laughs) together. Why shouldn’t we expect that from our partners?

I think there may have been a miscommunication. I was just curious, you've had two great guys but haven't felt totally satisfied. Could there be something inside of you that's attracting you to these men but you still lack feeling a connection?

Perhaps, as Wiseman2 suggested, depression may play a role.

Now, I do believe that intelligence, humor, and chemistry are important in a relationship, and it seems like you do too. So why do you think these crucial aspects are still missing with these good men who have many other positive qualities? Is it perhaps a matter of not being with the right person yet? Only you can truly answer that.

Edited January 8 by Alpacalia

[Weezy1973]

18 minutes ago, Temporary33 said:

That’s what I had when I said I once felt that connection with someone else…
 

Why didn’t that relationship last? 

 

19 minutes ago, Temporary33 said:

We choose our close friends based on good conversations, shared interests, respect, and being able to have fun (or some good laughs) together. Why shouldn’t we expect that from our partners?

Do you have friends like that now? If so why do you also need it from your partner? Not saying you should stay with him - in fact if you keep telling yourself the story that he’s not meeting your needs, If recommend leaving him. But realize it’s just a story you’re telling yourself. The story could also easily be “nobody is designed for my happiness and he’s a wonderful person and partner”. 

[Temporary33]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I think there may have been a miscommunication. I was just curious, you've had two great guys but haven't felt totally satisfied. Could there be something inside of you that's attracting you to these men but you still lack feeling a connection?

Perhaps, as Wiseman2 suggested, depression may play a role.

Now, I do believe that intelligence, humor, and chemistry are important in a relationship, and it seems like you do too. So why do you think these crucial aspects are still missing with these good men who have many other positive qualities? Is it perhaps a matter of not being with the right person yet? Only you can truly answer that.

With my current partner, I think they are missing because of differences in levels of education and a lack of a wider range of life experiences. 
 

As to my ex, we were quite young when we met and went down different paths as we got older. 
 

I am not with the right person.  Thank you. 
 

 

[Temporary33]

5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Why didn’t that relationship last? 

 

Do you have friends like that now? If so why do you also need it from your partner? Not saying you should stay with him - in fact if you keep telling yourself the story that he’s not meeting your needs, If recommend leaving him. But realize it’s just a story you’re telling yourself. The story could also easily be “nobody is designed for my happiness and he’s a wonderful person and partner”. 

The “connection” relationship didn’t work out cause at the time we both wanted different things in life. 

You could be right. Nobody is designed for my happiness. But it’s also not right or fair to not love someone and continue to be with them.

Just out of curiosity (with no ill intention or offence in the next question): Would you be okay to be in love with someone and be the giver in the relationship when they don’t love you back (but care for you deeply)? Would you rather they leave the relationship?

[Temporary33]

18 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

If so why do you also need it from your partner? 

I suppose it’s because those are the traits I value and crave immensely. Those are the traits that speak to me intimately and gain my respect (all else being equal - ie. the person has to be decent, etc). If I can’t share that with my partner, then I’m not being my true self with him. 

[La.Primavera]

After reading you original post, it seems clear that you have already made your decision.  For what it's worth, I think they are very valid reasons to end the relationship.  What is the point in staying a relationship that lacks emotional, physical and intellectual connection?  Lacking one would be bad, but all three... that sounds awful!

The fact that he understands how you feel but still wants you to stay put and pretend it's OK because his needs are being met is a problem.  It's also based on a lie.   Unless there is something I'm missing, you're not in love with, right?  Other than loyalty and fear of the unknown, there doesn't appear to be a lot tying you to him.

Will you regret it later?  I'm sure you will have moments of regret, but probably only for superficial reasons.  He has great qualities but lacks the true connection that you need from a partner.  If you are independent and don't feel the desperate need to be in a relationship, then I would move on.

 

 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Temporary33 said:

The “connection” relationship didn’t work out cause at the time we both wanted different things in life. 

Which goes to show that “connection” isn’t the end all be all either. 

 

1 hour ago, Temporary33 said:

Would you be okay to be in love with someone and be the giver in the relationship when they don’t love you back (but care for you deeply)? Would you rather they leave the relationship?

First, in my mind loving someone means essentially you want that person to be happy. And no, I would not want to be with someone that was indifferent to my well-being and happiness. But I think what you’re talking about is more “chemistry” or attraction  - not really the same thing as love. 
 

I do believe that for some people unfortunately they have to choose between people they’re attracted to, but with whom the relationship would be dysfunctional, or someone they’re not super attracted to, but they’re able to have a healthy relationship with. I’m not sure if that’s the case for you. Have you ever had a healthy, long term relationship with someone that you were attracted to and felt that connection with?

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, Temporary33 said:

I am not with the right person.

You've hit the nail on the head.

Otherwise, it would be much easier for you to appreciate the qualities that your partner DOES bring to the table (with the exception of him bending over backwards for your 'happiness') instead of zooming in on all the things he doesn't.

Edited January 8 by Alpacalia

[Els]

12 hours ago, Temporary33 said:

keep thinking of arranged marriages in foreign countries. These couples don’t even know each other yet, with time, they do fall in love. Could this happen in my case? This is one of the reasons I have stayed for so long. 

I'm from one of the cultures where arranged marriages still happen today (albeit not nearly as frequent as in previous generations), and I assure you that the majority of them do not actually "fall in love", at least not by the Western definition of the term. In these cultures, marriage is typically entered into for reasons of financial security (on the woman's part), doing one's duty to the family, social acceptance, and carrying on the family name (on the man's part). Love, connection, and attraction are rarely part of it. It looks successful from the outside because they rarely get divorced - but they don't get divorced because duty and rigid societal expectations dictate that they shouldn't get divorced. Perhaps a few do end up falling in love, but they are the minority.

And that's why many people in my generation do not take part in arranged marriages  - because we grew up in a modern/Westernized world, and we do believe in love. We do want to feel connected to our partners and sexually attracted to them. And we know that arranged marriages are not how you find it.

Edited January 8 by Els

[Lotsgoingon]

So here's the deal. I'm sure in ancient times, you could get an entire community to join around you and you would feel fine staying with this man you feel little connection to.

In the 21st century, that doesn't work.  We are not in immediate survival mode anymore--so our needs have switched, and emotional connection is a huge quality we want in relationships. And that's not because modern folks are wimpy. It's  because having an emotional connection with someone really helps us navigate the ups and downs of a complicated, confusing, rapidly changing world, a world where we interact daily with a far wider range of people than ever before. Our mood and feelings REALLY matter in this contemporary world. Tons of research shows that feeling emotionally connected with people aids the immune system and adds to longevity and on and on. 

I was talking a while ago to a young person who was struggling with getting good job offers and not feeling all that excited about the specific jobs. He was questioning himself like you are. Maybe I'm being too spoiled, he thought. My response: If the economy had 30 percent unemployment, we all would shift our job expectations, without effort, to being grateful that we have a job, almost any job.  We wouldn't have to convince ourselves. Or if there was a catastrophic war, people like you could pair with someone without emotional connection and be fine. In a famine, we wouldn't be very picky about the food we eat or the color or brand of our blankets. 

We are in no such catastrophic emergency that requires us to shift expectations.

Your brain and body know there is no survival reason to be with this guy. The lack of emotional connection will follow you around and hang onto you all day, pretty much every day. And no matter how wonderful the time you have is (you could have a spectacular day or week or month with this person) you'll always come back to: should I stay or should. You'll be asking this exact question in a month, in two months, in a year, in two years. 

Anyway, that's what I learned about dating women when there was no real emotional spark. 

Oh and be careful about invoking arranged marriages. In many cultures, the arrangement is that the parents are the dating app, bringing the two people together for consideration. But the young people have to approve going forward with the marriage. They have a veto. You would be able to say "No, I don't feel a connection with this guy. And look, arranged marriages can be disastrous. Almost all the young people I know whose parents had their marriages arranged absolutely reject that tradition for themselves. These children of arranged marriages want the freedom to choose a spouse and they are often quite unimpressed by their parents' marriages.

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Temporary33 said:

What I am going through is a tough decision of whether to leave a really good person for something I may never find again (a real connection which I have only had once in my entire life )

Leave him.  It's not fair to stay with a person who you know you don't feel the same about.  He deserves to be loved and wanted by a woman because as you said he's a good person.  Don't settle for a man you do not want.  Let him go so you both can find what you're looking for.  If you stay feeling the way you do now, you're just using him and there will be consequences for that.

[ShyViolet]

14 hours ago, Temporary33 said:

 

My partner is a great human being - caring, empathetic, selfless, considerate, generous, etc.

With all due respect he is most definitely NOT a great human being if you have tried to get out of this relationship and he is point blank not letting you, and not respecting your decision.

You know in your heart that you want OUT of this relationship.  Don't ever let a man coerce you to stay or not "let" you break up with them.  Breaking up is the one thing you can do in a relationship that you do not need the other person's consent for.  You do not need his permission, and no he does NOT get a say.  You really need to find your backbone and be more true to yourself.  You are wasting his time but you are more importantly wasting your own time in a relationship that you know you want out of.  I think you will feel really relieved and free when you finally end this.

14 hours ago, Temporary33 said:

Please see my response to Alpachalia. Maybe the therapist is right and it’s ME that is the problem. This is why I fear I may be making a mistake. 

I'm sorry but this therapist sounds horrible.  They are giving you truly bad advice.  You know in your heart that you're not happy in this relationship, that this man is not right for you, and this therapist is trying to make you doubt your own feelings.  You need to be careful when going to therapists, not all of them are good.

Have more self-respect than this.  Don't doubt your own inner voice and your own feelings.  Stay true to yourself.  It sounds like you need to really cut the dead weight out of your life and it starts with this man AND this therapist.

[Temporary33]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So here's the deal. I'm sure in ancient times, you could get an entire community to join around you and you would feel fine staying with this man you feel little connection to.

In the 21st century, that doesn't work.  We are not in immediate survival mode anymore--so our needs have switched, and emotional connection is a huge quality we want in relationships. And that's not because modern folks are wimpy. It's  because having an emotional connection with someone really helps us navigate the ups and downs of a complicated, confusing, rapidly changing world, a world where we interact daily with a far wider range of people than ever before. Our mood and feelings REALLY matter in this contemporary world. Tons of research shows that feeling emotionally connected with people aids the immune system and adds to longevity and on and on. 

I was talking a while ago to a young person who was struggling with getting good job offers and not feeling all that excited about the specific jobs. He was questioning himself like you are. Maybe I'm being too spoiled, he thought. My response: If the economy had 30 percent unemployment, we all would shift our job expectations, without effort, to being grateful that we have a job, almost any job.  We wouldn't have to convince ourselves. Or if there was a catastrophic war, people like you could pair with someone without emotional connection and be fine. In a famine, we wouldn't be very picky about the food we eat or the color or brand of our blankets. 

We are in no such catastrophic emergency that requires us to shift expectations.

Your brain and body know there is no survival reason to be with this guy. The lack of emotional connection will follow you around and hang onto you all day, pretty much every day. And no matter how wonderful the time you have is (you could have a spectacular day or week or month with this person) you'll always come back to: should I stay or should. You'll be asking this exact question in a month, in two months, in a year, in two years. 

Anyway, that's what I learned about dating women when there was no real emotional spark. 

Oh and be careful about invoking arranged marriages. In many cultures, the arrangement is that the parents are the dating app, bringing the two people together for consideration. But the young people have to approve going forward with the marriage. They have a veto. You would be able to say "No, I don't feel a connection with this guy. And look, arranged marriages can be disastrous. Almost all the young people I know whose parents had their marriages arranged absolutely reject that tradition for themselves. These children of arranged marriages want the freedom to choose a spouse and they are often quite unimpressed by their parents' marriages.

Hello Lotsgoingon, 

Thank you! This is an EXCELLENT explanation and well written. 

Most do not understand why emotional and intellectual connections are so important. People ask why should it trump kindness, generosity, goodness. A connection doesn't trump those traits. All these factors are not mutually exclusive. It is possible to have a connection with a good, kind and generous person and be in a healthy relationship.   

You are right. I am an independent, self reliant woman and do not depend on him for anything so I am not in a "survival mode". As such, the connection becomes a more heavily weighted quality.

" The lack of emotional connection will follow you around and hang onto you all day, pretty much every day. And no matter how wonderful the time you have is (you could have a spectacular day or week or month with this person) you'll always come back to: should I stay or should. You'll be asking this exact question in a month, in two months, in a year, in two years." - PERFECTION! This exact question has been surfacing every few months since our 3rd month anniversary and I am now  3+ years with him. I wish my therapist last year said this to me instead of making me feel foolish for wanting to give up a good man. 

The arranged marriage comment was just a throw in at the last minute as a Hail Mary ..... as in "if I stay long enough, maybe I can learn to love him". But I am old enough that I should have logically known better. Unfortunately, when it comes to emotions, logic doesn't always win.

Thank you for your input.  🙂

[Temporary33]

11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Which goes to show that “connection” isn’t the end all be all either. 

 

First, in my mind loving someone means essentially you want that person to be happy. And no, I would not want to be with someone that was indifferent to my well-being and happiness. But I think what you’re talking about is more “chemistry” or attraction  - not really the same thing as love. 
 

I do believe that for some people unfortunately they have to choose between people they’re attracted to, but with whom the relationship would be dysfunctional, or someone they’re not super attracted to, but they’re able to have a healthy relationship with. I’m not sure if that’s the case for you. Have you ever had a healthy, long term relationship with someone that you were attracted to and felt that connection with?

No, connection isn't the end all but without it, a relationship can't really be sustainable in the long run either.

Yes, I have been in a healthy, long term (5 years) relationship with someone I had a deep connection with.

It doesn't have to be connection/dysfunctional relationship vs. no connection/health relationship. Having a connection with someone and having a health relationship with the same person are not mutually exclusive.

Note that when I say connection, I am NOT talking about physical attraction. For me, it is an emotional and intellectual connection. With the latter, a person becomes more physically appealing to me. A man may be very physically attractive at first (as per my current partner) but without the emotional and intellectual connection, the physical attraction quickly wanes.