I have an amazing partner but I feel no connection - do I stay or do I leave?

[ShyViolet]

12 minutes ago, Temporary33 said:

This exact question has been surfacing every few months since our 3rd month anniversary and I am now  3+ years with him. I wish my therapist last year said this to me instead of making me feel foolish for wanting to give up a good man. 

It's concerning that you've put so much stock into a therapist's words.  Therapy is good and I'm pro-therapy, but we also need to always have our own convictions, our own judgment.  You don't blindly follow what a therapist says when it feels wrong and doesn't align with the life decisions you are wanting to make.  You need to have the ability to evaluate a therapist and judge whether they are giving you advice that is in your best interests, or not.  

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Temporary33 said:

. A man may be very physically attractive at first (as per my current partner) but without the emotional and intellectual connection, the physical attraction quickly wanes. 

Please trust your instincts. It doesn't seem like you're heart is in this and you seem to be just coasting along..

What you're describing is so common there's a portmanteau for it:

"The word himbo began to be associated with a positive masculine archetype of being attractive, stupid, but also kind and goodhearted, as the "human version of a golden retriever—beautiful, incredibly well-intentioned, and dumb"

[Weezy1973]

17 minutes ago, Temporary33 said:

No, connection isn't the end all but without it, a relationship can't really be sustainable in the long run either.
 

I believe it can be as long as partners have strong connections with say their friends and family. Putting all of our needs onto our partners is a relatively recent phenomenon, and likely one of the reasons why fewer and fewer people are getting married. If you want someone that checks all the boxes - mental connection, emotional connection, sexual connection, then add in activity partner, financial stability, etc. there’s just fewer and fewer people that meet the criteria. 
 

I suspect also needs change significantly based on whether you’re wanting to have a family or not. Qualities like dependability, reliability, honesty, trustworthiness, kindness, etc. - qualities it sounds like your current partner has in spades, would be top of mind as they would be the qualities you’d be looking for someone to coparent with. However if kids together is not part of the plan, then attraction / connection / chemistry move to the top of the list. 
 

Not saying you should stay with this guy of course. If you want to leave, just leave. But I’d recommend really exploring your core values, and prioritizing the types of qualities you’re looking for in a partner. Realize that a perfect partner doesn’t exist, and as such, what are the must haves vs the nice to haves. 

[Lotsgoingon]

That therapist is acting like you're living during the Great Depression or the 19th century. Not sure why the therapist didn't affirm how good and healthy it is to have an emotional connection in a relationship, indeed how good and healthy it is to WANT an emotional and intellectual connection.

Also, it was a great chance for the therapist to affirm your instincts and feelings. Sometimes our instincts can be off, but you've apparently felt very clearly about the missing connection. That's the feeling we want to pay attention to!

BTW: A lot of people (I've done this) just go into denial about the missing connection. I remember dating this wonderful woman—actually, I saw her recently at a mutual friend's wedding after about 20 years of not seeing her. From the get-go, I felt she was a friend. I didn't have that language back then, and objectively, I would say she was attractive, smart, and kind. All great. It was just that I was not longing to be with her.

I actually spent time with her, her husband, and her son at the recent wedding. They were really warm, friendly, and funny. Thank God, way back when I finally summoned the strength to break up with her. Which freed her up to find her wonderful husband and start the family she wanted. I remember 20 years ago feeling guilty that I wasn't feeling the spark with her. I wondered what was wrong with me. Turns out nothing was wrong with me. I was just partnered with a great person who wasn't a good fit for me.

[Temporary33]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

It's concerning that you've put so much stock into a therapist's words.  Therapy is good and I'm pro-therapy, but we also need to always have our own convictions, our own judgment.  You don't blindly follow what a therapist says when it feels wrong and doesn't align with the life decisions you are wanting to make.  You need to have the ability to evaluate a therapist and judge whether they are giving you advice that is in your best interests, or not.  

When one is in turmoil and in much doubt, a therapist often can be quite persuading. I didn't blindly follow the therapist's advice. I told her I would put a timeline on it. I said I would give it my all into the relationship for a year and reassess. The year has come up and here I am: Reassessing.

[Temporary33]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please trust your instincts. It doesn't seem like you're heart is in this and you seem to be just coasting along..

What you're describing is so common there's a portmanteau for it:

"The word himbo began to be associated with a positive masculine archetype of being attractive, stupid, but also kind and goodhearted, as the "human version of a golden retriever—beautiful, incredibly well-intentioned, and dumb"

Himbo!  TOO FUNNY! You gave me my first laugh of the day. Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Temporary33 said:

Himbo!  

Perhaps the next step with this therapist is reflecting why you go after these types. 

There are people who prefer arm candy and lapdogs and that's fine. However it doesn't seem to be satisfactory for you at this point. 

Edited January 8 by Wiseman2

[Temporary33]

28 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

That therapist is acting like you're living during the Great Depression or the 19th century. Not sure why the therapist didn't affirm how good and healthy it is to have an emotional connection in a relationship, indeed how good and healthy it is to WANT an emotional and intellectual connection.

Also, it was a great chance for the therapist to affirm your instincts and feelings. Sometimes our instincts can be off, but you've apparently felt very clearly about the missing connection. That's the feeling we want to pay attention to!

BTW: A lot of people (I've done this) just go into denial about the missing connection. I remember dating this wonderful woman—actually, I saw her recently at a mutual friend's wedding after about 20 years of not seeing her. From the get-go, I felt she was a friend. I didn't have that language back then, and objectively, I would say she was attractive, smart, and kind. All great. It was just that I was not longing to be with her.

I actually spent time with her, her husband, and her son at the recent wedding. They were really warm, friendly, and funny. Thank God, way back when I finally summoned the strength to break up with her. Which freed her up to find her wonderful husband and start the family she wanted. I remember 20 years ago feeling guilty that I wasn't feeling the spark with her. I wondered what was wrong with me. Turns out nothing was wrong with me. I was just partnered with a great person who wasn't a good fit for me.

The therapist was of the mind set that I could have the emotional and intellectual connection with friends (as some on this same forum have stated) and do not need it from my partner. I'm sure there are lots of people out there where such a situation would be very amendable; especially those that are extremely extroverted. 

For me, I feel that if I don't have the emotional and intellectual connection, I am lacking the intimacy I need in the relationship. 

I have told him numerous times he needs to be with someone who will love him the way he deserves to be loved. I can't give him what he wants.

I am indeed partnered with a great and wonderful person who just isn't a good fit for me. I have tried so hard to want to be with this wonderful person. I've struggled. I've sought therapy. I've questioned my sanity. I've made excuses. I've stayed when he convinced me to. I've felt guilt. I've shed tears. I've given years. I care about him deeply and do not wish to bring pain upon him. At some point, I must let go even if it means stabbing him in the heart and the possibility of regrets for me down the road.

[Temporary33]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps the next step with this therapist is reflecting why you go after these types. 

There are people who prefer arm candy and lapdogs and that's fine. However it doesn't seem to be satisfactory for you at this point. 

One truly does not know another person until time has passed. We all put on our best face during the initial courting phase. After 3 months, I had my first thought of breaking it off. 

I don't go after a certain type. We all try to find decent, kind partners and when we find those qualities, we continue to explore some more to see if it is a good fit. Only time will tell if the fit is good.

P.S. - Therapist was fired last year. She was only hired to deal with this one issue.

 

Edited January 8 by Temporary33

[Lotsgoingon]

Interesting, I could get the therapist's advice if you were already married to this guy for 20 years. A woman I know once consulted with a divorce attorney and that attorney recommended against the divorce and instead encouraged this woman to do all kinds of social things with friends. This woman had been seething that her husband didn't want to go out to the theater and into the city and so on. She started going out with friends and sometimes by herself and having a blast. 

Lots of therapists also seem to recommend getting your needs met outside the marriage--but usually when people have been together, usually married and with kids, for quite a while and when the unhappy partner is ambivalent about splitting. 

There is a difference between having a partner who doesn't want to go to the theater with me when theater is my thing ... and a partner that I don't feel a close emotional connection to, period. Huge difference. The first one, where a partner doesn't share one of our interests, can be navigated as long as overall we feel very connected to the person. 

 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Temporary33 said:

 After 3 months, I had my first thought of breaking it off. 

Please try to trust your instincts. 3 months is usually enough time to assess compatibles and certainly enough time to know someone's level of education, worldliness, general intelligence and many other factors. Perhaps it's a matter of knowing when to cut your losses . 

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

With all due respect he is most definitely NOT a great human being if you have tried to get out of this relationship and he is point blank not letting you, and not respecting your decision.

You know in your heart that you want OUT of this relationship.  Don't ever let a man coerce you to stay or not "let" you break up with them.  Breaking up is the one thing you can do in a relationship that you do not need the other person's consent for.  You do not need his permission, and no he does NOT get a say.  You really need to find your backbone and be more true to yourself.  You are wasting his time but you are more importantly wasting your own time in a relationship that you know you want out of.  I think you will feel really relieved and free when you finally end this.

I'm sorry but this therapist sounds horrible.  They are giving you truly bad advice.  You know in your heart that you're not happy in this relationship, that this man is not right for you, and this therapist is trying to make you doubt your own feelings.  You need to be careful when going to therapists, not all of them are good.

Have more self-respect than this.  Don't doubt your own inner voice and your own feelings.  Stay true to yourself.  It sounds like you need to really cut the dead weight out of your life and it starts with this man AND this therapist.

I wanted to express these precise sentiments but was too exhausted to compose something coherent.

OP, very seriously, I think ShyViolet's words hit the nail on the head. I just want to add that your guy's refusal to let you go may suggest that he also has his own set of issues to work on. 

 

Edited January 8 by Acacia98

[NeanderCat]

Hi OP - I would definitely leave.  You haven't been into him for a long time and it's not gonna get any better with more time.  If it just ain't there, it just ain't there.....I think your instincts are right and you should leave now and not waste any more time. You both deserve better - you to be with someone you REALLY want and him to be with someone who REALLY loves him. This is never going to get any better so make your plans to leave and tell him. Be sure you have a place to go and whatever  you need to have a life/income, etc.  You're not his possession and he's not your sugar daddy and neither of you should be in that kind of relationship. If you leave now, you can do it with some kindness on both sides and maybe be actual friends eventually. Even if you don't, you'll have nothing to regret. He'll just have to get over it, most of us have been through at least 1 unrequited love.  As long as you don't lie and deceive and cheat, it's no one's fault, it just is.  Don't make it any longer though.

[Temporary33]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please try to trust your instincts. 3 months is usually enough time to assess compatibles and certainly enough time to know someone's level of education, worldliness, general intelligence and many other factors. Perhaps it's a matter of knowing when to cut your losses . 

It IS a matter of knowing when to cut losses. Really good, kind, decent, generous men at a certain age with little emotional and physical baggage and who is willing to put you as their number one priority are very hard to find. Three months may be sufficient to assess certain traits (education, worldliness, etc) but it is not enough time to cut a rare gem off.

I don't know how many of the followers on this topic are of middle age. I am. At this age, we all carry some baggage; some more than others. We all carry bad habits; some more than others. We all have our routines and our unwillingness to change; some more than others. When we find that rare person who loves us so much, has little baggage, lack of bad habits, willing to put our needs ahead of their own, etc etc., - it's not so easy to walk away as when we were in our 20's and 30's. 

 

[stillafool]

31 minutes ago, Temporary33 said:

I don't know how many of the followers on this topic are of middle age. I am

Pretty much the majority of us are middle age, so we are well aware of how important it is to be with the right person at this age and not just someone who worships you; especially when those feelings aren't mutual.  However, a lot of people fear being alone and would rather be unhappy with someone than alone.

Edited January 8 by stillafool

[ShyViolet]

41 minutes ago, Temporary33 said:

I don't know how many of the followers on this topic are of middle age. I am. At this age, we all carry some baggage; some more than others. We all carry bad habits; some more than others. We all have our routines and our unwillingness to change; some more than others. When we find that rare person who loves us so much, has little baggage, lack of bad habits, willing to put our needs ahead of their own, etc etc., - it's not so easy to walk away as when we were in our 20's and 30's. 

I am in my 40s and I think most of the regular posters here are middle aged or older.

If you ask me, there's no question that it's better to be single than to be in a relationship that makes you feel emotionally dead and unfulfilled.  I genuinely don't understand how you are so afraid that you'll regret ending this relationship.  You keep saying that he is a great guy and has a lot of good qualities.  But the actual RELATIONSHIP is dead.  Just because he's a great guy doesn't mean he's a great guy for you.

[ShyViolet]

42 minutes ago, Temporary33 said:

It IS a matter of knowing when to cut losses. Really good, kind, decent, generous men at a certain age with little emotional and physical baggage and who is willing to put you as their number one priority are very hard to find.

He puts you as his number 1 priority?  I think you really should rethink that.  Here is a guy who knows you don't love him and are unhappy in this relationship.  You have tried to tell him and he would hear nothing of it.  He doesn't care one bit that this relationship is unfulfilling on your end and doesn't feel right for you.  All he cares about is keeping you trapped in this relationship just because it's what HE wants.  If you ask me that's quite selfish and disrespectful of him.  

[Temporary33]

22 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I am in my 40s and I think most of the regular posters here are middle aged or older.

If you ask me, there's no question that it's better to be single than to be in a relationship that makes you feel emotionally dead and unfulfilled.  I genuinely don't understand how you are so afraid that you'll regret ending this relationship.  You keep saying that he is a great guy and has a lot of good qualities.  But the actual RELATIONSHIP is dead.  Just because he's a great guy doesn't mean he's a great guy for you.

The relationship is missing some key elements that are important to me. I wouldn’t say it is a dead relationship. It is not a bad relationship. We travel a lot together. We spend sufficient time together. We get a long quite well. I don’t think it would be fair to term it a dead relationship . But you are right in that he is a great guy but not the great guy for me. 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Temporary33 said:

The relationship is missing some key elements that are important to me. It is not a bad relationship.  he is a great guy but not the great guy for me. 

Almost seems like a case of  "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush", where you don't want to let go of a good thing but you don't want to risk not finding something. "better". 

[Weezy1973]

56 minutes ago, Temporary33 said:

The relationship is missing some key elements that are important to me.

Maybe if you explained what those are? The term “emotional connection” is rather ambiguous. What does that mean to you? What does it look like when you’ve had it in a relationship?

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, older people have histories, and some accumulate a lot of wisdom and perspective. And some are fun as all, just not as energetic about it (no heading out at 10 p.m. anymore). And there are people out there who overall, your gut will approve of. The process of dating is the same. Does your gut approve? And if so, does your critical mind approve?

My view is that when you get to making a list of all the positives and negatives, you're in trouble. You're disconnecting from your body's overall reaction. And just a quick side note, yes, the unconscious mind-body isn't always right. 

In dating your brain system is drawing on all your years of life and it's checking out things that the conscious mind (with its lists) would have to read books to figure out.

Now, once the gut approves of someone quite strongly (you feel that strong, clear attraction) then yes, you can bring in the critical analytical mind. You can bring in your lists. But here we go. When you fall hard for someone, you create lists to probe for possible negatives. You use the rational brain to think critically, yes negatively, to check for gaps and blind spots that the gut can miss.  I was at a party a while ago, and I got wowed by this woman who was so funny and seemingly confident and smart and yes, good looking. My gut was into her. But from experience, I know that some of these super charismatic people turn out to be serious problems. So I called the person who sponsored the party, who had invited this woman to the party and knew her well. 

She told me to stay away! Miles away. She rolled off all kinds of chaotic conflicts and job problems and relationship problems the charming woman had created in her life. I had brought out my critical brain by asking a friend who knew this woman a lot better than I did. I want to trust a gut no. I don't want to fully trust a strong quick yes from the gut. Interesting: once my friend (the party sponsor) filled me in with details on the woman, actually the details and problems made sense, as in my gut was not stunned by them. 

If your gut says no, there is no list making that can change its mind. Romance just doesn't work that way. It's part of the human romance curse.

I have had experience in developing attraction over time  to someone that I didn't have initial attraction for. But in that case, I got to see them (often at work) day after day in many situations and had tons of interactions with them and my gut shifted on its own--without me making a list. But you can’t force your gut (your ultimate comfort) to shift--no matter how many items you put in the positive category. 

 

 

 

Edited January 9 by Lotsgoingon

[Temporary33]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Almost seems like a case of  "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush", where you don't want to let go of a good thing but you don't want to risk not finding something. "better". 

Many years ago, I had a good friend who was in the same situation I am now. He had been in a long term relationship and living with a wonderful woman. He did not feel the connection but cared for her deeply. He had thought about breaking up with her for quite some time and discussed with her his feelings. She did not want him to leave despite knowing he didn’t love her. He did not want to hurt her and so he stayed for a bit longer. It was easy for me to judge; to keep asking him “what are you waiting for?”;  to keep harping on him “nothing is going to change if you don’t change it”. It is easy to say such things until it is your turn. Albeit, at that time, I was much younger and had little relationship experience. It is not always about “wanting your cake and eating it too.” Wiseman2, if you had read all my previous responses, you will have known I am neither depressed nor am I afraid of being alone (or as you prefer to phrase it as “finding something better”).  

Lotsgoingon’s numerous commentaries draw from his own personal experiences including alluding to having had been in a similar situation. His advices are wise, presented with well thought out explanations and examples, empathetic and non judgmental.  These are the type of advice that are most helpful and show true wisdom.

I appreciate people coming on to the forum and giving advice for, after all, I am asking for it. I ask that people do so with kindness and not be judgmental. Until one has been in such a situation, one truly does not know the turmoil of both guilt and gratitude I have towards my partner and my relationship. 

 

[Temporary33]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yes, older people have histories, and some accumulate a lot of wisdom and perspective. And some are fun as all, just not as energetic about it (no heading out at 10 p.m. anymore). And there are people out there who overall, your gut will approve of. The process of dating is the same. Does your gut approve? And if so, does your critical mind approve?

My view is that when you get to making a list of all the positives and negatives, you're in trouble. You're disconnecting from your body's overall reaction. And just a quick side note, yes, the unconscious mind-body isn't always right. 

In dating your brain system is drawing on all your years of life and it's checking out things that the conscious mind (with its lists) would have to read books to figure out.

Now, once the gut approves of someone quite strongly (you feel that strong, clear attraction) then yes, you can bring in the critical analytical mind. You can bring in your lists. But here we go. When you fall hard for someone, you create lists to probe for possible negatives. You use the rational brain to think critically, yes negatively, to check for gaps and blind spots that the gut can miss.  I was at a party a while ago, and I got wowed by this woman who was so funny and seemingly confident and smart and yes, good looking. My gut was into her. But from experience, I know that some of these super charismatic people turn out to be serious problems. So I called the person who sponsored the party, who had invited this woman to the party and knew her well. 

She told me to stay away! Miles away. She rolled off all kinds of chaotic conflicts and job problems and relationship problems the charming woman had created in her life. I had brought out my critical brain by asking a friend who knew this woman a lot better than I did. I want to trust a gut no. I don't want to fully trust a strong quick yes from the gut. Interesting: once my friend (the party sponsor) filled me in with details on the woman, actually the details and problems made sense, as in my gut was not stunned by them. 

If your gut says no, there is no list making that can change its mind. Romance just doesn't work that way. It's part of the human romance curse.

I have had experience in developing attraction over time  to someone that I didn't have initial attraction for. But in that case, I got to see them (often at work) day after day in many situations and had tons of interactions with them and my gut shifted on its own--without me making a list. But you can’t force your gut (your ultimate comfort) to shift--no matter how many items you put in the positive category. 

 

 

 

I think in this case, it was the reverse. My analytical mind was checking off the list when we first met. Check, check, check. He covered off so many of the boxes. As the months went on, the checklist wasn’t enough. So it must be me, right? I’m expecting too much! My standards are too high! I’ve got a great thing and I’M the one sabotaging it. I’m crazy! I need to see a therapist. The therapist agrees he’s a gem and asking why am I wanting to let that one go? Now I’m even more confused. That’s confirmation from a “professional”. But as you stated here and in your prior posts, the gut kept spewing “should I leave”. The gut is taking on the analytical mind in a boxing match and it’s beating the crap out of it (not to mention giving me a massive headache). It’s probably in the 9 or 10th round now. 
 

Please see my response to Wiseman 2. I had mentioned you. I appreciate your responses and I find they are the ones I most relate to. Thank you for your thought provoking commentaries. 

[NuevoYorko]

23 hours ago, Temporary33 said:

I keep thinking of arranged marriages in foreign countries. These couples don’t even know each other yet, with time, they do fall in love. Could this happen in my case? This is one of the reasons I have stayed for so long. 

In most of those cases, the people involved were not expecting to fall in love or feel love.  They hope to be married to someone with shared values who they feel well disposed towards.  Is that going to satisfy you?

23 hours ago, Temporary33 said:

Maybe I am being unrealistic to want a connection and am being foolish to think about leaving a good partner just because the connection isn’t there. Maybe the therapist is correct and it is I who doesn’t know how to love. In that case, it would be a huge mistake to leave. 

It's hard to understand why you're so invested in trying to make it possibly BETTER to stay with someone for whom you have NO feelings for on any level than to move on.  

That's really odd.  Generally, if people are "not feeling it" we move on.  

If you don't know how to love - it would be a huge mistake to STAY.  I mean, it is a huge mistake any way you look at it, but what human being deserves somehow to be stuck with someone who does not know how to love?

Quote

I have made my feelings known but he has been adamant what I give to him is enough for him

That's pretty much beside the point.  You said you've experienced a relationship where you had feelings, so you know it's possible.  

Evidently you want that again.  You should go for that.  Not this completely unconnected arrangement.  Sounds empty.

[Alpacalia]

Hmmm...