Affairs and Betrayal

[Meek Meek]

     There’s alot of things that I’d like to discuss involving being the OW. I was once the OW and it’s a long story. The MM and I met through a mutual friend. Our mutual friend told me his friend had a crush on me. I told him to bring him over. My friend lived right across the street. So, they came over and we just sat around. Our friend did most of the joking and talking because  I guess the MM was too “shy” to do much talking. I thought he was cute and assumed he was single, which was a mistake on my part. After that night of him and my friend coming over, the next night I reached out through social media. Yes, he was a friend of mine on Facebook BUT prior to learning he had a crush on me I never really had a reason to stalk his social media platform because I didn’t know him. I just knew he lived in the area.

     I was at a place in my life where I told myself that if I was to meet someone, I did not want to have a preconceived notion of who they are and know everything about them through a screen. That was my personal goal, so this is why I didn’t investigate. And honestly, I wasn’t even thinkin to ask about his marital status because I had never truly had to ask anyone before. I was 27 at the time and didn’t have all that much experience in the relationship department. So when I messaged him, we flirted a bit and made plans to see each other the night after. When he came by we started talking, laughing and relating. We had great conversations and he was real cool. One thing led to another and we had sex. He stayed a while after and then left to go home A part of me was just seeing it as casual. I wasn’t  really looking for anything serious honestly. If it happened to have turned into something serious then so be it but I was just enjoying myself. I was in a good space mentally, emotionally, and physically at that time in my life.

     We met up a couple more times and then one day I was coming home from work and we were texting. Something made me ask who all he lived with. He told me in verbatim his BABY MAMA and 3 kids, not my W. Now I was like omg! I went over to our friend house who lived right across the street from me and asked him “WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME SUCH AND SUCH HAD A W?” And my friend told me he didn’t hide and that she’s on his Facebook. I WANTED TO AND JUST KNEW I was going to do the right thing by cutting it off right then and there and it was definitely my intentions but it didn’t go exactly how I wanted it. I ended up sleeping with him again. It was hard because by that time I was already catching feelings for him and that’s hard to turn off. He called me one night and I asked him about being married and he said “I NEVER LIED TO YOU ABOUT ANYTHING.” Of course he didn’t, he just straight up omitted information.🙄 Then he told me to stop listening to our mutual friend because I’m not just a piece of **** and he didn’t want me to be thinking that.
     Later that night we messaged each other on fb and because of the conflicted feelings, I told him off and that was that . He had me blocked for about 7 or 8 months and I was moving along with my life just well during that time. Around the 8th month of being blocked , one night I received a msg request and it was him telling me he miss me. A part of me was in awe . It had to mean something for him to still be thinking about me after all that time had passed. I told him I missed him too and from there we just sent each other messages. A day after his birthday we were talking on the phone and then before we got off he told me he loved me and I said it back…AND THAT was the start of a year long affair. We would see each other a couple times out of the week, or weekends and would have deep conversations and sex. One night he texted me about being a hurting soul and that he would explain more in person. He said he was so depressed about happened and couldn’t stop thinking about it. There was one night over the phone where I was questioning his love for me and  he came out himself and told me this wasn’t the first time he stepped outside of his marriage….and that I’m not just a piece of ***** what to him and that this is the first time he’s fell in love with someone outside of his marriage.

     One day he went into more detail about what was goin on with his marriage. He told me that while he was locked up for probation violation, his wife wasnt answering the phone. The day he was being let out, she was supposed to come get him, but when he got home, she was knocked out on the bed. Later, he found out from a guy friend that she had been walking a strip downtown with some dude who’d later be shot and killed by HIS girlfriend who he was abusive to. So basically she was dealing with some dude who had a girlfriend (probably as get back) and he was abusing the gf and she eventually shot and unalived him. He was saying what are they in the relationship for at this point? Apparently, she had caught him cheating 4 or 5 times before. I’m not sure if he actually said this to her or he was just telling me, but he said “Well, why didn’t you leave me then?” Why did you say you forgave me? He then went on to tell me, “You teach ppl how to treat you.” SO THIS GOES TO SHOW THESE MM ARENT STUPID AS MANY WOMEN LIKE TO BELIEVE. THIS IS HIM TELLING ME THIS IN REGARDS TO HER….HIS W.

     He said that even after discovering she had cheated back, he still chose to stay, but what for, because she is obviously not putting any effort into the relationship and acting like she wants to be in it. He didn’t feel loved anymore. He also stated he no longer wanted to be with his wife. So, I would say about 5 or 6 months in the affair, it was starting to become stale. I would dread holidays or birthdays comin up because I just knew I wouldn’t be able to spend them with him. And my feelings were starting to become hurt more and more every other day about our dynamic. I rarely expressed any of the feelings to him though. After all, he’s not a dumb. It’s not like he didn’t know any better and I wasn’t about to treat him like he didn’t know any better. I refused to give him an ultimatum or even ask where we stood. I remember one day him asking me why was I waiting for him and I was telling him that it didn’t matter because I didn’t care to have a relationship. He said to me, “But you want one with me though.” I know now that was a way of him telling me it’s probably not in my best interest to wait on him. After all, he's said himself before that he's very comfortable and they do everything together. They’ve been together since age 14. He and his W married at 19 when he got out of juvie. At that time she has just had a son from another guy .

     As time went on he has expressed wanting out of his relationship and has wanted to actually date and do things like go out to dinner, take trips , have a baby, and just make memories. But i wouldnt let it get but so far. I couldn’t. I think a part of me, though I REALLY wanted to be able to experience things with him and make memories, felt it was a huge investment on my part, to someone who was still married,  and there would have been no guarantee of him leaving eventually, even after doing all of those things. I also didn’t want to let him see me in more depth and get to experience me in every way possible in this dynamic. I don’t believe he was with me for just sex. Matter of fact, I don’t believe that for most affairs. ITS NEVER JUST ABOUT SEX. This man was wanting more. It’s obvious. He wanted a relationship, possibly a relationship to help him eventually get out of his current one. People often get on these forums and tell other ppl that the man only stepped out for sex when it doesnt make sense. It’s only to make themselves feel good and deluded themselves to think that this man was ONLY willing to risk his relationship for just sex. I would really like for someone to make it make sense. But I understand that its really just because alot of women, more than likely the betrayed, feels better knowing that a man that SHE chose to marry and fell in love with at one point in time, was ONLY using someone else for sex.

     The betrayed feel as though the betrayer couldn’t possibly be using them WHILST being in a marriage with them, yet the betrayer is getting needs met elsewhere. It also makes them feel as though they are different than the OW. But unfortunately, in cases like this, noone is as different as they'd like to believe. He lies to both, and he tells both what they want to hear. The only difference is one has a ring, which doesn’t says much…except for in the betrayer’s death and that’s sad in itself that a person has to die for someone to feel it was worthwhile.🤷🏽‍♀️ Many don’t seem to understand that if a man is lacking sex and looking for it then for 1. That is what he signed up for with you, the W. But if you are not giving that to him or as much as he may need it, then there are probably other things missing as well such as intimacy and the small things that matter. Now it’s still possible that he’s gettin sex and intimacy as a result to his cheating or whatever. BUT IF THATS THE CASE AND YOU CLEARLY DONT RESPECT YOUR OWN HUSBAND ENOUGH TO OPEN YOUR LEGS TO HIM THEN YOU HAVE A CHOICE OF LEAVING HIM.🤷🏽‍♀️ But see, 9x’s out of 10…he’s not the only one with the bs. I just feel like if spouses would both do THEIR INDIVIDUAL PARTS, they wouldnt be bringing their misery out into single dating pool. We are out here trying to live our life and is not expecting that we would have to deal with the extra bs that comes from 2 people not knowing how to part amicably.

     There is this notion that a man isnt expecting to get caught which is why he risk losing his family or relationship. A risk is a risk. Do ppl not believe that a man or woman has thought about what could possibly happen if they get caught? And to think it would be for someone he “supposedly” didn't even care about? Wow! The question then would be why would u even want a husband that is that careless?  The reality is that, they are so willing to to take the risk because they bank on the W taking them back. Men are not stupid, by far. These men stay in relationships for familiarity, comfort, finances, and to keep being able to cheat etc. And the sad part is, alot of times the W feels like they are doing something by having this invisible leash on him. Listen, alot of em will stay only to spite him or make sure noone else have him because lets be real, if most was being honest they don’t even want the man anymore, hence why they aren’t sleeping with them. But it’s an ok situation for him because he doesn’t have to make any moves. So, it’s not as if they really have some kind of control on the cheating spouse. The cheating spouse may let them believe that just to be able to continue to get their way.
     
     Truth is that, the OW or W would have to leave him alone before he leave them alone. It’s just what it is. Most men are very lazy and passive and will just take the most easy route. To avoid making a decision on either end. The men like this are not staying in these relationships to actively work to make it better. They are just going along with what’s thrown at them and only is doing enough to get by. As long as you have a person willing to let you do as you please, there’s no incentive to leave. As well as if you are the OW giving him what he’s not getting in his marriage. I think the issue here is that women are not willing to let a man go which is very telling. If I was either woman I would make it easy for him to live the life he obviously wants to live, and that’s the single life. I wouldn’t be surprised if these men didn’t intentionally do things with hopes the woman will make it easier for him to leave…hence why a man would ask, “Why didn’t you leave me then?” I mean it’s insulting. But because women hold on to these men, they just know that they are the greatest prize possession for them . That’s is what I gathered and especially through confirmation from the MM I was dealing with. They probably don’t even understand why you would stay with them because if it was them, they wouldn’t. And IF they are ever cheated on and they stay, they would just play you even more. Us women have to be stronger than that.
 

     As far as where I stand with my MM now, I am in no contact. I don’t plan on ever reopening that door with him. I will immediately ask marital status. Of course the MM is still messaging me and keeps resending friend requests on social media and etc but I will NOT fold! Understand if you are the OW, the WS may or may not be lying about his feelings for you, the nature of his marriage or wanting out, BUT it’s on you to see that it doesn’t even matter, if he’s too cowardly to take the steps needed to have a better life for himself and those he claim to love.  The right and courageous thing to do would be to talk about it with his W, and if there is no change, LEAVE. It would be ideal if that would have been done before you came into the picture BUT, this is the real world. Also W and H, stop looking for another person to investigate for you. If they fail to investigate someone’s status then that’s a lesson they’d have to learn but don’t make it seem as though you looking out for someone whom your spouse may be trying to bang. It’s Noone’s responsibility to babysit your spouse in hopes your life doesn’t get turned upside down. Also when it comes to this karma thing everyone likes to throw around.

     We create our own karma but I don’t believe in the way ppl believe we do. I believe what you choose to stay in and deal with is essentially your karma. I don’t believe in karma being this outside source or this thing that happens to someone else because they did you wrong or hurt your feelings. Karma doesn’t care about your feelings. Now if someone takes away a person’s means to live and necessities then they will have hell to pay because that is directly taking away a need for another as well as killing. We don’t have a right to take a life from another. We all have feelings and unfortunately will forever get our feelings hurt one way or another, that is inevitable and I’m realistic so I know no one is going to cater to my feelings and esp if they don’t know me or have some type of close knit relationship with me. Ppl ARE going to do what makes them happy and fulfill them whether for a moment or a lifetime regardless if I’m the collateral damage or not. BUT I DO believe that karma would be me continuing to be in an affair with someone not worthy of me and karma for a WS would be staying somewhere he is not truly satisfied, IF that’s truly the case, AS well as the spouse.

     We all DESERVE what we settle for, not what we think we deserve. Once I learned that, it changed my life. Women, never get caught up in a MM, the moment u find out his status and it’s married or separated. LEAVE immediately!!!!! And I know there’s this natural feeling of jealousy that may come over you when it comes to the W but just understand it’s all an illusion and it’s your ego. If you stepped foot on the other side of the coin, you’d see you wouldn’t dare want to be in that position as well. See, as much of an illusion the OW and W is for the H, it’s an illusion for the OW and W too. Neither is the better choice, it’s just a matter of what role the WS wants you to fulfill in HIS life and what role you feel is best for you in the moment BUT know that being the OW is not even worth the hassle.
 

     EVEN if your reason for wanting the OW role was because you truly don’t want a relationship and you don’t want anything full time, it’s not worth it. Sadly, the W serves a selfish purpose for him and you would serve his selfish purpose as well if you accept that. Understand and accept your natural feelings of jealousy but make sense out of it. Know that it’s not real, and you probably wouldn’t even want him if you had him because the W probably accepts a lot of BS nd she shouldnt even want that for herself to be honest. He’s no prize to her. He’s none to you. Work on yourself, find yourself and know that you deserve better. Dont even worry about what the W may or may not be doing. You know what HE is doing and that speaks volumes. A man doesn’t give you worth. 🙏🏾💫

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Meek Meek said:

     We create our own karma but I don’t believe in the way ppl believe we do. I believe what you choose to stay in and deal with is essentially your karma. I don’t believe in karma being this outside source or this thing that happens to someone else because they did you wrong or hurt your feelings. Karma doesn’t care about your feelings.

I've never been one to buy into the notion of karma (without a corresponding belief in past lives) as there seem to be too many people in the world who are arbitrarily completely screwed over through circumstances outside of their control. Things like extreme poverty, being victimized by an oppressive regime, childhood cancer, etc, etc. Karma also implies that those who get cheated on "did something to deserve it" - which really isn't fair to the majority of them I think.

That said, from your story you did indeed choose to hang around and continue the affair once you knew he was married. The fact he had deceived you from the outset was the first of a quite long series of red flags that you describe in your post. There is an expression that "broken attracts broken." Clearly something about the situation and/or the MM appealed to you significantly if you stayed in an affair with him for a year.

"Not needing a man to complete you" is probably a good thing for most women. Beyond that, I think the "lesson" for you here might well be not to accept highly dysfunctional people into your life, or at least not as romantic partners. I think taking that to heart might serve you well going forward.

[Meek Meek]

@mark clemsoni suppose the thing that did keep me in the affair for a year was the fact that my feelings were already in, even if it wasnt politically correct, it was good enough for me for the time that I was in it and once I started to feel like it wasn’t, I slowly but surely got out of it. I had to make myself get out of it and it wasn’t easy of course but, I did genuinely love the guy. Thats no excuses but hey…that’s factors in to why a lot of ppl choose to keep dealing with someone and I’m just being honest.😏

Edited January 8 by Meek Meek
Messed up

[mark clemson]

Fair enough. I believe that in reality people fall in love with the wrong person quite often - it happens every day. The key it to recognize it is the wrong person and then bite the bullet and detach.

"The heart wants what it wants" - true, but the heart doesn't always have to actually get what it wants, at least not if it's going to screw up everything else...