Setting the pace of dating/feeling rushed

[Qfan12_]

I have been dating a guy for 5 weeks now. He is charming and funny, bought me flowers on our first date and generally I have a nice time with him. The issue is he seems to be speeding things forward really fast. We had only been seeing each other 2 weeks when he asked if we could go on holiday this year. I have met his family already and he has said he wants me to have a cupboard at his so it feels homely to me. He said he wants to make plans of things for us to do for the next year, which to me is too forward thinking at this point. He also said we “work as one” and we should consult each other on life decisions. He asked me to stay at his in the week and I declined as I get up early for work and need to be well rested, but I said I can stay on a weekend. He had an issue with this and started to question if I like him. I said of course I like you, but due to some of my past relationships I like to take things one step at a time now and don’t want to dive into things head first. Again, he didn’t seem to like this statement. I’m not sure what to do as I feel I’m being bulldozed. I like him but I don’t want to end up feeling like I’m stepping into a long term relationship when it’s so early in the day. How can I set the pace when he doesn’t seem to accept the pace that makes me feel comfortable?

[stillafool]

Tell him you feel that you two are moving too fast and you'd prefer to move this relationship at a slower pace.  If he can't accept that he's probably not the guy for you. 

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Quizfan12 said:

He had an issue with this and started to question if I like him

 

13 minutes ago, Quizfan12 said:

How can I set the pace when he doesn’t seem to accept the pace that makes me feel comfortable?

What do you mean by *not accepting* ? Nobody can force you,  you stick to what you are comfortable with. If he is being mean to you or has a fit then you know it's time to breakup. 

What you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg that's about to hit you. 

My boyfriend was going pretty fast when we started dating but each time I lift my hand to say *that's a bit fast - or let's wait a bit on that* he respected each of my wish. He was so afraid to lose me he would never have asked me to do something I was not comfortable with. 

[d0nnivain]

24 minutes ago, Quizfan12 said:

 How can I set the pace when he doesn’t seem to accept the pace that makes me feel comfortable?

You do the pace that makes you comfortable.  Clearly he's going too fast.  Do not ignore that red flag. 

Do not stay at his during the week.  Deflect & change the subject when he brings up going on a holiday later in the year.  Don't use the cabinet he's offering you at his place.  In short you treat this like the new relationship it is, not the middle of an LTR

When your slow pace annoys him enough he will bail on you.  If he actually slows down you may have something but you won't until he listens to your needs.  

Edited January 9, 2024 by d0nnivain

[Alpacalia]

The comment about "consulting each other on life decisions" is a red flag - it's only been 5 weeks and you should not feel pressured to make major decisions together already. Trust your gut and take things at a pace that feels comfortable for you. If he can't respect that, it may be a sign that he's not the right fit for you.

[smackie9]

This guy is a jerk...getting all passive/aggressive because you are not following his plans. When a guy doesn't get his way and starts throwing accusations at you...he's a weenie. BIG RED FLAG. Boot him to the curb. 

Edited January 9, 2024 by smackie9

[Gaeta]

50 minutes ago, Quizfan12 said:

He also said we “work as one” and we should consult each other on life decisions

Like what? Has he asked you to share your financial details? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Quizfan12 said:

I feel I’m being bulldozed. 

Please trust your instincts. Especially with his pushiness and too much too soon agenda. Please slow down to your own comfortable pace. If he pouts about it consider it another red flags among the many you're already noticing 

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy is showing you some warning signs of being controlling and manipulative. 

It would be one thing if he was just really caught up in the excitement of the honeymoon phase, but heard and understood what you were saying when you told him you wouldn't be staying at his place during the week (and needed to slow down in general) However, he turned this into a measuring stick of your interest in him - which is a red flag in and of itself. 

I would tell him one more time that things were moving more quickly than I was comfortable with. If he still got upset, I would show him the door because it would tell me that he is absolutely not the right man for me. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Quizfan12 said:

I have been dating a guy for 5 weeks . He also said we “work as one” and we should consult each other on life decisions. 

Dating about 40 days or so and him expecting you to report to him is a major red flag. Add to this his poor attitude when you set appropriate boundaries. Please run from this situation. 

[Foxhall]

10 hours ago, Quizfan12 said:

I have been dating a guy for 5 weeks now. He is charming and funny, bought me flowers on our first date and generally I have a nice time with him.

sometimes people get caught up in the idea that the first few months together are the best time in a relationship,

hes probably got overexcited because he likes you,

I think if you start putting a few barriers up he will likely take the hint and ease off a little,

I dont think he is doing as much wrong as the others are suggesting- as I say he is merely excited.

but yes I also agree if your finding that overpowering- let him know, important to show your own independence in any relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Foxhall said:

I think if you start putting a few barriers up he will likely take the hint and ease off a little,

She tried that. It didn't work and he didn't ease off:

18 hours ago, Qfan12_ said:

He had an issue with this and started to question if I like him

This isn't someone just getting too excited. 

Edited January 10, 2024 by ExpatInItaly

[ShyViolet]

On 1/9/2024 at 9:41 AM, Qfan12_ said:

How can I set the pace when he doesn’t seem to accept the pace that makes me feel comfortable?

If he refuses to accept the pace that you are comfortable with then he doesn't respect you and he's starting to show a controlling side already.  I would seriously consider breaking this whole thing off if I were you.  Trust your gut.  If you feel "bulldozed" then you need to get out of this situation and not let it go any further.

[BaileyB]

I agree with expats comment above. The fact that you voiced your concern and he became upset is the problem here, in addition to the fact that he’s got this relationship on fast forward. I would have another serious discussion and if he does not change his tune, I would end it.

[Foster2023]

Red flags. Tell him to slow down. It sounds like he goes too fast which does not lead to successful relationships. 

[Liliana09]

On 1/9/2024 at 3:33 PM, Gaeta said:

Like what? Has he asked you to share your financial details? 

I wondered this ,or  snooping through the phone . Sounds like invasion of privacy, especially so early on aswell 🚩. 

[spiderowl]

On 1/9/2024 at 2:41 PM, Qfan12_ said:

I have been dating a guy for 5 weeks now. He is charming and funny, bought me flowers on our first date and generally I have a nice time with him. The issue is he seems to be speeding things forward really fast. We had only been seeing each other 2 weeks when he asked if we could go on holiday this year. I have met his family already and he has said he wants me to have a cupboard at his so it feels homely to me. He said he wants to make plans of things for us to do for the next year, which to me is too forward thinking at this point. He also said we “work as one” and we should consult each other on life decisions. He asked me to stay at his in the week and I declined as I get up early for work and need to be well rested, but I said I can stay on a weekend. He had an issue with this and started to question if I like him. I said of course I like you, but due to some of my past relationships I like to take things one step at a time now and don’t want to dive into things head first. Again, he didn’t seem to like this statement. I’m not sure what to do as I feel I’m being bulldozed. I like him but I don’t want to end up feeling like I’m stepping into a long term relationship when it’s so early in the day. How can I set the pace when he doesn’t seem to accept the pace that makes me feel comfortable?

He is pressuring you into being 'one' with him far too fast.  You are right to resist this.  I doubt he will ease off the pedal either.  He wants you to himself and to be spending all your time with him.  It could be that he is keen and inexperienced but if he has dated before, then I would seriously question if this guy is too controlling for you.  He is already making you feel guilty for not complying with his requests.  Thinking ahead for the year when you've only dated for 5 weeks is madness.  You should not have to consult him on life decisions at this stage; that is asking too much.  There is a fine line between being keen and being controlling.  Resist his attempts to push you into anything too soon.  If he complains, after you have told him a few times that it is too soon for you, tell him you are feeling pressured and see what his reaction is.  If there is any hint of anger, get out of this relationship.  Either way, be wary; the guy is trying to overwhelm you and that is rarely a good sign.

[Qfan12_]

The past few weeks he has busied himself with work and also helping a friend out with his reno project late into the night. He calls me every day and messages me constantly but mainly talks about himself and his problems. He has been spending weekends working, spending hours and hours doing this till he is exhausted.  He showers me with affection in messages, but when it comes to seeing me he expects me to fit around him, and only wants to see me at night when it’s convenient. I feel I’m on a bit of a push and pull rollercoaster and I’m not sure what to do. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Qfan12_ said:

. He calls me every day and messages me constantly but mainly talks about himself and his problems. he expects me to fit around him, and only wants to see me at night when it’s convenient.

Texting is not dating. He seems to be treating you as booty call. He seems to not want to bother with a relationship or making time for you. Please reflect on what you are getting out of this and if this type of booty call arrangement is working for you. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Qfan12_ said:

The past few weeks he has busied himself with work and also helping a friend out with his reno project late into the night. He calls me every day and messages me constantly but mainly talks about himself and his problems. He has been spending weekends working, spending hours and hours doing this till he is exhausted.  He showers me with affection in messages, but when it comes to seeing me he expects me to fit around him, and only wants to see me at night when it’s convenient. I feel I’m on a bit of a push and pull rollercoaster and I’m not sure what to do. 

What to do?  Stop seeing him.  Why are you letting him call the shots?

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, Qfan12_ said:

He has been spending weekends working, spending hours and hours doing this till he is exhausted

I would not beleive him. 

There is no friend that would devote his Saturday night to do renovation when he has a new girlfriend waiting for him. Your guy is spending his weekend with someone else. 

You've been dating 5 weeks only, why do you put up with this bs. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

There is no friend that would devote his Saturday night to do renovation when he has a new girlfriend waiting for him. Your guy is spending his weekend with someone else. 

Nailed it. 

It's time to drop him, OP. There is something not right with this guy. 

[ShyViolet]

19 hours ago, Qfan12_ said:

 I feel I’m on a bit of a push and pull rollercoaster and I’m not sure what to do. 

When you've only been seeing a guy for a couple of months and you already feel this uneasy and off about the relationship, you stop seeing him.  Why do you seem so unsure of yourself?  You are in control of your own life, you are not a passive spectator of your life and you shouldn't be letting him rule you.  You don't need his permission, or anyone's permission, to end a relationship that makes you feel uncomfortable and doesn't feel right.  

[ZA Dater]

On 1/27/2024 at 10:26 PM, Qfan12_ said:

The past few weeks he has busied himself with work and also helping a friend out with his reno project late into the night. He calls me every day and messages me constantly but mainly talks about himself and his problems. He has been spending weekends working, spending hours and hours doing this till he is exhausted.  He showers me with affection in messages, but when it comes to seeing me he expects me to fit around him, and only wants to see me at night when it’s convenient. I feel I’m on a bit of a push and pull rollercoaster and I’m not sure what to do. 

Stop seeing him. I think its important to not forget that dating is merely an interview basically and most people have other options so there is no inherent reason to stick with an option where you have these sort of reservations.

Having said all that it would seem he is very self absorbed and this is a problem he probably does not realize he has, the pace of the modern world makes it very easy to fall into this trap without being aware of it. You would need to decide how intellectually connected you feel and how much you enjoy the attention, its probably a balancing act to determine if he is a "maybe' or a "no".

He would need to compromise to a degree and I'd suggest if he is unwilling to do so you assess your options.

[Qfan12_]

Update: Things started to feel like they were getting better, he was even talking about us  going away for a mini break. Suddenly over the weekend he went silent and finally messaged me to say he was having second thoughts about me. This was all through messages, no other explanation. He said he would call to talk about it but he never did. It’s a complete 180 and I think @Gaeta in hindsight, you were right. All the time spent helping is friend was weird. Either there was someone else in the picture or his abandonment issues and insecurities got the best of him. Safe to say I have most likely been love bombed.