Are these people my friends?

[Shark Beans]

I met girl at the gym a few years ago. We mostly hung out in the spring, summer and fall when the weather was nice. (We'll call her Deb.) I thought we developed a friendship. We both have 2 dogs. We also would go to the local dog park when the weather was nice. There is another woman at the gym and dog park she also is friends with who also has a dog.(Well call her Karen) She has known Karen for many more years.  A lot longer than me. Deb used to talk crap about Karen until the last year and they became closer. They go to lunch,  they go on hikes with their dogs, they go shopping, they go on vacations together, etc... I do not. I am not included in any of these activities. They even discuss all their activities in front of me without including me. The one woman, Karen is often mean to me. She cuts off my conversations, tells me I complain all the time, tries to boss me around. Whatever I bring up, she shuts it down. Its so annoying.  I mentioned this to the other, Deb, and I was told "don't make me choose between you two." I never said that, or eluded to that.  Ever. I understand that I can't make people like me and I shouldn't be concerned about what they say behind my back. My question is: Should I even bother with people like that? I don't want to hang out with them just to be treated like s***. Today they both  told me all I do is complain. I mentioned how our gym facility is so run down and in need of repair. Also, in the past, I have heard both of them b**** about a similar thing! Can I ever win or should I quietly back away?  I've lost two very close friends to cancer in the last couple years and friends seem elusive to me  presently. I feel like this is junior high school mall over again. Sigh.  

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Shark Beans said:

 Should I even bother with people like that? I don't want to hang out with them just to be treated like s***.  I've lost two very close friends to cancer in the last couple years and friends seem elusive to me  presently.

Sorry to hear about your friends. These women seem a bit stuck up and it may be better to put them in the acquaintance category. Please continue to keep busy with clubs and sports and other activities making new friends. 

[Alpacalia]

It's hard to lose two close friends to cancer. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I would say if being around friends causes you stress and unhappiness then you need to ask yourself one question: 1) At what cost am I keeping this friendship? 2) Why are they important to me?

Sorry that 1 question is 2 questions but let's make lemonade with the lemons here..

[MsJayne]

30 minutes ago, Shark Beans said:

Deb used to talk crap about Karen

....until they got a bit closer and now Deb is talking crap about....you. And that's why Karen has a negative and condescending attitude towards you, she's heard a lot of crap about you. Deb has low self-esteem and limited self-awareness, and that's why she needs to put her friends down behind their backs, it makes her feel better. It also makes her a very toxic 'friend' so my suggestion is leave them to it and fade Poison Debbie as quickly as you can. No point confronting her, she'd just go and tell Karen you're crazy. Once your dog tunes in to your new attitude towards them he/she will hopefully growl if you happen to bump into them in the park. 

[Shark Beans]

Thank you for your reply. It was important to me because I thought they were friends. I kept thinking it was going to get better where they would feel like including me. I guess I'll have to start slowly backing away. I understand people can't be "fixed". And, yes, this causes me stress. 

[Shark Beans]

26 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

....until they got a bit closer and now Deb is talking crap about....you. And that's why Karen has a negative and condescending attitude towards you, she's heard a lot of crap about you. Deb has low self-esteem and limited self-awareness, and that's why she needs to put her friends down behind their backs, it makes her feel better. It also makes her a very toxic 'friend' so my suggestion is leave them to it and fade Poison Debbie as quickly as you can. No point confronting her, she'd just go and tell Karen you're crazy. Once your dog tunes in to your new attitude towards them he/she will hopefully growl if you happen to bump into them in the park. 

Thanks. You hit the nail on the head. This is exactly what I was thinking. I was getting insecure/low self esteem vibes from the both of them, esp Karen. Maybe they see me as some sort of threat to their friendship group... Who knows. I'm done caring. Let the fading begin! 

[Shark Beans]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

These women seem a bit stuck up and it may be better to put them in the acquaintance category.

Yeah... Sigh... They already are only acquaintance s to me... So no real loss. I'm glad I didn't spend any more energy on these two. 

[mark clemson]

18 hours ago, Shark Beans said:

friends seem elusive to me  presently

I think as an adult with folks so busy due to their responsibilities, what I've found working is shared interests. So a hobby you love or thing you do is an opportunity to find friends who share the same activities. Indeed in this case you found these folks via things you do (gym, dog park).

However, the adult who you meet is going to be their own eclectic individual person. So if they're not right for you as a friend, it's probably best to look for other friends via the some mode (mutual shared interests). If needed you can "rinse and repeat" until you find some folks you genuinely gel with, which doesn't seem to be the case here.