Stood up for Myself.

[BettyDraper]

I posted before about my fiance demanding a big expensive wedding. I was always very uncomfortable with this because of the cost and being the centre of attention. 

Another reason is his family. They are rude and overbearing. My fiance's parents and stepdad has been very inappropriate with respect to butting into our relationship and making awful remarks. My fiance's family is enmeshed and they see me as a threat to their bond with my fiance. They have insulted me and tried to drive a wedge between my fiance and I by poisoning his mind against me. My fiance sees his family for what they are and he's very embarrassed about their behavior. We limit time spent with them and he stands up for me. 

One example of their rudeness is the recent Christmas holiday. I volunteered to cook dinner for my in laws and friends because my MIL was too ill to cook. For two days, I cooked an elaborate meal for almost 10 guests. My fiance's stepdad criticized my turkey. My fiance was both appalled. What made it worse is that everyone complimented my food and took leftovers home with them. My fiance told me that his stepdad was being an ungrateful a hole and his comment was uncalled for. 

Back when my fiance announced our engagement, the first thing his stepdad said was "If she leaves you she can take half your house. Make her sign a prenup." His stepdad even sent my fiance a prenup template for me to sign. My fiance was disgusted and refused to make me sign a prenup. I don't have a problem with prenups because they can offer protection to the spouse with more assets. My issue is his stepdad's intrusiveness. It's none of his business whether or not my fiance would like me to sign a prenup. I also thought the timing of his advice was awful. What he said is akin to telling an excited newly pregnant woman that her baby may die or have birth defects. I work long night shifts and I attend university so it's not as if I'm some lazy gold-digger with my eye on my fiance's home. 

While we were dating, my fiance's dad kept getting in his ear about how my fiance "couldn't afford" me and I was too materialistic. I have never asked my fiance for money or gifts. I do like nice things but I don't expect my fiance to drain his bank account paying for them. I also contribute to our household expenses. My fiance and I both think that his dad's comments were unfounded and ridiculous. My fiance asked his father to chip in on wedding costs and his father refused. Interestingly, my fiance's father has begun to pay my SIL's bills when she and her boyfriend refuse to work. My fiance and I are both employed full time. I understand that my fiance's father was never obligated to help with wedding costs. However, the blatant favoritism bothers my fiance because his father is enabling his sister while refusing to help us. 

My MIL is a Christian. She was very vocal about her disapproval of her son and I living together before marriage. My MIL even went so far as to repeatedly lecture us about fornication. I thought her comments on her son's sex life were creepy and rather nosy. It's also interesting that my SIL has lived with her boyfriend for many years and my MIL says nothing to her. My MIL has commented on how I dress and my beauty regimen. She has said that I'm "too fancy". I didn't know it was a crime for a woman to get her nails done, wear makeup, and dress well. My MIL doesn't do any of those things but I have never commented on this. It isn't my place. 

My fiance is in therapy to process his childhood as well as navigating the enmeshment in his family. His therapist has said that it looks like his family is trying to drive me away and enmeshed families often feel threatened by the presence of a new partner. My fiance thinks that his mother is jealous of being "dethroned" as the most important woman in his life and she also finds me intimidating. 

I told my fiance that I am not interested in paying for a wedding to host his family members. I also said that while I understand that he is family oriented, it's completely unfair to expect me to waste money and effort on people who have tried to ruin our relationship. As the wedding costs climbed over 45K, I told my fiance that I was quite finished with being pressured into such an astronomical mismanagement of financial resources. I said that I was not going to marry a financially irresponsible person. My fiance finally understood my feelings and apologized for getting so caught up in wedding excitement that he forgot my feelings. We will be eloping and spending a lovely honeymoon in the mountains. It will cost under 15K and we couldn't be happier. I did ask my fiance how he will handle his family's reactions and he said "They will be upset but they will just have to deal. Our wishes come first. This isn't their life." 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, BettyDraper said:

  We will be eloping and spending a lovely honeymoon in the mountains. It will cost under 15K and we couldn't be happier. he said "They will be upset but they will just have to deal. Our wishes come first. This isn't their life." 

That's a wonderful solution. Enjoy your elopement/honeymoon and especially the peace and privacy. Unfortunately his family seem like hypercritical fanatics.  Hopefully you and your fiance will continue to distance yourselves. Congratulations. 

[basil67]

Good for you!  I'm so glad he finally gets it

When's the big day?

[MsJayne]

Excellent news, congratulations . Please let us know how his family handle this. I think his mother's going to be apoplectic. Fingers crossed for you that his family refuse to speak to either you ever again 😂.

[d0nnivain]

They do sound awful 

Congrats on the solution that works for you . I am thrilled that you were able to get your money back.  

[Els]

I'm glad you stood up for yourself and your fiance is on board. I think it's fine to have an expensive wedding as long as that's what the couple really wants and can afford, but to pay for an expensive wedding just to satisfy family would be ridiculous. If his family wants a big wedding, they should be paying for it. If you two are paying, then you should only pay for what YOU want and not a penny more - in this case, eloping.