Pain, finality, and closure on my recent whirlwind fling

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, seany25 said:

with the exact object of my desires.

I'm afraid it's hard to give sympathy when you've just literally described her as an object 🙄

This woman is far too sexually forward to be playing games with you - she's simply not interested in more.   She's probably off shagging someone else now.  Please don't message again or you'll embarrass yourself.

As far as being used, you have only been used if she deliberately misrepresented herself for personal gain. When it comes to casual sex, we all know that it can lead to nought and that's simply part of the risk we choose to accept when we do it.  It's time to file this away as a great experience

[Wiseman2]

Would you like this to be a dating/relationship situation? 

[seany25]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm afraid it's hard to give sympathy when you've just literally described her as an object 🙄

This woman is far too sexually forward to be playing games with you - she's simply not interested in more.   She's probably off shagging someone else now.  Please don't message again or you'll embarrass yourself.

As far as being used, you have only been used if she deliberately misrepresented herself for personal gain. When it comes to casual sex, we all know that it can lead to nought and that's simply part of the risk we choose to accept when we do it.  It's time to file this away as a great experience

Yeah I suspected that word would not go down well. Poor choice from me, I decided to put the exact cliché but I should have put woman. I hope she gets back in touch by the weekend. I guess we'll see.

The being used thing was just a light-hearted joke. What we did the other day was mutual, no-one got used. It was amazing, and I'm now feeling intense lust. Perhaps I'm just still wallowing in that afterglow. If nothing further happens, I'm happy to put it down to a great experience, and maybe one day it might even happen again, and hopefully it won't take 7 years this time 😄

Edited December 6, 2023 by seany25

[seany25]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Would you like this to be a dating/relationship situation? 

I would, but I know it sounds crazy because as some have highlighted, technically we hardly know each other. However, as I have said, she's the best I've ever had, so I think there would be something wrong with me if I didn't imagine the idea of something more with her, no matter how far from my grasp that may be 💖

At the same time, I'd also be happy to just be her spontaneous fling any time she feels like it 🔥

But, I do want one of those outcomes! Not the "you get no more" outcome 🥲😄

[seany25]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

If a person doesn't respond to us, they don't want to respond. She's not being held captive somewhere. She's not interested in going any further. She is not "too busy" to call. She's in her late 30s. She wouldn't be playing games of not replying to you--if she were interested, she'd respond by saying she had a good time with you and looks forward to seeing you again. And if she isn't playing a game, then you need to stay away from her--totally immature. 

I hear you on how you feel about all the great qualities you see in her (which are only from a glance I remind you!)

You write: She's intelligent, funny, a great conversationalist, open-minded, and ambitious ...

All you know at this point is that She SEEMS BASED ON TWO DATES TO BE intelligent, SEEMS BASED ON TWO DATES TO BE  funny, AND SHE APPEARS TO BE a great conversationalist, SEEMS open-minded, and COMES OFF AT QUICK GLANCE AS ambitious ... And remind yourself this: none of what you describe means she is capable of a serious relationship. All these impressions are simply valid for going on to a third date--not one bit more. 

We had already done all those follow-up texts about having a great time and meeting up again, and were just texting generally about our Monday when she suddenly stopped. There' was nothing unusual in our texts, though, it was just the same kind of stuff we were texting before we had sex. If anything, they had gotten a little bit more flirty now that we'd been intimate with each other, but I don't see how that would contribute to suddenly cutting communication.

I'm pretty sure my thoughts could be clouded by the fact she's the hottest girl I've ever had. I mean, if she was average - at least by my standards - I wouldn't be so bothered.

[Lotsgoingon]

Doesn't matter when the communication stops--after breakfast, lunch dinner, first time sex, third time sex--doesn't matter.  And it doesn't matter what the texts were about. People interested will respond to you writing, "I saw a fly on the wall."

When the communication stops, that's an unequivocal statement of no interest in going further. 

Edited December 6, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, seany25 said:

 just texting generally about our Monday when she suddenly stopped. 

Keep in mind, you're not exclusive so she may be busy talking to, meeting and having sex with others. Your brief encounter isn't her whole life so she's probably just carrying on. Hopefully she'll confirm your date by Saturday. What do you have planned? 

[seany25]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your brief encounter isn't her whole life so she's probably just carrying on. Hopefully she'll confirm your date by Saturday. What do you have planned? 

We are going to the cinema (I'm still talking as if we're still going out, because aside from 48 hours no texting, there has been no cancellation.. it's all in limbo at the minute).

I'm full of dopamine and intense emotion towards her right now. I think I have butterfly's in my stomach, even. The funny part is, I'm qualified in psychology, so I know exactly what is happening to me, and yet it can't be stopped 😄 at least not at this time.

Edited December 6, 2023 by seany25

[Alpacalia]

Giggles....

This is just my opinion; lack of the ability to effectively communicate what is the driving force behind many successful relationships. Think about something for a moment: Do you know what a women really wants, from a guys perspective, not a woman's perspective. Physical and emotional security, yeah? An intelligent sense of subtlety in getting what she most desires, and the satisfaction of knowing she can get it.

Women are adept at confusing even themselves, so when a potentially great relationship develops, it can be a bit of minefield to tread. You're burning off sex fuel.  Try not to panic, because she really is probably thinking about it, just like you are. Try to relax, lol.

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 hours ago, seany25 said:

If she was/is, what would be the best response, given the complexity of the circumstances? I know some might not see it as complex, but I feel like it is. I mean, if I had not been so passionately intimate with her, I wouldn't crave her so much, but now that I have, I do.

 

 

There is no appropriate response. You've texted her twice and she is ignoring you. She got a rush off of how you daydreamed about her for seven years. She isn't warm inside, from what you say. At all. What is there to love except the outside? Plus "being" whomever you wanted/needed her to be for one date? Predators pick up on that stuff as a matter of routine.

You are in love with her outside appearance and are making excuses as to why it's more than that, based on one conversation. Anybody can play anybody for just one conversation. She is no loss at all.

[Alpacalia]

It's not playing. This guy met her, what once or twice, and had sex, and now he wants a full blow relationship. Sorry, but if I were in the woman's shoes I'd be thinking this guy must be really lonely and instead of doing the social work necessary to find an apt dating partner and build up a relationship, he's trying to rush this. This is, by definition, the "love" of a sex-hungry man, and the woman was wise to put the breaks on. Look at how he has described the situation - he met her "once or twice" and had sex, meaning he doesn't really know her at all. Yet he's willing to call her "my love" and talk about a future together.

And he wants her to drop everything and devote herself to him, even though they barely know each other. There's no effort to build a real connection, just a desperate plea for her to fulfill his emotional needs and validate him as a man. This is not playing hard to get. This is a red flag of someone who is not genuinely interested in building a real relationship and is instead looking for a quick fix to fill a void in their life. The woman was smart to listen to her gut and not rush into something with this guy.

He may have strong physical attraction to her, but that doesn't mean he knows or understands her as a person. And yet he's already talking about a future together, as if physical attraction is all that matters in a relationship.

Edited December 7, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, seany25 said:

I have texted good morning 2 days in a row now with no response. 

Texting her two days in a row with no response is a pretty clear message that she is no longer interested in you and that you probably won't be hearing from her again.  At this point I would be assuming that the weekend plans are off.

5 hours ago, seany25 said:

As I said, she is physically the most attractive woman I've ever been with, but she is so much more than that. She's intelligent, funny, a great conversationalist, open-minded, and ambitious,

Again, this is someone who you hung out with TWO TIMES.  You don't know her well enough to draw all of these conclusions or be making sweeping declarations like that she is the "perfect woman for you."  At age 37 I'm frankly really surprised that you don't know this.  These are things that someone who is very new and inexperienced with dating might think.

5 hours ago, seany25 said:

Now I don't know if I should text good morning again tomorrow since she has not replied to me.

Why on earth would you do that?  She hasn't replied to you for two days in a row.  If you continue to text her it will make it look like you can't take the hint.  No, she is not "playing games" with you in order to try and make you like her more.... that's not how this works.  Not replying is something people do when they are not interested.  You are infatuated with someone you hung out with twice, to the point that your judgment seems to be out the window and you are not seeing reality. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, seany25 said:

 I'm qualified in psychology, so I know exactly what is happening 

Ok, then you realize if she's as attractive and sexual as you describe, she has plenty of other opportunities. So she's probably not holding her breath for a date. 

Hopefully your date will happen but unfortunately it's not looking good. She may be in the backseat of someone else's car by now. Maybe she's just into casual. 

[seany25]

Okay thanks, I have a lot more perspective now. I like the bit about her thriving off me dreaming about her for 7 years. If it was indeed that, then it was incredibly kind of her to pass by just to fulfil my fantasy. That's pretty much what it is at this point and this delights me, no matter what happens.

From 2018 to 2020, I had a casual fling with a different blonde. In the run-up to Christmas 2020, we (apparently) both felt the connection intensifying and I fell in love with her. Then she got cold feet and ghosted me. After a few months, I gave up the expectation that she would be back, but then she did come back after 5 months for 1 night of fun. I considered it a goodbye and that was that. Closure. That relationship actually would have been better if we had just stayed casual. Talking about getting serious was essentially the thing that ended it. So, in my experience, getting serious isn't always the happy-ever-after you dream it to be. I need to look back at this particular lesson.

I feel like the current situation is an extremely sped-up version of that. I'm not in love with her and it's not about a quick fix. She has no idea about my vague visions of a potential relationship. I don't even know if that's what I'd truly want, I crave the passion we had the other day, and perhaps that's all it is. I'm sure the current emotions I'm feeling are because it all happened so fast that I could barely believe it actually did happen - after 7 years, we matched again on Tinder on a Saturday. Exactly one week later, she came along and lit my world on fire for 1 day. She breezed in like a whirlwind and gave me the hottest afternoon of my life... and then she's off again.

That's where this intense infatuation comes from. A dream came true for me, and yet the girl at the centre of that dream continues to remain out of my reach. I got a sweet taste of her and now I'm hungry for more. But hey, even if don't get another bite of the fruit, it's still a cool story (I apologise for sounding like I'm trying to write a romance novel 😄).

As I mentioned above in my other example, I've been through infatuation and unrequited love before. So I will indeed come back to earth eventually.

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Women are adept at confusing even themselves, so when a potentially great relationship develops, it can be a bit of minefield to tread. You're burning off sex fuel.  Try not to panic, because she really is probably thinking about it, just like you are. Try to relax, lol.

I like this though. Despite the possibility of it being a one-off, the desire doesn't just go away. So, a little hope is much welcomed 💖😄

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

From 2018 to 2020, I had a casual fling with a different blonde.

A different "blonde"? 🙄

You have a large habit of peppering everything you say with a lot of language that objectifies women.  It's very outdated and can be a turn off for a lot of women.  I'm wondering if maybe the reason this current woman has fallen off the radar was something you said that turned her off.  Just a thought.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

it's still a cool story

Yes, seems to be. 

Edited December 7, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

A different "blonde"? 🙄

You have a large habit of peppering everything you say with a lot of language that objectifies women.  It's very outdated and can be a turn off for a lot of women.

This.

It seems to be about appearance for you, OP. You say so little about their characters and get so swept up in the superficial that I suspect these women pick up on it and bail. I know I would. 

[seany25]

Thanks for pointing out. Although I didn't/don't use this kind of language to her. I mean, she's far from a prude - she enjoys having filthy naughty things whispered in her ear during sex. So, I'd find it difficult to fathom that some playful wording puts her off. Still, I have noted this.

I've been hit with a few key realisations from this experience:

1. Since this is the most physically beautiful woman I've ever been with, standards have now been set. Currently, the last girl I had sex with is the most attractive girl I've had sex with, and this is the way it will remain until it's either her again, or a girl who possesses an equivalent level of beauty. I will never settle for less. Even for one-night stands (or one-day stands, hehe).
2. I believe this is going to make me a better person. Just to reiterate, this woman unexpectedly came back into my life, if for a brief moment, and delivered an unfulfilled fantasy that I had held for a long time. It might have never happened, but it did, and this fills me with a joy that I am confident will live on through me. Whilst I am pumped up with dopamine right now, I'm sure this internal smile will remain even if the infatuation settles down.
3. If I don't see her again, I'm grateful for the experience. I think that because she is such an enigma to me, there will always be a burning flame of lust for her within my soul. I'm okay with this. I cherish it. I feel like it holds a special uniqueness and this is going to help me to deal with her presence in my life being short-lived but impactful 🔥

I will also remain hopeful that if the current circumstances and plans are indeed cut short, our paths cross again at some point. It happened before, so it could happen again. Some would suggest that this is a bad idea, but it's not a bad idea if I'm okay with the idea 💖

[princessaurora]

It definitely seems like both of you got caught up in the fantasy of almost having sex 7 yrs ago and then finally getting to experience it. The buildup and curiosity was always waiting in the wings and thanks to modern technology it was attainable. Waxing nostalgia can make for some pretty incredible sex because it takes you back to that time in your mind and that may have been all this was about for her. The fact she's not responding now makes this pretty likely. 

[seany25]

38 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

It definitely seems like both of you got caught up in the fantasy of almost having sex 7 yrs ago and then finally getting to experience it. The buildup and curiosity was always waiting in the wings and thanks to modern technology it was attainable. Waxing nostalgia can make for some pretty incredible sex because it takes you back to that time in your mind and that may have been all this was about for her. The fact she's not responding now makes this pretty likely. 

I like this a lot and I think it's an accurate description of events, going all the way back to 2016. Especially if there is no further meeting (or at least no meeting for now).

As much as I crave more of that fierce passion, I'm content to see this exchange for what it was; a real-life fantasy, now fulfilled on both sides 🔥

Edited December 7, 2023 by seany25

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, seany25 said:

I like this a lot and I think it's an accurate description of events, going all the way back to 2016. Especially if there is no further meeting (or at least no meeting for now).

As much as I crave more of that fierce passion, I'm content to see this exchange for what it was; a real-life fantasy, now fulfilled on both sides 🔥

 

It wasn't her fantasy. She's physically super-attractive. She has guys begging for her attention all the time. It was just a recharge of her knowing she can get guys to act like she's amazing.

You keep talking about her physical attractiveness. You want someone extremely physically attractive, and that's that. As you said, "The standard has been set." So be it. Now you need to match that and exceed it so one of these amazingly physically attractive women wants you back, on a more permanent basis. Do whatever it takes to be well above average in every way you can think of. If this is what you want then it is and nobody is to judge. Just know that's what this really is so you don't spend seven years per gorgeous woman wishing you could have her just once. That is no way to live life.

[seany25]

18 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

 

It wasn't her fantasy. She's physically super-attractive. She has guys begging for her attention all the time. It was just a recharge of her knowing she can get guys to act like she's amazing.

You keep talking about her physical attractiveness. You want someone extremely physically attractive, and that's that. As you said, "The standard has been set." So be it. Now you need to match that and exceed it so one of these amazingly physically attractive women wants you back, on a more permanent basis. Do whatever it takes to be well above average in every way you can think of. If this is what you want then it is and nobody is to judge. Just know that's what this really is so you don't spend seven years per gorgeous woman wishing you could have her just once. That is no way to live life.

Yeah, to say it was fulfilled on both sides is wishful thinking. It's a nice idea, but she could have any man she wants.

I'm glad the standard has been set. It's going to make me even more motivated to reach the goals and dreams I have visualised for my career and education over the next 5 - 7 years. I secured the best job and salary I've ever been on a year ago. I have just bought my first home and it should be completed in January. I haven't had a drink of alcohol since last Christmas. I'm putting in the effort to be the most attractive man I can be.

So I just gotta believe I can get the dream girl too. Whether it is this girl or not.

But whatever happens, she has just lit a fire under my ass 💖

[CaliforniaGirl]

Just now, seany25 said:

Yeah, to say it was fulfilled on both sides is wishful thinking. It's a nice idea, but she could have any man she wants.

I'm glad the standard has been set. It's going to make me even more motivated to reach the goals and dreams I have visualised for my career and education over the next 5 - 7 years. I secured the best job and salary I've ever been on a year ago. I have just bought my first home and it should be completed in January. I haven't had a drink of alcohol since last Christmas. I'm putting in the effort to be the most attractive man I can be.

So I just gotta believe I can get the dream girl too. Whether it is this girl or not.

But whatever happens, she has just lit a fire under my ass 💖

 

Geat! Now it's time to start living instead of fantasizing. It's always great to have goals. Good luck!

[Alpacalia]

23 hours ago, seany25 said:

Okay thanks, I have a lot more perspective now. I like the bit about her thriving off me dreaming about her for 7 years. If it was indeed that, then it was incredibly kind of her to pass by just to fulfil my fantasy. That's pretty much what it is at this point and this delights me, no matter what happens.

From 2018 to 2020, I had a casual fling with a different blonde. In the run-up to Christmas 2020, we (apparently) both felt the connection intensifying and I fell in love with her. Then she got cold feet and ghosted me. After a few months, I gave up the expectation that she would be back, but then she did come back after 5 months for 1 night of fun. I considered it a goodbye and that was that. Closure. That relationship actually would have been better if we had just stayed casual. Talking about getting serious was essentially the thing that ended it. So, in my experience, getting serious isn't always the happy-ever-after you dream it to be. I need to look back at this particular lesson.

I feel like the current situation is an extremely sped-up version of that. I'm not in love with her and it's not about a quick fix. She has no idea about my vague visions of a potential relationship. I don't even know if that's what I'd truly want, I crave the passion we had the other day, and perhaps that's all it is. I'm sure the current emotions I'm feeling are because it all happened so fast that I could barely believe it actually did happen - after 7 years, we matched again on Tinder on a Saturday. Exactly one week later, she came along and lit my world on fire for 1 day. She breezed in like a whirlwind and gave me the hottest afternoon of my life... and then she's off again.

That's where this intense infatuation comes from. A dream came true for me, and yet the girl at the centre of that dream continues to remain out of my reach. I got a sweet taste of her and now I'm hungry for more. But hey, even if don't get another bite of the fruit, it's still a cool story (I apologise for sounding like I'm trying to write a romance novel 😄).

As I mentioned above in my other example, I've been through infatuation and unrequited love before. So I will indeed come back to earth eventually.

I like this though. Despite the possibility of it being a one-off, the desire doesn't just go away. So, a little hope is much welcomed 💖😄

My gosh man, 7 years ago? This could be some Guinness World Record long-term infatuation and she also knows it and that's why you may never be a thing... because of timing 🤷

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, seany25 said:

 whatever happens, she has just lit a fire 

Have you heard from her? Hopefully you'll have another date. If not, it's a good story to remember.  Hopefully it won't be another 7 years to find an attractive woman to date.