Pain, finality, and closure on my recent whirlwind fling

[Alpacalia]

Do you really have that low of self esteem? It's like you're trying to prove yourself? For what? Does this woman really mean that much to you?

[basil67]

 

4 hours ago, seany25 said:

I can't be 100% sure she's not seeing anyone else although I'm pretty sure there was/has been nobody else over the last month.

@seany25 the response "Hey 👋 erm... na I'm kinda busy today x" is exactly the response a person gives when they are seeing someone else.   If someone I was keen on sent me that, I'd move on. 

If she wasn't seeing someone else, she'd say "I wish I could, but I'm going out with my friends today" or "I've got a mountain of groceries and housework to do, lets work out another day".  People who have nothing to hide are open about what they are doing.   That said, her words and behaviour speak quite clearly to the fact that you're not the only one, so I guess it's a positive that she's not being secretive

I hope you're religiously using condoms

Edited January 6 by basil67

[Sony12]

10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Do you really have that low of self esteem? It's like you're trying to prove yourself? For what? Does this woman really mean that much to you?

I imagine she needs to keep a calendar to keep all her men straight.

[Alpacalia]

I guarantee if this woman was in your view satisfied with you that this thread would cease to exist.

There is something within you that is painting a picture of the situation to match an inner belief of yourself that you feel unworthy of such companionship.

We've been through this before. And no this is not an assumption, simply an educated guess.

So I am going to put this to you from how I would handle it. Firstly I would let her make and take her on her terms. If I was in her position I'd appreciate that rather than what you've described as the role you've tried to fill, even if your intentions were good. So go silent for a few days. No contact at all. Then after a few days I would contact her out of the blue. I would simply text her with a picture of a steaming cup of coffee and a chocolate cake.

And text here saying "thinking of you, care for a coffee and a piece of cake or care to bake together". It's that simple. If she responds positive let her lead. Try to arrange it but let her take the lead. Take it at her pace. The thing is I don't think your making this woman feel special. You're making it out like you feel you're lucky she lets you be in her company. Which is slightly abhorrent. You are equals. You just need to let it happen without trying to control it.

Now, I hate giving that advice because I think you are way over your head. And my advice from an ethical stand point is be single until you can trust yourself. Only date when you can hold yourself with self respect and dignity. You are looking for love to fill a hole and a relationship won't make you more worthy or earn you love/friendship. But that isn't going to stop you. And I know I can't stop you. So if you want her you need to have a deep think about why you seem to be following a pattern that is not normal.

You have to agree it's abnormal to hold seven years of longing for someone in this manner. You are seemingly trying to force an intimacy to prove what you feel. It is not even about her. This is about you. Once again picking up on the snippets we've seen it screams self-worth issue.

Edited January 6 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, seany25 said:

The negging stuff wasn't even intentional.  But it could be at least partly the reason she's gone a bit cold, having had time for that comment to stew.

The text is definitely blowing you off, but then again you're asking for last minute hookups. And after the remark she's probably not that keen. 

[FredEire]

Something I'm surprised nobody has mentioned is you say that Christmas Day was the best day of your life because of something "explicit".

I enjoy good sex as much as the next person but I would put my best sexual experiences way behind personal achievements, witnessing historical events, seeing my favourite band etc. etc.

I think it says a lot about how much you overvalue sex in your life and how stress over how a hook-up buddy is acting is ruining you mentally. I think you're probably a sex addict.

[Sony12]

Well maybe in a way those two belong together then. They are like those two characters from Great Expectations.

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You seem determined to be dense and not take any advice that is given to you here so I'm not sure why you keep posting.

For attention?

[Alpacalia]

OP there is certainly some form of a risky self-destructive mechanism.

When you have a personality that has a borderline quality to it, you tend to attract people into your life who may have similar qualities. There is usually an intense physical attraction, but beneath that are some ulterior emotions that mimic intense love and cause all kinds of confusion and obsession. Not saying this is her issue, just perhaps yours.

You had seven years of immense emotional pain, most OF THE TIME and you have little in common other than these intense sexual feelings. Instead of looking at her reaction as a problem, try looking at your over romanticizing or herostratic idealism through “rose-coloured glasses” as the real problem.

To me, it sounds like you are more into the hunt, the chase, and the drama than the woman herself.

You do not have enough in common to be in a healthy long term relationship because you do not share the same life values. Your entire relationship is based on a strong sexual desire that lasts while it is hot, but when questioned down the line, it is difficult to maintain because you have different desires, do not share common interests, and have problems with intimacy due to your own avoidant attachment.

This is a pattern that needs to stop or you will continue to get hurt.

[Lisa]

New thread on this topic has been closed and merged with the old thread.  Posters have offered many good ideas, however it seems that none of them are resonating with the OP

[seany25]

I'm here to respond to one of the brilliant comments I got on my other thread. I expect this thread will get deleted although I don't understand why.

Thank you Alpacaia for actually answering the question I asked about what I should potentially do next. I appreciate the recognition that I would like to do something instead of just letting it quietly fizzle and die.

I also truly appreciate the in-depth observations you provided - There is something within you that is painting a picture of the situation to match an inner belief of yourself that you feel unworthy of such companionship - this is incredibly insightful and as a psychology grad it blows my mind to hear such deep thoughts about myself from someone who's evidently a significantly intuitive and clever person. Thank you. Your analysis has given me a lot to think about.

You are also right to call me out on looking like I'm some kind of inferior little wuss whose only purpose is her. I know I have come across that way at times but in reality, it's not so intense. Yes, it may be extremely fantastical in my head, but it's not like I stalk her or anything. The 7-year thing is also overstated; it's not like I was chasing her every day or every month for 7 years. That said, I am definitely enamoured with her, especially with consideration of the events of the last month.

[ ] 

Edited January 7 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
comments to mods will be removed

[ShyViolet]

Your other threads were closed because you were given eleven pages of good advice but you seem not to be listening to any of it and just repeating the same things over and over.  

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, seany25 said:

I'm here to respond to one of the brilliant comments I got on my other thread. I expect this thread will get deleted although I don't understand why.

Thank you Alpacaia for actually answering the question I asked about what I should potentially do next. I appreciate the recognition that I would like to do something instead of just letting it quietly fizzle and die.

I also truly appreciate the in-depth observations you provided - There is something within you that is painting a picture of the situation to match an inner belief of yourself that you feel unworthy of such companionship - this is incredibly insightful and as a psychology grad it blows my mind to hear such deep thoughts about myself from someone who's evidently a significantly intuitive and clever person. Thank you. Your analysis has given me a lot to think about.

You are also right to call me out on looking like I'm some kind of inferior little wuss whose only purpose is her. I know I have come across that way at times but in reality, it's not so intense. Yes, it may be extremely fantastical in my head, but it's not like I stalk her or anything. The 7-year thing is also overstated; it's not like I was chasing her every day or every month for 7 years. That said, I am definitely enamoured with her, especially with consideration of the events of the last month.

[ ] 

Thanks. Glad you found it helpful and I hope that you find the answers you are looking for. I know that it can be difficult to put yourself out there and ask for advice, especially when it is personal in nature. But please know that there are people out there who genuinely want to help and offer insight, and they are not all mean-spirited or dismissive. It's important to filter through the negativity and focus on the positive and constructive feedback you receive.

Edited January 7 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
comments directed at moderation will be removed

[seany25]

I got properly dumped by this woman earlier in the week.

I felt like things were cooling off over text, again, and I called it out, asking if we were still dating, and she told me she was no longer interested in pursuing any further with me.

As much as it stung, I thought I accepted it quite gracefully in my response. I told her I appreciated her honesty and wished her all the best. but then some of the things she said afterwards killed me...

• When we got drunk at Christmas, she didn't like how I changed and became more loud and overly boisterous
• She questioned my emotional intelligence as she had told me about a previous abusive relationship and my response was to get angry about the guy who beat her up
• She thought I tried to make her insecure when I spoke about my ex texting me
• She says I'm egocentric and self-centred

I mean, we still managed to have a great night on Christmas, but having had a week or two to think about things, it seems she came to the realisation that she was done with me after all the red flags I displayed when I was drinking. And I almost certainly put the final nail in the coffin a few days after Christmas when I tried to initiate sex with her whilst she was still annoyed with me about events a few days prior. That definitely didn't do me any favours.

I have never experienced the level of highs and lows that I've gone through with this woman over just 6 weeks. December was such an exciting and unbelievable month. It still feels like a fantasy; which, in many respects, it has been, and in the most peculiar way, I am still thankful for it all no matter how painful some of it has been, but this hurts like hell. There is something about this whole thing that's made a unique impact on me than any other relationship I've ever had. I know I'm not in love with her, so it's not that. It's the speed at which this all happened that blows my mind, then it's the fact that she's the hottest woman I've ever been with, as well as the hyper-sexual nature of our encounters. I guess the 7-year desire that I had for her plays a big part, too. I am shell-shocked right now at how exciting things have been since we matched on Tinder in late November, and now I've been dropped like a stone and it's all over. I'm dazed.

I've already stated how so much of what she is and what she does stands out from every other woman I've ever been with, and even the breakup stands out; I have never had feedback from a woman on my character, what I did wrong, and the ways I messed things up. I responded gracefully to this too. I told her it hurt to hear it but it's given me a lot to reflect on and that I'll use it to become a better person than I was before, and apologised for how I behaved. There was no further response from her. There was no need, nor did I expect one.

I would probably have preferred to keep this part to myself, but I thought I might as well finish the story no matter how happy or painful it is... and it is painful. It's been settling in for a few days now, and I'm in the early stages of coming to terms with this entire experience. It's been crazy. This is going to leave a mark.

The worst part is, that the ultimate downfall is my fault. I had not had a drink for a year and then when I did have one, it helped me to mess up something potentially great with the most desirable woman I've ever been lucky enough to experience. To be truly honest, I'm not even sure this thing had long-term potential anyway, and I had my doubts, for several reasons, but now we'll never know, and it's due to my own idiotic behaviour. To reiterate something Alpacaia observed on the other thread, I do think that somewhere deep down, I didn't truly feel like I was worthy of her. I have to try and bring myself back to the appreciation that it even happened at all instead of dwelling on how I messed it up, but that will be difficult, and I know for sure this is going to be added to the list of lifetime regrets.

Anyway, I have no choice now but to work on getting past this. I have a date on Saturday with a woman I matched with on a dating app this week (I become active on them again to try and take my mind off things). We get on well over text and voice notes and we are interested in many of the same things, but I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do. On one side of the coin, it might be a welcome distraction, and rebounds are not always a bad thing (from what I have read), but on the other hand, it could just add to my turmoil, not to mention, that I don't want to mess anyone else around with my issues.

Thoughts on any of this, now that it's come to an end? And, is the date on Saturday a bad idea?

[NuevoYorko]

Well ... I'm not sure if this will comfort you or maybe make it worse, but she dumped you before and then pretended like that never happened.  She probably has it in her to do it again if she's on a "dry spell" or feeling needy for some worship.   

[Gaeta]

You were infatuated and it will pass. You are currently experiencing withdrawal, yes it works like getting over an addiction. Once it's passed you will feel silly that for a moment you thought this was the woman of your life. 

Yes I think it's a bad idea to go on a date in the state of mind you're in. You'll just end up wasting someone's time. I remember when I was online dating, I wasted so much time on men that were just trying to entertain themselves (with me) to forget another woman. 

[Weezy1973]

My observation is that I as well am concerned about your emotional intelligence. The amount of words you’ve written over what in the end will be a relatively meaningless short term sexual situationship is pretty extreme. 

[seany25]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Well ... I'm not sure if this will comfort you or maybe make it worse, but she dumped you before and then pretended like that never happened.  She probably has it in her to do it again if she's on a "dry spell" or feeling needy for some worship.   

It doesn't make it worse, in fact, I've thought about those points myself. Things broke down in December and then we randomly bumped into each other and it was back on again, but what makes it sting so much harder this time around is that we had those additional intimate encounters over the holidays, with emotions growing stronger (on both sides), and whatever it is we had between us was on track to continue until I messed it all up by behaving like an idiot when I was drinking.

Again, this might not have lasted long-term either way, but I am really kicking myself for being the reason that it ended the way it did.

43 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You were infatuated and it will pass. You are currently experiencing withdrawal, yes it works like getting over an addiction. Once it's passed you will feel silly that for a moment you thought this was the woman of your life. 

Yes I think it's a bad idea to go on a date in the state of mind you're in. You'll just end up wasting someone's time. I remember when I was online dating, I wasted so much time on men that were just trying to entertain themselves (with me) to forget another woman. 

Thank you. Yeah it's early withdrawal and I have even been able to see some humour in how I've managed to mess things up.

I may reconsider the date but I think either way as long as I'm honest with her then no harm done.

15 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

My observation is that I as well am concerned about your emotional intelligence. The amount of words you’ve written over what in the end will be a relatively meaningless short term sexual situationship is pretty extreme. 

Haha I understand... I mean, I review literature for authors as a hobby, so I do like to get detailed with my words (as many of you will have noticed 🤭).

Edited January 12 by seany25

[Alpacalia]

Sometimes the best approach is just to enjoy the experience for what it is (was).

I felt similar attachment to someone I dated a short time, and this is coming from someone that tends to take awhile to warm up to someone, never married/no children, and was with someone for 7 years before agreeing to an engagement. But I loved what I saw and appreciated during that brief time.

I'm sorry you feel regret. If this is affecting you this much, maybe it wasn't just a fling at all. You actually felt something for her. Don't feel bad about this, it's a good thing. It's part of life.

Just make sure the women you date match the things important to you.

As for the upcoming date, 1) Try to flush out lingering feelings creatively. Create music/lyrics, write poems or something fun. I'm not sure it's a good idea for you yet, just ensure you're doing it for the right reasons.

[BaileyB]

I tend to agree with everyone above - you are really overthinking this OP.

[ShyViolet]

I do think going on the date with someone from a dating app on Saturday is a bad idea.  You are not in the headspace to be dating someone new right now.  You are all over the place.  You'll be wasting someone's time.

She hit the nail on the head.... you are seriously lacking in emotional intelligence.  That's been a common thread of all your posts about this ordeal.  I hope you reflect on that and really work on yourself.

[seany25]

47 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Sometimes the best approach is just to enjoy the experience for what it is (was).

I felt similar attachment to someone I dated a short time, and this is coming from someone that tends to take awhile to warm up to someone, never married/no children, and was with someone for 7 years before agreeing to an engagement. But I loved what I saw and appreciated during that brief time.

I'm sorry you feel regret. If this is affecting you this much, maybe it wasn't just a fling at all. You actually felt something for her. Don't feel bad about this, it's a good thing. It's part of life.

Just make sure the women you date match the things important to you.

As for the upcoming date, 1) Try to flush out lingering feelings creatively. Create music/lyrics, write poems or something fun. I'm not sure it's a good idea for you yet, just ensure you're doing it for the right reasons.

Yeah, that's what I was saying about trying to bring the experience back to the "smile because it happened..." territory. It was an interesting chapter and I'm grateful for it all. The highs, the lows, the excitement, and the pain. You are right, I had strong feelings for her and they are mostly lustful.

Whilst I do feel regret and probably always will about how things turned out, I think on a deeper level, what I'm truly afraid of is that I won't feel the same level of lust and desire with another woman that I had for her, or experience the same fiery passion. Anything less than that will be unfulfilling, and I just don't see myself settling for mediocrity. This is where, as I said before, my standards have been raised and the bar has been set. Not just with regards to desire and passion, either, it's also about looks. Some might see it as shallow but since she's the hottest lady I've ever been with, I'm just not going to be happy to settle for anyone less attractive.

But since it's over and I have no choice but to move on, I have to start looking forward to finding that even more perfect girl. She's out there, I gotta believe that.

[Alpacalia]

22 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Yeah, that's what I was saying about trying to bring the experience back to the "smile because it happened..." territory. It was an interesting chapter and I'm grateful for it all. The highs, the lows, the excitement, and the pain. You are right, I had strong feelings for her and they are mostly lustful.

Whilst I do feel regret and probably always will about how things turned out, I think on a deeper level, what I'm truly afraid of is that I won't feel the same level of lust and desire with another woman that I had for her, or experience the same fiery passion. Anything less than that will be unfulfilling, and I just don't see myself settling for mediocrity. This is where, as I said before, my standards have been raised and the bar has been set. Not just with regards to desire and passion, either, it's also about looks. Some might see it as shallow but since she's the hottest lady I've ever been with, I'm just not going to be happy to settle for anyone less attractive.

But since it's over and I have no choice but to move on, I have to start looking forward to finding that even more perfect girl. She's out there, I gotta believe that.

Lust isn't bad. Its what motivates us to get out of bed in the morning and to build, create, achieve, etc. It is a gateway to passion and fire, yes. But yes, also it does blind us. To me, blind passion and fiery desire are not sustainable. They are like fireworks--a magnificent show, but brief and temporary.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, seany25 said:

• When we got drunk at Christmas, she didn't like how I changed and became more loud and overly boisterous
• She questioned my emotional intelligence 
• She thought I tried to make her insecure when I spoke about my ex texting me
• She says I'm egocentric and self-centred

She gave you the gift of great insight. That you need to stay sober because apparently you can't handle the drink. 

Edited January 12 by Wiseman2

[seany25]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

She hit the nail on the head.... you are seriously lacking in emotional intelligence.  That's been a common thread of all your posts about this ordeal.  I hope you reflect on that and really work on yourself.

 

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She gave you the gift of great insight. That you need to stay sober because apparently you can't handle the drink. 

Trust me, the feedback and character annihilation hit deep, and I fully intend to use it to better myself (I didn't even share everything she said!). It's also why I felt it important to tell her I was going to reflect on it and reassess myself, so that in parting, she knows she will potentially have made a positive impact in the way I conduct myself from here on, even if we never see each other again at any point ever again.

When the initial sting passes I will be taking full stock of myself and making changes. The drinking thing will be easy, especially in light of this. I already took a year off out of choice. With the irony being that I messed this up when I had my first one in year 🫠

Edited January 12 by seany25