Pain, finality, and closure on my recent whirlwind fling

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, seany25 said:

I'm talking overall. Like, the number of times communication have opened and then closed over the years. My experience of her has often been one of being led to believe things are going somewhere and then it going nowhere.

That's really on you.  You should have gotten the message way earlier that this woman wasn't very interested in you and was never going to stick around for a real relationship.  You chose to ignore clear signs of her disinterest multiple times, to keep foolishly chasing her, and to keep yourself stuck in a fantasy.  She didn't trick you or bamboozle you or do anything of the sort.  Hell, everyone here was telling you all of this for the last few weeks in your other epic thread and you ignored that, too.  Take responsibility for your decisions.

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Can you clarify what exactly you did when drinking that was so idiotic?

What does "overly boisterous" even mean in this situation? Were you running around in circles in the neighbourhood? Trying to do cartwheels in the living room? What? 

😆

One has to wonder.

[Acacia98]

14 hours ago, seany25 said:

I got properly dumped by this woman earlier in the week.

seany25, I sometimes find your posts confusing. You know why?

Well, for one, you made it clear that your encounters with this woman were super-casual, but then you go on to say that she dumped you, which implies that you were in a formal relationship.

Secondly, you have said, time and again, that if your thing with her ends, you'll be okay with it. And then you proceed to go into this apparent deep mourning when it ends. You clearly are not okay. Are you aware you're not being completely honest with yourself about your intentions/feelings?

There's something else you keep doing that I think you should reexamine: the claim that this woman meets the highest standards that you have aspired to so far. You're clearly talking about her physical attractiveness when you say that. But isn't it time you also started to up your standards in the realm of emotional health? Shouldn't you aspire to be better and to date women who are psychologically in a better place than this woman?

Edited January 13 by Acacia98

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You're young, there are types of attraction, beauty and connections you don''t even know exist. 

He just sounds young.  Opening post of the previous thread, OP said he is 37

Edited January 13 by basil67

[basil67]

8 hours ago, seany25 said:

No, there was no throwing or smashing. It was conversational.

And yet, in a post back in 2016, this is what your anger looks like: "I was so angry that I was going to kill or seriously maim as many men as I knew or suspected she slept with, by cutting their privates off".   And getting bent out of shape when you weren't the winning bidder in a bidding war over here.    And these aren't your only angry rants.  Of course, we all have the right to have a rant on LS, but your rants are pretty intense..

Given that your reaction to her history was part of why she ended this, I think you're under representing what happened here.  I mean, it doesn't make sense that she'd cite your allegedly calm reaction to her disclosure as a reason for ending the relationship.  And my mantra for life is: If it doesn't make sense, it's probably not true.

Edited January 13 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

😆

One has to wonder.

Was it Dennis-style?

 

😂

[ShyViolet]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

He just sounds young.  Opening post of the previous thread, OP said he is 37

37 years old but has the maturity level of maybe an 18 year old.  That's what is so wrong with all this.

[NuevoYorko]

17 hours ago, seany25 said:

 It's about having the same desire and lust I have for her, as well as the same level of physical beauty. Any less is no good. 

That's actually a very low bar.   

[FredEire]

As others have said, I don't think this ended because you had a drink and got boisterous (although this might be something to take as a lesson going forward). It ended because you're two emotionally immature people who didn't really have the potential for a relationship.

It's clear from your postings that you'd like to meet someone beyond a hookup, but I think that involves doing some real work on yourself beyond Wim Hof breathing techniques, ideally with the help of a professional.

[Alpacalia]

Yes. I don't think berating you for being emotionally immature is very helpful. You may be expressing your emotions in a way that is not ideal but it's what you were taught to do. It's what most of us have been taught to do - to repress, ignore, or suppress our emotions. Not that that excuses your behavior and I hope that now that you recognize a problem, you can take steps to address it.

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes. I don't think berating you for being emotionally immature is very helpful. You may be expressing your emotions in a way that is not ideal but it's what you were taught to do. It's what most of us have been taught to do - to repress, ignore, or suppress our emotions. Not that that excuses your behavior and I hope that now that you recognize a problem, you can take steps to address it.

Yes, we haven't heard her side either but I'd be willing to bet there's a number of issues on her end too.

If you're not mentally/emotionally healthy you don't attract healthy relationships. It's a bitter pill but it's that simple sometimes unfortunately. Not a reason to beat yourself up but rather take accountability and aim to build yourself up as a person.

Another issue is that you seem very focused on sex fantasies but relationships aren't compatible with this. The person has to come first and the sexual desire is a secondary compliment. If sex is all you're focused on the person is always going to disappoint you and you won't be able to connect in a healthy way.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, FredEire said:

Yes, we haven't heard her side either but I'd be willing to bet there's a number of issues on her end too.

If you're not mentally/emotionally healthy you don't attract healthy relationships. It's a bitter pill but it's that simple sometimes unfortunately. Not a reason to beat yourself up but rather take accountability and aim to build yourself up as a person.

Another issue is that you seem very focused on sex fantasies but relationships aren't compatible with this. The person has to come first and the sexual desire is a secondary compliment. If sex is all you're focused on the person is always going to disappoint you and you won't be able to connect in a healthy way.

Oh. I agree with your prior comments 110%.

OP. I hope you can take this advice and learn to 'put the person first and the sexual desire second'. It's a great character trait for the future.

Edited January 13 by Alpacalia

[seany25]

I accept that I've contributed to messing this up. I think that in reality, this thing probably didn't have long-term potential, anyway, as some of you have alluded to. This probably would have ended at some point. So perhaps it's better if it ended now because it would be even more painful if it was in a year.

Acacia98 - When I say she "dumped" me, sure, we weren't in an official relationship, but it was effectively still a dumping. Yes, I said I would be okay with things ending, but I have found out that I was wrong about that... again, I imagine my pain would be worse if this had gone on longer.

The 2016 post was about how I felt 4 years before that. I am not the same person. I should also add that I never actually carried out any of those threats. If the girl in question were to come on here and give her side of the story, it would probably sound very different. I would not argue with it, either. She would be 100% correct. However, I can assure you that any concerns she has about me were due to verbals.

I want to figure out why I'm so hurt by this. Why have I been so infatuated with this particular woman? Why have I created such an intense fantasy around her? Is it because we had that date 7 years ago and then finally hooked up 7 years later? Is it the hyper-sexual nature of our encounters? Is it that she's the hottest woman I've ever been with? It's probably all the above, and more... but I still need to figure out what the hell is going on in my mind, and why.

This is going to be one of my life's greatest memories and regrets.

Edited January 15 by seany25

[basil67]

3 hours ago, seany25 said:

Why have I been so infatuated with this particular woman? Why have I created such an intense fantasy around her?

Because lack of emotional maturity.  The infatuation delivered a huge dopamine hit and instead of managing your expectations, you let yourself get completely carried away.   The answer is learning to manage you own choices and behaviour. 

You recently said that you won't settle for a woman who's less attractive and less horny than this woman in future.  That's you seeking your next dopamine hit. You just want the 'feel good'.   Notice how your sensible self didn't kick in and remind you a good relationship needs someone who's also good company, caring, consistent, loving, reliable?  

Do you have a history of seeking dopamine hits to an unhealthy level?  Drugs? Thrill seeking behaviour?  Casual sex? 

Edited January 15 by basil67

[basil67]

38 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Because lack of emotional maturity.  The infatuation delivered a huge dopamine hit and instead of managing your expectations, you let yourself get completely carried away.   The answer is learning to manage you own choices and behaviour. 

You recently said that you won't settle for a woman who's less attractive and less horny than this woman in future.  That's you seeking your next dopamine hit. You just want the 'feel good'.   Notice how your sensible self didn't kick in and remind you a good relationship needs someone who's also good company, caring, consistent, loving, reliable?  

Do you have a history of seeking dopamine hits to an unhealthy level?  Drugs? Thrill seeking behaviour?  Casual sex? 

Wait....it may not be emotional immaturity!  I was getting assessed for ADD recently and discovered that people with ADD/ADHD have low levels of dopamine and so they tend to make (sometimes poor) choices in doing things which give them a hit.  People who have this dx can also get labelled emotionally immature LOL

It could be worth reading up on it or seeing your doctor if you think it fits.

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Wait....it may not be emotional immaturity!  I was getting assessed for ADD recently and discovered that people with ADD/ADHD have low levels of dopamine and so they tend to make (sometimes poor) choices in doing things which give them a hit.  People who have this dx can also get labelled emotionally immature LOL

It could be worth reading up on it or seeing your doctor if you think it fits.

ADD seems to be almost the norm with very addictive personalities. It is, as you say, thrill seeking to manage your racing mind.

I think emotional intelligence and emotional regulation can be two very different things. I think I'm quite good at reading emotions, picking up a vibe and placing myself in someone else's shoes. Emotional regulation though that's a whole different issue... I relate to Seany a bit in that I can get totally emotionally overwhelmed by things sometimes in a way that's not helpful or proportionate.

I've never been diagnosed but I definitely think I have it to an extent, my brother does and he's also a poly addict. Might be worth checking out.

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

Wait....it may not be emotional immaturity!  I was getting assessed for ADD recently and discovered that people with ADD/ADHD have low levels of dopamine and so they tend to make (sometimes poor) choices in doing things which give them a hit.  People who have this dx can also get labelled emotionally immature LOL

It could be worth reading up on it or seeing your doctor if you think it fits.

Very interesting. I am reading that men are hit with ADHD 3 times more than women. It's not rare to see men acting like OP, some men will let a strong sexual attraction derail their entire life. 

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Very interesting. I am reading that men are hit with ADHD 3 times more than women. It's not rare to see men acting like OP, some men will let a strong sexual attraction derail their entire life. 

It's a kind of manic feral madness, I've had loads of friends with mild to very bad ADD. It either goes into something creative or addictions, there's no other way to manage it.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, seany25 said:

 I still need to figure out what the hell is going on in my mind, and why.

To start, you're still drinking heavily and enough to create problems by being obnoxious which she clearly stated. 

So you can run around like a dog chasing it's tail, but until you get clean and sober and address whatever (properly diagnosed) mental health issues coexist with your addictions and alcohol misuse you aren't going to find answers.

Once you are in appropriate therapy and support groups you can explore thrill seeking, high risk behaviors and other compulsive and addictive behavior. 

[Alpacalia]

Dopamine is a funny thing. I mean, something as simple as a like to a comment delivers a 3 second dopamine rush to the brain. But yes, these intense feelings are indeed mostly generated by the increased dopamine and serotonin levels, but it still doesn't make it any easier to move on for you it seems. That is normal though and nothing to be ashamed of. Just take this time to focus on yourself, to process things, to learn from the experience, and to heal.

[seany25]

The ADD suggestion is an interesting one. And yes, I have been addicted to party drugs in the past; using them to ridiculously extreme levels.

Maybe one of the biggest reasons I'm so hurt by this is due to me viewing her as being better than any other woman I've ever been with in almost every way. If I'm thinking "She's the best" then that might explain how this has been so difficult and not easy to shake. I think it's probably quite natural to worry that you'll never do better than her. But I have to believe that I will, no matter how hard it is to imagine right now.

I'm not sure if I said this before, but I decided not to go on the date at the weekend because 1. I wasn't feeling good and 2. She isn't as attractive as this girl. Slightly shallow, maybe, but what's the point of going on a date with someone you are not attracted to? Especially given that I've decided my standards are now of a particular level.

I feel depressed. I know the on-and-off drinking has not helped, and I am stopping that. I was hungover yesterday, and alcohol withdrawal just makes your pain and anxiety worse. I feel like I'm properly grieving; where I just want to lie in bed all day. But I've forced myself to get up today and do some work. I'm lucky to have a 100% remote career in which I don't need to interact with too many people, at least not face-to-face or on Zoom, because I'm not feeling very sociable or talkative.

To get over this, I think the only, or best answer is that (at some point) I need to find a woman who is of equal or greater beauty and possesses the other traits I find so attractive in her. Yes, I know this sounds like I'd be going in search of another extreme dopamine hit but I don't see any better way to get over this woman than to get a better woman 🤷 I just can't see me being happy to settle for anything less because I'd always think back to the hotter one I had. Again, maybe shallow, but whatever.

And, okay, I will also consider therapy, too. I guess it can't do me any more harm than I've done to myself. I think once some of this sting passes, I'm going to have to look at my life from a new perspective, like I'm "starting over again". I'm moving home soon, so that's going to be a good point from which to adopt this 'new start' mindset.

Man, I'm really hurting. What an extreme 7 weeks it's been. I'm too dazed right now to even consider coping skills. I don't even know where to start. I have no interest in watching any movies or reading any books, I can't concentrate, anyway. I'm also a part-time student who is way behind in my studies, and I have no idea how I'm going to get through that. The only thing I can think of that I could actually be bothered doing that doesn't involve me lying on bed going over things in my head wishing I could go back and unmake the mistakes I made, is going for a walk. And even then, I'll still be thinking about this rollercoaster experience, thinking about her. But at least I can fill my lungs with some fresh air.

This will leave a scar, but I'm looking forward to feeling better at some point.

[BreakOnThrough]

Women have the uncanny ability to dodge a relationship and make it appear it's all the guys fault.  Her reasons for ending things were her own and solely from her own perspective.  She was simply done with you, move on yourself.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

The ADD suggestion is an interesting one. And yes, I have been addicted to party drugs in the past; using them to ridiculously extreme levels.

Maybe one of the biggest reasons I'm so hurt by this is due to me viewing her as being better than any other woman I've ever been with in almost every way. If I'm thinking "She's the best" then that might explain how this has been so difficult and not easy to shake. I think it's probably quite natural to worry that you'll never do better than her. But I have to believe that I will, no matter how hard it is to imagine right now.

I'm not sure if I said this before, but I decided not to go on the date at the weekend because 1. I wasn't feeling good and 2. She isn't as attractive as this girl. Slightly shallow, maybe, but what's the point of going on a date with someone you are not attracted to? Especially given that I've decided my standards are now of a particular level.

I feel depressed. I know the on-and-off drinking has not helped, and I am stopping that. I was hungover yesterday, and alcohol withdrawal just makes your pain and anxiety worse. I feel like I'm properly grieving; where I just want to lie in bed all day. But I've forced myself to get up today and do some work. I'm lucky to have a 100% remote career in which I don't need to interact with too many people, at least not face-to-face or on Zoom, because I'm not feeling very sociable or talkative.

To get over this, I think the only, or best answer is that (at some point) I need to find a woman who is of equal or greater beauty and possesses the other traits I find so attractive in her. Yes, I know this sounds like I'd be going in search of another extreme dopamine hit but I don't see any better way to get over this woman than to get a better woman 🤷 I just can't see me being happy to settle for anything less because I'd always think back to the hotter one I had. Again, maybe shallow, but whatever.

And, okay, I will also consider therapy, too. I guess it can't do me any more harm than I've done to myself. I think once some of this sting passes, I'm going to have to look at my life from a new perspective, like I'm "starting over again". I'm moving home soon, so that's going to be a good point from which to adopt this 'new start' mindset.

Man, I'm really hurting. What an extreme 7 weeks it's been. I'm too dazed right now to even consider coping skills. I don't even know where to start. I have no interest in watching any movies or reading any books, I can't concentrate, anyway. I'm also a part-time student who is way behind in my studies, and I have no idea how I'm going to get through that. The only thing I can think of that I could actually be bothered doing that doesn't involve me lying on bed going over things in my head wishing I could go back and unmake the mistakes I made, is going for a walk. And even then, I'll still be thinking about this rollercoaster experience, thinking about her. But at least I can fill my lungs with some fresh air.

This will leave a scar, but I'm looking forward to feeling better at some point.

I think most of this post is really positive and lucid Seany. Im really grateful I never got into party drugs because I know I would have loved them and I have several friends (most of whom also have ADD) who say they feel like they've blown out the pleasure centres in their brain and will never really feel the same way about a lot of things again. It's something you can work on recover to an extent though with healthy habits.

The bit I have a bit of a issue with it that you want to "obtain" a "better" woman. I know where you're going with this because I've suffered with the same mindset myself and still do at times. It's the idea that the value of a woman is solely how hot and sexy she is, how she can give you pleasure in bed etc.

Of course we all crave these things if we have a healthy sex drive but it's not the full picture. You could hire a prostitute who is and does all these things for you. What she can't do is be there for you as a life companion, care for you and support you through the good and the bad, share funny moments and add to your happiness and life experience.

That second bit is what you're missing, you don't seem to regard it at all. I'm not someone who says physical attraction and good sex isn't important, it absolutely is, but the other bits are more important for a loving relationship and it's only once you both value this in women you're dating and are capable of providing this yourself that you'll meet someone worthwhile who's going to stick around for the long term.

Edited January 16 by FredEire

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

This will leave a scar, but I'm looking forward to feeling better at some point.

This is a 7 week dating relationship. It will not make you or break you. 

All this tells me is that your life is empty and you are looking for a beautiful women to fix it for you. It does not work that way. You will never be able to keep a woman in your life if you put on her the entire responsibility of your happiness. 

You need to fill your life with meaningful people (other than dates), personal challenges, you need to get your drinking under control, you need to get your life back on track! If a beautiful amazing woman has a choice between  you and a man that's on top of his game who she's gonna pick?

And I am so in agreeance with @FredEire. You view women as something to 'obtain' as if they're just objects that will bring you pleasure and pride...get a fancy car. 

 

Edited January 16 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

. I know the on-and-off drinking has not helped. I was hungover yesterday, and alcohol withdrawal just makes your pain and anxiety worse.  I just want to lie in bed all day. . I'm lucky to have a 100% remote career in which I don't need to interact with too many people, at least not face-to-face 

That's very insightful. Alcoholics tend to isolate.