Pain, finality, and closure on my recent whirlwind fling

[basil67]

26 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I was also wondering how the psychologist could help me. I mean, we already know, theoretically, that all this has probably been due to my addictive nature, so what does the psychologist do that can make it better? I feel like my experience with this woman has cut me deep and no matter what we do or say, I will always know how much it hurt, so what is the goal of the therapy when the experience will always be in my mind? Coping mechanisms?

Psychology is not a short term fix.   I got the following from Google because it describes it better than I can:  "[A psychologist will] assist individuals [ ] in areas related to personal wellbeing, interpersonal relationships, work, recreation, health, and crisis management".   In short, they will help you understand who you are and why you do what you do, and then take that knowledge to give yourself a better future.

26 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I was doing some reading today and stumbled upon some coping strategies. One that stuck out to me was "shock trauma" or "traumatic shock", and that resonated with me. I believe it closely resembles what this is... The speed of the exciting whirlwind fling, the extreme highs and lows, my brain being flooded with dopamine for a month followed by whatever chemicals the rejection brings, and after all those ups and downs, now it's just a continual low because the whirlwind is over and no more highs are coming - I think I'm experiencing a shock trauma response.

I don't doubt that this is how you're feeling.  But when I think of traumatic shock, I think of people who have been affected by or assisted in catastrophic situations.  Sudden loss of a loved one, extreme acts of nature, terrible car accidents.  Or perhaps being cheated on by a long term partner and having your family fall apart.  The fact that you're feeling this way after a seven week fling does suggest that your emotions are very much out of kilter.  Does it really make sense to you that you feel this bad after a fling?

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, seany25 said:

There is indeed a psychological wound that pops up now and again when I am faced with trauma. I used to take too much speed (amphetamine) of which the comedown would sometimes be a 2/3 week psychosis episode where I was paranoid about everyone and everything. Since then, my mind sometimes goes into overdrive (is triggered) when I'm facing things out of my control and starts making up these painful stories for which there is often no solid evidence, but there are snippets from which my mind begins to build (in this case, the text, and my lack of memory at what I said to him).

I'm now thinking that you also need a psychiatrist

[Gaeta]

Please take an appointment now.

[seany25]

32 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I don't doubt that this is how you're feeling.  But when I think of traumatic shock, I think of people who have been affected by or assisted in catastrophic situations.  Sudden loss of a loved one, extreme acts of nature, terrible car accidents.  Or perhaps being cheated on by a long term partner and having your family fall apart.  The fact that you're feeling this way after a seven week fling does suggest that your emotions are very much out of kilter.  Does it really make sense to you that you feel this bad after a fling?

Yeah another variation is emotional shock. Where something huge has affected you mentally to the point where you are unable to function normally.

No, it does not make sense. I keep trying to bring myself back to reality and tell myself I was lucky it even happened at all, and that I'm still alive, etc, but I made some very bad decisions that determined the outcome and I have an overwhelming sense of doom, as if this whole thing is going to be a dark cloud hanging over me for the rest of my days.

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Please take an appointment now.

I'm scared of everything right now and I'm not functional enough to start therapy right away.

Edited January 18 by seany25

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I'm scared of everything right now and I'm not functional enough to start therapy right away.

Let a professional decide that. 

You need to tell a professional like a doctor or a psychologist about your distress. You don't know but you may be in the middle a crisis and you need to be medicated. YOU do not have the judgenent right now to decide what you need. Again, let a professional decide.

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Yeah another variation is emotional shock. Where something huge has affected you mentally to the point where you are unable to function normally but I made some very bad decisions that determined the outcome,  No, it does not make sense. I keep trying to bring myself back to reality and tell myself I was lucky it even happened at all, and that I'm still alive, etc, but I made some very bad decisions that determined the outcome 

I think you're over pathologising this.  Honestly, I'd be more likely to use the word 'heartbreak'.  Have you ever had a heartbreak before?  It's called heartbreak because your whole heart, mind and body hurts.  It sucks, but it will ease.

Regarding your decisions affecting the outcome: from the very beginning we were all telling you that this was unlikely to have a future.  There are literally pages and pages of us saying this but you wouldn't listen.  Fact is, you didn't ruin anything.  So now I will shout in the hopes it gets through to you: IT WAS ONLY EVER GOING TO BE A FLING and you're very likely just one of many who she had risky sex with.  You've been operating under a delusion this whole time

Quote

I have an overwhelming sense of doom, as if this whole thing is going to be a dark cloud hanging over me for the rest of my days.....I'm scared of everything right now and I'm not functional enough to start therapy right away.

You need to get to your doctor immediately.  Or take yourself to the hospital for a mental health assessment.  You are in need of help.

Edited January 18 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

Maybe with the death of your mother this interaction with this woman has just resurrected a bunch of past stuff, and maybe that’s where you needed to go for the new year, it’s like when you need to dig deep in a challenge because that what helps you grow and develop on many levels.

It also sounds like you're very depressed, and probably grieving, and just bottomed out which is only natural after all you've been through over the past 15 months.

Some people choose other ways to bury their depression - alcohol, drugs, sex, Netflix, escapism - we all have our choices in our dark corners. Just sayin is all, I think you know that.

Edited January 18 by Alpacalia

[seany25]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Honestly, I'd be more likely to use the word 'heartbreak'.  Have you ever had a heartbreak before?  It's called heartbreak because your whole heart, mind and body hurts.  It sucks, but it will ease.

Regarding your decisions affecting the outcome: from the very beginning we were all telling you that this was unlikely to have a future.  There are literally pages and pages of us saying this but you wouldn't listen.  Fact is, you didn't ruin anything.  So now I will shout in the hopes it gets through to you: IT WAS ONLY EVER GOING TO BE A FLING and you're very likely just one of many who she had risky sex with.  You've been operating under a delusion this whole time

Yes I've been heartbroken before and went through similar feelings. This feels worse tho because of the value I've put on her looks and the lustful excitement I got from the fling being better than anything I've ever had before. So it's like I've lost the "best ever" and probably worried I'll never get that again.

You are right about the fling thing. I keep telling myself that it's very unlikely to have lasted long. She has not had many long term relationships herself, so why would I be any different? So perhaps by just repeating that truth to myself, it will eventually stick.

Edited January 18 by seany25

[seany25]

31 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Let a professional decide that. 

You need to tell a professional like a doctor or a psychologist about your distress. You don't know but you may be in the middle a crisis and you need to be medicated. YOU do not have the judgenent right now to decide what you need. Again, let a professional decide.

 

30 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You need to get to your doctor immediately.  Or take yourself to the hospital for a mental health assessment.  You are in need of help.

I am going to get through tomorrow and go to the events with with my friend on Friday and Saturday night. I need to get myself into social environments as a distraction.

Then on Monday I will I will explore the therapy.

28 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Maybe with the death of your mother this interaction with this woman has just resurrected a bunch of past stuff, and maybe that’s where you needed to go for the new year, it’s like when you need to dig deep in a challenge because that what helps you grow and develop on many levels.

It also sounds like you're very depressed, and probably grieving, and just bottomed out which is only natural after all you've been through over the past 15 months.

Some people choose other ways to bury their depression - alcohol, drugs, sex, Netflix, escapism - we all have our choices in our dark corners. Just sayin is all, I think you know that.

The thought crossed my mind that there may be delayed depression from my mother and that this has somehow brought it to the surface. Like, I lost my mother and got on with life, but now I've "lost" this woman and all hell breaks loose in my mind.

I don't have much interest in my hobbies at the moment although I did download some books. The first I'm going to read is The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F. I've read it before and thought it was okay, but I think this time around it'll be more helpful.

But there are probably better, deeper books that I need to look at.

I think it should be a good thing when I have to move in a few weeks. I can use it as a "new start" and all that stuff.

Edited January 18 by seany25

[seany25]

Oh, another thing I've been trying to come to terms with today is, she is not thinking about me, so why the hell am I allowing myself to be so hurt by all this, letting her "live rent free in my head" and all that?

It's not that I'm allowing it, obviously. If I could switch the pain and emotion off, I would, but I have come to a point where I need to start using the truths of the matter to my advantage:

1. It was just a fling and was very unlikely to become long-term
2. She now clearly doesn't think about me or care how I'm feeling
3. She played me to some degree, with the hot and cold texting and gaslighting

I even told her at Christmas how insanely attracted to her I am, yet I'm disposable to her, so why on earth do we let people who don't, or no longer care about us, affect us?

I really need to start giving less of an F.

Edited January 18 by seany25

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully you realize this whole fling was a symptom not the other way around. But you're determined to party so carry on. 

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Oh, another thing I've been trying to come to terms with today is, she is not thinking about me, so why the hell am I allowing myself to be so hurt by all this, letting her "live rent free in my head" and all that?

It's not that I'm allowing it, obviously. If I could switch the pain and emotion off, I would, but I have come to a point where I need to start using the truths of the matter to my advantage:

1. It was just a fling and was very unlikely to become long-term
2. She now clearly doesn't think about me or care how I'm feeling
3. She played me to some degree, with the hot and cold texting and gaslighting

I even told her at Christmas how insanely attracted to her I am, yet I'm disposable to her, so why on earth do we let people who don't, or no longer care about us, affect us?

I really need to start giving less of an F.

You're not going to get anywhere by victimising yourself.   Instead, you need to focus on your own choices and behaviour and how you contributed to this mess.

 

Instead of "She now clearly doesn't think about me or care how I'm feeling",  Try "It was fling. It's time I move on"   

Instead of "She played me to some degree, with the hot and cold texting and gaslighting" try "I was a fool to think there was a future with someone who wasn't consistent. I should have read the signs (and listened to the good people of LS) and walked away"

All in all, we've told you multiple times that she didn't play you - you played yourself.  She never presented herself as someone who was suitable for a long term thing.  

Edited January 18 by basil67

[seany25]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're not going to get anywhere by victimising yourself.   Instead, you need to focus on your own choices and behaviour and how you contributed to this mess.

Instead of "She now clearly doesn't think about me or care how I'm feeling",  Try "It was fling. It's time I move on"   

Instead of "She played me to some degree, with the hot and cold texting and gaslighting" try "I was a fool to think there was a future with someone who wasn't consistent. I should have read the signs (and listened to the good people of LS) and walked away"

All in all, we've told you multiple times that she didn't play you - you played yourself.  She never presented herself as someone who was suitable for a long term thing.  

Yeah, okay, you're right. Reframing and rephrasing is a more positive thing to do.

[seany25]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully you realize this whole fling was a symptom not the other way around. But you're determined to party so carry on. 

The whole episode has definitely brought a lot to the surface that needs to be addressed. The first being that maybe I need to admit that I'm an addict and I still have an addictive nature (okay, that is an understatement).

I'm not determined to party. I just want to weather this storm and come out the other side intact, and I want to try taking a few of my own steps first, with the casual events.

Edited January 18 by seany25

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, seany25 said:

Why on earth do we let people who don't, or no longer care about us, affect us?

This is what people have been trying to impress upon you for pages and pages of this discussion…

YOU are the person who is allowing her to continue to affect you - you made this into much more than it was and you can not let it go… You really need to answer this question for yourself - why are YOU continuing to do this when most people would have moved on long ago and with way less drama…

Edited January 19 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, seany25 said:

I'm scared of everything right now and I'm not functional enough to start therapy right away.

This makes absolutely no sense.  You're not being logical right now.  You don't need to get yourself "ready" for therapy.  You come as you are and let the therapist guide you and help you.  That's what it is there for.  It sounds like deep down you don't want to go and are just making excuses.  Which is fine, it's your life and your choice, but if you choose to refuse help then don't complain when your life is still in shambles and you can't function.

 

6 hours ago, seany25 said:

I was also wondering how the psychologist could help me. I mean, we already know, theoretically, that all this has probably been due to my addictive nature, so what does the psychologist do that can make it better? I feel like my experience with this woman has cut me deep and no matter what we do or say, I will always know how much it hurt, so what is the goal of the therapy when the experience will always be in my mind? Coping mechanisms?

 

At this point, the level at which you are quickly spiraling, I would say you probably need not just a therapist but a psychiatrist as well.  It sounds highly likely that you have some serious mental health issues going on, I'm not going to try and diagnose you but whatever is going on with you mentally needs a professional diagnosis.  Only then it can begin to be addressed and treated, and you can get your life on track.  It very much sounds like you are still resistant to it and making excuses.  You are still talking about "fixing it yourself" by just reading books and going on walks and things like that.  Which is disappointing because that is delusional and clearly not going to work.  It seems that the reality of all this still hasn't sunk in yet.

You have one life to live and you have two choices.... continue to spiral out of control, or get yourself on a better course.  You can't solve these problems yourself by just reading books and self-medicating.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I would say you probably need not just a therapist but a psychiatrist as well.  It sounds highly likely that you have some serious mental health issues going on

My thoughts exactly. 

You don't need to be "functional" for therapy, seany. That is simply another excuse to delay the scary step of actually getting real help. But you need it. Your over-the-top reaction to this is a serious cry for professional support. 

 

[FredEire]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My thoughts exactly. 

You don't need to be "functional" for therapy, seany. That is simply another excuse to delay the scary step of actually getting real help. But you need it. Your over-the-top reaction to this is a serious cry for professional support. 

 

Yes, "get myself ready for therapy" is an oxymoron, you're going to therapy because you're not "ready" for life.

It's like saying I need to be less busy so I can go to the gym. If you need it, you make time and you go ASAP, period.

Also as Wiseman said "getting ready" by going to parties at the weekend sounds like a relapse waiting to happen.

Edited January 19 by FredEire

[seany25]

I am actually beginning to feel a little bit better today.

The paranoia I had about my friend was false. I spoke to him today and we talked about our call at the weekend. He told me I was upset but I didn't tell him who she was, as I wanted to respect her confidentiality; and I had a feeling I said that. I just wasn't sure.

Anyway, a lot of the pain I felt this week was because of the excessive and unnecessary paranoia. I had misinterpreted what he said. Now that I know I was not betrayed by my friend, my anxiety has decreased and I'm back to "only" having to deal with my perceived loss, not a loss followed by a betrayal. In a weird way, my worrying about something that didn't happen has, I believe, helped me to begin transitioning into the acceptance phase.

Today, I've been thinking about how happy and grateful I am to have had the experiences with her that I did. Sure, I'm still upset that the excitement and fun didn't continue, and there is some jealousy at the thought of someone else having her attention, but I do have those fabulous memories with her that before the 25th of November, I would not have believed were going to take place in my life the following month. I mean, I got to fulfil fantasies with her!

I'm still sad that it's over and that sting of sadness will probably still hurt now and again when I think about her, but I think ultimately, I will become a better person as a result of all this, and I have her to thank for that.

I'll still go to therapy and that stuff, but I'm currently just embracing the emotional pain having subsided from severe, to a much lower level where I am more functional than I was all week.

I'll look at the therapy on Monday, as I said.

Edited January 19 by seany25

[FredEire]

5 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I am actually beginning to feel a little bit better today.

The paranoia I had about my friend was false. I spoke to him today and we talked about our call at the weekend. He told me I was upset but I didn't tell him who she was, as I wanted to respect her confidentiality; and I had a feeling I said that. I just wasn't sure.

Anyway, a lot of the pain I felt this week was because of the excessive and unnecessary paranoia. I had misinterpreted what he said. Now that I know I was not betrayed by my friend, my anxiety has decreased and I'm back to "only" having to deal with my perceived loss, not a loss followed by a betrayal. In a weird way, my worrying about something that didn't happen has, I believe, helped me to begin transitioning into the acceptance phase.

Today, I've been thinking about how happy and grateful I am to have had the experiences with her that I did. Sure, I'm still upset that the excitement and fun didn't continue, and there is some jealousy at the thought of someone else having her attention, but I do have those fabulous memories with her that before the 25th of November, I would not have believed were going to take place in my life the following month.

I'm still sad that it's over and that sting of sadness will probably still hurt now and again when I think about her, but I think ultimately, I will become a better person as a result of all this, and I have her to thank for that.

I'll still go to therapy and that stuff, but I'm currently just embracing the emotional pain having subsided from severe, to a much lower level where I am more functional than I was all week.

I'll look at the therapy on Monday, as I said.

Yes but keep in mind this kind of pain is disproportionate to your actual experience.

It's not all about getting over this woman, it was just a trigger for something much deeper coming to the surface that you can't afford to ignore.

[ShyViolet]

7 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I am actually beginning to feel a little bit better today.

The paranoia I had about my friend was false. I spoke to him today and we talked about our call at the weekend. He told me I was upset but I didn't tell him who she was, as I wanted to respect her confidentiality; and I had a feeling I said that. I just wasn't sure.

Anyway, a lot of the pain I felt this week was because of the excessive and unnecessary paranoia. I had misinterpreted what he said.

Ok, but the fact that one little comment said by a friend could send you into such an out-of-control spiral should be a sign to you that something is really off with your mental state.  Your mental health seems to be quite fragile and can be set off by the smallest thing.  

[seany25]

Yeah I understand and accept that. My mind can go to dark places and think up horrible things and that's almost certainly damage that I done back from the psychosis in my drug days that has stayed with me, and can be triggered.

[ShyViolet]

3 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Yeah I understand and accept that. My mind can go to dark places and think up horrible things and that's almost certainly damage that I done back from the psychosis in my drug days that has stayed with me, and can be triggered.

So what if your friend HAD slept with that woman?  What would happen?  You would lose your mind and all hell would break loose and you wouldn't be able to be ok ever again?  Do you see how letting your mental state hinge on external events like this is a recipe for disaster?  You need to have the tools to be able to regulate yourself and your emotions.  Those are tools you don't seem to have right now.

[Rider on the Storm]

35 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Today, I've been thinking about how happy and grateful I am to have had the experiences with her that I did.

If we take you at your word, an uninterested woman basically used you for sex a few times over the course of a 7 year period. If you're happy and grateful for those experiences, great. Otherwise, this all seems like a big ball of nothing. If it helps you to get over it, she probably barely remembers your name at this point.

Edited January 19 by Rider on the Storm

[NuevoYorko]

That woman and your drunken sex encounters with her are taking up way, way too much real estate in your head and emotions.   MOVE ON.