Pain, finality, and closure on my recent whirlwind fling

[Alpacalia]

Meh. She lacked emotional IQ herself. One doesn't dress up like a naughty mrs. santa clause and put glitter all over her body and invite you over only to turn around and say that you're just coming over to have sex with her.

[seany25]

20 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Meh. She lacked emotional IQ herself. One doesn't dress up like a naughty mrs. santa clause and put glitter all over her body and invite you over only to turn around and say that you're just coming over to have sex with her.

Ha, I guess so! Right now, I'm too wrapped up in how much I've been at fault here, when she's not entirely innocent.

Whilst I do accept my own wrongs and blunders in this, she really knows how to use her looks and sex appeal to reel you in, chew you up, spit you out, and leave you wanting her.

I'm glad she lives 60 miles away because this would be wayyy harder if we lived in the same town; I'd be so anxious trying to go about my day. I'm also moving soon, so she'll only vaguely know where I live. I will probably avoid her town as much as possible, too because I would dread to have any awkward encounters; even though the last surprise encounter turned out well, I'm not sure another would result in the same outcome.

It's also great that we're not on any of each others social media or anything like that; this is the full no-contact method.

Edited January 12 by seany25

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman was never going to stick around and actually date you, sean. 

It's worth taking into account some of the things she said (ie. obnoxious behavior when drinking), but I guarantee you she wasn't going to hang on anyway.  That much was obvious from your first thread about her. She was there for a good time but that's it. 

I still think you should consider some professional counselling. The degree to which you're ruminating and emotionally distraught is concerning. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, seany25 said:

, she really knows how to use her looks and sex appeal to reel you in, chew you up, spit you out, and leave you wanting her.

That's not why she ended things. She did nothing wrong inviting you over for a romantic evening. You apparently got drunk and obnoxious. That's not on her at all. 

[seany25]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's not why she ended things. She did nothing wrong inviting you over for a romantic evening. You apparently got drunk and obnoxious. That's not on her at all. 

I should clarify. What I said was not specifically about Christmas night because that was a beautiful gift of which I'm grateful, Of course she did nothing wrong there. It was amazing.

I'm talking overall. Like, the number of times communication have opened and then closed over the years. My experience of her has often been one of being led to believe things are going somewhere and then it going nowhere.

[basil67]

27 minutes ago, seany25 said:

she really knows how to use her looks and sex appeal to reel you in, chew you up, spit you out, and leave you wanting her.

She did nothing of the kind.   She didn't like your behaviour on a number of levels and so she moved on.  

Don't blame her for your shortcomings

[seany25]

Just now, basil67 said:

She did nothing of the kind.   She didn't like your behaviour on a number of levels and so she moved on.  

Don't blame her for your shortcomings

Again, that came out wrong.

Read my last response to Wiseman for clarification.

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, seany25 said:

My experience of her has often been one of being led to believe things are going somewhere and then it going nowhere.

And in this case, you led yourself on with endless fantasies.   It's not her fault you got so carried away.  Stop blaming her

Edited January 12 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, seany25 said:

 My experience of her has often been one of being led to believe things are going somewhere and then it going nowhere.

Things can't really "go anywhere" when you act like this and sabotage things. It's actually surprising she didn't throw you out. 

When we got drunk at Christmas, she didn't like how I changed and became more loud and overly boisterous

She thought I tried to make her insecure when I spoke about my ex texting me

She says I'm egocentric and self-centred

Edited January 12 by Wiseman2

[seany25]

15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This woman was never going to stick around and actually date you, sean. 

It's worth taking into account some of the things she said (ie. obnoxious behavior when drinking), but I guarantee you she wasn't going to hang on anyway.  That much was obvious from your first thread about her. She was there for a good time but that's it. 

I still think you should consider some professional counselling. The degree to which you're ruminating and emotionally distraught is concerning. 

You're probably right, and I've even alluded to this in the OP on this thread. I had my doubts that it would last long-term for several reasons, but in this case it was my own idiotic behaviour that messed things up. She's not someone who takes cr@p from people and will rightfully cut you off if you wrong her, because she knows her worth.

I did call a telephone counselling service the other night when she dumped me as it was very intense and I needed to release. We'll see about face to face counselling. I'll take a few weeks first and see how things go.

[seany25]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's actually surprising she didn't throw you out.

Well, she was upset for a bit, but she didn't.

It's during the week or two afterwards that she's reflected on it and decided to dump me... and I fully understand, as much as it stings.

[Alpacalia]

32 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Ha, I guess so! Right now, I'm too wrapped up in how much I've been at fault here, when she's not entirely innocent.

Whilst I do accept my own wrongs and blunders in this, she really knows how to use her looks and sex appeal to reel you in, chew you up, spit you out, and leave you wanting her.

I'm glad she lives 60 miles away because this would be wayyy harder if we lived in the same town; I'd be so anxious trying to go about my day. I'm also moving soon, so she'll only vaguely know where I live. I will probably avoid her town as much as possible, too because I would dread to have any awkward encounters; even though the last surprise encounter turned out well, I'm not sure another would result in the same outcome.

It's also great that we're not on any of each others social media or anything like that; this is the full no-contact method.

Well, I am really not sure why she chose to share that her ex was abusive and that she became upset with you when you expressed your upset about a man that beat her up. I mean, what did she think you would say, "wow, that's really great to hear!."

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I had my doubts that it would last long-term for several reasons, but in this case it was my own idiotic behaviour that messed things up

Can you clarify what exactly you did when drinking that was so idiotic?

What does "overly boisterous" even mean in this situation? Were you running around in circles in the neighbourhood? Trying to do cartwheels in the living room? What? 

[basil67]

33 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, I am really not sure why she chose to share that her ex was abusive and that she became upset with you when you expressed your upset about a man that beat her up. I mean, what did she think you would say, "wow, that's really great to hear!."

I was wondering the same thing.  Of course you'd be upset to hear it.  

Did you get carried away and express something like you wanted to beat him up or take revenge?    

[seany25]

42 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, I am really not sure why she chose to share that her ex was abusive and that she became upset with you when you expressed your upset about a man that beat her up. I mean, what did she think you would say, "wow, that's really great to hear!."

 

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I was wondering the same thing.  Of course you'd be upset to hear it.  

Did you get carried away and express something like you wanted to beat him up or take revenge?    

I can see your point, and it's valid, but I can also see hers - She tells a guy she's dating about domestic abuse by a previous partner and his response is to come across with aggression. Yes, I expressed how I would enjoy paying him back for hurting her. In the moment, I was admiring how beautiful she looked and hated that he did it to her, and that's what lead me to respond in the way I did.

I totally understand her distaste, though. Some girls would actually be turned on by the aggressive response, like "Oh, nice, he wants to protect me", while others are more sensitive, which I found out the hard way by making this huge mistake.

I get it. It was foolish, I know that now, and have to live with it.

Edited January 12 by seany25

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, seany25 said:

 

I can see your point, and it's valid, but I can also see hers - She tells a guy she's dating about domestic abuse by a previous partner and his response is to come across with aggression. Yes, I expressed how I would enjoy paying him back for hurting her. In the moment, I was admiring how beautiful she looked and hated that he did it to her, and that's what lead me to respond in the way I did.

I totally understand her distaste, though. Some girls would actually be turned on by the aggressive response, like "Oh, nice, he wants to protect me", while others are more sensitive, which I found out the hard way by making this huge mistake.

I get it. It was foolish, I know that now, and have to live with it.

I'm sorry, but you've acted like a hot mess throughout this entire ordeal.

You were constantly doubting yourself and your worthiness, while also trying to make this woman jealous by mentioning your ex and playing games with your communication. And then, when you finally got together, you couldn't control your drinking, which caused you to mess things up even more. While I understand that you may have some regrets and want to fix things, she was no saint either. She also played games with you and clearly had issues with her own previous abusive relationship.

Ultimately, both of you are better off without each other. In the end, you chose to play along rather than question her or stand up for yourself. She milked this for attention and sympathy, and you fell for it. I'm not saying you're 100% innocent, sadly, you allowed your lust to cloud your judgment and actions. This woman is not a victim.

Please take this as a lesson, and don't allow yourself to be used again. And stop questioning yourself, your emotional intelligence, and your worth. And stop being so blinded by physical attraction.

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I totally understand her distaste, though. Some girls would actually be turned on by the aggressive response, like "Oh, nice, he wants to protect me", while others are more sensitive, which I found out the hard way by making this huge mistake.

I can't actually imagine women getting turned on by this response.  Likewise, I don't think sensitivity is an issue.  If it were me, I'd find an aggressive or revenge response scary...like what could he do to me if he were mad at me? 

It's much like if I was with a guy who exhibited road rage - it would scare me and I probably wouldn't continue with him.  

Edited January 12 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

It is concerning that this woman was willing to engage in sexual activity with you so quickly (1st night you met in a vehicle) and in such a potentially unsafe setting. It is understandable that you felt a sense of protectiveness towards this woman when she mentioned being beat up. I'm curious, what was your response? Did you throw things, punch doors, smash windows, or did you express anger towards the man who beat her up? That would certainly be a normal response to someone being put in a majorly dangerous and traumatic position. Granted, it is not your job to "protect" her or fix her problems, particularly in such an emotionally charged situation.

Edited January 12 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

The truth is often somewhere in the middle. 

Reading you it's easy to see that you could be annoying with a drink or 2 ;-) BUT l think she got super annoyed at you because she was not into you, that's all. Having sex with a guy on the back seat of a car does not mean she likes you, just means she's horny. 

The whole thing about never finding anyone like her - listen, we all feel like that when we lose someone we like. What you feel is not different than people feel generally after a breakup. 

We are the story we tell ourselves so stop the little story in your head that says it will be hard to find someone else....because you'll be trapped there. The right story to tell yourself is: you will meet again someone that captures your attention and she'll be kind, funny, understanding and all the good stuff that's important.

[Alpacalia]

Yeah, be glad it ended when it did. I mean, you were already purchasing her expensive gifts and talking about future plans after only one week of knowing each other. That is a major red flag for someone who may be seeking financial stability or using someone for personal gain, rather than genuinely being interested in a relationship with you. It's important to keep in mind that as much as we want to help others, we can't fix or change them.

This woman has experienced trauma and may have her own issues to work through. It is not your responsibility to try to fix her or rescue her from her problems.

I know you like to view her as this perfectly innocent and victimized individual, but it's important to also see her as a person with her own agency and choices. I hate using this term, but don't be a simpy simp. That's not to say that you shouldn't show empathy and support to someone who has experienced trauma, but it's important to also have boundaries and not let yourself get taken advantage of or manipulated.

If she was that concerned with you using her for sex  (referencing your discussions about how she might view you negatively) and not genuinely caring about her, then she could have opted not to hop into a vehicle for a romp the first night you met and then dress like mrs. santy clause for the next date (assuming she was the one who invited you over). It seems inconsistent to me.

And that was the draw, for you...

[seany25]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm sorry, but you've acted like a hot mess throughout this entire ordeal.

You were constantly doubting yourself and your worthiness, while also trying to make this woman jealous by mentioning your ex and playing games with your communication. And then, when you finally got together, you couldn't control your drinking, which caused you to mess things up even more. While I understand that you may have some regrets and want to fix things, she was no saint either. She also played games with you and clearly had issues with her own previous abusive relationship.

Ultimately, both of you are better off without each other. In the end, you chose to play along rather than question her or stand up for yourself. She milked this for attention and sympathy, and you fell for it. I'm not saying you're 100% innocent, sadly, you allowed your lust to cloud your judgment and actions. This woman is not a victim.

Please take this as a lesson, and don't allow yourself to be used again. And stop questioning yourself, your emotional intelligence, and your worth. And stop being so blinded by physical attraction.

Thanks for all this. It helps.

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I can't actually imagine women getting turned on by this response.

I actually know some girls who are literally into the "jailbird" type of man who is always in trouble. Granted, those girls are significantly damaged also.

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

It is concerning that this woman was willing to engage in sexual activity with you so quickly (1st night you met in a vehicle) and in such a potentially unsafe setting. It is understandable that you felt a sense of protectiveness towards this woman when she mentioned being beat up. I'm curious, what was your response? Did you throw things, punch doors, smash windows, or did you express anger towards the man who beat her up? That would certainly be a normal response to someone being put in a majorly dangerous and traumatic position. Granted, it is not your job to "protect" her or fix her problems, particularly in such an emotionally charged situation.

No, there was no throwing or smashing. It was conversational. We were side by side. She was explaining in detail what happened. I asked her questions about it. Does he live in the same town? Does she still bump into him now and again? Then at some point, I expressed how I would love to do exactly to him what he did to her. There was no shouting, no raised voices. I can't recall her response at the time but I don't believe she kicked off too much, or if she even did at all. I imagine she probably told me off, at best, and then it has been her pondering things over the last couple of weeks that brought us to where we are now, and also the mentioning of my ex texting. Those were the two big things... Even at that, however, between Christmas and a few days ago when she dumped me, communication was fine (until the last few days) so I was still being kept on side until she figured it out.

Edited January 12 by seany25

[seany25]

29 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The truth is often somewhere in the middle. 

Reading you it's easy to see that you could be annoying with a drink or 2 😉 BUT l think she got super annoyed at you because she was not into you, that's all. Having sex with a guy on the back seat of a car does not mean she likes you, just means she's horny. 

The whole thing about never finding anyone like her - listen, we all feel like that when we lose someone we like. What you feel is not different than people feel generally after a breakup. 

We are the story we tell ourselves so stop the little story in your head that says it will be hard to find someone else....because you'll be trapped there. The right story to tell yourself is: you will meet again someone that captures your attention and she'll be kind, funny, understanding and all the good stuff that's important.

I know how it is when we lose someone and you think nobody is ever going to be better, but it's not so much about finding someone else. It's about having the same desire and lust I have for her, as well as the same level of physical beauty. Any less is no good. I hope to find that again with someone who is more available and within my reach.

[Wiseman2]

She doesn't seem like the damaged promiscuous golddigging floozie that she's being depicted as. Even with your latest bolded bait words. 

It seems like you do have insight into your drunken obnoxious behavior, on Christmas no less, as precipitating her ending things. 

She was very kind to explain specifics about it. Probably the best thing about the whole relationship. 

Edited January 12 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

23 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Those were the two big things... Even at that, however, between Christmas and a few days ago when she dumped me, communication was fine (until the last few days) so I was still being kept on side until she figured it out.

And that was the draw for you... yes... her big round genuine smile lighting up her face and her bubbly personality... uh huh... or was it the fact that she was putting out? Maybe it was both, and that's okay. Just be honest with yourself about what draws you to someone and don't try to justify it with romantic ideals.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

t's about having the same desire and lust I have for her, as well as the same level of physical beauty. Any less is no good.

Same as l said. You will come across women that will capture your ** as much as this one did and even better & stronger. You will come across beauty you had not imagined before, experience deep connection like you never did before. You're young, there are types of attraction, beauty and connections you don''t even know exist.