Pain, finality, and closure on my recent whirlwind fling

[seany25]

3 hours ago, BreakOnThrough said:

Women have the uncanny ability to dodge a relationship and make it appear it's all the guys fault.  Her reasons for ending things were her own and solely from her own perspective.  She was simply done with you, move on yourself.

I think we could almost say she was done with me twice; concerning things breaking down in December where she 'thought I became disinterested' (I absolutely did not) and then we bumped into each other and it was back on again. That's probably part of the reason this hurts so much - it was apparently over between us, and then I suddenly had another shot with her and threw it away with my idiotic behaviour and comments.

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

The bit I have a bit of a issue with it that you want to "obtain" a "better" woman. I know where you're going with this because I've suffered with the same mindset myself and still do at times. It's the idea that the value of a woman is solely how hot and sexy she is, how she can give you pleasure in bed etc.

Of course we all crave these things if we have a healthy sex drive but it's not the full picture. You could hire a prostitute who is and does all these things for you. What she can't do is be there for you as a life companion, care for you and support you through the good and the bad, share funny moments and add to your happiness and life experience.

That second bit is what you're missing, you don't seem to regard it at all. I'm not someone who says physical attraction and good sex isn't important, it absolutely is, but the other bits are more important for a loving relationship and it's only once you both value this in women you're dating and are capable of providing this yourself that you'll meet someone worthwhile who's going to stick around for the long term.

Once this stings less and I'm not as dazed anymore, maybe I can be appreciative that this even happened at all. I mean, I already am appreciative, but that appreciation is currently clouded in grief, regret, and loss. I hate the idea of her presence in my life and this exciting chapter being so fleeting and what is a great memory will also be a painful memory. But, yes, the way I see it now is that I need to have a girl just as hot as her. That's how I feel about what it will take to get over her. The rest of the stuff is important, yes, but I need exactly what this girl gave me physically and visually. I'm not going to settle with an average looking girl with low sex appeal just because she is amazing in every other way. I need both. Not one or the other.

If I'd fallen even deeper for her over time, and then it ended, I imagine I'd be feeling even worse. Maybe it wouldn't have ended up going anywhere long-term anyway, but it is still a massive regret that I messed it up to some (to a large) extent.

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

This is a 7 week dating relationship. It will not make you or break you. 

All this tells me is that your life is empty and you are looking for a beautiful women to fix it for you. It does not work that way. You will never be able to keep a woman in your life if you put on her the entire responsibility of your happiness. 

You need to fill your life with meaningful people (other than dates), personal challenges, you need to get your drinking under control, you need to get your life back on track! If a beautiful amazing woman has a choice between  you and a man that's on top of his game who she's gonna pick?

And I am so in agreeance with @FredEire. You view women as something to 'obtain' as if they're just objects that will bring you pleasure and pride...get a fancy car. 

Before this chapter began, I had most of my $h!t together. The job was going great; I'd just agreed to buy a home; I was studying multiple courses and had other plans and projects. And now, even though I still have those things, I'm less enthused by them because this whirlwind has made such an impact. But as you said, I need to get back on track. It's not the first time I've had to pick myself up and keep going.

Just like you said in another post above, some men will let a strong sexual attraction derail their entire life. This comment resonates with me and even gave me a giggle because this short episode has thrown most things in my life off course and I don't know how sustainable it would have been, given that I was willing to drop everything to be with her and make sacrifices. For instance, she smokes weed, and I hate weed, I hate the smell and I do not want to breathe that stuff in. Weed smokers would usually be a dealbreaker for me, yet I was willing to ignore this to be in her company.

I'm not looking for a woman to fix me or to be responsible for my happiness, but I feel like what I experienced with her is what I've been looking for my whole life... and I don't want to live my life missing out on that level of lust, desire, passion, and excitement. I feel like I got a taster of what's possible and I can't live my life without that. I don't care if it's connected to my deep-rooted addictive nature, I want it.

I probably need to get some motivational, inspirational audios playing and try to get excited about the new possibilities in front of me.

And that includes a fancy car.

Edited January 16 by seany25

[Alpacalia]

I have the occasional glass of wine. Party drugs and weed (though legal in my area), has no appeal to me. I have seen some with ADHD and they went from creative genius to addicted to ketamine, mushrooms and weed, etc. I don't know if it's common place with this disorder but anything for relief of impulse or dopamine is a risk.

The inspirational audios sound like a great idea! There's lots of great resources available online that can help you get motivated and excited about your new possibilities. Wishing you luck!

[FredEire]

17 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I think we could almost say she was done with me twice; concerning things breaking down in December where she 'thought I became disinterested' (I absolutely did not) and then we bumped into each other and it was back on again. That's probably part of the reason this hurts so much - it was apparently over between us, and then I suddenly had another shot with her and threw it away with my idiotic behaviour and comments.

Once this stings less and I'm not as dazed anymore, maybe I can be appreciative that this even happened at all. I mean, I already am appreciative, but that appreciation is currently clouded in grief, regret, and loss. I hate the idea of her presence in my life and this exciting chapter being so fleeting and what is a great memory will also be a painful memory. But, yes, the way I see it now is that I need to have a girl just as hot as her. That's how I feel about what it will take to get over her. The rest of the stuff is important, yes, but I need exactly what this girl gave me physically and visually. I'm not going to settle with an average looking girl with low sex appeal just because she is amazing in every other way. I need both. Not one or the other.

If I'd fallen even deeper for her over time, and then it ended, I imagine I'd be feeling even worse. Maybe it wouldn't have ended up going anywhere long-term anyway, but it is still a massive regret that I messed it up to some (to a large) extent.

Before this chapter began, I had most of my $h!t together. The job was going great; I'd just agreed to buy a home; I was studying multiple courses and had other plans and projects. And now, even though I still have those things, I'm less enthused by them because this whirlwind has made such an impact. But as you said, I need to get back on track. It's not the first time I've had to pick myself up and keep going.

Just like you said in another post above, some men will let a strong sexual attraction derail their entire life. This comment resonates with me and even gave me a giggle because this short episode has thrown most things in my life off course and I don't know how sustainable it would have been, given that I was willing to drop everything to be with her and make sacrifices. For instance, she smokes weed, and I hate weed, I hate the smell and I do not want to breathe that stuff in. Weed smokers would usually be a dealbreaker for me, yet I was willing to ignore this to be in her company.

I'm not looking for a woman to fix me or to be responsible for my happiness, but I feel like what I experienced with her is what I've been looking for my whole life... and I don't want to live my life missing out on that level of lust, desire, passion, and excitement. I feel like I got a taster of what's possible and I can't live my life without that. I don't care if it's connected to my deep-rooted addictive nature, I want it.

I probably need to get some motivational, inspirational audios playing and try to get excited about the new possibilities in front of me.

And that includes a fancy car.

Firstly I don't think you had a shot, she wasn't open for a relationship. I think she lost interest in you, she may have just found you physically attractive and when you met again by chance she thought "eh I'm feeling horny, why not?"

Secondly you've misinterpreted what I said. I'm not saying you need to settle for a girl you find to be averagely attractive or unattractive, I'm saying the other things take precedence because it's the glue that holds down a LTR. Of course she can be gorgeous and have high sex appeal as well, but without you as human beings matching there's just empty sex. This girl had a lot of the second by you were a million miles from working out as a healthy serious relationship.

[seany25]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I have the occasional glass of wine. Party drugs and weed (though legal in my area), has no appeal to me. I have seen some with ADHD and they went from creative genius to addicted to ketamine, mushrooms and weed, etc. I don't know if it's common place with this disorder but anything for relief of impulse or dopamine is a risk.

The inspirational audios sound like a great idea! There's lots of great resources available online that can help you get motivated and excited about your new possibilities. Wishing you luck!

Having had my fill of alcohol over the last few weeks, after having had a full year of abstinence, I find myself at a point where I'm questioning whether I want to drink at all, even the occasional glass... I have an issue. I overdrink. So, I probably need to call time on this substance, too.

Thanks, there is absolutely tons of stuff on YouTube, and I'm sure there are plenty of inspirational podcasts on Spotify.

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

Firstly I don't think you had a shot, she wasn't open for a relationship. I think she lost interest in you, she may have just found you physically attractive and when you met again by chance she thought "eh I'm feeling horny, why not?"

Secondly you've misinterpreted what I said. I'm not saying you need to settle for a girl you find to be averagely attractive or unattractive, I'm saying the other things take precedence because it's the glue that holds down a LTR. Of course she can be gorgeous and have high sex appeal as well, but without you as human beings matching there's just empty sex. This girl had a lot of the second by you were a million miles from working out as a healthy serious relationship.

I too had considered the idea that she thought "Why not" after the chance encounter. If that encounter had not materialised, there would be no Christmas part of the story. But my reaction to it was going from a deep low to a massive high again. And we know what side of that seesaw I'm back sitting on now.

When I'm out and about and I see the same car she drives, the one we had sex in, I have a mini-panic attack. It's not her, it's just the same vehicle, but I feel that stabbing/butterflies thing in my heart. That's why I keep saying this experience will leave a scar because I'm literally feeling physical trauma responses to visual stimuli related to her as I go about my day.

Even though I "messed up" a bit on Christmas evening, we still went on to have an incredibly hot night together. That might not have happened at all, but it did. It was in the weeks afterwards that she changed her mind about me. But even then, even if I hadn't messed up, it may not have gone on to be the long-term match made in heaven that I'd have liked it to be.

Based on the history of our communications and meetings, she's always been just out of my reach, where I wanted something with her, and she doesn't; and she usually ghosted me. This is different in that we finally did have a fling, followed by a crushing rejection (two rejections, really). I've recently become aware of a term in the dating world known as "breadcrumbing" which is almost self-explanatory; you get given just enough crumbs to keep you following the trail without any intention of them fully committing to the relationship.

I'm not trying to say she's some evil manipulator hellbent on causing maximum pain to men, but this breadcrumbing thing sounds relevant. Although I may be completely wrong about that; based on the feedback she gave me (it was largely my own fault). I'm not in the mind space to do it now, but I think I should do a post-mortem on exactly what went on throughout December. The reason? It might help to alleviate the intensity of my response to this. Although, in a nutshell, I think we already know that this might not have been more than a fling, no matter what I find, nor if I'd messed up or not.

What other coping skills are useful to me now aside from motivational audios and going for walks?

Edited January 16 by seany25

[FredEire]

26 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Having had my fill of alcohol over the last few weeks, after having had a full year of abstinence, I find myself at a point where I'm questioning whether I want to drink at all, even the occasional glass... I have an issue. I overdrink. So, I probably need to call time on this substance, too.

Thanks, there is absolutely tons of stuff on YouTube, and I'm sure there are plenty of inspirational podcasts on Spotify.

I too had considered the idea that she thought "Why not" after the chance encounter. If that encounter had not materialised, there would be no Christmas part of the story. But my reaction to it was going from a deep low to a massive high again. And we know what side of that seesaw I'm back sitting on now.

When I'm out and about and I see the same car she drives, the one we had sex in, I have a mini-panic attack. It's not her, it's just the same vehicle, but I feel that stabbing/butterflies thing in my heart. That's why I keep saying this experience will leave a scar because I'm literally feeling physical trauma responses to visual stimuli related to her as I go about my day.

Even though I "messed up" a bit on Christmas evening, we still went on to have an incredibly hot night together. That might not have happened at all, but it did. It was in the weeks afterwards that she changed her mind about me. But even then, even if I hadn't messed up, it may not have gone on to be the long-term match made in heaven that I'd have liked it to be.

Based on the history of our communications and meetings, she's always been just out of my reach, where I wanted something with her, and she doesn't; and she usually ghosted me. This is different in that we finally did have a fling, followed by a crushing rejection (two rejections, really). I've recently become aware of a term in the dating world known as "breadcrumbing" which is almost self-explanatory; you get given just enough crumbs to keep you following the trail without any intention of them fully committing to the relationship.

I'm not trying to say she's some evil manipulator hellbent on causing maximum pain to men, but this breadcrumbing thing sounds relevant. Although I may be completely wrong about that; based on the feedback she gave me (it was largely my own fault). I'm not in the mind space to do it now, but I think I should do a post-mortem on exactly what went on throughout December. The reason? It might help to alleviate the intensity of my response to this. Although, in a nutshell, I think we already know that this might not have been more than a fling, no matter what I find, nor if I'd messed up or not.

What other coping skills are useful to me now aside from motivational audios and going for walks?

No, we've never met her so we can't say anything 100% for sure but personally speaking from everything you've written and even the initial post it didn't sound like a relationship was ever viable.

So what you've got withdrawals from essentially is a drug high. It's important not to mistake this for loss of love or genuine heartbreak because you might have shared your bodies but I don't think you really shared much of yourselves. The wheels fell off long before that was ever going to happen, and it's not your/her "fault". You could have done a million different things and I think the outcome would have been the same.

Exercise, maybe martial arts and most importantly therapy. That's the one everyone's been advising to you and I think that's the most important one to follow up on.

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, seany25 said:

What other coping skills are useful to me now aside from motivational audios and going for walks?

When you understand that all this is only a rush of chemical in your brain and it will pass, it will get easier.

You need to help your brain. Make yourself think of something else. My last breakup was hard on me. I made a list of happy thoughts to think about each time he popped up in my mind. Instead of thinking of him on my ride home after work l made myself think of my favorite beach and how l love the salty air, the heat of the sun, the peace, the sound of the waves, etc.

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, seany25 said:

Having had my fill of alcohol over the last few weeks, after having had a full year of abstinence, I find myself at a point where I'm questioning whether I want to drink at all, even the occasional glass... I have an issue. I overdrink. So, I probably need to call time on this substance, too.

Thanks, there is absolutely tons of stuff on YouTube, and I'm sure there are plenty of inspirational podcasts on Spotify.

I think the occasional glass is fine (for me) but be wary that you don't slide too far back into your old ways and that it is just "the occasional glass". If listening to podcasts is not your thing for motivation, then try audiobooks. I signed up to Audible and there is a ton of inspirational and motivational audiobooks on there. I like listening to stoic philosophy books. The Meditations by Marcus Aurelius is a great one to start with.

Edited January 17 by Alpacalia

[seany25]

6 hours ago, FredEire said:

No, we've never met her so we can't say anything 100% for sure but personally speaking from everything you've written and even the initial post it didn't sound like a relationship was ever viable.

So what you've got withdrawals from essentially is a drug high. It's important not to mistake this for loss of love or genuine heartbreak because you might have shared your bodies but I don't think you really shared much of yourselves. The wheels fell off long before that was ever going to happen, and it's not your/her "fault". You could have done a million different things and I think the outcome would have been the same.

It feels like a heartbreak right now. I guess it's just a matter of how long it will last. I do believe this is something that won't be easily forgotten. The painful side of things, I mean.

Obviously the excitement and fun was great, but it's becoming bittersweet because of it coming an end. Those incredible highs followed by crushing lows. It's hard to get ones head around why this affects me so much, although clearly, it's very much to do with my intense lust and desire for her being accepted and embraced, briefly, then rejected. That's the bottom line, I think.

I recall telling her how deeply infatuated I was with her at Christmas, during or after sex. How I have never felt such an intense level of lust for any other woman. It was a passionate face to face moment and it felt like the right time to say it. I'm glad I told her as it's better out than in, and it may have been my only chance to tell her. So she is fully aware of how much admiration and desire I have for her, and she must know I'm hurting now. Not that that's her problem.

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

When you understand that all this is only a rush of chemical in your brain and it will pass, it will get easier.

You need to help your brain. Make yourself think of something else. My last breakup was hard on me. I made a list of happy thoughts to think about each time he popped up in my mind. Instead of thinking of him on my ride home after work l made myself think of my favorite beach and how l love the salty air, the heat of the sun, the peace, the sound of the waves, etc.

So, since my brain was overdosing on dopamine and happy chemicals for 6 or 7 weeks, it should flush out in another 6 or 7? 🤔😁

I went for a long walk earlier even though it was freezing cold. I didn't think of much else except this. And right now it's nearly 3am and I can't sleep, again. It keeps me up all night. I've been through this before, where all you can see in your mind is the person you're pining for. I know the passage of time helps, but at the moment it's weighing heavily on me.

I'm sure I'll reach the acceptance phase eventually.

Edited January 17 by seany25

[ShyViolet]

16 hours ago, seany25 said:

To get over this, I think the only, or best answer is that (at some point) I need to find a woman who is of equal or greater beauty and possesses the other traits I find so attractive in her. Yes, I know this sounds like I'd be going in search of another extreme dopamine hit but I don't see any better way to get over this woman than to get a better woman

Making this grand declaration that you will compare every future woman in your life to this woman is exactly the opposite of what you should be doing.... this is just more unhealthy behavior.  You have had an obsession with this woman and you are still feeding into it rather than fully recognizing how unhealthy it is.  You're nowhere near ready to get another woman in your life.... please don't inflict your mess of mental issues onto another person until you do some work on yourself.  You really will be wasting someone's time and not doing yourself any favors because you'll just be repeating these patterns of behavior.

I really think you are in over your head and only a therapist can help you start to unpack all this.

[Acacia98]

On 1/13/2024 at 6:08 PM, Alpacalia said:

Was it Dennis-style?

 

😂

My goodness! Poor Dennis! But this is just too hilarious.

In case you're wondering how this ties in to everything else, OP, I sincerely think the woman you were involved with was unfair to you on some points. By all means, learn some valuable lessons and make some changes to your behavior, but don't place her on a pedestal and view her opinion as being absolutely correct.

[Acacia98]

18 hours ago, seany25 said:

And, okay, I will also consider therapy, too. I guess it can't do me any more harm than I've done to myself. 

Excellent. I wish you the best.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, seany25 said:

 Those incredible highs followed by crushing lows. right now it's nearly 3am and I can't sleep, again. It keeps me up all night. I've been through this before, 

Why haven't you seen a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and gotten some tests done? Please ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Watching videos isn't working. It's not objective. For example going on and on about pop psychology neurochemistry and trying to explain away things through that. . Mental health is not a do it yourself situation especially when complicated by substance misuse. The insight just isn't there. 

This entire situation is just a reflection of underlying things. Reiterating your penthouse-forum-like stories over and over and over doesn't help either. You don't seem ready to help yourself or improve your life. You seem caught up still, in crisis-to-crisis living. 

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, seany25 said:

And, okay, I will also consider therapy, too

Excellent. 

It is very clear from how deeply this affected you that you have some serious underlying issues that walks, motivational podcasts and whatnot are not going to be able to touch. Those are fine things to do in the short-term, yes, but you need the big guns. There's no shame in that. You are not coping well at all on your own here. Professionals are there to help you. 

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

My goodness! Poor Dennis! But this is just too hilarious.

In case you're wondering how this ties in to everything else, OP, I sincerely think the woman you were involved with was unfair to you on some points. By all means, learn some valuable lessons and make some changes to your behavior, but don't place her on a pedestal and view her opinion as being absolutely correct.

Had to throw a bit of it's Always Sunny in there.☺️

Agree. That's been the hallmark of your posts. Every time she's told you something you wanted to see things from her pov, instead of realizing that both perspectives matter, and like two different paintings, they stand on their own. Where's that comment again about no one being anyone's halo? Something like that. OP read that one one day lol

You cannot always apply logic to every fold that unravels, sometimes things just are as they are. You seem to think that because you guys matched on Tinder and the intensity of your brief dating that somehow it means she's the one. She's gone and she won't be back...no matter how much you want her.

Realizing it wasn't love doesn't belittle how you felt. Didn't you say you were a psychology major or something along those lines? Stop relying so much on her opinion of you. Stop giving her all the power. Be alone for awhile. You were yourself and it didn't work out.

Glad you're making strides towards other methods of getting your business together.

Don't rely on her, because she's not there...her opinion may have been valid but it also may not have been. Don't allow her to shake your confidence or confidence in being good enough for anyone else, when she doesn't think so. People are not templates or averages and don't want the same things. That's an important lesson she failed to teach you, to believe in yourself independent of her view of you.

That's what I got from your OP.

Edited January 17 by Alpacalia

[seany25]

I appreciate all the comments and advice. I'm not functioning properly; had no sleep last night and ended up sleeping a couple of hours this afternoon before getting up and doing some work. I have no enthusiasm for anything. My studies might have to be deferred. I have zero appetite. I was in an online meeting earlier and it was so profound to me how vacant and in my own world I was compared to the team; I had to force myself to contribute.

I'm aware it's probably a massive chemical lull in my brain but it really feels heavy like a heartbreak from which I will never fully recover. I experienced a brief moment of feeling good last night as soon as I went outside for a walk where I thought "Everything is going to be okay".

Today, however, has been agonising. I've just searched online for therapy in my city and as I was reading the details of a service I found, I burst into tears at the desperate situation I find myself in, and what a low, depressed, and sad state this has brought me to. But I can send an email anyway and take a first step.

I'm trying to relate this to previous heartbreaks but this one is different; I feel psychologically traumatised by this and I bet it's connected to my addictive nature and history. I don't think I need to reiterate anything anymore about the "highs" and "lows" I've experienced over the last 7 weeks, but it's all I'm thinking about. I wish it was easy to switch it off. I'm trying to take comfort in the fact that I'm alive. I did not die; so I can always get better again.

The only option is to come back stronger, obviously, but right now I'm in hell. This will take significant effort, time, and work to get over. I feel like once this initial fire has settled down I'm probably going to take it upon myself to "disappear" from the world where no one sees me for a long time whilst I work on myself, then I just show up better and stronger. Sounds a million miles off but I can't wallow forever. I need to eventually see this as a challenge to get over rather than a problem to hold on to. I feel like I'll always desire her but I guess I'll just have to live with that.

Right now though, I'm going for a walk to get that short moment of good-feels I got last night.

I'll send an email query about therapy when I get home.

Edited January 17 by seany25

[basil67]

WRT a therapist, may I suggest a licensed psychologist?   Someone who specialises in addictions and compulsive behaviour.   A lot of them will have a blurb on their website.  Or if it's a clinic, the receptionist could advise who would likely be a good fit

[Gaeta]

I am really sorry you are experiencing this much distress. It's normal to be disappointed at a dating situation that did not work after 7 weeks but this *much distress* is highly worrisome! Please seek help asap! 

[seany25]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

WRT a therapist, may I suggest a licensed psychologist?   Someone who specialises in addictions and compulsive behaviour.   A lot of them will have a blurb on their website.  Or if it's a clinic, the receptionist could advise who would likely be a good fit

I will keep this in mind!

55 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am really sorry you are experiencing this much distress. It's normal to be disappointed at a dating situation that did not work after 7 weeks but this *much distress* is highly worrisome! Please seek help asap! 

Thank you. Although (I'm not sure you have read everything) part of this story goes back 7 years, where we had one date that didn't lead to anything further. So I've always continued to desire her, and then 7 years later she pops up in my life, shakes it up, and then leaves.

I think it's important to consider that 7-year thing. Sure, it was all on me, all in my head, but I'm pretty sure that 7-year desire has a big part to play in my current distress.

I know we've talked about my alcohol issue and addictive nature, but I've had "one or two" drinks this evening and it has really helped with the anxiety. It's only going to be those couple of drinks and then I'm going to bed. In the current circumstances, moderate alcohol can be beneficial, if just to get me through some of the heavy evenings like this one.

I had a self-realisation earlier regarding my addictive nature... Some of the things I said in my first posts about all this were:

• I can feel a burning lust for her growing inside
• if we were never to meet again, I'm going to be left just as thirsty as before
• Like a drug, I'm hooked.

This was with regards to seeing her again when I wasn't sure that would happen. But then it did happen. I got my next "fix" and yet I wanted more, more, more. It's understandable due to her physical appeal, but I think the addictive nature was coming through in my expressions.

I don't mean to rehash. That's just an observation about myself that I had. For a decade, I've denied that I'm an addict, but maybe it's time to reconsider.

[basil67]

59 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Sure, it was all on me, all in my head, but I'm pretty sure that 7-year desire has a big part to play in my current distress.

Spending seven years remembering that desire is not regular behaviour.   It truly is another thing you need to work through with the psychologist.

[Alpacalia]

seany25 it wasn't just alcohol but addiction to party-drugs, and now this woman.

You're just starting to see the depths of this, I'm not sold that you're fully aware yet.

You had to back off drugs because you couldn't go to a therapist like that, and nope- alcohol didn't work out either. Drugs and the drug addiction is one of the main reasons that you feel strong feelings to HER. And you also lack the insight to understand why she was a trigger. You're not a fool nor an idiot- you've got a problem and it's serious. Things have ALWAYS been tense between this woman and you- look at your life man- it's all been about her. Where is your-self in all of this-7 years man. A LOT of time has passed. And a lot of booze and drugs, and coming back to this trauma.

Just think about that! What's the point of reliving a rejection from 7 years ago? Those incidents that stick in our head bring a long string of events wherein each event builds upon the one before. In this case, after being rejected, you cannot move on or stop thinking about them.

You're dwelling on what has happened in the past and reliving it over and over again, holding your hurt, terror, anger, disillusionment, feelings of betrayal and rejection, rage and the fear of whatever else you can conjure up for yourself. Don't look at this as she's an addiction because she's just an image in your head. But everything else that surrounds this is the problem.

Those problems are rooted in the drug addiction.

Fella - I know that's not what you want to hear but what you really need to be in therapy.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, seany25 said:

Although (I'm not sure you have read everything) part of this story goes back 7 years, where we had one date that didn't lead to anything further.

I am quite sure Gaeta read everything. Her point still stands - you didn't "date" this woman 7 years ago. Your harboured desire for way too long, yes, but you she was not in your life for the last 7 years after that one random encounter back then. She came back recently for a handful of weeks. There is really not much more to your story with her than that, for all practical purposes. 

The very fact that you have hung on to that desire (to this degree) for so long suggsts you really need help. The resulting distress has little to do with this woman herself, and a lot more to do with underlying problems you already had - and still have. 

[ShyViolet]

18 hours ago, seany25 said:

I know we've talked about my alcohol issue and addictive nature, but I've had "one or two" drinks this evening and it has really helped with the anxiety. It's only going to be those couple of drinks and then I'm going to bed. In the current circumstances, moderate alcohol can be beneficial, if just to get me through some of the heavy evenings like this one.

Nah.  This is making the situation worse.  You are an addict and you are self-medicating with alcohol.  Since you know you are an addict, you really should not be touching alcohol.  I really think this entire epic situation all stems from your addiction issues.  You treated this woman exactly like an addict treats a drug.  You were addicted, it was taken away from you and now you're going through a deep withdrawal.  All deeply dysfunctional behavior that needs professional help.

[seany25]

I was going to wait a week or two before making calls about therapy. I want to see if it subsides a little first before going into it because I think I'm too distraught and emotionally drained at the moment.

Now I have extreme paranoia about my friend of 22 years. He lives in the same town as her and I video-called him on Sunday for 25 minutes. I was drunk and have zero recollection of what we discussed but I have had a dreadful fear all week that he has gone behind my back and may have slept with her. I know this sounds paranoid but he sent me a cryptic message on Monday saying "[This woman] has screwed you over mate but don't worry there are plenty more women in the world and I've already [had sex with] that one 😎"

This makes me think he has breached my trust and right after our call, on which I was probably crying and distraught, has went to her and badmouthed me and initiated "revenge" sex for her to get her own back, with him. Or, it could mean he got with her before, like years ago. I feel so stupid for calling him. I pray I'm wrong and have taken his text out of context. I did respond "What are you talking about mate, who did you [have sex with]?" and he didn't reply. He still hasn't. I can't stop imagining the horrible scenario of them hooking up.

I know this comes across as incredibly toxic thinking, and maybe even just another extension of the whole "fantasy" but my instinct has been running wild. I've barely slept all week and I just had my first slice of toast in days. I have had a habit of thinking up worst-case scenarios in the past when I've found myself faced with something painful and heavy in which I have little control. I've always known this kind of thinking stemmed from the psychosis the party drugs gave me. Deep down, I hope it's just paranoia but his cryptic message, coupled with the fact he is the type to do something like that, and that I have very little idea what was said on our call, my instinct is flashing red.

This is turning into the most painful period of my life. My mother, bless her, died last year and it wasn't as heavy as this. That was actually more of a relief because her pain was over, and I responded positively by just getting on with my life, no alcohol. If it turns out that my friend of 23 years has done what I think he's done, he will be dead to me. I don't know how I will even find out, I might never hear from him again, and that would speak for itself. If he does reach out again soon at some point as if nothing happened (I mean, there is a chance nothing did happen) I will be tempted to ask him who he was talking about in his message [ ] 

I was out today and again, any time I see the same vehicle she drives (suddenly there is one on every street), my body goes into panic mode and I feel a stabbing sensation in my heart or solar plexus. How the hell are you supposed to overcome that physiological response as you're just going about your day? This is the kind of physiological response sufferers of PTSD go through. All I could do was take some deep breaths. Am I ever going to be the same again or has this thing mentally damaged me for good?

Given that this has turned into such a painful chapter, I expect the outcome absolutely has to be that this will become the biggest turning point of my life. I was thinking earlier that whilst I've started 2024 in great pain, I must end it stronger and better than I've ever been. That has to be the goal. I have no other option. But sadly it looks like I currently have some more burning hell to go through first.

I was also wondering how the psychologist could help me. I mean, we already know, theoretically, that all this has probably been due to my addictive nature, so what does the psychologist do that can make it better? I feel like my experience with this woman has cut me deep and no matter what we do or say, I will always know how much it hurt, so what is the goal of the therapy when the experience will always be in my mind? Coping mechanisms?

I accept that alcohol is essentially self-medicating, but when in Rome, eh? No, I jest, it's not funny. I have, however, had a few sips of wine this evening. It's honestly not much and I have no plans to get drunk; I've done enough damage as it is. It's just helping me to relax from the anxiety a little bit. I also think it might be time to be honest with myself that I'm an addict... and I've never said that before because I was always proud that I managed to quit party drugs and never go back there, but I still had a drinking problem. I've probably been lying to myself all along.

I was doing some reading today and stumbled upon some coping strategies. One that stuck out to me was "shock trauma" or "traumatic shock", and that resonated with me. I believe it closely resembles what this is... The speed of the exciting whirlwind fling, the extreme highs and lows, my brain being flooded with dopamine for a month followed by whatever chemicals the rejection brings, and after all those ups and downs, now it's just a continual low because the whirlwind is over and no more highs are coming - I think I'm experiencing a shock trauma response.

I'm not trying to self-diagnose, I'm just trying to get some kind of grip on myself. This is painful and I hope one day I can look back and laugh about what a traumatic mess I got myself into at the turn of 2024.

Edited January 18 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[FredEire]

Jesus, I'm sorry to hear you're going through something like that.

I wouldn't worry about what your mate said. [ ]  Ultimately in your worst case scenario that he hooked up with her it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but I highly doubt it.

It seems like you've opened a gaping wound that's been there for a very long time. You mentioned you got psychosis from party drugs. This is the substances holding up a mirror to your psyche and forcing you to look at something your mind isn't prepared to handle. You need to listen to this and properly address it.

 

Edited January 18 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[seany25]

21 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Jesus, I'm sorry to hear you're going through something like that.

I wouldn't worry about what your mate said. [ ]  Ultimately in your worst case scenario that he hooked up with her it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but I highly doubt it.

It seems like you've opened a gaping wound that's been there for a very long time. You mentioned you got psychosis from party drugs. This is the substances holding up a mirror to your psyche and forcing you to look at something your mind isn't prepared to handle. You need to listen to this and properly address it.

Thank you, I really can't believe I'm currently trying to survive this hell.

I have been trying to console myself that if he did hook up with her, she had already dumped me anyways, so it's her I'm mourning. However, if he did, it's the manner in which it was done that is the real kicker. That would be a monumental betrayal dumped on top of the pain I was, and am already in. I really hope I'm wrong but right now I'm left painfully wondering and imagining if it happened. I hope one day I am relieved of this one and I find out it's not true.

There is indeed a psychological wound that pops up now and again when I am faced with trauma. I used to take too much speed (amphetamine) of which the comedown would sometimes be a 2/3 week psychosis episode where I was paranoid about everyone and everything. Since then, my mind sometimes goes into overdrive (is triggered) when I'm facing things out of my control and starts making up these painful stories for which there is often no solid evidence, but there are snippets from which my mind begins to build (in this case, the text, and my lack of memory at what I said to him).

Another friend has invited me to a couple of casual events, tomorrow night, and Saturday night, and I don't care, I'm going. Anything is better than sitting at home sipping wine in agony. I need the distraction.

Edited January 18 by seany25