Pain, finality, and closure on my recent whirlwind fling

[seany25]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I'll just say it. You sould so insecure. Who except a teenager keeps an exact count of how many people they have slept with and feel the need to tell other people?

And it's not just that. You seem to feel that if someone is hurting you and if you can't get them then they must be absolutely great. That's total insecurity right there.

I would work on that first. "More" beautiful women won't fix this because the issues aren't about them. You aren't going to be happy until you find out what is making you feel this way. Limerance for 7 years isn't really healthy, either. Or even for 7 weeks, for that matter. You say you're working on yourself to become good enough for these women but once you are good enough for them, unless they absolutely disrespect you afterward by ignoring you, you are going to keep "craving" (your word earlier on) more. If you don't want to be happy that's one thing (some people don't) and if you want excitement and chasing rather than having then disregard what I have just said.

I don't understand that question. If I have had sex with 10 women, and then I have sex with another, the figure goes up by 1. Next time I have sex with another new woman, it goes up by another 1. It's just an automatic recognition in ones head; there is no effort involved. It would probably be more effort to try and forget.

I don't think it's been a constant limerance. After the first time we met and things fizzled out, I eventually forgot and moved on. Of course, there has been a number of times during the 7 years where she came back on to my radar and then left again without anything progressing, until now, where things finally did progress. For me, that's what gives this experience so much pop; the fact I've been continually teased for 7 years then rewarded at the end. A bit like having a carrot dangled in front of me that whole time that I was finally given a bite of.

I guess the ideal outcome for me is to have the best of both worlds. I would love a serious relationship, that has the fiery spontaneity I experienced last weekend. Who's to say that's not possible?

Edited December 9, 2023 by seany25

[seany25]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like you're ok with your adventure and she's not responding. It also seems like you don't really want anything "serious", with anyone. Just stories to relive and retell. 

That's ok. It seems like you have a lot of time to make up for. Please focus on your sobriety. Perhaps read up on cross addiction and sex addiction? 

I do like the adventure/fantasy viewpoint of things if I'm honest. I think I do want something serious, but it should also have hot fiery passion too. I've ended things with girls where the passion was not there. Then when I find a girl who does give me the wild sex I want, she is out of my reach.

There is no work to be done on my abstinence. In fact, I am not 100% teetotal. I do drink alcohol on occasion (although I haven't had a drink in a year). I gave up party-drugs in 2010 and that was that. I do not consider myself in recovery or any of that stuff. It's never been needed. I can be around party drugs and I am not tempted in the slightest.

The sex addiction book suggestion is interesting, though.

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

It's interesting to know that you have a history of drug addiction and I can't help but wonder if you are repeating old patterns.  It almost sounds like you are approaching sex and relations with women in the way an addict would approach drugs.  I wonder if you have replaced drugs with sex in a way.  Always chasing the "high", the adrenaline rush.  Always talking about women/sex in extreme terms as if it's a roller coaster.  Yes it is fun in the short term but ultimately it's not a healthy way to function in dating and it gets less and less cute as you get older.  You're not in your 20s anymore.

 

I am not sure if I have ever considered this, but I appreciate the suggestion, It's worth looking into. There has been a number of key females in my life, who, when I found I could not have more of them in my life or they outright left my life, I pined for them and went through emotional pain for longer than I should have. Perhaps I am possibly addicted to this feeling in some way. I even said somewhere in this thread that I "thrive" off this kind of infatuation.

50 minutes ago, FredEire said:

20s is where the damage is done. I have a couple of friends who had triple digit body counts and were also addicted to party drugs and not only did nobody think they needed help they were envied and congratulated.

I'm only 30 now but it's becoming more obvious every year already how bad for them that lifestyle actually was.

I managed to quit when I was 25. They had messed my head up and it took quite a while to get better. But 13 years later I'm well educated, I'm on a career trajectory that would have seemed impossible back then, and I've just bought a home.

I wouldn't change anything about my past, but I'm glad I gave up drugs when I did. It's actually a beautiful story in itself; I had just sneaked out of a party and made my way home to suffer in silence for a few days coming down. When I got home, I put on Eminem's album 'Recovery' to blank out the auditory hallucinations that were bugging me, and as I listened to him rapping about his own recovery, he inspired me to quit there and then. And I did quit, and never took them again.

Eminem saved my life and I'm eternally grateful to him 💙

Edited December 9, 2023 by seany25

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I do like the adventure/fantasy viewpoint of things if I'm honest. I think I do want something serious, but it should also have hot fiery passion too. I've ended things with girls where the passion was not there. Then when I find a girl who does give me the wild sex I want, she is out of my reach.

There is no work to be done on my abstinence. In fact, I am not 100% teetotal. I do drink alcohol on occasion (although I haven't had a drink in a year). I gave up party-drugs in 2010 and that was that. I do not consider myself in recovery or any of that stuff. It's never been needed. I can be around party drugs and I am not tempted in the slightest.

The sex addiction book suggestion is interesting, though.

I am not sure if I have ever considered this, but I appreciate the suggestion, It's worth looking into. There has been a number of key females in my life, who, when I found I could not have more of them in my life or they outright left my life, I pined for them and went through emotional pain for longer than I should have. Perhaps I am possibly addicted to this feeling in some way. I even said somewhere in this thread that I "thrive" off this kind of infatuation.

I managed to quit when I was 25. They had messed my head up and it took quite a while to get better. But 13 years later I'm well educated, I'm on a career trajectory that would have seemed impossible back then, and I've just bought a home.

I wouldn't change anything about my past, but I'm glad I gave up drugs when I did. It's actually a beautiful story in itself; I had just sneaked out of a party and made my way home to suffer in silence for a few days coming down. When I got home, I put on Eminem's album 'Recovery' to blank out the auditory hallucinations that were bugging me, and as I listened to him rapping about his own recovery, he inspired me to quit there and then. And I did quit, and never took them again.

Eminem saved my life and I'm eternally grateful to him 💙

Congrats on giving up the substances, it's a horribly difficult habit to kick and I'm eternally grateful I never got into much myself other than alcohol.

I think the point some are maybe making on here though is that addictive personality types are rarely addicts to just one thing, and that maybe sex and the chasing of sex has fulfilled that role for you now you're not on anything else.

I personally don't think a relationship will work for you if you want it to be all about constant passion. There are degrees of passionate relationship, sure, but they tend to have their ups and downs and trials and tribulations and I think with your current mindset you would get bored extremely quickly and leave the woman feeling alienated.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, seany25 said:

.The sex addiction book suggestion is interesting,.Perhaps I am possibly addicted to this feeling in some way. I even said somewhere in this thread that I "thrive" off this kind of infatuation.

It sounds like you got your life back on track and under good control and things are falling in place. If you're interested here's some info:

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22690-sex-addiction-hypersexuality-and-compulsive-sexual-behavior

[Alpacalia]

39 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I do like the adventure/fantasy viewpoint of things if I'm honest. I think I do want something serious, but it should also have hot fiery passion too. I've ended things with girls where the passion was not there. Then when I find a girl who does give me the wild sex I want, she is out of my reach.

There is no work to be done on my abstinence. In fact, I am not 100% teetotal. I do drink alcohol on occasion (although I haven't had a drink in a year). I gave up party-drugs in 2010 and that was that. I do not consider myself in recovery or any of that stuff. It's never been needed. I can be around party drugs and I am not tempted in the slightest.

The sex addiction book suggestion is interesting, though.

Hot fiery passion is great and all but that is not going to sustain a relationship long term. You need more than just physical attraction. You need to find someone who you can have a deep connection and compatibility with. And sometimes, that means having to sacrifice some of the excitement and drama that come with wild sex. And it's good to hear that you have control over your substance use. If you can do it with that, then you can definitely do it with your love life.

This isn't about this woman this is about you and the patterns that you have been repeating.

You need to take a closer look at why you keep going after these women who are out of your reach and why you are so drawn to the excitement and passion that comes with short term relationships. It might be uncomfortable but therapy can really help you unravel these patterns and figure out what is truly important to you in a relationship.

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

 I think I do want something serious, but it should also have hot fiery passion too. I've ended things with girls where the passion was not there.

 

You have unrealistic expectations and a lack of understanding of the nature of long term, serious relationships.  You said earlier that you've never had a long term relationship, at age 37.  That's unusual and very telling.  You need to understand that long term relationships usually don't sustain hot, fiery passion beyond the beginning stages.  99% of the time the hot, fiery passion dies down after maybe a year or two, perhaps longer for some people.  It gets replaced with a different type of love and attraction; a more mundane companionship.  If you are a person who needs hot, fiery passion and excitement for the whole time then you won't be successful in long term relationships.  You'll be the kind of person who gets bored and needs something new, and probably cheats, or breaks up with people when you get bored of them.  You are very obviously addicted to the excitement and adrenaline of being with someone new.  There is a name for that: New Relationship Energy.  It's fun but it burns off just like the high from a drug fades away.  Don't confuse that with how a real relationship would be.

Not everyone HAS to enter into a long term relationship and settle down.  Society tells us that there is one "correct" way to live our lives, and that is to settle down, get married, etc. but the truth is not everyone is built for it.  You need the self-awareness to figure out what exactly you really want, and be honest with people about it.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you're interested here's some info:

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22690-sex-addiction-hypersexuality-and-compulsive-sexual-behavior

I also wonder about this, OP. 

I have a (male) acquaintaince who considers himself a sex addict and what you describe sounds an awful lot like him. He had relationships in the past but they didn't tend to last long before he was cheating or otherwise off searching for the next sexual thrill. He is currently in an open relationship, and believes this is the only way he can function in a relationship - his girlfriend is apparently aware of his side pursuits and he is often on apps and looking for the next sexual partner. (I don't know her personally, and can't speak to her real feelings on this nor the extent to which she is aware of what he actually gets up to in his free time) 

When he talks about the women he meets, his verbiage is nearly identical to yours - all about passion, firey intensity, lust, longing, craving. It's almost comical to listen to, because he paints the picture of a Harlequin romance novel with himself as the main character. He's in his mid-40s now and has no intention of finding a monogamous partner, because he knows he isn't built this way. I do sometimes wonder what he would do if he were no longer able to have (or find) sex readily. To me, it seems compulsive on his part. I know he has some serious trauma  in his past that is apparently common for those who are addicted to sex, and I can't help but see the connection between that and his current behaviour as an adult. I am not suggesting you were traumatized, but rather that you might find echos of yourself in the link Wise posted above. It would be worth looking into, if you're struggling to find what you really want in life and relationships. 

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I also wonder about this, OP. 

I have a (male) acquaintaince who considers himself a sex addict and what you describe sounds an awful lot like him. He had relationships in the past but they didn't tend to last long before he was cheating or otherwise off searching for the next sexual thrill. He is currently in an open relationship, and believes this is the only way he can function in a relationship - his girlfriend is apparently aware of his side pursuits and he is often on apps and looking for the next sexual partner. (I don't know her personally, and can't speak to her real feelings on this nor the extent to which she is aware of what he actually gets up to in his free time) 

When he talks about the women he meets, his verbiage is nearly identical to yours - all about passion, firey intensity, lust, longing, craving. It's almost comical to listen to, because he paints the picture of a Harlequin romance novel with himself as the main character. He's in his mid-40s now and has no intention of finding a monogamous partner, because he knows he isn't built this way. I do sometimes wonder what he would do if he were no longer able to have (or find) sex readily. To me, it seems compulsive on his part. I know he has some serious trauma  in his past that is apparently common for those who are addicted to sex, and I can't help but see the connection between that and his current behaviour as an adult. I am not suggesting you were traumatized, but rather that you might find echos of yourself in the link Wise posted above. It would be worth looking into, if you're struggling to find what you really want in life and relationships. 

Yes likewise, I had a friend who'd get very unsettled being with a group of male friends in a bar without the ability to talk to a woman for any period of time, and would randomly talk about how annoying it was that some girl he had talked to for ten minutes two months ago had never texted him back.

It may not take that form every time but it's a very real problem. It's a shame that from a man's perspective talking to women and getting sex = success in the eyes of many, when there are individuals who are suffering and don't even know what the problem is.

[seany25]

We have been texting again. I contacted her at the weekend to see what she was up to and there a was back and forth. This may not have happened if I'd taken the classic "don't text back if you don't get a response after 2 texts and 2 days..." advice. I know the intentions are well-meaning, but we're all going to die some day, who cares if you double text? I don't. It's just the level of investment is hot and cold now; where she takes longer to get back to me than before, etc. I'm taking a step back and trying not to think about it too much. I guess I've just been worried that we won't meet again, based on the history, where she'd vanish off the radar.

I realise I can effectively push her away if I were to bombard her with contact (which I haven't) but I'm not too proud that I would prefer to stop reaching out now and again (if she were to vanish again). I accept that she owes me nothing. It's now been 2 days again 😄 but again, I'm just going to get on with my work and hobbies and if it's meant to be it will be. I'm not going to try and force it because I understand how attraction decreases the more invested a guy is. If she knows she "has you" her interest drops. I know it's more scientific than I'm able to express, but I get it. I need to sit back and allow her space to come to me if she wants to. She already knows how attracted I am to her.

Something puzzling though is that I would have imagined a girl's desire for a guy increases after having sex with them, especially when it was absolute fireworks. On the other hand, I'm sure the opposite can also be true, regardless of how good it was. I'm not expecting her to be besotted with me, but we share literal sexual chemistry on some level now; doesn't having sex with a man make a woman feel more connected to him?

As for it not being healthy to keep waiting around for one girl all my life, that's not what I was doing. This recent experience has simply thrown my rational mind out of alignment and shaken my life up. I'm not displeased at all about this. Sure, if I don't see her again, that will suck a little, but ultimately she has left me better than she found me (for reasons previously mentioned such as my standards going up, etc).

I appreciate the advice about looking inward to see why I'm repeating the same addictive patterns and behaviours when it comes to my desire for unattainable women.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, seany25 said:

 I contacted her at the weekend to see what she was up to and there a was back and forth. 

If she is sidestepping or ignoring date invitations, playing hard to get is pointless. what are you texting about and is she interested in getting together? Unfortunately it seems like it wasn't as good for her as it was for you if she's getting cold. 

[FredEire]

20 minutes ago, seany25 said:

We have been texting again. I contacted her at the weekend to see what she was up to and there a was back and forth. This may not have happened if I'd taken the classic "don't text back if you don't get a response after 2 texts and 2 days..." advice. I know the intentions are well-meaning, but we're all going to die some day, who cares if you double text? I don't. It's just the level of investment is hot and cold now; where she takes longer to get back to me than before, etc. I'm taking a step back and trying not to think about it too much. I guess I've just been worried that we won't meet again, based on the history, where she'd vanish off the radar.

I realise I can effectively push her away if I were to bombard her with contact (which I haven't) but I'm not too proud that I would prefer to stop reaching out now and again (if she were to vanish again). I accept that she owes me nothing. It's now been 2 days again 😄 but again, I'm just going to get on with my work and hobbies and if it's meant to be it will be. I'm not going to try and force it because I understand how attraction decreases the more invested a guy is. If she knows she "has you" her interest drops. I know it's more scientific than I'm able to express, but I get it. I need to sit back and allow her space to come to me if she wants to. She already knows how attracted I am to her.

Something puzzling though is that I would have imagined a girl's desire for a guy increases after having sex with them, especially when it was absolute fireworks. On the other hand, I'm sure the opposite can also be true, regardless of how good it was. I'm not expecting her to be besotted with me, but we share literal sexual chemistry on some level now; doesn't having sex with a man make a woman feel more connected to him?

As for it not being healthy to keep waiting around for one girl all my life, that's not what I was doing. This recent experience has simply thrown my rational mind out of alignment and shaken my life up. I'm not displeased at all about this. Sure, if I don't see her again, that will suck a little, but ultimately she has left me better than she found me (for reasons previously mentioned such as my standards going up, etc).

I appreciate the advice about looking inward to see why I'm repeating the same addictive patterns and behaviours when it comes to my desire for unattainable women.

Not always. Sometimes it's just a quick fling, a way to pass the time and have fun. Some girls are on to the next guy very quickly and don't care to repeat the experience. Having sex with someone doesn't mean you've "won" them.

[basil67]

You asked if women’s desire for men increases after great sex.  I’m female and I’ve never found it to be true.  For my desire to increase, I need not only good sexual connection but good personal connection.  I need to end the meet thinking about how good our conversation was.  
 

Also, I’ve had what turned out to be average sex, but the guy thought it was super hot.  (Not that I’d ever have told him how I felt) so one person’s amazing sex can be another person’s average.  
 

Meanwhile, you seem to be reading a lot about attracting/repelling women.  You do know that we’re all different and like different things right?  Have you ever had a solid relationship?  

 

 

[seany25]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If she is sidestepping or ignoring date invitations, playing hard to get is pointless. what are you texting about and is she interested in getting together? Unfortunately it seems like it wasn't as good for her as it was for you if she's getting cold. 

After the sex she was excitedly talking about meeting again, not so much now. I guess she was still experiencing the post-coitus afterglow. The texting was just checking in with each other and seeing what we were up to, etc.

It does feel like it's gone cold, although she does have a busy life. But there's no point in me trying to grasp at excuses.

[seany25]

46 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Not always. Sometimes it's just a quick fling, a way to pass the time and have fun. Some girls are on to the next guy very quickly and don't care to repeat the experience. Having sex with someone doesn't mean you've "won" them.

Yeah I no way did I consider myself having "won" her.

32 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You asked if women’s desire for men increases after great sex.  I’m female and I’ve never found it to be true.  For my desire to increase, I need not only good sexual connection but good personal connection.  I need to end the meet thinking about how good our conversation was.

Also, I’ve had what turned out to be average sex, but the guy thought it was super hot.  (Not that I’d ever have told him how I felt) so one person’s amazing sex can be another person’s average.

Meanwhile, you seem to be reading a lot about attracting/repelling women.  You do know that we’re all different and like different things right?  Have you ever had a solid relationship?
 

We had great sex and great conversation. She even said over dinner she enjoyed our interactions and discussions. Unfortunately, from my perspective, connections don't seem to last long for her as they appear to evaporate or she gets bored. It's hard to know for sure if this is correct when previously she has just vanished without saying why. This is part of the mystery I feel surrounds her.

I am pretty sure she will be constantly bombarded by lots of men more handsome than me and I maybe should just count myself lucky that she even gave me that one spicy afternoon.

I have never had a solid relationship, no. I could have, but I ended things with those girls because I felt I could do better. It turns out I can do better, at least as far as what I want in terms of looks, but then when I do get the hot girl I want, she is unattainable for anything more than the short-term stuff.

EDIT: Although it's perhaps silly of me to talk about her only wanting "short term stuff". This is way too soon in any type of relationship for that. I'm getting ahead of myself and I don't/can't know what the future will hold. Maybe we will have more, maybe we won't. The way I see it is, our paths ended up crossing once before, so it might happen again. Some might say this is an unhealthy way to live, but I'm not doing anything better. If I'm just going about my day and she pops up, and I'm available, am I going to turn her down? No, of course not.

Edited December 11, 2023 by seany25

[FredEire]

13 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Yeah I no way did I consider myself having "won" her.

We had great sex and great conversation. She even said over dinner she enjoyed our interactions and discussions. Unfortunately, from my perspective, connections don't seem to last long for her as they appear to evaporate or she gets bored. It's hard to know for sure if this is correct when previously she has just vanished without saying why. This is part of the mystery I feel surrounds her.

I am pretty sure she will be constantly bombarded by lots of men more handsome than me and I maybe should just count myself lucky that she even gave me that one spicy afternoon.

I have never had a solid relationship, no. I could have, but I ended things with those girls because I felt I could do better. It turns out I can do better, at least as far as what I want in terms of looks, but then when I do get the hot girl I want, she is unattainable for anything more than the short-term stuff.

EDIT: Although it's perhaps silly of me to talk about her only wanting "short term stuff". This is way too soon in any type of relationship for that. I'm getting ahead of myself and I don't/can't know what the future will hold. Maybe we will have more, maybe we won't. The way I see it is, our paths ended up crossing once before, so it might happen again. Some might say this is an unhealthy way to live, but I'm not doing anything better. If I'm just going about my day and she pops up, and I'm available, am I going to turn her down? No, of course not.

I think men automatically attach a sense of mystery and intrigue to beautiful women, I've done it myself in the past but I think it's a mistake.

You said yourself she gets bored. She probably just likes sleeping around and having a good time, absolutely nothing mysterious about that. If she was just a normal looking girl it wouldn't seem mysterious at all 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

we're all going to die some day, who cares if you double text?

You're misunderstanding why it is not wise. You can't gauge someone's real interest if you're always the one nudging them to respond to you. You won't be able to tell if they're responding out of genuine interest, or just because they're bored or trying to be polite. 

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

I need to sit back and allow her space to come to me if she wants to

Exactly. You've put the ball in her court a few times now. Let her actually volley it back if she is so inclined, without any prompting from you. 

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

doesn't having sex with a man make a woman feel more connected to him?

Not always, no. If I wasn't that into a guy on a personal level, some fun sex wasn't going to change that. You are also assuming it was as explosive for her as it was for you. Maybe it was, or maybe not. I'm not suggesting she didn't enjoy herself but it might not have been the "fireworks"-sort of sex that it was for you. 

52 minutes ago, seany25 said:

After the sex she was excitedly talking about meeting again, not so much now.

There might well be someone else on her radar that she's prioritizing now. Or, she may simply have sensed that you were overly-excited about her and she wanted to send the signal that it isn't the same for her. 

[seany25]

27 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I think men automatically attach a sense of mystery and intrigue to beautiful women, I've done it myself in the past but I think it's a mistake.

You said yourself she gets bored. She probably just likes sleeping around and having a good time, absolutely nothing mysterious about that. If she was just a normal looking girl it wouldn't seem mysterious at all 

From my perspective she's mysterious, though. Like you said, we probably naturally do this just because we're men. In this case, far from being a normal looking girl, she's the hottest woman I've ever had. So perhaps if and when I have sex with another woman of equal hotness, my perspective might change... even though I believe I'll always have a strong lust for this one; and I'm okay with that.

On the most basic level, it's human nature to desire that which we can't have. So I know a lot of of this is due to that.

Edited December 11, 2023 by seany25

[FredEire]

12 minutes ago, seany25 said:

From my perspective she's mysterious, though. Like you said, we probably naturally do this just because we're men. In this case, far from being a normal looking girl, she's the hottest woman I've ever had. So perhaps if and when I have sex with another woman of equal hotness, my perspective might change... even though I believe I'll always have a strong lust for this one; and I'm okay with that.

On the most basic level, it's human nature to desire that which we can't have. So I know a lot of of this is due to that.

Haha yes because you think she's sexy. If she was just a girl you wouldn't look twice at on the street she'd be no mystery to you at all.

Try and stop that, it's not going to help you think clearly. Women are just women, the only difference between beautiful women and ordinary looking women is they may have more men pursuing them. But they still fart, snore, burp and wake up with their hair everywhere.

They're not some mysterious princess and thinking that only prevents you from engaging with them on a human level. A lot of very attractive girls get tired of the fakeness of men trying to treat them like Snow White.

Edited December 11, 2023 by FredEire

[seany25]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're misunderstanding why it is not wise. You can't gauge someone's real interest if you're always the one nudging them to respond to you. You won't be able to tell if they're responding out of genuine interest, or just because they're bored or trying to be polite.

Exactly. You've put the ball in her court a few times now. Let her actually volley it back if she is so inclined, without any prompting from you.

she may simply have sensed that you were overly-excited about her and she wanted to send the signal that it isn't the same for her.

I get it, and I'm starting to consider how things look on the woman's side of the text. Overly high investment from my side = bad. She needs to want you, and she won't want it if she knows she already has it all.

I know what I've done. I think I've kept chasing after having sex with her instead of playing cool. I was being cool too, but I might have come across as overexcited in the days after... but maybe not, I think I was just matching her levels of aftermath excitement, BUT then perhaps I should have kept my excitement just a little lower than hers 🤔

In my defence, it did all happen very fast and I may have gotten ruffled in the whirlwind, but I now know I have to try and reign in my emotions under these sexual aftermaths.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I know what I've done. I think I've kept chasing after having sex 

If she ghosted when you asked her out there's not much more to do. Even though you're texting she doesn't seem that interested. 

It's ok to engage in some magical thinking but if it's getting out of control and preventing you from real dating perhaps it's time to put this obsession and fantasy away for now.

Please don't try to apply dating or PUA tactics to this. It seems like a one and done. She knows your contact info and if she's not contacting you, free yourself to move on. 

[seany25]

22 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Haha yes because you think she's sexy. If she was just a girl you wouldn't look twice at on the street she'd be no mystery to you at all.

Try and stop that, it's not going to help you think clearly. Women are just women, the only difference between beautiful women and ordinary looking women is they may have more men pursuing them. But they still fart, snore, burp and wake up with their hair everywhere.

They're not some mysterious princess and thinking that only prevents you from engaging with them on a human level. A lot of very attractive girls get tired of the fakeness of men trying to treat them like Snow White.

 

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If she ghosted when you asked her out there's not much more to do. Even though you're texting she doesn't seem that interested. 

It's ok to engage in some magical thinking but if it's getting out of control and preventing you from real dating perhaps it's time to put this obsession and fantasy away for now.

Please don't try to apply dating or PUA tactics to this. It seems like a one and done. She knows your contact info and if she's not contacting you, free yourself to move on. 

It's kind of upsetting to think we could have passionate sex and then not meet again. I guess this is how women must feel when a guy does it to them! I'm sure I'll be able to extract a funny side to this in that regard. She hasn't done anything wrong. She owes me nothing. No matter what does or doesn't happen from here, this lady has still left me much better off than I was before and I appreciate her for for that 💖🔥

For the record, I don't think I've ever had sex with a girl and then ignored her. Okay, maybe I have at some point, but my morals have became more solid within the last decade; I even decided not to have sex with a girl I brought home one night about 6 years ago because I realised I wouldn't want to see her again. I just tucked her into my bed and stayed up having a few drinks by myself. Sure, I wasn't super attracted to her, but it still felt good to refrain from having sex with a girl just for the sake of it, and risk hurting her feelings by not wanting to meet her again.

I won't use PUA nonsense. I still cringe that I tried "canned openers" 10 years ago when I first discovered that "secret society". Although you're probably right about putting the fantasy away. Again, this experience might not have taken place, but it did! So I might even want to try and consider it closure 🤷 the fantasy was fulfilled. Yes, it opened the door for additional lust, but I should just chill and if it happens again in the future, great.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, seany25 said:

It's kind of upsetting to think we could have passionate sex and then not meet again.

Part of your problem is that you have already attached all sorts of significance to this encounter. I guarantee you she saw this very differently. 

You use words like passion, lust, desire, craving...and admit you've been harbouring a secret desire for her for the last 7 years. So for you, the sex was consequently off-the-charts. For her, it was likely a fun time and some good sex but didn't rock her world the way it rocked yours. She doesn't have the same emotional ties to it (or you) that you do. That's why it would not not be hard for her to tuck this one away as a good memory but then keep moving. 

[introverted1]

Weren't you supposed to have a date with her this weekend?  Did she actually cancel or did she just pretend it was never scheduled? 

[seany25]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Part of your problem is that you have already attached all sorts of significance to this encounter. I guarantee you she saw this very differently. 

You use words like passion, lust, desire, craving...and admit you've been harbouring a secret desire for her for the last 7 years. So for you, the sex was consequently off-the-charts. For her, it was likely a fun time and some good sex but didn't rock her world the way it rocked yours. She doesn't have the same emotional ties to it (or you) that you do. That's why it would not not be hard for her to tuck this one away as a good memory but then keep moving. 

Yeah it was more than just sex for me, it's a story. I'm not saying it was love, either. But surely it's understandable that a dudes mind might harmlessly keep the fantasy alive after having it fulfilled after all those years. Yeah I know I'm a bit of a fantasist but again, what's the harm.

If our paths cross at some point and we get to do more of the same, it'll be a continuation of the fantasy.

That might sound weird to some, but I like the idea. It's exciting.

[seany25]

4 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Weren't you supposed to have a date with her this weekend?  Did she actually cancel or did she just pretend it was never scheduled? 

Yeah, cancelled. I already knew she might not be available tho. It wasn't set in stone.