Pain, finality, and closure on my recent whirlwind fling

[seany25]

Okay, I've probably come across in an unsavoury manner and yes, I have made it into a bigger deal than I should have. This is probably because she's the hottest woman I've been with and my mind wandered off in the excitement of it all.

There is more good than bad here. A lady gave me a beautiful experience I desired, so I have got nothing to complain about. Yes, I would have liked some more but at the end of the day, I've gained, not lost. I shouldn't be assuming anything about her motives, and I hope she is okay.

I've also come across as more superficial than I am. This was because I was on a high from the experience. It's not just about her looks. Whilst she is indeed incredibly beautiful, she is also smart, sharp, strong, independent, hardworking, ambitious, educated, and possesses an admirable strength of character and resilience stemming from having survived the things she's been through. Being a social worker, this makes her kind, considerate, and caring. When all the above are wrapped up in her alluring, mesmerising persona, as well as her being fun and exciting, all of the above is why I'm so attracted to her. Yes, she probably has a few flaws and red flags like all of us do, but she is predominately brilliant for the most part 💖

Having said that, she was kind enough to give me a beautiful experience with her and I appreciate her so much for that. I got carried away with the 'rejection' side of this but on the whole, she is an amazing woman who has impacted my life positively. I'm jealous and sad that I don't get to experience more with her but that's just something I'll have to get over. I genuinely wish her well.

13 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

your reaction to what was essentially a one-night-stand that didn't work out is just not normal.  You are being really overdramatic and overly intense about this.

I read this last night and it made me sit up and take notice of how I've reacted to all this but before responding I decided I wanted to sleep on it. Yes, I am still a little bit hurt by the rejection and the idea of not seeing her again but on the whole, it's all good. I'm still way better off than I was before.

And listen, everyone, I don't need professional help, at least not for this. In the last 2 years, I've lost a sister and my mum. I've previously overcome drug addiction and got a problematic drinking issue under control; and there are many more experiences I could list. All the stuff I've ever got through was done by me and me alone. I don't need professional help for what is essentially just lust and sexual attraction for a woman I find incredibly desirable (although I'm sure some might argue otherwise).

What I really need and want is a relationship with a woman like the above, with all the looks, traits, and qualities she possesses. Since I've never been more attracted to anyone, that's obviously what my standards are. So whether it's with her or another woman, that's what I'm looking for, and so that's what I will seek.

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You could replace your adrenaline needs with more exciting less self defeating activities such as sports or hobbies. Hopefully you realize that getting lucky on a one night stand really is a short lived thrill. 

Just wanted to respond to this point too. Whilst I do go to the gym and have hobbies, etc, I don't think of sports as 'more exciting' than incredible sex. Yes, in this case it was a one-off but I still couldn't think of something like kicking or throwing a ball around as more exciting.

And if that means receiving the odd emotional scar here and there, so be it.

Edited December 15, 2023 by seany25

[ExpatInItaly]

The suggestion to seek professional help isn’t about this woman, in and of itself. 

It’s because you are clearly struggling  with your emotions and your reaction to all of this is arguably quite disproportionate to the situation. It’s pointing are unresolved, underlying issues. This thread reveals a deeper problem  which this particular event triggered. 

However, your path forward is up to you.

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, seany25 said:

 , in this case it was a one-off but  if that means receiving the odd emotional scar here and there, so be it.

Fortunately a one night stand  that didn't go anywhere isn't an "emotional scar" .  You seem to want to rehash, retell, recount the details of and reimagine and try to relive the experience to sort of draw it out. However you also seem to be on a rollercoaster of scorn/praise in order to assuage your disappointment. 

[seany25]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The suggestion to seek professional help isn’t about this woman, in and of itself. 

It’s because you are clearly struggling  with your emotions and your reaction to all of this is arguably quite disproportionate to the situation. It’s pointing are unresolved, underlying issues. This thread reveals a deeper problem  which this particular event triggered. 

Okay, so I know I've got deeply repressed abandonment issues due to my parent's divorce when I was younger. A very smart and sensitive lady was able to extract this from a deep and prolonged discussion we had about 10 years ago. So there we go, problem uncovered. So what now? I don't see how "talking to someone about it" will make any difference whatsoever. And even if we uncovered something different, then what? I get to have a "wow" moment and then go about my day. What exactly can you do with unveiling things from your past? Nothing, you'll just go about your day afterwards, so what difference can it make? I'm not slamming therapy as a practice, but sitting in a room "talking" about my childhood like I'm a depression case would not be of any interest to me. And if you "uncover" stuff, where does "resolution" come from? What good could therapy do that I can't better fix by going after my goals and bettering myself?

[seany25]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Fortunately a one night stand  that didn't go anywhere isn't an "emotional scar" .  You seem to want to rehash, retell, recount the details of and reimagine and try to relive the experience to sort of draw it out. However you also seem to be on a rollercoaster of scorn/praise in order to assuage your disappointment. 

In saying "emotional scars" I'm being somewhat metaphorical about life's journey in general. But how do you know this isn't an emotional scar? How can you know that? I understand you're probably saying that because it hasn't been some long-term relationship, and fair enough, but you don't know what mark it has or hasn't left. You're probably right about the "rehashing" and reimagining of things though.

Again, "emotional scars" was meant more metaphorically. This recent event was more of an exciting and impactful whirlwind experience.

Edited December 15, 2023 by seany25

[FredEire]

54 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Okay, so I know I've got deeply repressed abandonment issues due to my parent's divorce when I was younger. A very smart and sensitive lady was able to extract this from a deep and prolonged discussion we had about 10 years ago. So there we go, problem uncovered. So what now? I don't see how "talking to someone about it" will make any difference whatsoever. And even if we uncovered something different, then what? I get to have a "wow" moment and then go about my day. What exactly can you do with unveiling things from your past? Nothing, you'll just go about your day afterwards, so what difference can it make? I'm not slamming therapy as a practice, but sitting in a room "talking" about my childhood like I'm a depression case would not be of any interest to me. And if you "uncover" stuff, where does "resolution" come from? What good could therapy do that I can't better fix by going after my goals and bettering myself?

Mate I'm saying this because I want to help you... you're barking up the wrong tree. The difference is makes is PROCESSING the trauma, knowing something analytically makes very little difference, but actually going through and feeling the repressed pain can fundamentally change your life and your worldview for the better. Talk therapy done right will help you with this enormously.

You can just try some breathing techniques and keep frustratedly searching for the "girl to rock your world" for years and years to come if you want, but I don't think it's going to result in anything but disappointment. Even just from the way you speak there's a level of dehumanisation of your romantic partners and yourself, turning the situation into fantasy. This is a huge problem and I don't think Wim Hof techniques are going to be enough to change it.

You probably won't like this but you came to this forum looking for help and its honestly what I think. You have the power to be the change you need to make but in my opinion you're currently way off. Getting out of this fantasy world you've built for yourself and into something more solid and real (though it may be full of pain), should be your main objective. Otherwise it's never going to work out for you, it can't because you're not approaching things from a genuine place.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

Okay, so I know I've got deeply repressed abandonment issues due to my parent's divorce when I was younger. A very smart and sensitive lady was able to extract this from a deep and prolonged discussion we had about 10 years ago. So there we go, problem uncovered. So what now? I don't see how "talking to someone about it" will make any difference whatsoever. And even if we uncovered something different, then what? I get to have a "wow" moment and then go about my day. What exactly can you do with unveiling things from your past? Nothing, you'll just go about your day afterwards, so what difference can it make? I'm not slamming therapy as a practice, but sitting in a room "talking" about my childhood like I'm a depression case would not be of any interest to me. And if you "uncover" stuff, where does "resolution" come from? What good could therapy do that I can't better fix by going after my goals and bettering myself?

 

You don't see how it will help because you haven't done it. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

In saying "emotional scars" I'm being somewhat metaphorical about life's journey in general. But how do you know this isn't an emotional scar? How can you know that? I understand you're probably saying that because it hasn't been some long-term relationship, and fair enough, but you don't know what mark it has or hasn't left. You're probably right about the "rehashing" and reimagining of things though.

Again, "emotional scars" was meant more metaphorically. This recent event was more of an exciting and impactful whirlwind experience.

 

What you're doing is vascilating wildly from one extreme to the other, back and forth, back and forth. You're scarred,  nah...it's all good, she's a manipulative evildoer (paraphrasing) who planned all of this, you wish her well, you're angry at her usury, she does this to guys for her own nefarious purposes, she's a wonderful person with a caring job, she's cruel and loves to use men.

You keep realizing how over the top it sounds, then pulling back and trying to do this nervous-chuckle-style response, oh ha ha, you're actually all the better for it, onward and upward, wagons ho!

Then back to Shakesperian-style agonizing.

Come on, man.  You need some help with whatever is churning inside you.

Edited December 15, 2023 by CaliforniaGirl

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

Okay, so I know I've got deeply repressed abandonment issues due to my parent's divorce when I was younger. A very smart and sensitive lady was able to extract this from a deep and prolonged discussion we had about 10 years ago. So there we go, problem uncovered.

Please stop.  There are not easy answers that take less than one sentence that explain, much less resolve, an entire deep seated pattern of behavior.   Sure you're probably saddled with some level of abandonment issues like the rest of us who were products of a "broken home" or even didn't have a second parent present ever.  

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

 

So what now? I don't see how "talking to someone about it" will make any difference whatsoever. And even if we uncovered something different, then what? I get to have a "wow" moment and then go about my day. What exactly can you do with unveiling things from your past? Nothing, you'll just go about your day afterwards, so what difference can it make? I'm not slamming therapy as a practice, but sitting in a room "talking" about my childhood like I'm a depression case would not be of any interest to me. And if you "uncover" stuff, where does "resolution" come from? What good could therapy do that I can't better fix by going after my goals and bettering myself?

Nobody suggested you talk about your childhood "like you're a depression case" (whatever that means).   Also, if you actually have goals that you want to reach, including "bettering" yourself,  it would benefit you greatly to get your feet on the ground in all ways.   

I'm not alone with the  impression - that you experienced this woman as a blazing hot cartoon character with no real humanity at all.  Just a place to hang your own fantasies.  The way you describe your emotions are the same.  A lot of grandiosity attached to not much reality.

In fact, your idea about what goes on in therapy:  "A WOW moment and then go on about my day,"  mirrors the same thing.   You anticipate a BIG WOW moment and then nothing.  That's your experience of life so far.

You had sex with someone 7 years ago,  somehow managed to get a re-do recently, she was not down for any more of whatever happened during your encounter.  

That is not a grand story.   But you're spinning it every which way to resemble one.  

Would you like something more out of your personal life than a couple more encounters like this one?  With your track record of one per 7 years, you won't have many to look forward to.

 

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, seany25 said:

 I'm not slamming therapy as a practice, but sitting in a room "talking" about my childhood like I'm a depression case would not be of any interest to me. 

This shows that you don't understand what therapy is at all.   You seem to have a very emotionally immature view of the world.

Sitting around talking about your childhood is only one kind of therapy, but there are kinds of therapy where you don't even talk much about your childhood at all.  You talk about patterns of behavior that you have, whether they are dysfunctional or not working for you and how to change them.  And from this very long thread it couldn't be more clear that you have a lot of problematic patterns of behavior that are getting in the way of you being able to function successfully, at least when it comes to dating and relationships.  You're 37 and say you've never had a long term relationship.  That fact alone shows that something is off here.  If you're not interested in working on this the right way, then you will reap the consequences and continue to repeat these unhealthy patterns of behavior.  It's your choice.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, seany25 said:

What exactly can you do with unveiling things from your past? Nothing, you'll just go about your day afterwards, so what difference can it make?

Do you really have no idea what therapy actually is?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, seany25 said:

.This recent event was more of an exciting and impactful whirlwind experience.

Exactly. You got on the rollercoaster, had a thrill and now the ride is over. That's not exactly "traumatic", it's just that the high ended.  As a recovering addict you seem aware of this phenomenon. Get high, crash down. 

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, seany25 said:

I get to have a "wow" moment and then go about my day. What exactly can you do with unveiling things from your past? 

You get the opportunity to build a healthier future and a greater likelihood that you will get what you want out of life - 

Not dealing with the past and repeating the same dysfunctional and emotionally immature behaviors leads you to the place you are now - unhappy, anxious, increasingly bitter, and alone. 

Your choice. 

Edited December 15, 2023 by BaileyB

[basil67]

For some, a great ONS which leads nowhere will become a fond memory.  For others, it may well become an emotional scar.  It all comes back to how emotionally resilient/stable the person is. 

Where can you learn to better manage your emotional stability and increase your resilience?  Therapy

Edited December 15, 2023 by basil67

[seany25]

Okay, thanks everyone. Maybe I will consider therapy.

Something notable though is, how come it only happened with this girl. I've had short flings with many girls before and when she or I withdrew from each other, it was fine. I was not upset about it.

I think it part of it comes down to rejection. I have those abandonment issues (rejection) and perhaps those deep-rooted feelings came to the surface. Again, tho, why were they so strong with this girl? I had sex with a young lady about a year ago whom I had been friends with for a couple of years first (over Facebook and text, etc.). One day, we decided to meet up and we ended up having sex in my car. It was also a great time, and she's also an attractive young lady in her mid-20s, AND she was/is relatively unattainable to me other than that one evening we had in my car, and yet I didn't have the misplaced emotional reaction that I did with this recent girl. Why? How come this recent girl impacted me so much more than others?

My unprofessional explanation comes back to the fact that we had that one date 7 years ago where we almost had full sex but didn't, and then 7 years later we did have sex. That's gotta be at least part of it. I always felt there was unfinished business and then when she gave me that, I was soon tossed on the scrapheap afterwards (I mean that humorously, not maliciously), and it all happened so quickly - it took 1 week from matching on Tinder to sex. After that, it took just a few more days for her text responses to start slowing down. Then, it took 1 more week of cold and distant text responses to reach the final rejection. Less than 20 days overall. But it's okay now. I accept it and appreciate that this whole thing took place.

Something I haven't even considered up to now is that this woman is freaking MILES out of my league. Like, I'm not ugly, because some girls have found me attractive, but I'm most definitely average compared to her. In fact, I'd personally say I am ugly compared to her if we were talking male-to-female attractiveness equivalents. I don't blame her for moving on any time she feels like it in life, as she can have literally any man she wants, and yet she was happy to give it to me. I should be counting my lucky stars 💖 (I am)

Finally.... Would it be weird to send her a message some time around Christmas just to say it was great to see her, thanks for showing me an amazing time, and wishing her well for the new year? My only intention here would be that I don't want to go into the new year with her thinking there's any kind of animosity on my side (from being rejected). Even if we never ever saw each other again I would prefer she didn't think I held anything against her. I can assure you it would ONLY be to wish her well and not to try and prompt a meeting or re-engage her romantically.

Perhaps it could be a silly or pointless idea but at the same time, what harm could it do just to close this thing off with well-wishes?

Edited December 16, 2023 by seany25

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, seany25 said:

  Would it be weird to send her a message some time around Christmas just to say it was great to see her, thanks for showing me an amazing time, 

Please just send a decent Christmas greeting, leave out the "thanks for the roll in the hay" innuendo.  It's ok to think of her as a sex object in your own mind but what are you thinking putting something that crass in a Christmas greeting? 

Edited December 16, 2023 by Wiseman2

[FredEire]

26 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Okay, thanks everyone. Maybe I will consider therapy.

Something notable though is, how come it only happened with this girl. I've had short flings with many girls before and when she or I withdrew from each other, it was fine. I was not upset about it.

I think it part of it comes down to rejection. I have those abandonment issues (rejection) and perhaps those deep-rooted feelings came to the surface. Again, tho, why were they so strong with this girl? I had sex with a young lady about a year ago whom I had been friends with for a couple of years first (over Facebook and text, etc.). One day, we decided to meet up and we ended up having sex in my car. It was also a great time, and she's also an attractive young lady in her mid-20s, AND she was/is relatively unattainable to me other than that one evening we had in my car, and yet I didn't have the misplaced emotional reaction that I did with this recent girl. Why? How come this recent girl impacted me so much more than others?

My unprofessional explanation comes back to the fact that we had that one date 7 years ago where we almost had full sex but didn't, and then 7 years later we did have sex. That's gotta be at least part of it. I always felt there was unfinished business and then when she gave me that, I was soon tossed on the scrapheap afterwards (I mean that humorously, not maliciously), and it all happened so quickly - it took 1 week from matching on Tinder to sex. After that, it took just a few more days for her text responses to start slowing down. Then, it took 1 more week of cold and distant text responses to reach the final rejection. Less than 20 days overall. But it's okay now. I accept it and appreciate that this whole thing took place.

Something I haven't even considered up to now is that this woman is freaking MILES out of my league. Like, I'm not ugly, because some girls have found me attractive, but I'm most definitely average compared to her. In fact, I'd personally say I am ugly compared to her if we were talking male-to-female attractiveness equivalents. I don't blame her for moving on any time she feels like it in life, as she can have literally any man she wants, and yet she was happy to give it to me. I should be counting my lucky stars 💖 (I am)

Finally.... Would it be weird to send her a message some time around Christmas just to say it was great to see her, thanks for showing me an amazing time, and wishing her well for the new year? My only intention here would be that I don't want to go into the new year with her thinking there's any kind of animosity on my side (from being rejected). Even if we never ever saw each other again I would prefer she didn't think I held anything against her. I can assure you it would ONLY be to wish her well and not to try and prompt a meeting or re-engage her romantically.

Perhaps it could be a silly or pointless idea but at the same time, what harm could it do just to close this thing off with well-wishes?

Stop intellectualising it. You also keep bringing it back to looks and sexuality, that seems to be the safe box/boundary you can work within.

Therapy would help you figure out the real reason for your negative patterns and I'm pretty sure it's a whole lot different to any of this stuff.

[seany25]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please just send a decent Christmas greeting, leave out the "thanks for the roll in the hay" innuendo.  It's ok to think of her as a sex object in your own mind but what are you thinking putting something that crass in a Christmas greeting? 

Okay okay I get it... it wouldn't have literally been something crass it would have been more like "it was great to see you..(. )...hope you have a great 2024..."

[basil67]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

Would it be weird to send her a message some time around Christmas just to say it was great to see her, thanks for showing me an amazing time, and wishing her well for the new year? My only intention here would be that I don't want to go into the new year with her thinking there's any kind of animosity on my side (from being rejected).

Yes it would be weird, especially the sex reference.  And given it was just casual sex, I doubt she's even thinking about whether you have any animosity towards her.  

Just let it go

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

Okay okay I get it... it wouldn't have literally been something crass it would have been more like "it was great to see you..(. )...hope you have a great 2024..."

Keep in mind she's not responsible for your propensity for one night stands, thrills and viewing women as toys. Nor did she traumatize you.  It's doubtful she'll want to see you again after her last message. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

Okay okay I get it... it wouldn't have literally been something crass it would have been more like "it was great to see you..(. )...hope you have a great 2024..."

Just don't approach her. You're making for excuses already to do that. No matter how she responds, or if she doesn't, you'll be all in knots over it. And you will look pretty weak STILL thinking of her after she kicked you down.

 

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, seany25 said:

Finally.... Would it be weird to send her a message some time around Christmas just to say it was great to see her, thanks for showing me an amazing time, and wishing her well for the new year?

Yes it would be weird and it would be unnecessary.  She has already shown you that she doesn't care about you, that she has already moved on.  Just stop already with your obsession with this woman.  

[Wiseman2]

On 12/14/2023 at 12:34 AM, seany25 said:

:Really? I thought you had become disinterested so I just thought... thank you, next"

Unfortunately she perceives you as playing games and perhaps picked up on your women as conquests attitude. You can send greetings, but it seems like she's done. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, seany25 said:

Would it be weird to send her a message some time around Christmas just to say it was great to see her, thanks for showing me an amazing time, and wishing her well for the new year?

Yes, it would be weird. Stop. 

5 hours ago, seany25 said:

I don't want to go into the new year with her thinking there's any kind of animosity on my side

I don't think she really cares if there's anomisty or not. She isn't thinking about you that way and doesn't care if you like her, dislike her, or secretly hope she gets hit by a bus. 

Just let it go. 

 

[seany25]

When we met for the first date 7 years ago, she brought me a bunch of gifts back from her beach holiday (we had been talking whilst she was away, then met when she came back). There was like 7 or 8 items including a cute teddy. Each item had a personalised, written note attached to it with a cute, funny, or naughty message from her. She had gone to a lot of effort and I'd never experienced anything like it on a date, let alone a first date. I'm not saying this to further rehash things, the reason I'm sharing it is just to highlight how she has always stood-out from all other girls in profoundly noticeable ways and this 'outstanding' aspect of her being has had a lasting and mesmerising effect on me.

Should I burn the stuff and the notes now? Yes, I still have them. They just stayed in a cupboard in the gift bag. They're just kind of sitting there out of view and I forgot they even existed until recently when she popped up again. Would it be a good idea to burn the notes and get rid of the gifts as some sort of closure thing?

Anyways, I won't message her.