Am I wrong to dislike my boyfriends female lodger?

[ablepickle1234]

So I'll explain the whole story so you get a clear picture around my situation...

Im a 30 yr old female, I've been with my boyfriend (35yrsold) for over 2 years now, he has his own place, and I have mine. We have talked about moving in together in the very near future, but just not yet.

A few months back my boyfriend told me he was considering getting a lodger to rent his spare room out too, to bring in extra cash and help pay his bills etc. Although I wasn't exactly happy about his idea, (as I do spend alot of my time at his), I knew it was something he wanted to do and I couldn't sway his decision.

A few weeks after our initial conversation on the renting his spare room out... he tells me he has interviewed a female lodger and she is interested in renting his room. She is 32, (very similar in age to me). I am very shocked at his decision to pick a female (I assumed it was going to be a male lodger living with him), and she is also almost identical in age and profession to me. I tell him I am not particularly happy about it being a female lodger. He then says he will look to see if anyone else is interested in the room, and if not he will rent it to her.

Fast forward another 3/4 weeks and he is being very shady about me coming round to his house, he is always offering to come round to mine instead and if I ask to come over to his he is making up excuses. I suspected something was a little off, and asked him when the new lodger was moving in. He then says she moved in a week ago!!!!! He had not mentioned to me at all that she was moving in. I completely lost it, got very upset and sad and felt like I had been lied to and deceived on about this situation.

Now she is living there, the atmosphere in the house for me is very uncomfortable. I feel unsettled and just odd being there when I know she's in the house.. (in the bedroom next door to us). There's only 1 bathroom in the house so she obviously uses that too. She's always in and hardly ever goes out, other than to work her 8am to 4pm job. All she does is either sit in her bedroom and uses the kitchen for short periods to cook. My boyfriend now makes a conscious effort to be quiet in the evenings (which he never did before), and even whispers when we get into bed so he's more quiet and doesn't disturb her. I find her extremely odd, almost awkward around me...

Although I honestly don't think he would cheat on me with her, I just find the whole idea and situation of him living with a female lodger very uncomfortable.

Am I over reacting about this all? Or do I have rights to how I feel? Advice greatly needed! As I don't know if I'm over thinking it all

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, ablepickle1234 said:

 he is being very shady about me coming round to his house, he is always offering to come round to mine instead and if I ask to come over to his he is making up excuses.He then says she moved in a week ago!!!!! He had not mentioned to me at all that she was moving in.

Please reconsider the relationship. Not because he installed a female roommate but because he lied about it. 

Please stop letting him camp out at your place. That's you're first recourse. 

[Alpacalia]

He said that if anyone else is not interested in the room, he would rent it out to the woman, now that makes it right he tried to see if there was anyone else interested but since there wasn't, she moved in. He did tell you that she was interested in the room, my main question is, why are you feeling uncomfortable? Does she act or behave in any suggestive manner around your boyfriend? Do you fear that she wants him? Do you feel like she likes him or anything? Why does she make you uncomfortable?

Realistically, it's his house, and if he wants to rent out a room he has every right to do so. Why do you feel disrespected that he rented out the room to a female? His only obligation is to let you know that the new lodger moved in, and by the sounds of it he did that.

I can understand you feeling a little awkward about it, but it's his house and his decision, Jack Tripper lived with two women in Three's Company without any issues.

If you trust him, this really shouldn't be an issue - and if you don't trust him, in almost any case...it would be impossible for any woman to do anything with your BF that he didn't allow - so is your issue with your BF or the other woman.

[stillafool]

You did say she spends most of her time in her room and just a small amount in the kitchen to get her food.  It seems like she's trying to stay out of his way.  Why do you find her odd and strange?  She doesn't know you.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ablepickle1234 said:

Im a 30 yr old female, I've been with my boyfriend (35yrsold) for over 2 years now, he has his own place, and I have mine. We have talked about moving in together in the very near future, but just not yet.

It seems very awkward like three's a crowd. The biggest issue is him lying to you about it. 

[MsJayne]

It's a big thing having someone move in, so it's not like he 'forgot' to tell you, he deliberately omitted to mention it. So you need to ask him why he didn't tell you that he'd progressed from interviewing people to actually moving someone in. Who's the one holding back on moving in together, you or him? If it's you, there's the likely reason he's moved another woman in, a bit of passive-aggressive push-back because he's annoyed that you're not ready to take your relationship to the next level, and he's sticking it up you by sharing with someone who he knows you'll perceive as a competitor even if there's no actual threat at all. If it's him who thinks two years is too soon to move in together you might want to rethink where the relationship's headed. On the point of you feeling uncomfortable with him sharing with another woman and finding her presence disruptive to your normal relationship routine, there's not much you can do about that other than just stop going over to his place, and put a stop to him hanging at yours all the time. She probably feels just as uncomfortable as you when you go over there, she probably hangs out in her room because she feels like she's intruding, and you have to remember that she'd have no idea that she's being used to punish you, (if that's what he's up to). It all smells of manipulation tactics to me and if so he needs to be called out, but it also could be exactly what he told you, that he needs someone to share expenses, in which case he was upfront and owes no explanation at all.  

[ShyViolet]

So do you trust him or not?  Do you literally think he would cheat on you?  That is the question.

I do think you're being a little overdramatic about this.  It's a roommate.  It sounds like she is just going about her business and keeping to herself.

[Acacia98]

The problem is not his female lodger. The way I see it, her appearance has helped to reveal a serious weakness in your relationship. Perhaps that weakness signals the end of your relationship. Perhaps it is fixable. Only you can decide. 

From where I'm sitting, there are at least two things you need to figure out:

1. Your dynamic: Why can't two people who have been together for two years and are presumably happy and almost ready to move in together have a straightforward set of interactions concerning a new roommate for the man?

2. His behavior in particular: Why did he tell you lies and make omissions where the new roommate was concerned?

[basil67]

I don’t understand why there’s a problem with him having a female flatmate. I’ve had male flatmates who I’ve had no sexual connection with, and my husband had two female flatmates when I met him (one of which introduced us) and the other was a really nice girl.  
It was a bit s*** humour b/f not telling you about her moving in, but he was probably trying to avoid you having another meltdown.  Of course, he didn’t think it through because you’d obviously find out eventually 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, ablepickle1234 said:

Am I wrong to dislike my boyfriends female lodger?

You really don't know her, she's just renting a room. However your BF chose to deceive you about her moving in so he's the one to consider "disliking". 

It doesn't seem like you are on the same page if he rearranged his living situation without even telling you or even considered the impact on privacy, no less moving forward. The renter is not the problem, your BF is. 

Basically the issue has nothing to do with taking in a male or female renter. The issue is why he decided to just go ahead and have someone move in without even mentioning it. 

Please don't stay at his house if he's decided to crowd you out. And please don't let him camp at your place while he makes extra money renting rooms out. 

Edited January 13 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

20 hours ago, ablepickle1234 said:

A few months back my boyfriend told me he was considering getting a lodger to rent his spare room out too, to bring in extra cash and help pay his bills etc. Although I wasn't exactly happy about his idea, (as I do spend alot of my time at his), I knew it was something he wanted to do and I couldn't sway his decision.

A few weeks after our initial conversation on the renting his spare room out... he tells me he has interviewed a female lodger and she is interested in renting his room. She is 32, (very similar in age to me). I am very shocked at his decision to pick a female (I assumed it was going to be a male lodger living with him), and she is also almost identical in age and profession to me. I tell him I am not particularly happy about it being a female lodger

I understand that it was not right to withhold information about her moving in when you explicitly asked him, but you unintentionally created the conditions for it by giving him reason to be guarded about it. 

First you say that it was his decision, and you "couldn't sway his decision'' then you turn around and say that you are not happy about him renting out to a woman 32, similar age and profession to you. I don't think you accurately presented how it felt for you - so his decision to discuss the matter with you was not to you or anyone else what it might normally be.

He knew you would be wary, not supportive and expecting him to make a decision that would please you.

Your boyfriend has the right make decisions about his own living arrangements, even if you don't necessarily agree with them. It sounds like he was upfront with you about his plans to get a lodger, but then you expressed discontent about the idea of having a female lodger specifically. This may have made him feel like he couldn't be open and honest with you about his final decision.

He said he would wait to see if a male popped up because you said you don't want a female. Had you not said anything, perhaps he wouldn't have been so reserved about it and finally made the decision for himself. Still, regardless if the majority of men in the world struggle making decisions or are very nonchalant about things and then leave a woman up for a let down or disappointment, he withheld the information about her moving in and that was not fair of him.

What I would suggest you do is talk to him about how and what this entire situation has made you feel like because it very well could be that he never meant to hurt you, mislead you or shut you out of important decisions such as him having a roommate but at the same time talk to him and let him know that you hate the idea of a female roommate and if you ever do move in there, ask her to be vacant in his lease ending date.

Edited January 13 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

23 hours ago, ablepickle1234 said:

A few months back my boyfriend told me he was considering getting a lodger to rent his spare room out too,

Does that mean you are also renting your second room? And that's why you spent all your time together at his?

So now you are double frustrated because you have nowhere where you are completely alone together. Could that be the real issue?

You said you will move in together in a *near* future so calm down, it will be over soon. 

I'd like to add he did keep you in the loop about getting a room mate. He did specify he would rent the room to that woman if nothing else came up. He may have been a little wishy washy about you visiting but when you asked him when she had moved in he answered. He did not tell you right away when she moved in because he knew you'd have a fit. A lot of men are like that.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/12/2024 at 2:43 PM, ablepickle1234 said:

. I tell him I am not particularly happy about it being a female lodger. He then says he will look to see if anyone else is interested in the room, and if not he will rent it to her.

Please trust your instincts. You mentioned it made you uncomfortable and he just blew that off and decided to lie about hoping you would just let that go. Please reconsider the relationship.

There's no excuse for being shady, ignoring your feelings etc.. Obviously this stalls out the relationship because there's no possibility of moving forward.

You certainly can not demand she leave. She's an innocent victim of your BFs poor judgement. 

After 2 years, he's significantly changing the goal posts. That's a red flag. How did he survive financially for the past 2 years without a renter?  Consider this a deal breaker. It has nothing to do with his right to rent out.It has to do with unilaterally disrupting the relationship. 

 

Edited January 13 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

There is a breakdown in communication between you two, and that is not a good sign.  However... you cannot tell him who he can have as a lodger or not, so in that regard, he is not going to have much understanding. So can YOU live with the situation as it is, is now the question you need to ask yourself.  Because as far as your rights go?  Unless there is actual unfaithfulness happening, no, you do not have a say in this choice.  So... how to move on?

You calmly go to him and explain how you feel -- not how he is wrong (because he IS wrong, but not for renting out a room... for communicating badly), but how YOU feel. Tell him you feel left out, you feel second tier, you feel dismissed, you feel uncomfortable with both the lodger and how this whole thing came about broke your trust in him and that he was inconsiderate of your feelings. It isn't about her per se, it is about how you feel he didn't seem to take into consideration your feelings BEFORE and during this move, and that is what hurt you. He needs to know the difference between the difference of what he thinks is nothing, and what hurts you as his partner.

That is really the only 'right' you have here, given the situation.

Maybe if you come back and update we can offer more guidance.

Edited January 13 by Alpacalia

[FMW]

If you both require assistance (from renters) to make it, and since you plan to live together at some point, I don't get why after two years together you aren't doing it now.  

It's not good he hid the information from you, but I agree with others that he avoided telling you because he knew you would be unhappy, not for any sneaky reason.  

Instead of demonstrating you are shocked and hurt with his decision (thereby shutting down his willingness to be open with you)  talk with him, allow him to feel comfortable sharing his thoughts about the issue.  You might gain a different understanding and perspective.

 

[Weezy1973]

On 1/12/2024 at 11:43 AM, ablepickle1234 said:

Am I over reacting about this all? Or do I have rights to how I feel? Advice greatly needed!

Yes, you’re overreacting. He wanted a renter to make some extra money for a room he wasn’t using. And it’s his decision to make. You told him from the get go you weren’t happy with what he wanted to do, which wasn’t justified. And then you were upset when the renter was a woman. So of course he’s going to be cautious to let you know she moved in as he doesn’t want another blow up from you. Female renters are often more reliable and conscientious about keeping things clean, and she was likely his best (or only) option. 
 

The problem is that for some reason you think you have a say in this, when it has nothing to do with you at all. He’s just trying his best, and you’re like “but it can’t be the way you want; you have to run your life by me!” Yes, unreasonable. If I were him I’d seriously reconsider the relationship with you and certainly pull back on moving in together.

Edited January 14 by Weezy1973
Spelling

[Els]

On 1/13/2024 at 5:43 AM, ablepickle1234 said:

I've been with my boyfriend (35yrsold) for over 2 years now, he has his own place, and I have mine. We have talked about moving in together in the very near future, but just not yet.

Which one of you decided that you weren't ready to move in together yet after being together for more than 2 years?

If it was you, I don't think you get to have a say in the gender of his boarder. If it was him, then there does seem to be some shady business afoot - why is he "not ready" to live together with you but "ready" to live with a random female boarder?

[IrinaM]

 

On 1/12/2024 at 2:43 PM, ablepickle1234 said:

he tells me he has interviewed a female lodger and she is interested in renting his room. She is 32, (very similar in age to me). I am very shocked at his decision to pick a female (I assumed it was going to be a male lodger living with him), and she is also almost identical in age and profession to me. I tell him I am not particularly happy about it being a female lodger. He then says he will look to see if anyone else is interested in the room, and if not he will rent it to her.

I'm curious how he found this female renter? Craigslist? Zillow? FaceBook? And what means did he "look to see if anyone else is interested"?

Something is realllllyyyy off about this situation.

[basil67]

Very going points above.  Who wasn't ready to move in together?

[ablepickle1234]

8 hours ago, IrinaM said:

 

I'm curious how he found this female renter? Craigslist? Zillow? FaceBook? And what means did he "look to see if anyone else is interested"?

Something is realllllyyyy off about this situation.

On an online renting website. What do you think is off?

[IrinaM]

It just seems weird. First he mentions to you he's thinking about renting a room, and then voila, a few weeks later he's interviewing a young woman who, coincidentally, would be a decent romantic prospect for him (based on age and occupation). What are the odds? Not a man, not a woman in her 50s, not a couple. Fwiw, most single women would be highly reluctant to rent a room from some dude they just met online. Is there any chance this is a woman he knows from work or through friends?

Then, when he "looks around" to see if any men are interested in renting from him, there are literally none. What are the odds of that? He posted a room to rent online and had NO men interested in the ad? Yeah this doesn't add up. Then he moves her in without informing you, and seems to be preventing the two of you interacting. I'm sorry, but imho, there's more to this situation than what he says.

 

[Atwood]

I personally think it's weird he was ready to take in a stranger over you for extra income. You've been together for two years and you're in your thirties, I would expect him to know whether or not he's ready to move in together. It's also a red flag to me that he literally moved a lodger into your house without telling you about it. Even if his intentions with this woman are totally innocent, you've learned something really important about him: if he thinks there's going to be a conflict or an upset with you, he will withhold information to avoid it instead of having a conversation. 

On top of that, after only two years with my partner I would never in my wildest dreams insert a person into the situation that would actively be an obstacle to us having more quality time, more sex, and increasing the seriousness of the relationship. 

Lastly, if I tell my partner that a situation as big as this was going to upset me, I'd expect him to care. 

Please do not doubt yourself. Your concerns are totally normal and valid and it's a bizarre situation to do to someone you've been with for two years. 

[Els]

1 hour ago, ablepickle1234 said:

On an online renting website. What do you think is off?

Is there a reason why you're not willing to answer @basil67 and my question? I'll phrase it differently this time: If he HAD asked you to move in instead of the female lodger, would you have accepted?

[ablepickle1234]

7 minutes ago, Els said:

Is there a reason why you're not willing to answer @basil67 and my question? I'll phrase it differently this time: If he HAD asked you to move in instead of the female lodger, would you have accepted?

Sorry, there's so many replies I'm just reading them all and taking the information on board about what I should do.. yes I would have said yes to him

[Els]

1 minute ago, ablepickle1234 said:

Sorry, there's so many replies I'm just reading them all and taking the information on board about what I should do.. yes I would have said yes to him

So just to clarify, it was HIM that's "not ready" to move in together after 2+ years, not you? You are ready to move in together, and you have communicated this to him?