My ex-girlfriend is very cold with me and I feel depressed, can we ever get along again?

[SearchingTruth2024]

Hello,

I have been feeling pretty bad about this situation recentlly. 

I am a guy in my early 30s and my ex-girlfriend is in her late 20s. In the beginning she was very interested in me but after several months of dating she broke up with me in a civilised and respectful way. She explained that she is looking for a different type of guy (more confident, masculine) but she wants that we remain friends. 

Instead of taking distance for some time we continued to meet often, text, joke, she was flirty and after some time we ended up making out again. I was probably stupid because I thought we could be together again because I already knew better what she needs, what she likes in a guy etc. However, she said that she doesn't want a relationship with me again and that we both should move on.

I was amazed how within a couple of weeks she changed so much. She didn't want to hang out as often as before, she started getting annoyed by things I say or do which did not bother her before, she criticized my personality etc. I told I have feelings for her and she said we should not meet and text.

Since then I haven't contacted her and we only meet sometimes in our friends group. She speaks with me but mostly in a cold way and with distance. I feel super bad after that and I can't enjoy the time with friends. I can't help feeling worthless and I fear she resents me even though I did exactly what she asked me for - not to contact her. I also realize that I am probably weak and maybe that's a reason she behaves like that.

Am I doing something wrong or maybe only time will help healing?

[Gaeta]

Here is what you're going to do.

* you will not contact her anymore

* you will delete her from ALL of your social media, text, phone and block her. That is important so you don't get out of the blue messages from her.

* you will not go to friends gatherings if she is there for as long as you need to get over this. 

* you will find something new and challenging to focus on: A trip, hit the gym, joining a group, etc.

This is a temporary situation. Your brain is used to think about her and it will take some time and efforts from you to train  your brain to think of something else. If it's difficult then get a calendar and put an X on each day passes without her and reward yourself at the end of the week. 

If you feel miserable you can talk about it on here all your little heart desires.

You will be fine ! 

 

Edited January 12, 2024 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, SearchingTruth2024 said:

 after several months of dating she broke up with me in a civilised and respectful way. She explained that she is looking for a different type of guy 

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating? What were the arguments and incompatibilities about? 

Sadly often the breakup line "let's stay friends" is misunderstood and leads to more hurt. In this case it gave you false hope. 

Please set yourself completely free from this limbo. Make a clean break and then delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps so you can move forward in peace 

[Gaeta]

I forgot to add.

During a breakup, the one that wants to remain friend is the one that has less feelings, it's often offered out of guilt.

[SearchingTruth2024]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating? What were the arguments and incompatibilities about? 

Sadly often the breakup line "let's stay friends" is misunderstood and leads to more hurt. In this case it gave you false hope. 

Please set yourself completely free from this limbo. Make a clean break and then delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps so you can move forward in peace 

Thanks for your reply!

While we were together we never had major arguments but looking back at things now I think we had a different idea about how a relationship should be. She wanted a more masculine guy who would lead the relationship whereas I am a more introverted person. I am quiet and enjoy calm activities and she enjoys different types of activities. I was always asking her what she feels like doing in the evening, I wanted to take her wishes into account but this probably made me look weak and boring in her eyes. These are part of the reasons.

[SearchingTruth2024]

12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Here is what you're going to do.

* you will not contact her anymore

* you will delete her from ALL of your social media, text, phone and block her. That is important so you don't get out of the blue messages from her.

* you will not go to friends gatherings if she is there for as long as you need to get over this. 

* you will find something new and challenging to focus on: A trip, hit the gym, joining a group, etc.

This is a temporary situation. Your brain is used to think about her and it will take some time and efforts from you to train  your brain to think of something else. If it's difficult then get a calendar and put an X on each day passes without her and reward yourself at the end of the week. 

If you feel miserable you can talk about it on here all your little heart desires.

You will be fine ! 

 

Thanks for the reply!

I know that after some months things usually get better and one begins to suffer less. Still, it is difficult for me to get over this story because it feels she resents me and I don't understand why. The cold look in her eyes when she sees me is difficult to handle. I thought about leaving the friends group but this would also look weak. Overall, it feels like there is no right way to handle this and maybe only time will help.

Also, i wanted to say again that i haven't contacted her for months, we only meet with the common friends group.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, SearchingTruth2024 said:

While we were together we never had major arguments but looking back at things now I think we had a different idea about how a relationship should be. 

It's doubtful "masculinity" has anything to do with this. It's interesting you seem unaware of the real reasons she broke up

. At any rate there's nothing to salvage here because it seems you're incompatible as far as lifestyles and personalities.

  Please set yourself free and please participate in your next relationship rather than getting too complacent and coasting along. 

[Sony12]

I wouldn't bother with a girl who broke up with you because she said you weren't masculine enough. Why the hell couldn't she have just said what most sane people say and that she just didn't feel like the chemistry was good between you two. 

If she was enjoying the sex she wouldn't have broken up with you. 

[SearchingTruth2024]

10 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

I wouldn't bother with a girl who broke up with you because she said you weren't masculine enough. Why the hell couldn't she have just said what most sane people say and that she just didn't feel like the chemistry was good between you two. 

If she was enjoying the sex she wouldn't have broken up with you. 

There was no sex, even after several months of dating she was not feeling ready, she said it was a big step for her and she needed to be sure that she matches well with the guy. I tried to understand her but I was also asking myself - how can a woman be sure if the guy is a good match if there was never sex?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, SearchingTruth2024 said:

There was no sex, even after several months of dating she was not feeling ready, she said it was a big step for her and she needed to be sure that she matches well with the guy. 

That's interesting. It seems like this was more like the friendzone all along. Is she from a culture/religion where people wait for marriage to have sex? 

[SearchingTruth2024]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's interesting. It seems like this was more like the friendzone all along. Is she from a culture/religion where people wait for marriage to have sex? 

No, not at all. I thought she might have had bad experience with another guy but when I asked she reacted negatively and said I place too much importance on the physical part of the relationship. I don't think I do, I know there are other important aspects of a relationship but I thought - isn't it normal that a man and a woman who are together have this as well?

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, SearchingTruth2024 said:

 I asked she reacted negatively and said I place too much importance on the physical part of the relationship.

This seems like basic incompatibilities and a lack of attraction. Please stop trying to be friends. Set yourself free. 

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, SearchingTruth2024 said:

I am a more introverted person. I am quiet and enjoy calm activities 

And there is nothing wrong with you and it does not mean you're not masculine. Sounds she may have a distorded definition of what is  masculine. She does not hold the truth on what is masculine and not.

You don't need to change who you are at the core, you just have to find a more compatible girlfriend.

Also, not joining the group for a while is not 'weak". Worrying about what people will think of you that's weak. You do what needs to be done to get better.

[smackie9]

She did find you very attractive...that is the reason why she dated you for months...she hoped she could work with what was there and get used to your personality or maybe by some grace of god you would turn into her ideal man....but neither happened. She came to terms with it and made the decision to end it because of the lack of compatibility...to which is crucial for anything to last for the long haul. She has realized that being friends isn't going to work either. She pretty much needed to break her habit of being attracted to you physically...she knew it's not fair to you or healthy for her if she's going to move on. like a lot of people, they would rather you just take the hint and leave them alone to avoid confrontation.

[Sony12]

People who don't want to engage in physical activity should let the partner know when things first start off as most people do consider it to be a normal part of dating. The fact that she didn't was extremely poor on her end and then to throw that back in the individuals face and insult him over the fact he did want sex makes her look even worse.

[ShyViolet]

A lot of people say they want to "stay friends" when breaking up, but they don't really mean it.  It's just something that people say.  

She doesn't want to be friends with you.  Leave her alone, stop expecting to be friends with her, and move on.

[SearchingTruth2024]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

A lot of people say they want to "stay friends" when breaking up, but they don't really mean it.  It's just something that people say.  

She doesn't want to be friends with you.  Leave her alone, stop expecting to be friends with her, and move on.

I don't text her, I have already missed a couple of gatherings so that there is no awkwardness and so that she feels comfortable. However, it was her who told me not to stop joining the gatherings. So, it seems no matter what I do it will be wrong. The only thing that can help is to try to care less and not to torture myself mentally.

[ExpatInItaly]

22 hours ago, SearchingTruth2024 said:

She speaks with me but mostly in a cold way and with distance.

I doubt she is trying to be hurtful, but rather that she is intentionally trying to keep a boundary here. Not so much for herself, but so that you don't get your hopes up for more. 

9 hours ago, SearchingTruth2024 said:

it feels she resents me

But you don't actually know this to be true. I would be surprised if she resents you. She doesn't appear to have any reason to. My guess is that you are projecting here, and misinterpreting that "cold" feeling when really it's just her being an ex and not trying to engage and give you the wrong idea. You're still stinging from the break-up and likely filtering your interactions with her through a more sensitive lens. I am not suggesting she actually wants to be friends but rather that she probably doesn't harbour these negative feelings and resentment that you think she does. 

[an0nym0us123]

Cut her off and live your life, start dating/ talking to other women. Any time spent dwelling on this is time that is wasted, sooner you accept it and move on the better you will feel.

Never stay friends with an ex who dumps you

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, SearchingTruth2024 said:

, it was her who told me not to stop joining the gatherings. So, it seems no matter what I do it will be wrong

She can't tell you what to do.  Please stop trying to be her friend. It's your life and your happiness so moving on, cutting her off is your decision.

Do you really want to stick around until she finds a new BF? Of course not. 

Please focus on moving forward and talking to other people and consider dating again. 

[FredEire]

On 1/12/2024 at 8:00 PM, SearchingTruth2024 said:

Hello,

I have been feeling pretty bad about this situation recentlly. 

I am a guy in my early 30s and my ex-girlfriend is in her late 20s. In the beginning she was very interested in me but after several months of dating she broke up with me in a civilised and respectful way. She explained that she is looking for a different type of guy (more confident, masculine) but she wants that we remain friends. 

Instead of taking distance for some time we continued to meet often, text, joke, she was flirty and after some time we ended up making out again. I was probably stupid because I thought we could be together again because I already knew better what she needs, what she likes in a guy etc. However, she said that she doesn't want a relationship with me again and that we both should move on.

I was amazed how within a couple of weeks she changed so much. She didn't want to hang out as often as before, she started getting annoyed by things I say or do which did not bother her before, she criticized my personality etc. I told I have feelings for her and she said we should not meet and text.

Since then I haven't contacted her and we only meet sometimes in our friends group. She speaks with me but mostly in a cold way and with distance. I feel super bad after that and I can't enjoy the time with friends. I can't help feeling worthless and I fear she resents me even though I did exactly what she asked me for - not to contact her. I also realize that I am probably weak and maybe that's a reason she behaves like that.

Am I doing something wrong or maybe only time will help healing?

I'm sorry to hear it man. I don't think you should waste any more time thinking about this girl. It might not be possible at the moment with the heartbreak you're feeling but she doesn't deserve it.

How she broke up with you doesn't seem very respectful to me. Maybe she was just being honest but I think if a woman got told she wasn't sexy or feminine enough she'd (rightly) feel her partner had been very cruel. She could have just said you weren't the right fit for her and left it at that.

I'd say get down to the gym, sign up for a martial art such as kickboxing or jiu-jitsu, ideally both. It's very empowering as a man and will add a lot to your life and make you stronger and more grounded. It might feel a bit embarrassing at first if you're sparring with bigger and stronger guys but I'd recommend it to anyone.

The key thing is though do it for you, not for her. Let this girl move on and leave her in the past. Put yourself first so you can find someone better for you and become a better man.

[FredEire]

On 1/13/2024 at 12:53 PM, SearchingTruth2024 said:

There was no sex, even after several months of dating she was not feeling ready, she said it was a big step for her and she needed to be sure that she matches well with the guy. I tried to understand her but I was also asking myself - how can a woman be sure if the guy is a good match if there was never sex?

Oof, ok I hadn't read this post.

Sorry to say it but in my opinion it's entirely possible she was sleeping with someone else. Either way it seems your relationship was for the attention on her end and I imagine what happened was she either got bored of this or wanted to get more serious with someone else she was already sleeping with.

You ask a very sensible question of whether you can know you're compatible before you have any kind of sex life. Some very religious couples do it but in general I'd say it's a very important factor and I certainly wouldn't be entering a serious relationship with someone I'd never been physical with unless as stated it was due to my religion.

I think she was taking advantage of you and isn't worth losing any sleep over. You may need to work on developing your assertiveness and boundaries with yourself and others, but as I said for yourself, certainly not for her.

Edited January 14, 2024 by FredEire

[Alpacalia]

Maybe your ex is picking up on the fact that you still have feelings for her. This might make her uncomfortable and that's why she's behaving coldly towards you. I don't think it's that she resents you or anything like that. It's just that she wants to move on and doesn't want to give you the wrong idea or lead you on. Please don't let her coldness make you feel worthless or like you did something wrong. You did what she asked and that's all you can do in this situation.

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, FredEire said:

 think she was taking advantage of you and isn't worth losing any sleep over. You may need to work on developing your assertiveness and boundaries with yourself and others, but as I said for yourself, certainly not for her.

OP, you're not lacking in masculinity. You are undeniably a man. You may be introverted, but that's perfectly within the range of what is normal. There's no rule book anywhere that says that men have to be macho and extroverted. In fact, you will find that plenty of women are attracted to men who are sensible, thoughtful, considerate, and on the quieter side. The fact that she is not one of these women means that she is not the right person for you.

Now, the way you are reacting to the breakup tells me that, like any other human being, you have a couple of weaknesses and it wouldn't hurt for you to work on them. Number one is your self-esteem. You seem to have low self-esteem. And, as a consequence, you take every criticism this woman has directed at you to heart and assume she's absolutely right. Funny thing is she is obviously wrong in a lot of what she says. And it sounds like she wasn't a good girlfriend to you. If you raise your self-esteem, then in future, if someone treats you the way she treated you, you will have the awareness to recognize that this is not the right relationship for you and to end it. FredEire refers to the need for you to improve your assertiveness and boundaries. That's absolutely correct. Those are both tied to improving your self-esteem as people with high self-esteem are more assertive and have stronger boundaries.

It's okay that she's cold towards you right now. That is a transition people usually make when a relationship ends. It makes it easier for them to move on, and hard as it may be to believe, it makes it easier for you to move on too. It's far kinder for her to be cold towards you than it would be for her to be friendly as being friendly might give you hope that the relationship should be salvaged. For your sake, lemme just say that this is one relationship that should NOT be salvaged. You deserve better.

On 1/13/2024 at 8:56 PM, SearchingTruth2024 said:

I don't text her, I have already missed a couple of gatherings so that there is no awkwardness and so that she feels comfortable. However, it was her who told me not to stop joining the gatherings. So, it seems no matter what I do it will be wrong. The only thing that can help is to try to care less and not to torture myself mentally.

OP, this woman is not God. And she certainly isn't right about everything. You need to stop giving her authority over the choices you make. Objectively speaking, you were right to recognize that attending those gatherings would be awkward. And it would be sensible for you to stop attending them as long as you continue to feel hurt over the heartbreak. You should do that for yourself, not for her. To echo Wiseman and Gaeta, you should also block her number and block her on social media so that you don't keep bumping into her online and so that she can't pop out of the woodwork whenever it suits her. It is much easier to get over a heartbreak when we give ourselves a rest from seeing and interacting with the other person. If for some reason, she gets upset over your blocking her and finds some way to communicate to you that it's an "immature" thing to do, that's nothing for you to worry about. Just ignore her. She's being selfish and thinking about herself, she's not thinking about what's best for you. You're blocking her to make the healing process easier for yourself. So remain confident that it is right for you and that is what matters. You are no longer in a relationship with this woman, so you are under no obligation whatsoever to keep the channels of communication with her open.

Edited January 15, 2024 by Acacia98

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

OP, you're not lacking in masculinity. You are undeniably a man. You may be introverted, but that's perfectly within the range of what is normal. There's no rule book anywhere that says that men have to be macho and extroverted. In fact, you will find that plenty of women are attracted to men who are sensible, thoughtful, considerate, and on the quieter side. The fact that she is not one of these women means that she is not the right person for you.

Now, the way you are reacting to the breakup tells me that, like any other human being, you have a couple of weaknesses and it wouldn't hurt for you to work on them. Number one is your self-esteem. You seem to have low self-esteem. And, as a consequence, you take every criticism this woman has directed at you to heart and assume she's absolutely right. Funny thing is she is obviously wrong in a lot of what she says. And it sounds like she wasn't a good girlfriend to you. If you raise your self-esteem, then in future, if someone treats you the way she treated you, you will have the awareness to recognize that this is not the right relationship for you and to end it. FredEire refers to the need for you to improve your assertiveness and boundaries. That's absolutely correct. Those are both tied to improving your self-esteem as people with high self-esteem are more assertive and have stronger boundaries.

It's okay that she's cold towards you right now. That is a transition people usually make when a relationship ends. It makes it easier for them to move on, and hard as it may be to believe, it makes it easier for you to move on too. It's far kinder for her to be cold towards you than it would be for her to be friendly as being friendly might give you hope that the relationship should be salvaged. For your sake, lemme just say that this is one relationship that should NOT be salvaged. You deserve better.

OP, this woman is not God. And she certainly isn't right about everything. You need to stop giving her authority over the choices you make. Objectively speaking, you were right to recognize that attending those gatherings would be awkward. And it would be sensible for you to stop attending them as long as you continue to feel hurt over the heartbreak. You should do that for yourself, not for her. To echo Wiseman and Gaeta, you should also block her number and block her on social media so that you don't keep bumping into her online and so that she can't pop out of the woodwork whenever it suits her. It is much easier to get over a heartbreak when we give ourselves a rest from seeing and interacting with the other person. If for some reason, she gets upset over your blocking her and finds some way to communicate to you that it's an "immature" thing to do, that's nothing for you to worry about. Just ignore her. She's being selfish and thinking about herself, she's not thinking about what's best for you. You're blocking her to make the healing process easier for yourself. So remain confident that it is right for you and that is what matters. You are no longer in a relationship with this woman, so you are under no obligation whatsoever to keep the channels of communication with her open.

That's a great post. You want to start focusing on what decisions make you feel right and stop doing things just to serve others especially ones who have expressed they don't want to be in your life any more.

God knows it can be hard when you still feel that infatuation or longing for someone but you are putting her on a way way higher pedestal than she needs to be because you don't respect yourself.

If you just make a decision of I'm going to do what suits me, because I deserve my love and care a lot more than she does, it will start addressing the issue.