My ex-girlfriend is very cold with me and I feel depressed, can we ever get along again?

[spiderowl]

On 1/13/2024 at 9:04 AM, SearchingTruth2024 said:

Thanks for your reply!

While we were together we never had major arguments but looking back at things now I think we had a different idea about how a relationship should be. She wanted a more masculine guy who would lead the relationship whereas I am a more introverted person. I am quiet and enjoy calm activities and she enjoys different types of activities. I was always asking her what she feels like doing in the evening, I wanted to take her wishes into account but this probably made me look weak and boring in her eyes. These are part of the reasons.

Hi SearchingTruth,

I'm probably late to your post and you will have got some useful replies on here already. Just wanted to say that you should not take it badly that she wants a different type of guy.  You are the type of guy that many women would want.  Incompatibility is common and younger people tend to be more able to ignore that until it comes bouncing back at them.  It is a good thing that you do not end up with someone who is incompatible with you.  What you have done is all kind and considerate.  Believe me, not all women want an 'alpha guy' who is going to dominate them and not take their feelings into consideration.  As an intelligent, sensitive woman myself, I cringe at alpha guys.  For a start off, they are very good at being patronising (which intelligent women will not tolerate) and think what they want should come first.  I would find such a guy hell to be with.  There are many more women like me.  That is not to say that sometimes it is important to take control of a situation and make decisions when others are tired or just want to leave the work to others for a change.  You can practice doing that but I am sure you would do that naturally anyway if your partner asked you to.  I am much older than you and one thing I have learned is that there truly is someone for everyone and the world is made up of lots of different kinds of people, so don't fall for that 'women only want alpha types' rubbish. 

 

[spiderowl]

On 1/13/2024 at 12:40 PM, Sony12 said:

I wouldn't bother with a girl who broke up with you because she said you weren't masculine enough. Why the hell couldn't she have just said what most sane people say and that she just didn't feel like the chemistry was good between you two. 

If she was enjoying the sex she wouldn't have broken up with you. 

That's not necessarily true.  It is possible to enjoy the sex but find other aspects of a relationship just do not work for you.  Just saying!

[FredEire]

29 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

Hi SearchingTruth,

I'm probably late to your post and you will have got some useful replies on here already. Just wanted to say that you should not take it badly that she wants a different type of guy.  You are the type of guy that many women would want.  Incompatibility is common and younger people tend to be more able to ignore that until it comes bouncing back at them.  It is a good thing that you do not end up with someone who is incompatible with you.  What you have done is all kind and considerate.  Believe me, not all women want an 'alpha guy' who is going to dominate them and not take their feelings into consideration.  As an intelligent, sensitive woman myself, I cringe at alpha guys.  For a start off, they are very good at being patronising (which intelligent women will not tolerate) and think what they want should come first.  I would find such a guy hell to be with.  There are many more women like me.  That is not to say that sometimes it is important to take control of a situation and make decisions when others are tired or just want to leave the work to others for a change.  You can practice doing that but I am sure you would do that naturally anyway if your partner asked you to.  I am much older than you and one thing I have learned is that there truly is someone for everyone and the world is made up of lots of different kinds of people, so don't fall for that 'women only want alpha types' rubbish. 

 

I think there's a lot of misconceptions about this especially with young guys. The "nice guys finish last" thing has always driven me crazy because in terms of casual dating stuff I've always done pretty well for myself and have a number of friends who are nice, considerate sensitive types who've also never really struggled in this department (not talking about building a LTR as I think it's a very different skill).

What I do think matters is having a strong sense of self, a full life and a sense of purpose and drive to achieve your goals. People are just naturally attracted to this whether male or female and the reason I think some inconsiderate a**h*** type men do very well is they may give off this impression as they aren't afraid to do what they want when they want and this can be mistaken for strength of character.

Self-pity, learned helplessness and lack of direction are never attractive. Unfortunately you see a lot of attractive women who have all of these qualities still getting a lot of attention because men tend to put looks on a pedestal above all else, but usually their relationship history is a disaster. This doesn't tend to be the same case for men.

So I definitely agree that being sensitive and considerate are good qualities you shouldn't be looking to change, but a sense of direction, some backbone and a strong character are all things you should be looking to develop. Of course it takes time and patience and we all have our struggles here and there but if you put yourself first and get going it will come.

Edited January 16, 2024 by FredEire

[mark clemson]

On 1/12/2024 at 12:00 PM, SearchingTruth2024 said:

Am I doing something wrong or maybe only time will help healing?

 

Not wrong exactly, but in this case the hanging around while you clearly still have feelings is ultimately only hurting you. She is "cold" with you because she is detaching from you emotionally. That is a normal step for someone (particularly many women, but really anyone) to take in preparation for starting a new relationship. You, on the other hand, appear to be well on your way to becoming an "orbiter".

In line with what many above are saying, you need to stop trying to fish here and cut bait instead. The lake has frozen over.

Recognize that and take appropriate action to start moving on. In some situations a "clean break" is actually what's best...

[Alpacalia]

I love nice guys, they make me feel better and happy. If you are just yourself and that includes a fun, flirty and respectful man, women will still go for that. It doesn't mean you can be nice to everyone, be disrespected and wait patiently for the next person since that next person may never come. Also, don't confuse being nice with being a doormat. Women don't want a man who will just bend to their every whim, they want someone who is strong and can stand up for themselves. Being nice does not automatically make you weak.

[SearchingTruth2024]

On 1/13/2024 at 7:32 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

I doubt she is trying to be hurtful, but rather that she is intentionally trying to keep a boundary here. Not so much for herself, but so that you don't get your hopes up for more. 

But you don't actually know this to be true. I would be surprised if she resents you. She doesn't appear to have any reason to. My guess is that you are projecting here, and misinterpreting that "cold" feeling when really it's just her being an ex and not trying to engage and give you the wrong idea. You're still stinging from the break-up and likely filtering your interactions with her through a more sensitive lens. I am not suggesting she actually wants to be friends but rather that she probably doesn't harbour these negative feelings and resentment that you think she does. 

I would like to thank everyone for the excellent posts which really helped me! I can't quote each and every post but for example this one gave me a very interesting perspective.

The big problem is that in my head I make the correlation 'distance, cold behaviour - resentment' and this brings me down. And even if I know this is probably not true, I can't help having thoughts that I 'deserve' to be treated like that.

As others have pointed out I do have a low self-esteem and this makes the whole thing even worse. I need to change something in the way I see myself in order to feel better as a whole.

[FredEire]

5 minutes ago, SearchingTruth2024 said:

I would like to thank everyone for the excellent posts which really helped me! I can't quote each and every post but for example this one gave me a very interesting perspective.

The big problem is that in my head I make the correlation 'distance, cold behaviour - resentment' and this brings me down. And even if I know this is probably not true, I can't help having thoughts that I 'deserve' to be treated like that.

As others have pointed out I do have a low self-esteem and this makes the whole thing even worse. I need to change something in the way I see myself in order to feel better as a whole.

That's good! I think you've had some good insights.

The issue is that if that's your view of yourself/life you're going to keep attracting things that will confirm your views  So that's what you need to work on changing.

[Guy_full_of_questions]

Hi, 

I am a guy in my early 30s and my ex-girlfriend is in her late 20s. After several months of relationship she broke up with me but we had a good conversation and promised to each other to be friends after that. However, it didn't work out exactly like that...

I guess we should have limited contact in order to heal but instead we would talk and meet very often and soon we again became involved romantically and actually she initiated it. But then she told me it's time to finally move on and look for a new partner. She started becoming distant and cold. I should have accepted it but I realized it hurt me a lot and I told her that she is still on my mind, that we could give ourselves another chance if she wants. This made her more distant and even mean. Then I told her I don't want to be annoying and that I will leave her alone. I stopped contacting her but since we have mutual friends and work close to each other it's impossible that we never run into each other. 

I ended up distancing myself from the whole group which people noticed and started making remarks. Not all of them knew about our relationship but I am sure gossip has spread. I thought that by showing her that I respect her decision, by giving her space after some time things would normalize and we could be friends but then in the rare cases we ran into each other she would sometimes even pretend not to see me which hurt a lot. Her close friends also look at me in a cold way and every day I ask myself the question: 'what did I do so wrong'? Maybe she is with a new guy but is this a reason to pretend I don't exist at all?

We haven't spoken for months. I have two options and it seems no matter what I do it will be wrong. Either I reach out to her hoping that we could try to be friends again but this may come across as pushy or I continue avoiding her and the others and look like a weirdo. She sometimes suggests activities in the group chat and I am not sure - am I invited as well or maybe she hopes I don't go. And what's the point of going if it will feel awkward and she doesn't talk to me. At some point this feels like a never-ending humiliation.

Is there a way out and am did I make any big mistakes or it's just life?

[FredEire]

33 minutes ago, Guy_full_of_questions said:

Hi, 

I am a guy in my early 30s and my ex-girlfriend is in her late 20s. After several months of relationship she broke up with me but we had a good conversation and promised to each other to be friends after that. However, it didn't work out exactly like that...

I guess we should have limited contact in order to heal but instead we would talk and meet very often and soon we again became involved romantically and actually she initiated it. But then she told me it's time to finally move on and look for a new partner. She started becoming distant and cold. I should have accepted it but I realized it hurt me a lot and I told her that she is still on my mind, that we could give ourselves another chance if she wants. This made her more distant and even mean. Then I told her I don't want to be annoying and that I will leave her alone. I stopped contacting her but since we have mutual friends and work close to each other it's impossible that we never run into each other. 

I ended up distancing myself from the whole group which people noticed and started making remarks. Not all of them knew about our relationship but I am sure gossip has spread. I thought that by showing her that I respect her decision, by giving her space after some time things would normalize and we could be friends but then in the rare cases we ran into each other she would sometimes even pretend not to see me which hurt a lot. Her close friends also look at me in a cold way and every day I ask myself the question: 'what did I do so wrong'? Maybe she is with a new guy but is this a reason to pretend I don't exist at all?

We haven't spoken for months. I have two options and it seems no matter what I do it will be wrong. Either I reach out to her hoping that we could try to be friends again but this may come across as pushy or I continue avoiding her and the others and look like a weirdo. She sometimes suggests activities in the group chat and I am not sure - am I invited as well or maybe she hopes I don't go. And what's the point of going if it will feel awkward and she doesn't talk to me. At some point this feels like a never-ending humiliation.

Is there a way out and am did I make any big mistakes or it's just life?

I think you made a mistake coming back and telling her she was still on your mind but it's a fairly normal thing after a breakup. As is pretending you're both going to be great friends by then going silent once reality sets in.

If you didn't treat her badly I think pretending you don't exist is pretty childish and cruel, but maybe it's her own way of dealing with unresolved feelings or guilt over breaking things off.

I think the best thing is to forget about her, keep your distance and form new friend groups, keeping any individual ties from the old friend group that doesn't involve going to events organised by her.

Edited May 18, 2024 by FredEire

[Guy_full_of_questions]

13 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I think you made a mistake coming back and telling her she was still on your mind but it's a fairly normal thing after a breakup. As is pretending you're both going to be great friends by then going silent once reality sets in.

If you didn't treat her badly I think pretending you don't exist is pretty childish and cruel, but maybe it's her own way of dealing with unresolved feelings or guilt over breaking things off.

I think the best thing is to forget about her, keep your distance and form new friend groups, keeping any individual ties from the old friend group that doesn't involve going to events organised by her.

Thanks. Yes, probably it was a mistake as it was an act based on emotion and not reason. 

The ironic thing is that even after the break-up she said I treated her well during the relationship. My interpretation is that I am somebody from the past and she would prefer to turn the page and not see me at all but because that's not possible (common circle of friends etc.), this creates some resentment which, sadly, she directs at me.

[FredEire]

4 minutes ago, Guy_full_of_questions said:

Thanks. Yes, probably it was a mistake as it was an act based on emotion and not reason. 

The ironic thing is that even after the break-up she said I treated her well during the relationship. My interpretation is that I am somebody from the past and she would prefer to turn the page and not see me at all but because that's not possible (common circle of friends etc.), this creates some resentment which, sadly, she directs at me.

Yes, I think your interpretation is probably right.

Something similar happened to me with my last girlfriend. We broke up just before Covid, agreed to stay friends but quickly lost contact and she deleted me on social media.

We ended up living close together and during the lockdown I'd see her now again on deserted streets carrying shopping etc. I would always wave hello and she'd just look to the other side of the street like I wasn't there.

Pretty childish and hurtful stuff but sometimes it's the only way people know how to deal with it at the time. After a few years and the dust settling I don't hold any hard feelings. I suspect with time it will be the same for you but you should try not to aggravate it by staying in the same social circles and continuing to see her.

[Guy_full_of_questions]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yes, I think your interpretation is probably right.

Something similar happened to me with my last girlfriend. We broke up just before Covid, agreed to stay friends but quickly lost contact and she deleted me on social media.

We ended up living close together and during the lockdown I'd see her now again on deserted streets carrying shopping etc. I would always wave hello and she'd just look to the other side of the street like I wasn't there.

Pretty childish and hurtful stuff but sometimes it's the only way people know how to deal with it at the time. After a few years and the dust settling I don't hold any hard feelings. I suspect with time it will be the same for you but you should try not to aggravate it by staying in the same social circles and continuing to see her.

I imagine well how painful that must have been but it's great that with time you got over it and you don't feel bad about it anymore.

[FredEire]

27 minutes ago, Guy_full_of_questions said:

I imagine well how painful that must have been but it's great that with time you got over it and you don't feel bad about it anymore.

I fall for someone pretty rarely but unfortunately when I do and it doesn't work out the fallout is hard and takes a long long time to get over.

But you do always sooner or later, time heals all wounds is really true.

Edited May 18, 2024 by FredEire

[ExpatInItaly]

Why do you assume she resents you?

You seem to be projecting a lot. I know you are hurt but it's unlikely she or her friends give that much thought to you months after the break-up. My guess is that she keeps her distance because she knows you are still hopeful and she doesn't want to lead you on.

1 hour ago, Guy_full_of_questions said:

Either I reach out to her hoping that we could try to be friends again but this may come across as pushy

Definitely don't do this. It is already quite clear she doesn't wish to be friends, which is normal after a break-up. And would you really want to be friends if you find out she has a new boyfriend? I doubt that. 

Rather than wondering why she is distant, ask yourself why you're having so much trouble letting go - and why you seem to insist on supporting the narrative you created that you did something wrong. A lot of relationships don't work out but you appear to be set on beating yourself up over this. Do you think she was your only chance at love or something? 

Edited May 18, 2024 by ExpatInItaly

[Gaeta]

If she were nice and friendly with you, you would probably read something into it, she knows it. She is giving you a gift, the gift of distance, it's the best way to heal, accept it.

For the next year don't attend gatherings if she's there. Continue seeing your friends without her. It's a good opportunity to spend time with your friends one on one. Do not see her for as long as it takes for you to be indifferent to her.

[Guy_full_of_questions]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why do you assume she resents you?

You seem to be projecting a lot. I know you are hurt but it's unlikely she or her friends give that much thought to you months after the break-up. My guess is that she keeps her distance because she knows you are still hopeful and she doesn't want to lead you on.

Definitely don't do this. It is already quite clear she doesn't wish to be friends, which is normal after a break-up. And would you really want to be friends if you find out she has a new boyfriend? I doubt that. 

Rather than wondering why she is distant, ask yourself why you're having so much trouble letting go - and why you seem to insist on supporting the narrative you created that you did something wrong. A lot of relationships don't work out but you appear to be set on beating yourself up over this. Do you think she was your only chance at love or something? 

Thank you, very good comment.

Probably I am projecting because I still care. I fear she might resent me because of the look in her eyes when she sees me. This made me avoid her as much as possible because somehow I wanted to 'protect' myself from her ignoring me, giving me a bad look etc.

If she has a boyfriend, being friends would be difficult and I understand for the new guy it might not be comfortable. But meeting in a friend circle and exchanging two sentences once every two months should not be such a problem. I don't understand this concept that exes should be enemies, hate each other, ignore each other etc. I would understand it if there was abuse or cheating but this was not our case.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Guy_full_of_questions said:

 I don't understand this concept that exes should be enemies, hate each other, ignore each other etc. I would understand it if there was

You are not there yet. You make her uncomfortable because she can feel you're still hangning on. Respect her wish for distance. Your desire to remain friend is selfish, it's about you and what you want. She doesn't want your friendship and l'm sure she doesn't care what's your thought on it. Let it go. Concentrate on finding happiness elsewhere. When you fall in love with someone else your ex will be more relaxed around you.

[Gebidozo]

Definitely do not reach out to her.

It’s over between you two, and for whatever reason she’s chosen a full no-contact approach. That’s the way she’s dealing with that and there is nothing you can do about it. 

Don’t torture yourself with the “whys” and the “hows”. Move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Guy_full_of_questions said:

I don't understand this concept that exes should be enemies, hate each other, ignore each other etc.

Again, you are being hyperbolic and making assumptions. Your fear is leading you think she hates you and sees you as an enemy, which is almost certainly not the case. 

She might avoid interacting with you because she knows you are not over her and have had difficulty letting go. I would imagine she realizes that any positive interaction with you might be misinterpreted (by you) as a sign that you could maybe rekindle. 

And you know what? She would be right. You wouldn't still be contemplating trying to contact her to be "friends" again after months of silence otherwise. 

[Guy_full_of_questions]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Again, you are being hyperbolic and making assumptions. Your fear is leading you think she hates you and sees you as an enemy, which is almost certainly not the case. 

She might avoid interacting with you because she knows you are not over her and have had difficulty letting go. I would imagine she realizes that any positive interaction with you might be misinterpreted (by you) as a sign that you could maybe rekindle. 

And you know what? She would be right. You wouldn't still be contemplating trying to contact her to be "friends" again after months of silence otherwise. 

Maybe I exaggerate because I am hurt. I don't have any hopes of getting back together (before I had), I would just be happy if we could exchange a sentence without awakwardness. And sometimes I see photos of the group who are going for a drink together etc. and I feel bad that I can't join. I think I have respected her wishes because I haven't contacted her for months. I can't just disappear completely or move to another city. My sister tells me that I make a mistake by not joining the group activities because in this way I am hiding from the problem instead of confronting it but I don't want more awkwardness, bad looks and I don't want to feel like a piece of garbage after that.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Guy_full_of_questions said:

Maybe I exaggerate because I am hurt. I don't have any hopes of getting back together (before I had), I would just be happy if we could exchange a sentence without awakwardness. And sometimes I see photos of the group who are going for a drink together etc. and I feel bad that I can't join. I think I have respected her wishes because I haven't contacted her for months. I can't just disappear completely or move to another city. My sister tells me that I make a mistake by not joining the group activities because in this way I am hiding from the problem instead of confronting it but I don't want more awkwardness, bad looks and I don't want to feel like a piece of garbage after that.

What kind of bad looks? I thought your ex was just ignoring you.

Is she doing something to you, interfering in your relationship with your friends?

If she isn’t, if all she’s doing is ignore you, then I think your sister is right, you should just join your group as you usually do.

Awkwardness is in your mind. She isn’t the one who’s making you feel like a piece of garbage, you’re making yourself feel like that.

[smackie9]

IMO you are in this pickle because you keep things secret, feelings in, and sit there being a sorry shlep. Release yourself of this. Tell everyone, get supported, and ignore her. Open honest communication, builds strong relationships/friendships.

Edited May 19, 2024 by smackie9

[Guy_full_of_questions]

13 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

IMO you are in this pickle because you keep things secret, feelings in, and sit there being a sorry shlep. Release yourself of this. Tell everyone, get supported, and ignore her. Open honest communication, builds strong relationships/friendships.

If I tell people it would look like I am trashtalking her. Very few people knew about our relationship, she said she prefers to keep it private 'in case it doesn't work out'. However, I am pretty sure people gossip and probably most people know.

[ExpatInItaly]

23 minutes ago, Guy_full_of_questions said:

Very few people knew about our relationship, she said she prefers to keep it private 'in case it doesn't work out'.

Why did ever agree to go along with this secrecy?

[Lotsgoingon]

Never heard anyone say you should be "enemies" with an ex. But you can't be friends. 

Let's be clear on what "not being friends" means. It means you don't contact the person, and you don't meet with the person. If you maintain active contact, you will only strengthen the inner bond you have, a bond that needs to dissolve because she doesn't want to date you. 

You can't be friends with an ex immediately. You can only pretend to be friends. Can your ex talk to you about her dating life and sex life? That's what friends can do. And look, the person who has been dumped really wants to impress the ex and get back together with the ex, no matter what they say to themselves.

Those mutual friends you mention, you can get together with them. Most likely they are waiting for you to show that you are comfortable hanging with them.  they think you might be uncomfortable, so they are waiting for you to take the initiative to get together. And they know quite well that when they get together with  you, they should not talk about your ex, and you shouldn't ask about your ex. These mutual friends aren't judging you the way you think they are. 

I am close to an ex, but that took decades of time apart before we could be friends again. We both (mainly me) had to TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY let go of the desire to be romantic and let go of all previous hurt.