Need advice on ex back from work [merged threads]

[matty1989]

How should I act around a dismissive avoidant I see daily at work, on the same floor?

 

I do miss her. She said we had an unreal connection but I let her down too many times. The strange thing is, that doesn’t seem DA. She seems very seen to maintain some for of relationship. She agreed to vape 3/4 times a day, doesn’t want to block, wanted to stay in shared playlist. We laugh and talk outside.

 

Any advice would be incredibly welcomed. 

Edited January 24 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, matty1989 said:

 I see daily at work, on the same floor? She said we had an unreal connection but I let her down too many times.  She agreed to vape 3/4 times a day, doesn’t want to block, wanted to stay in shared playlist. We laugh and talk outside.

How long were you dating? What did she mean by "let her down too many times"?  How long ago was the breakup? 

All you can do is keep being polite and professional at work and try to avoid her. Even though she's willing to go on breaks please step back. 

Eventually she will start dating others and it could get awkward, so staying friends has it's drawbacks. 

It doesn't seem like she wants to reconcile although it seems you're hoping that going on breaks, sharing playlists and not blocking you are "signs" that she may want to get back together. 

 

[matty1989]

We dated for around 8 months. She left her fiancé of 6 years for me. We had this insane connection where we text constantly, physical was amazing. I had issues with addiction and 4 or 5 times was pretty out of it when I met her. She forgave me but not the last time. She still wants to chat or text and it still feels the same in some ways. She moved on very quickly though. I feel like ignoring is the best. I can not walk past her if I wanted to. Use a different kitchen etc but it will be noticeable.  I don’t directly work with her, and I do miss her. Break up was 5 weeks ago

[MsJayne]

What makes you describe her as dismissive avoidant? It doesn't sound like she's being dismissive of you or the fact that your addiction bothered her, and she doesn't seem to be avoiding the issue being as she told you about it. It sounds more like maybe you're avoiding acknowledging, or unable to acknowledge, how rude it is to turn up to a date "pretty out of it". The first few months of dating are for getting to know each other, and sometimes we get to know something that changes our perception of the person and turns us off, like that they've got an addiction. She knows she doesn't want an addict in her life, there's no dismissing or avoiding going on. 

[Alpacalia]

Couple things stuck out. First, she *left her fiancé of six years for you*. I'm not trying to pass judgement, but that's a pretty extreme move.

The problem is you've disrespected those feelings. Yes, I understand addiction is a powerful thing.

So, in sum, I think you need to be clear that you need the space to focus on your recovery. If that leads to a break up, at least you'll have done the right thing with regard to letting someone go for you own good.

Sadly, stuff like this is oftentimes a hard fall to the bottom as you rebuild your life again. If you have people in your life that care about you (family, friends, groups, whatever), now is the time to reach out to them. Not her.

What do you think?

Edited January 14 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, matty1989 said:

She left her fiancé of 6 years for me

This was your first red flag. These situations rarely work out, simply because monkey-branching from one man to the next offers no time for healing, reflection or growth. It's not until the person has had time to really think that they realize the new relationship wasn't truly what they wanted. That doesn't mean the former relationship was going to last anyway, but the news one generally burn out pretty quickly too. 

19 hours ago, matty1989 said:

We had this insane connection where we text constantly, physical was amazing

This is the honeymoon phase, I hope you realize. It feels great but it's not necessarily indicative of a lasting connection. Nobody can sustain that level of intensity, and it's only after some time has passed that the reality of daily life with the other person starts to settle in. That is where real choices are made about the long-term viability of a relationship, and unforutnately, she saw things that rendered this relationship untenable. 

19 hours ago, matty1989 said:

I had issues with addiction and 4 or 5 times was pretty out of it when I met her. She forgave me but not the last time

This is a very valid reason for her to have opted out. Are you getting help with your addiction? 

20 hours ago, matty1989 said:

She agreed to vape 3/4 times a day, doesn’t want to block, wanted to stay in shared playlist

This is going to fizzle out. When she meets another guy, you can expect all of this to stop so it would be wise to cut this off now so you're not hurt all over again when she stops staying connected this way.  Also, I mean no disrespect, but "agreeing to vape" a specific number of times a day sounds like high school, man. That's not the stuff of a mature connection and it's meaningless. 

20 hours ago, matty1989 said:

How should I act around a dismissive avoidan

What has led you to assign this attachment label to her? 

[matty1989]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This was your first red flag. These situations rarely work out, simply because monkey-branching from one man to the next offers no time for healing, reflection or growth. It's not until the person has had time to really think that they realize the new relationship wasn't truly what they wanted. That doesn't mean the former relationship was going to last anyway, but the news one generally burn out pretty quickly too. 

This is the honeymoon phase, I hope you realize. It feels great but it's not necessarily indicative of a lasting connection. Nobody can sustain that level of intensity, and it's only after some time has passed that the reality of daily life with the other person starts to settle in. That is where real choices are made about the long-term viability of a relationship, and unforutnately, she saw things that rendered this relationship untenable. 

This is a very valid reason for her to have opted out. Are you getting help with your addiction? 

This is going to fizzle out. When she meets another guy, you can expect all of this to stop so it would be wise to cut this off now so you're not hurt all over again when she stops staying connected this way.  Also, I mean no disrespect, but "agreeing to vape" a specific number of times a day sounds like high school, man. That's not the stuff of a mature connection and it's meaningless. 

What has led you to assign this attachment label to her? 

Thank you so much. This is one of the most informed but of advice I have had.

I am not familiar with monkey branching. At first we would text many times throughout the day but as I kicked up it became less. When she was with her fiancé it was almost like she wanted the best of both worlds. She would sometimes knock him and was engaged but seemed in different and said she would never get married.

As I said we chatted more and more before we got together. In person I could feel this strong connection.

There’s so much that has happened and before we broke up, hanging out and physically was amazing.

it’s like she still wants the best of both worlds and I play into it because I miss her. It’s clear she still wants some form of contact and almost to keep me on the sidelines. She wants to text and sometimes we have meaningful convos before she disappears again. I tried the begging and went back to playing it cool and focusing on myself. I have text her long messages this weekend but without reply. The last one was basically like I miss you and like you but I will completly accept it now and bother you again. She was the one who told me she was with someone else after about a week, and I said that’s a rebound but she ignored it.

other people advise that she’s just being nice by maintaining friendship, but I know her and it just feels so similar to before where she wanted something. I wish someone would give me a firm plan. I’m person even last week we were still flirting and joking and it felt like it did when we first got together. I am thinking I should just go awol, I can go out to vape through a different entrance and I purposely walk past her at the moment. I could cut out that substantialy and only see her 2/3 times. Sometimes I feel like she wants people we work with to see me making effort with her. Or to think I am chasing.

I am doing well with addiction and 7 weeks clean. Thank you for asking. It’s like I have sorted other stuff out. We have this thing at work where if you do well, which I am again, you get picked for this bonus game on Friday afternoon. She said we could maybe go for a coffee and I make a joke if got picked we would, and as we were waiting with about 100 people, she looked at me and smiled. Then I text saying so? Got ignored and ruined it by sending like 4 essays to her without reply. I just don’t know what to do. How could move on so quick after our ‘connection’. Why does she want to be pals after 5 weeks? What should I do to move on? Or even if you disagree to get her back. 

 

 

Thanks again your advice was the best I have had out of 20 replies

[matty1989]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This was your first red flag. These situations rarely work out, simply because monkey-branching from one man to the next offers no time for healing, reflection or growth. It's not until the person has had time to really think that they realize the new relationship wasn't truly what they wanted. That doesn't mean the former relationship was going to last anyway, but the news one generally burn out pretty quickly too. 

This is the honeymoon phase, I hope you realize. It feels great but it's not necessarily indicative of a lasting connection. Nobody can sustain that level of intensity, and it's only after some time has passed that the reality of daily life with the other person starts to settle in. That is where real choices are made about the long-term viability of a relationship, and unforutnately, she saw things that rendered this relationship untenable. 

This is a very valid reason for her to have opted out. Are you getting help with your addiction? 

This is going to fizzle out. When she meets another guy, you can expect all of this to stop so it would be wise to cut this off now so you're not hurt all over again when she stops staying connected this way.  Also, I mean no disrespect, but "agreeing to vape" a specific number of times a day sounds like high school, man. That's not the stuff of a mature connection and it's meaningless. 

What has led you to assign this attachment label to her? 

Sorry I just read up on it and she matched like 6 out of 7 signs.

the other bad stuff is that she seems to party most weekends now, and moved out for her fiancé where they did everything together, to partying with new housemates and seemingly doing drugs most weekends. It just feels odd to me. 

[matty1989]

Sorry, I know sound some desperate loser who’s overthinking everything. I find it hard with her at work, she looks nice and is laughing etc. I love my job and that isn’t an option.

I really thought this was it. I tried for a year to win her over and when I did it was unreal, like a one in a million. I’m so annoyed that I ruined it and I feel such a sense of loss.

I know it sounds like I’m looking at it with tinted glasses, but I really hadn’t felt like that before. I liked everything about her. I haven’t felt like that with physical side or sense of humour and just hanging out was so fun. I used to get bored and haven’t felt like this before 

[matty1989]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This was your first red flag. These situations rarely work out, simply because monkey-branching from one man to the next offers no time for healing, reflection or growth. It's not until the person has had time to really think that they realize the new relationship wasn't truly what they wanted. That doesn't mean the former relationship was going to last anyway, but the news one generally burn out pretty quickly too. 

This is the honeymoon phase, I hope you realize. It feels great but it's not necessarily indicative of a lasting connection. Nobody can sustain that level of intensity, and it's only after some time has passed that the reality of daily life with the other person starts to settle in. That is where real choices are made about the long-term viability of a relationship, and unforutnately, she saw things that rendered this relationship untenable. 

This is a very valid reason for her to have opted out. Are you getting help with your addiction? 

This is going to fizzle out. When she meets another guy, you can expect all of this to stop so it would be wise to cut this off now so you're not hurt all over again when she stops staying connected this way.  Also, I mean no disrespect, but "agreeing to vape" a specific number of times a day sounds like high school, man. That's not the stuff of a mature connection and it's meaningless. 

What has led you to assign this attachment label to her? 

 

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This was your first red flag. These situations rarely work out, simply because monkey-branching from one man to the next offers no time for healing, reflection or growth. It's not until the person has had time to really think that they realize the new relationship wasn't truly what they wanted. That doesn't mean the former relationship was going to last anyway, but the news one generally burn out pretty quickly too. 

This is the honeymoon phase, I hope you realize. It feels great but it's not necessarily indicative of a lasting connection. Nobody can sustain that level of intensity, and it's only after some time has passed that the reality of daily life with the other person starts to settle in. That is where real choices are made about the long-term viability of a relationship, and unforutnately, she saw things that rendered this relationship untenable. 

This is a very valid reason for her to have opted out. Are you getting help with your addiction? 

This is going to fizzle out. When she meets another guy, you can expect all of this to stop so it would be wise to cut this off now so you're not hurt all over again when she stops staying connected this way.  Also, I mean no disrespect, but "agreeing to vape" a specific number of times a day sounds like high school, man. That's not the stuff of a mature connection and it's meaningless. 

What has led you to assign this attachment label to her? 

Sorry and finally, just because I want your opinion based on your previous advice when I asked her back, she would say let me think about it. The last time I said I am clean and doing well, which is true, she said keep proving it. It’s like the door is always slightly open. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, matty1989 said:

It’s like the door is always slightly open. 

All this means is that she knows you will be on the back-burner until she meets the next guys she wants to date. 

She doesn't want a relationship with you, I can nearly promise you that. She had her fun with you, but realized it wasn't going to work nor is it what she wanted longer-term. 

Please work on moving on from her. The chances that this will end well for you are practically zero. 

[matty1989]

Thank you what about the other stuff? She is with a new guy apparently ha. She told me, again why? 

[matty1989]

How do you move in when you work? 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, matty1989 said:

She is with a new guy apparently ha. She told me, again why? 

To make it clear that she isn't planning on reconciling with you. 

2 minutes ago, matty1989 said:

How do you move in when you work? 

Cut all contact beyond what is necessary for work reasons. No more shared playlist. No more vaping. No more anything. That's the only way. 

[matty1989]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

To make it clear that she isn't planning on reconciling with you. 

Cut all contact beyond what is necessary for work reasons. No more shared playlist. No more vaping. No more anything. That's the only way. 

Ok thank you. I needed to read that. We don’t directly work together. I have no reason to speak. As I said I can avoid her desk but it will be very obvious. It will go from walking past her 30 times a day to almost zero. No one will care and I can. I don’t want to do the polite thing. It just hurts, I just want to never speak again. If I walk past her at lunch I don’t even want to smile or aknowledge at all. Can I do this or is it petty. Even if it is, I need to move on, and thank you again. Always rely on kindness of strangers!!

[matty1989]

Just now, matty1989 said:

Ok thank you. I needed to read that. We don’t directly work together. I have no reason to speak. As I said I can avoid her desk but it will be very obvious. It will go from walking past her 30 times a day to almost zero. No one will care and I can. I don’t want to do the polite thing. It just hurts, I just want to never speak again. If I walk past her at lunch I don’t even want to smile or aknowledge at all. Can I do this or is it petty. Even if it is, I need to move on, and thank you again. Always rely on kindness of strangers!!

Polite thing as in quick smile or say hello. I can use a different kitchen as well. Again very obvious. It will be a huge change to what I have always done but I’m not interested in how it looks. No one will care 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, matty1989 said:

Can I do this or is it petty

Do whatever is right for you to help you move on. 

Her opinion of how you do so is irrelevant. 

[matty1989]

I was hoping someone could help me. The whole thing has been surreal. I am left with more answers than questions.  With no real closure. I don’t want an in depth physiological profile but something may click with somebody

 

Pre getting together

Work with this girl 34, instantly head over heels. Work on same office floor. Pretty, not English, seems very career driven.

I chase but not in a crazy way but it’s obvious I like her, chat when I can, but not actively pursue her.

I was a hero at work, people commented on my appearance in a positive way, well liked and did very well in my job and got celebrated by company (this goes to s***)

 

Getting Together

My mental health gets worst but I cover it at work. I end up having 2 weeks off [ ]  She has asked for my number on a work trip, where we spent most of the time chatting.

I tell her I really like her, she is hesitant. It builds and we begin texting all day every day. Intense conversation, it’s electric, we both say there’s a huge connection.

A week after I get back we begin an affair. No judgement, I know it’s shitty. We kiss and meet up about 4 times in hotels and lots of lunches away from work.

She did seem a genuinely nice person but lies to her fiance, to his face.

Last time we meet up, she then tells me she’s going away with him on holiday for 2 weeks. I’m heartbroken and go on a massive spiral.

 

Her relationship.

She almost seems indifferent to her relationship. Says she has no intention of getting married. She says she knows something is wrong when he comes back from a trip.

They’re together 7 years but she never lets him come to her family for Christmas.

Her family dynamic is strange. Much older siblings. Mum married 5 times and she says she can’t really talk to her dad anything other than surface level.

Her fiancé puts her on pedestal. Has a instagram highlights reel just of pictures of her.

Her life seems to revolve around him despite indifference. She has no outside pals and all instagram stoires are couples things. Even playing video games.

I ghost 5 days into holiday and she begins adding songs to a joint playlist, that are about being together.

She says shared playlist is good because she finds it easier to communicate.

We are on/off many times, she says she has a life with her bf.

I had this feeling one time she said let’s stop, she was almost pushing to get a reaction from me, almost wanting to be wanted. I remember vividly, her saying things like if only we could, or we met at a different time.

We both say many times we have once in life time connection.

She has never got with anyone else in that 7 years, that what she says.

She does drugs and has very laid back ‘traveller’ vibe, but she really has her s*** together.

She is most stoic person I have ever met. Never saw her cry. Not very emotional.

 

 

Her breakup

She basically just seems to switch off him. She does seem a bit upset.

She basically just decides it over with him. He begs and has panic attacks, she moves out. I saw in an email he sent, he was saying you didn’t really explain, after 7 years, you wouldn’t even listen.

She moves into flat share with a ‘party house’ and starts going out, having friends.

She seems so indifferent to him, she shows me these long emails, and she isn’t doing it to placate me (I was never jealous) but almost shrugs and doesn’t reply. He tries this around 6 times to complete indifference 

 

Next stage and together

We spend time together and get on very well. Lots of fun sex, activities. 

She is against me sharing stories together (maybe because of work)

She doesn’t really include me in activities with housemates or new pals and I feel separate.

I spiral again with stress of work. It goes from glamorous to the dark side of mental health/using substances. I’m not ashamed, but not washing for 3 days, [ ]  (I’m in good place now).

I keep [messing] up and end up in hospital. She slowly stops texting like we did before, and starts to have a new life.

She takes me back but I [mess} up and go awol and hospital for a month and she won’t take me back. Again I feel like she wants me to persuade her or even beg.

 

Breakup

I do end up begging and we do speak a lot and are ‘friends’ at work. 

She refuses to block on anything, despite me suggesting.

She tells me she has met someone else but has made ‘no promises’

A few weeks after breakup she texts me saying she wants coffee and I ask why and she says she still likes me.

At first day at work she texts me saying I look really good.

At work or when we hang out for 5 minutes and it’s just like before.

During friend stage we end up texting a bit like before but she starts ignoring or short texting.

I try no contact but fail each time after 6 days.

Strange things happen, for example she sets up a new playlist called ‘trip’ after telling me about dating and puts lots of sexually charged songs on, similar to when we had own. I say you already made a playlist with someone else, it seems likely, but she leaves her Spotify on my laptop and it’s not a shared playlist I.e no other person like when we did it. She knows I can see it.

On 6th day of no contact she copies me into work email (has twice before in 2 years).

I ask for coffee a handful of times and she never says no and says she will let me know.

I tell her I am better and we should try and she says like keep probing it. 

 

If you read this far thank you. I would love somebody to say what has happened her or what went on. There seems to be some distinctive behaviour here but I can’t pinpoint it.

 

I will be so grateful to anyone who answers or has a theory.

 

**TL;DR,**: got with girl of my dreams. She seems almost robotic at times. [Ditches] 7 year relationship. Feel lovebombed and now feel games were played or are being played 

 

Edited January 24 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[S2B]

First off - find some stability FOR YOURSELF.

Start dating other gals. This stoic gal isn’t ever going to show emotions. Share real feelings or allow you to know how she feels. That’s an empty life long term.

date someone you don’t work with - that gets messy.

[matty1989]

Ok thank you. I agree and that has made me feel better. Is what happened normal? I still feel confused. She is very stoic 

[ExpatInItaly]

What happened is that you put this woman on a pedestal she never deserved to be on, and you made the mistake of believing this had any hope of being a real, healthy and long-term relationship. 

She was never going to become a true partner to you. She had her fun with you, got out of her relationship, and is now bounding off toward the next guy. 

Please, stay away from her. She is trouble, and was never any good for you. 

[matty1989]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What happened is that you put this woman on a pedestal she never deserved to be on, and you made the mistake of believing this had any hope of being a real, healthy and long-term relationship. 

She was never going to become a true partner to you. She had her fun with you, got out of her relationship, and is now bounding off toward the next guy. 

Please, stay away from her. She is trouble, and was never any good for you. 

I honestly think you’re right. It does feel shot but thank you for reading and replying. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, matty1989 said:

Feel lovebombed and now feel games were played or are being played

I'm confused.  Why do you think that you were lovebombed or there were games being played?   

From what I can see, she gave you a good chance and then got fed up with your substance abuse.  The ending was a bit off/on/off, but this is hardly unusual.   She's probably forgotten that she logged in her spotify and has no idea that you know she's feeling sexy about someone.

Do the right thing and log her out. Remove her password if it's saved.

Continue with limited contact