Bertol Posted January 14 Share Posted January 14 *please keep this post separate* I left my ex of a year 3 months ago. It was my first everything. I had to as i can recognise he was treating me poorly, it was making me physically ill and everyone around me was begging me to get out of the relationship. I lost a significant amount of weight, barely spoke and had a constantly high heart rate as well as being unable to sleep for the weeks prior to the breakup. He was aware of ghis and eventually i just got too scared to talk to him because he would get defensive and say its not his problem it's something i need to work on myself despite the reason being our relationship. I had never ever felt like that before in my life. It took 2 months of tearing myself apart to finally realise it may be the better option. For context he would never listen to me, said everything was in my head and blames 'my ways' for pushing him to be like that and essentially said it was all my fault after i asked him to leave me alone and stop coming yup to me as if everything is normal a couple months after the breakup. Even in the message he sent me he wrote it in a way to make himself look like the victim and said I treated him disgusting, and that my behaviour is what made him the way he was to me. This drives me insane because now I question myself often whether i am just a horrible person and it was all my fault, when all the people around me during the relationship i confided in and watched me deteriorate (my mother and best friend) tell me this isn't the case, but maybe i left things out when i was telling them about our relationship. I cant get out of this mindset, whenever it goes it creeps back. Anyway he moved on immediately (1.5 months or so) to a new girlfriend. The disregar hurts immensely and I can't understand why i sun think of him 24/7 and im so depressed. I've had really good moments but I've seemed to have fallen into the worst one now. I've tried everything and i still am trying. Im terrified of my town i live in for uni because its so small and i see him and his new girl everywhere. So many memories too. Its just so unfair that with his charming and nice facade hes got ig so good. So many friends and he's probably telling people i was vile to him and because hes so 'lovely' and im more shy so less people know me, they probably believe him. It just hurts so bad. It's driving me to the worst state of my life. Seeing him happy with a new girl (who is also his roommate) knowing how good of a lover he can be makes me heart shatter. Especially when i cant even talk to a man. I do worry nobody will ever love me or ill love them as intensely and deeply as we did at the beginning. He even said himself nobody will love me like he did and ill regret leaving him. Our relationship was so passionate and great at the start. I don't want to live with that much guilt of destroying a good thing that i may never get again because maybe i made it bad? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14 Share Posted January 14 11 minutes ago, Bertol said: I've tried everything and i still am trying Kindly, have you tried therapy? It sounds like you're at the point where a professional would be very beneficial. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 Why is it okay for your ex to blame you for his wrongdoings? He clearly doesn't value or cherish you if he's constantly putting you down. Don't be fooled by his sweet talk and empty promises. It's just a matter of time before he shows his true colors to his new partner. He's the type who needs to find someone new to dump all his negative traits on. In the beginning, lovers are all about excitement and affection, but as time goes on, reality sets in and things change. Running away may seem thrilling, but it's not sustainable. The new girl may seem like the perfect match, but it's not true love. You, on the other hand, have dodged a bullet by seeing his true nature. You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 I too think you're at the point that therapy would help immensely. You've struggled with this for some time now and I know myself how awful it feels when the first boy you love moves onto someone else. It's horrible. Have you thought about transferring away to school, rather than staying where you'll be around him? That will give you a fresh start to meet new friends. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 On 1/14/2024 at 12:01 PM, Bertol said: I had to as i can recognise he was treating me poorly, Can you give some examples how he treated you poorly? On 1/14/2024 at 12:01 PM, Bertol said: said everything was in my head and blames 'my ways' for pushing him to be like that What does he mean "my ways"? What about the way you act that he doesn't like? On 1/14/2024 at 12:01 PM, Bertol said: and that my behaviour is what made him the way he was to me. How have you behaved that makes him say this? On 1/14/2024 at 12:01 PM, Bertol said: I don't want to live with that much guilt of destroying a good thing that i may never get again because maybe i made it bad? Sweetheart you haven't destroyed anything. He sounds like he was on his way out anyway, so you breaking up first is not the cause of this. I asked you the above questions so we can get a better idea of what went on between you two that may have led to this. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 Let's take a deep breath & unpack some of this. You are at uni & he was your 1st everything. Of course this break-up hurts. It's uncharted territory for you. Campus can be small but if you have a sense of where he will be, go elsewhere. Take a different longer path to class. Avoid his favorite spot. It's the beginning of a new semester; join a new club or activity to expand your circle & make new memories having nothing to do with him. Stop with the absolutes. Nothing is all one person's fault. Both contribute to the problem. The fact that he is trying to say it was all you & you made him act a certain way is the M.O. of a gaslighter. The fact that On 1/14/2024 at 12:01 PM, Bertol said: everyone around me was begging me to get out of the relationship tells me he was a bad guy. When one friend or family member doesn't like your SO, that is a personality conflict. When everybody is against the relationship, you are ignoring serious red flags. This was a college romance. You will find love again. The fact that he moved on in 1.5 months is not that unusual. The fact that you know he has a new GF means you are still too focused on him. He's your past. Forget him. Live your best life. Study. Make new friends. Have fun. It's college. It doesn't matter what he says about you. Anybody who knows you doesn't believe him. Those who do, weren't your real friends anyway. At this stage with a fresh break up I don't know that you need therapy. I think a peer counselor through school might be able to help you but I do agree having somebody to talk to about all the anxiety is a great idea. The idea that you had so many physical manifestations of stress: On 1/14/2024 at 12:01 PM, Bertol said: lost a significant amount of weight, barely spoke and had a constantly high heart rate as well as being unable to sleep tells me this was an unhealthy relationship but also that you may have anxiety, that you need to learn to deal with. That will need a professional therapist. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 On 1/14/2024 at 12:01 PM, Bertol said: he was treating me poorly, it was making me physically ill and everyone around me was begging me to get out of the relationship. You made the right decision ending things. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. If possible avoid him on campus. Please consult with student health for help finding support and counseling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts