Age gap

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, DizzyBlonde said:

My daughter had distanced herself from him because of his behaviour sometime ago. He has burned a lot of bridges.

I honestly took him in because he had nowhere.

If your daughter had distanced herself from him, how did it come to be that you were in contact with him?  If it was your son in law who asked you, why would you choose to go against your daughter by taking him in?   Hasn't she already been burned enough?

[DizzyBlonde]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

If your daughter had distanced herself from him, how did it come to be that you were in contact with him?  If it was your son in law who asked you, why would you choose to go against your daughter by taking him in?   Hasn't she already been burned enough?

I had his phone number and heard he was in a mess. I didn't think it would cause such a drama. The fact is today he has been so good and I have spoken with a therapist who is interested in helping him.

[DizzyBlonde]

17 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Yes you can ask your doctor for a referral but doesn't mean it will be a good match. Personaly l would prefer a woman therapist so l'd do my search on my own, they're all over internet. I'd go meet one, if we don't sync l'd try someone else. I would look for someone with a baccalauréat in psychology. 

Thank you. You really are kind

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said:

I had his phone number and heard he was in a mess. I didn't think it would cause such a drama.

Do you understand why you daughter is upset? It’s very strange for the mom of his (ex) friend’s wife to call randomly and offer lodging. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said:

I had his phone number and heard he was in a mess. I didn't think it would cause such a drama. The fact is today he has been so good and I have spoken with a therapist who is interested in helping him.

She wanted him out of her life, so you bring him into your home.  How did you think this was ever going to work?

All that aside, what part of you thinks it's a good idea to get romantically involved with an addict who hasn't even begun to recover?   Having a romance would be one thing if this young man was employed, emotionally stable and able to make sensible decisions for himself, but honestly, by sleeping with him in his current state, you're taking advantage of him.  

Perhaps it would be easier for you to understand if we switched genders in this story:  A younger, damaged woman finds herself with zero options in her life. No job, no roof over her head and history of bad decision making.  An older man, friend of the family takes her in.  He thinks she's hot  - and despite knowing that she's an addict, has nowhere else to go and is unable to make good decisions for herself, he gets drunk with her and then they have sex.  He wants more sex...and she's a mess who just makes bad decisions.  He thinks he's in love with this mess of a girl.  His excuse is that he can't help his feelings.   This guy would be slammed for his behaviour by all and sundry.   Don't you agree?

[DizzyBlonde]

11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Do you understand why you daughter is upset? It’s very strange for the mom of his (ex) friend’s wife to call randomly and offer lodging. 

Now I know more about certain events yes

[DizzyBlonde]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

She wanted him out of her life, so you bring him into your home.  How did you think this was ever going to work?

All that aside, what part of you thinks it's a good idea to get romantically involved with an addict who hasn't even begun to recover?   Having a romance would be one thing if this young man was employed, emotionally stable and able to make sensible decisions for himself, but honestly, by sleeping with him in his current state, you're taking advantage of him.  

Perhaps it would be easier for you to understand if we switched genders in this story:  A younger, damaged woman finds herself with zero options in her life. No job, no roof over her head and history of bad decision making.  An older man, friend of the family takes her in.  He thinks she's hot  - and despite knowing that she's an addict, has nowhere else to go and is unable to make good decisions for herself, he gets drunk with her and then they have sex.  He wants more sex...and she's a mess who just makes bad decisions.  He thinks he's in love with this mess of a girl.  His excuse is that he can't help his feelings.   This guy would be slammed for his behaviour by all and sundry.   Don't you agree?

Firstly he is not an addict! He has not touched any or has any for over a week. He is sleeping in another room and at the moment we are discussing him have therapy. I have a meeting for myself today. He is reluctant I grant you that and he has his reasons.

I was not fully aware of my daughters reasons. I want to talk to her about that but she has now cut me off totally which is really not helping matters.

[Weezy1973]

52 minutes ago, DizzyBlonde said:

Firstly he is not an addict! He has not touched any or has any for over a week.

I think you have to read up on addicts. 

[DizzyBlonde]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

I think you have to read up on addicts. 

Thank you. I have never been involved with anyone who has taken drugs. My daughter emailed me to say she cannot see how we can ever be like a family again and for the time being it is best I move on. I replied that it was not as bad as she is painting it and that I am hopeful everything will be OK.

She answered with grow up!

 

I feel whatever I now do will make no difference as if I do split up she still wants nothing to do with me

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, DizzyBlonde said:

I feel whatever I now do will make no difference as if I do split up she still wants nothing to do with me

That's how easy you give up on your daughter?

She is hurt, she will need time, she told you *for the time being*. Meanwhile you get this guy out of your house, let him figure his life, he has friends and family to support him. Go to your therapy, you will be able to see the big picture there and work on yourself then reconnecting with your daughter. Might take weeks, might take a couple of years. When the dust settles your daughter could go meet you in therapy so you purge all this with the guidance of a professional. 

You have to prove to her that you are mother worthy again and that will take you...yes, to grow up. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said:

I replied that it was not as bad as she is painting it and that I am hopeful everything will be OK.

There seems to be long standing conflicts with your daughter.  You two appear to be on different wavelengths. 

You seem to want her to accept your cool "age-gap relationship" and seem to believe she's spoiling your fun.

However your daughter may be concerned about your judgement as far as mothering, housing, enabling and nurturing this grifter.

Edited January 18, 2024 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

On 1/16/2024 at 4:17 PM, DizzyBlonde said:

I cannot abandon him at this stage!

Yet you have no problem letting your daughter go under the guise of "I can't help how I feel".  Why aren't you feeling this way about abandoning her?

[DizzyBlonde]

58 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

That's how easy you give up on your daughter?

She is hurt, she will need time, she told you *for the time being*. Meanwhile you get this guy out of your house, let him figure his life, he has friends and family to support him. Go to your therapy, you will be able to see the big picture there and work on yourself then reconnecting with your daughter. Might take weeks, might take a couple of years. When the dust settles your daughter could go meet you in therapy so you purge all this with the guidance of a professional. 

You have to prove to her that you are mother worthy again and that will take you...yes, to grow up. 

I had a intro meeting for therapy and they will let me know who I will have sessions with. I feel very numb today

[DizzyBlonde]

55 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There seems to be long standing conflicts with your daughter.  You two appear to be on different wavelengths. 

You seem to want her to accept your cool "age-gap relationship" and seem to believe she's spoiling your fun.

However your daughter may be concerned about your judgement as far as mothering, housing, enabling and nurturing this grifter.

Ok some history.

My daughter and I were never close. That might sound odd as I am her mother but we didn't bond. We grew closer but I think it was kind of false. My husband and I were 'separated' long before actually split. He moved out and that is when the gap between my daughter and I grew bigger. He was not coping very well. I was a partner in his business and it was not doing well at all. I suggested we sell it on and he disagreed and so our daughter.

The business carried on but we were losing money so I arranged a meeting with the bank and other shareholders. They voted that the company be sold. Unfortunately by the time our divorce came through he had stage 4 cancer! I was seeing the other man I mentioned before and although my daughter was not aware or she hid it well it came out via a gossip.

It truly was not anything serious and I was a single woman.

After the the funeral we had a clear the air meet and taht is when we began all over and it was going fairly well. I would pick my grandson up for the weekends and everything was good but I always felt it would not last.

 

I am sorry

[DizzyBlonde]

40 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yet you have no problem letting your daughter go under the guise of "I can't help how I feel".  Why aren't you feeling this way about abandoning her?

See my answer to Wiseman2

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, DizzyBlonde said:

My daughter and I were never close. That might sound odd as I am her mother but we didn't bond. We grew closer but I think it was kind of false.

Perhaps with your previous affair and now this, your daughter may feel that your desire for men is greater than your desire to have a relationship with her.  I can see how she would come to that decision.  You haven't known this young man half as long as your daughter yet you're willing to let her go so you can have him.  I hope that you realize that once he gets on his feet he will leave you for a younger woman, no doubt.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, DizzyBlonde said:

I had a intro meeting for therapy and they will let me know who I will have sessions with. I feel very numb today

This is a very smart decision. Be completely honest with your therapist.

They will ask you what you expect out of this therapy, think about it ahead of time.

[DizzyBlonde]

29 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This is a very smart decision. Be completely honest with your therapist.

They will ask you what you expect out of this therapy, think about it ahead of time.

In the consultation I skipped over a period and the woman stopped me and said you must be open about everything even if I think it might be unimportant or we cannot help you.

Very nervous about this 

Edited January 18, 2024 by DizzyBlonde
Spelling

[DizzyBlonde]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Perhaps with your previous affair and now this, your daughter may feel that your desire for men is greater than your desire to have a relationship with her.  I can see how she would come to that decision.  You haven't known this young man half as long as your daughter yet you're willing to let her go so you can have him.  I hope that you realize that once he gets on his feet he will leave you for a younger woman, no doubt.

Yes I except all of what you say except him leaving me. We have been through so much in a short time and been brutally honest.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said:

Yes I except all of what you say except him leaving me. We have been through so much in a short time and been brutally honest.

Hang on, I thought you took him in to help him get back on his feet so that he can go lead a normal productive life.  But you're planning on keeping him?  

 

[DizzyBlonde]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Hang on, I thought you took him in to help him get back on his feet so that he can go lead a normal productive life.  But you're planning on keeping him?  

 

Yes. 

[Weezy1973]

8 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said:

Yes I except all of what you say except him leaving me. We have been through so much in a short time and been brutally honest.

Relationships that go from zero to 100 this quickly usually end just as quickly. You’re both addicts - and no this doesn’t mean drugs necessarily - flying high on the early stage infatuation. When it ends, and it always does, one (probably him) or both of you will need to go seeking your next high. But just let your therapist know. See what she says.

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said:

Yes I except all of what you say except him leaving me. We have been through so much in a short time and been brutally honest.

That's just it.  He's only been with you a short time after his wife kicked him out and you picked him up.  He will want to return to his wife or a new woman.  It's doubtful he'll settle for a much older woman.  You've actually come between him and his wife and this may be affecting your daughter's friendship with his wife.  Have you thought about that or do you care?

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said:

 I would pick my grandson up for the weekends and everything was good.

It's understandable that your daughter and son-in-law do not want their child around this shady character. They know who he is and aren't blinded about it.

Unfortunately the only recourse your daughter, son-in-law have to keep this grifter away from them and their child is to disassociate with you. Sadly they're doing the right thing until you figure yourself out. 

[DizzyBlonde]

6 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Relationships that go from zero to 100 this quickly usually end just as quickly. You’re both addicts - and no this doesn’t mean drugs necessarily - flying high on the early stage infatuation. When it ends, and it always does, one (probably him) or both of you will need to go seeking your next high. But just let your therapist know. See what she says.

I have a telephone call with a therapist shortly. 'He' seems to be more confident and has gone into London to meet with some people regarding work. I mentioned that he still has not arranged a consultation and he said he doesn't need it and it would be good for me.