Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 19 Author Share Posted January 19 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It's understandable that your daughter and son-in-law do not want their child around this shady character. They know who he is and aren't blinded about it. Unfortunately the only recourse your daughter, son-in-law have to keep this grifter away from them and their child is to disassociate with you. Sadly they're doing the right thing until you figure yourself out. I would not involve him and told her that but she said even if the relationship ws to finish she cannot see my involvement because of my attitude and behaviour! This has more to do with the issues with her late father and me Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 3 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said: he said he doesn't need it Do you beleive him? His answer is typical of addicts, they can't see their problem & their problem is never their fault. I'm sure he goes on and on about his ex wife, how she was unfair and did not understand him and *you* get him..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 19 Author Share Posted January 19 17 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Do you beleive him? His answer is typical of addicts, they can't see their problem & their problem is never their fault. I'm sure he goes on and on about his ex wife, how she was unfair and did not understand him and *you* get him..... No I don't. His behaviour is erratic and he wants attention and I give it to him then he will say something like why do I want to be with him and I say because I now love him and he will say but society will judge us! He knows I don't care. To be honest he said his marriage has been over for along time but she still loves him. I am not so sure the more I think about it. He seriously has not taken any drugs or much alcohol but last night made me think his mood swings are not good for him or anyone else Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 4 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said: I would not involve him and told her that but she said even if the relationship ws to finish she cannot see my involvement because of my attitude and behaviour. Even if you spent a lot of time with your grandchild and saw your daughter regularly before you installed this man, it seems blocking you is the only way for your daughter to protect herself and her child from your questionable decisions.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 1 hour ago, DizzyBlonde said: why do I want to be with him and I say because I now love him and he will say but society will judge us! He knows I don't care. This man does not see you as a long term partner. I have an aunt that is 30 years older than her husband. They met he was in his 20s and she was in her 50s. HE did not give a heck about what people would think - that's a man in love. This guy here worries about society and other people's judgement because he's not in love. And for goodness sake why do you think you love this man? What has he done for you that he deserves your love? He's a wreck, he uses drugs and alcohol, he's jobless, he's blind to his problems, he does not want to seek help.....what do you love exactly? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: And for goodness sake why do you think you love this man? What has he done for you that he deserves your love? He's a wreck, he uses drugs and alcohol, he's jobless, he's blind to his problems, he does not want to seek help.....what do you love exactly? I too am curious why you were so in love with this guy you barely know that you seeked him out and offered him to stay with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 19 Author Share Posted January 19 33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Even if you spent a lot of time with your grandchild and saw your daughter regularly before you installed this man, it seems blocking you is the only way for your daughter to protect herself and her child from your questionable decisions.. Blocking me stems from the break up of my marriage to her father and then when he was ill I was away. Oh and selling the business but that has proved to be the correct thing to of done. I think what is happening now is her chance to punish me for not being her ideal mother Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 (edited) On 1/14/2024 at 8:16 PM, DizzyBlonde said: I wanted to get my head straight and to support my daughter and grandson.The problem now is my daughter guessed and she now has stopped talking to me. You have the right to do as you see fit. And your daughter does as well. This has nothing to do with her father since it's a direct result of installing this man. There seems to be long standing issues between you and your daughter, but it's ok if she wants to cease contact because of your recent questionable choices.. Edited January 19 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 19 Author Share Posted January 19 4 hours ago, Gaeta said: This man does not see you as a long term partner. I have an aunt that is 30 years older than her husband. They met he was in his 20s and she was in her 50s. HE did not give a heck about what people would think - that's a man in love. This guy here worries about society and other people's judgement because he's not in love. And for goodness sake why do you think you love this man? What has he done for you that he deserves your love? He's a wreck, he uses drugs and alcohol, he's jobless, he's blind to his problems, he does not want to seek help.....what do you love exactly? I have hope in him and he is a bright man but with no confidence. I might seem foolish but I have nothing in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 19 Author Share Posted January 19 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: You have the right to do as you see fit. And your daughter does as well. This has nothing to do with her father since it's a direct result of installing this man. There seems to be long standing issues between you and your daughter, but it's ok if she wants to cease contact because of your recent questionable choices.. The mistrust in me from my daughter began when her father fell ill! The icing on the cake was 'him' moving in Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 4 minutes ago, DizzyBlonde said: I have hope in him and he is a bright man but with no confidence. I might seem foolish but I have nothing in my life. That does not answer why you love him. I think you are confused between love and lust. Example: I love my boyfriend because he makes me feel important & safe & loved, he's sensitive to my needs, he's kind and helpful. Again, why do you love this man? What does he do for you that you're thinking you must have him in your life? How does he make your life better? What I am seeing he makes your life complicated, brings you frustration & drama & uncertainty. Good question - why you have nothing in your life, that would be good you tackle that with your therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 19 Author Share Posted January 19 29 minutes ago, Gaeta said: That does not answer why you love him. I think you are confused between love and lust. Example: I love my boyfriend because he makes me feel important & safe & loved, he's sensitive to my needs, he's kind and helpful. Again, why do you love this man? What does he do for you that you're thinking you must have him in your life? How does he make your life better? What I am seeing he makes your life complicated, brings you frustration & drama & uncertainty. Good question - why you have nothing in your life, that would be good you tackle that with your therapist. Maybe he is what I need in my life! Turn his life around. We get along so well and make each other laugh. He lifts me up and I feel energised. I have still not had a confirmed date for a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 13 minutes ago, DizzyBlonde said: Maybe he is what I need in my life! Turn his life around. We get along so well and make each other laugh. He lifts me up and I feel energised. What you need in your life would be to turn HIS life around? About turning YOUR life around? About fixing why you have no one in your life, about fixing your relationship with your daughter, about changing your dysfunctional behavior, about learning to make good decisions, about making new friends, reconnecting with your siblings, parents. DizzyBlonde you're not the first woman thinking she can turn a man's life around. These guys use all that great new-relationship energy to put a balm on their wounds. After a few months, when the wounds don't hurt as much and the new-relationship energy brings less dopamine, these guys bails. It's so typical that we read stories like that almost weekly on here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 19 Author Share Posted January 19 37 minutes ago, Gaeta said: What you need in your life would be to turn HIS life around? About turning YOUR life around? About fixing why you have no one in your life, about fixing your relationship with your daughter, about changing your dysfunctional behavior, about learning to make good decisions, about making new friends, reconnecting with your siblings, parents. DizzyBlonde you're not the first woman thinking she can turn a man's life around. These guys use all that great new-relationship energy to put a balm on their wounds. After a few months, when the wounds don't hurt as much and the new-relationship energy brings less dopamine, these guys bails. It's so typical that we read stories like that almost weekly on here. I will turn my life aruond soon onc e I start my therapy. I also am seing my Dr abuot my anxiety too. I know how it looks. I realy have not been a very good parent and I excepted that long ago but I wanted to at least be friends but that is well and truly over I now believe. So I have to turn the pag e xx Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 1 hour ago, DizzyBlonde said: The mistrust in me from my daughter began when her father fell ill! The icing on the cake was 'him' moving in Definitely. That's ok. You can live your life however you see fit and your daughter and son-in-law and their child can avoid you because they already know what a trouble maker this man is. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 7 minutes ago, DizzyBlonde said: I will turn my life aruond soon onc e I start my therapy. I also am seing my Dr abuot my anxiety too. I know how it looks. I realy have not been a very good parent and I excepted that long ago but I wanted to at least be friends but that is well and truly over I now believe. So I have to turn the pag e xx I am glad you're on board with therapy but....sounds to me like you don't want to reconnect with your daughter because she'd be an obstacle to your current relationship. You have a choice to pick him or her, you've made your choice. That's how it looks from where I am sitting. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 You're trying to present it as if you had no original intent, but it's so obvious you did. Your intentions were very transparent to your daughter and son-in-law and that's the probable reason she's angry at you. She probably hoped you weren't up to what it looked like you were up to and crossed her fingers, but then the inevitable happened because that's how you planned it. If she's good friends with the wife of this guy you've moved in, she must be dying of embarrassment. Maybe this guy's an opportunist and sees you as an easy way to avoid facing his problems, but you're the one who engineered the situation so you could get together with him. You need to stop believing other people are stupid and can't see through your actions. I don't mean to be rude or judgmental, but I see you have a cover photo' on your profile which is a heavily photo-shopped picture of a bikini-clad you frolicking in the sea, though it does look like you've shopped your head onto someone else's body and someone else's holiday, and I have to wonder why someone would put up this particular type of fake image of themselves on a support website - this is not Tinder. What's the message you're hoping to send to a bunch of strangers? Do you think perhaps there's something much more going on with you, maybe you're fearful of aging, clinging on to youth tooth and nail, and pursuing this younger man is a symptom of that? Swooping in on your son-in-laws best mate while his marriage is in trouble and he's highly vulnerable is very uncool. It sounds like you and your daughter had a fraught and fragile relationship before any of this happened, and if you want to work things out with her maybe it's time to start recognising and respecting other people's boundaries. Maybe work on those photo-shopping skills too. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 So this is all very common when we don't want to turn inward and instead focus on someone else. It avoids facing our own need to draw strength from within and that is where we are most afraid to look. I feel this is the part you want to concentrate on. But at the same time you feel guilty, shame etc. Even though you enjoy the relationship you also feel dependency on a young man, who is just as young as your own children and less than half your age. I understand how the great make-out sessions may make you feel young and alive. The real problem is that eventually this is going to fade leaving you exposed to the core of your own pain and emptiness. That is what you are most afraid of feeling. I believe this is why you are not facing the truth now, such as social and family stability risks this may cost you. It is really important for you to have a real possibility of a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with a suitable partner, as this is the way to fill all of the empty spaces and heal your deep pain. Try to understand the deep reason, that you are afraid of who you are and what you face within- this is so essential here and now for you. See if you can find some support in a friend, therapist or social club to help you to confide in you, treasure you and be there - so you can do it for yourself as well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 (edited) On 1/15/2024 at 3:34 PM, DizzyBlonde said: I am 59 and he is 33 Age is not as important as drugs, gambling, unemployment, homeless, married and a history of a parasitic lifestyle. These, not age, are excellent reasons for your daughter and son-in-law to avoid you as long as he's in your house. Even if you wish to believe your daughter is not happy about the cool "age-gap relationship", it's really poor judgement to have someone like this in your house no matter what age. 1 hour ago, Alpacalia said: and less than half your age. Edited January 20 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 (edited) 15 hours ago, DizzyBlonde said: Blocking me stems from the break up of my marriage to her father and then when he was ill I was away. Oh and selling the business but that has proved to be the correct thing to of done. I think what is happening now is her chance to punish me for not being her ideal mother I think it's not so much about punishing you. Rather it's about protecting herself from you. After all, the most recent choice you've made is bringing someone she needs to be away from into your life. The message she gets from this that you're not respecting her boundaries....I mean, she can no longer visit you - or you visit her because he'll be around. You chose a guy who's homeless because of all the problems he's created in the lives of others him over her. And now you're having sex with him and declaring love. That's a shitty thing to do to your daughter. Edited January 20 by basil67 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 20 Author Share Posted January 20 4 hours ago, MsJayne said: You're trying to present it as if you had no original intent, but it's so obvious you did. Your intentions were very transparent to your daughter and son-in-law and that's the probable reason she's angry at you. She probably hoped you weren't up to what it looked like you were up to and crossed her fingers, but then the inevitable happened because that's how you planned it. If she's good friends with the wife of this guy you've moved in, she must be dying of embarrassment. Maybe this guy's an opportunist and sees you as an easy way to avoid facing his problems, but you're the one who engineered the situation so you could get together with him. You need to stop believing other people are stupid and can't see through your actions. I don't mean to be rude or judgmental, but I see you have a cover photo' on your profile which is a heavily photo-shopped picture of a bikini-clad you frolicking in the sea, though it does look like you've shopped your head onto someone else's body and someone else's holiday, and I have to wonder why someone would put up this particular type of fake image of themselves on a support website - this is not Tinder. What's the message you're hoping to send to a bunch of strangers? Do you think perhaps there's something much more going on with you, maybe you're fearful of aging, clinging on to youth tooth and nail, and pursuing this younger man is a symptom of that? Swooping in on your son-in-laws best mate while his marriage is in trouble and he's highly vulnerable is very uncool. It sounds like you and your daughter had a fraught and fragile relationship before any of this happened, and if you want to work things out with her maybe it's time to start recognising and respecting other people's boundaries. Maybe work on those photo-shopping skills too. I don't see the point in answering when you seem to have an agenda! I can assure you the photo is not 'photoshopped' and is of me im happier times! Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 20 Author Share Posted January 20 42 minutes ago, basil67 said: I think it's not so much about punishing you. Rather it's about protecting herself from you. After all, the most recent choice you've made is bringing someone she needs to be away from into your life. The message she gets from this that you're not respecting her boundaries....I mean, she can no longer visit you - or you visit her because he'll be around. You chose a guy who's homeless because of all the problems he's created in the lives of others him over her. And now you're having sex with him and declaring love. That's a shitty thing to do to your daughter. I hear what you say but they were friends and circumstances changed that. He through me will get better and that surely is for the good of everyone. He listens to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 20 Author Share Posted January 20 3 hours ago, Alpacalia said: So this is all very common when we don't want to turn inward and instead focus on someone else. It avoids facing our own need to draw strength from within and that is where we are most afraid to look. I feel this is the part you want to concentrate on. But at the same time you feel guilty, shame etc. Even though you enjoy the relationship you also feel dependency on a young man, who is just as young as your own children and less than half your age. I understand how the great make-out sessions may make you feel young and alive. The real problem is that eventually this is going to fade leaving you exposed to the core of your own pain and emptiness. That is what you are most afraid of feeling. I believe this is why you are not facing the truth now, such as social and family stability risks this may cost you. It is really important for you to have a real possibility of a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with a suitable partner, as this is the way to fill all of the empty spaces and heal your deep pain. Try to understand the deep reason, that you are afraid of who you are and what you face within- this is so essential here and now for you. See if you can find some support in a friend, therapist or social club to help you to confide in you, treasure you and be there - so you can do it for yourself as well. Food for thought. I will begin therapy soon and also seeing my Dr next week. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 25 minutes ago, DizzyBlonde said: I don't see the point in answering when you seem to have an agenda! I can assure you the photo is not 'photoshopped' and is of me im happier times! I don't feel assured 😂. My comment obviously touched a nerve, why do you think that might be? When you bring up this problem with your daughter with your therapist they'll hone straight in on how you present the narrative because that's where the problem seems to lie. You can tell yourself whatever story you need to to maintain your sense of justification, but you can't control how other people perceive it . Link to post Share on other sites
Author DizzyBlonde Posted January 20 Author Share Posted January 20 (edited) 1 hour ago, MsJayne said: I don't feel assured 😂. My comment obviously touched a nerve, why do you think that might be? When you bring up this problem with your daughter with your therapist they'll hone straight in on how you present the narrative because that's where the problem seems to lie. You can tell yourself whatever story you need to to maintain your sense of justification, but you can't control how other people perceive it . I think the patronising tone and the cheap photo comments were what touched a nerve and the main point you were making was therefore lost! I amnot justifying anything. My daughter and I are not close and we barely spoke since her father died many years ago. Only recently in the last year have we began communicating again and she allowed my grandson to visit. Edited January 20 by DizzyBlonde spelling Link to post Share on other sites
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