Gf broke boundary and is making me feel inadequate for asking questions?

[Ed Savoy]

My gf and I have been together for 1 year. She’s a wonderful person and we communicate quite well most of the time. Lately, things have been difficult because she’s got family on the other side of the world involved in the middle eastern conflict. She’s 23 and I’m 27. We are both in canada. She lives 5 hours away and I see her once a month for a few days or a week.

We both agreed and set boundaries in the beginning of the relationship. One of them was that we wouldn’t give our number or social media to any guys and I wouldn’t give it to girls. She specifically said “I see no reason to give my number or socials to any man and I would just tell them I have a boyfriend if they ask.” 
 

She went to a protest for her home country in her city in canada and a guy leading the protest picked her out of the crowd of people to go up on his truck and protest with him. Afterwards, she followed him around trying to speak to him in our native tongue but he was ignoring her bc he doesn’t speak it. They talked about the protests and she voluntarily gave him

her instagram. 
 

she didn’t tell me this, i asked her and she told me which usually she’ll disclose it without me asking if she needs to do that. I told her I don’t like how she broke the boundary and she got mad at me saying I’m overreacting and that he wasn’t flirting with her and she doesn’t want to follow the boundary anymore. She’s the very friendly type and often thinks people don’t have bad intentions and forgives easily. I explained that giving  her social media like that can allow for an open door for him to give her attention. She’s extremely gorgeous and gets hit on a lot. I trust her but I don’t understand why she broke the boundary when she’s never done so before. She gave me an excuse about needing protest information but she doesn’t need that from him directly, the protest she went to she found out about through other means and she can use those same methods without having a direct contact. I was calm and wasn’t being accusatory with her. I just nicely said that I don’t appreciate her breaking a boundary that I’ve followed strictly. She told me she doesn’t care anymore and will do worse if I don’t stop talking about it. 
 

this hurts me because I don’t think she cares about how I feel about certain things. She definitely is a social butterfly but she can be that without adding people on social media things. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Ed Savoy said:

. She definitely is a social butterfly but she can be that without adding people on social media things. 

Sorry this is happening. There seems to be a lot of challenges in this distance relationship. Unfortunately you don't seem happy or secure in it and that's common.

Social media is not a dating app. Some people use it to that end, but basically it's to connect to various people for various reasons. 

Once you feel the need to police someone's social media, it often indicates the beginning of the end because there is a fundamental lack of trust. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Ed Savoy said:

We both agreed and set boundaries in the beginning of the relationship. One of them was that we wouldn’t give our number or social media to any guys and I wouldn’t give it to girls

I am going to guess this boundary was your idea, initially? 

I am not big on offering social media contacts to strangers, but I also don't think it was a big deal in this context - in and of itself. However, she should not have argreed to this boundary if she wasn't planning on following through. Also, her reaction to your concern is a red flag:

3 hours ago, Ed Savoy said:

She told me she doesn’t care anymore and will do worse if I don’t stop talking about it.

So, is she threatening to cheat on you? Break up with you? I don't like the undertone of that. 

It seems you are discovering that you two are not as compatible as you thought or hoped. You would like a girlfriend who is more reserved, but that is not who she truly is. She is social and wants to connect with others, including through her socials. 

You may need to re-evaluate if this is really the right relationship for you. She seems to be pushing back, and you have a different set of expectations for each other. 

3 hours ago, Ed Savoy said:

Afterwards, she followed him around trying to speak to him in our native tongue but he was ignoring her bc he doesn’t speak it. They talked about the protests and she voluntarily gave him her instagram. 

Out of curiosity, how do you know this? It's not clear if you were also present at this protest. 

[Andy_K]

If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back, then it was never truly yours...

In other words, you can't control others so you shouldn't try. It'll only create resentment. You should let her be exactly the person she wants to be, and if she continuously acts in ways you're not comfortable with, then you've learned something important about your compatibility. 

Also, insecurity is unattractive, no matter how well justified you may believe it is. It'll only push her away.

[basil67]

I suspect she was smitten when she agreed to your rule.   While smitten, I've also agreed to things which in the light of sensibility would never work out for me.

In this case, the fact is the world is full of people of the opposite sex and it's unreasonable to want someone to not connect with them...and for better or worse, SM is part of the way we connect with others now.  And what does having no men on her SM achieve?  If she's gonna cheat, then she's going to cheat with or without SM.  Honestly, this rule isn't so much a boundary - it's more about control.  Boundaries are about what we let into our lives - they aren't about telling others what to do.

That said, her response to you wasn't good.  Was this her initial reaction?  Or was there an argument and she said this out of frustration at the end?

Finally, I can't imagine that seeing each other once a month for a few days is truly realistic  What plans do the two of you have in place to close the gap?

Edited January 15 by basil67

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

That said, her response to you wasn't good.  Was this her initial reaction?  Or was there an argument and she said this out of frustration at the end?

Ah, the answer is in the title:  You're asking questions (possibly interrogating) and she's tired of it and reacted

[BaileyB]

On 1/15/2024 at 8:19 AM, Ed Savoy said:

I told her I don’t like how she broke the boundary and she got mad at me saying I’m overreacting and that he wasn’t flirting with her and she doesn’t want to follow the boundary anymore.

She should be allowed to give people her Instagram info without asking your permission. Male or female. My partner doesn’t monitor my social media, and if he did it would be a problem for me.

I understand that he is a man and you are trying to restrict access to reduce the risk that she will cheat on you… but, if you don’t trust your girlfriend and you feel the need to do this - that speaks to a bigger problem.

If she is respecting the boundaries of your relationship, you shouldn’t feel the need to restrict/monitor her activities online. That’s called trust. YOU shouldn’t feel the need to monitor her activity and enforce a boundary. If she values your relationship, SHE should be maintaining an appropriate boundary with other men.

Is it possible for her to enforce a boundary this man WHILE adding him to her Instagram followers - of course. That said, the comment bolded above tells me that this is potentially a problem… 

If your girl is flirting with random men and adding them to Instagram, the solution is not for you to more strictly enforce a boundary - the solution is to end the relationship and find someone to date who will respect you enough to honour your relationship herself. 

Edited January 16 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

I think your original agreement was unrealistic.  There can be valid reasons for having to be in contact with somebody.  If this guy had better access to info from "back home" & could give her info about her relatives, you can't be upset by this.  If he was flirting with her that would be one thing but is this is the easiest way to find out about the protest don't make her do it the hard way.  

[MsJayne]

Personal boundaries aren't about controlling other people, they're about controlling yourself.  I think what you're describing is a restriction, not a boundary, and you don't have the right to restrict a partner's choices. She wants information from Protest Guy, it's not like she was at a rock concert and gave her Insta to some random guy in the crowd.  Even if she gave it to him because she perceives him as the Protest God and wants to fall at his feet, there wouldn't be much you could do about it.