Delayed thoughts about a past love

[br0ken_w0lf]

Hi everyone,

I'm embarrassed to say that it has been literal years since I posted here.  Which is unfortunate because after some browsing, I was reminded of the breadth of content and helpful people here.  Thank you in advance to anyone who gets through this novella...

We were together for 3 years, then married for 2.  In 2007, my then-wife indicated she wanted to separate.  I'd say now that it was a combination of us somewhat taking each other for granted and becoming too "roommate-like", some issues that she had due to past trauma (her assertion, not mine), as well as a shift in our overall dynamic i.e. when we met, she was knowingly experiencing some commitment and self-esteem issues but I was flying high after having met her and was able to be supportive; as time went on, this shifted as she got back to her normal self but some of my demons (self-esteem and social anxiety) began to come back.  This had been only my 3rd relationship in my life (and in those two previous relationships, I had ended them) and I knew early on that this was the woman I wanted to marry and spend my life with.  I loved her deeply, I was desperate to keep this separation from happening, and I had not experienced much emotional trauma/hardship in the past, at least none that wasn't self-inflicted; needless to say, I did not handle it well.  I did just about everything thing wrong in the ways that I dealt with my reality and my wife as well.  I begged, pleaded, stopped eating, took up smoking, drank heavily, would switch from loving and caring to sarcastic and hurtful from day to day while we were still sharing the house or on occasions where we would sit and talk as we negotiated our new paths.  I could have given seminars on how to be passive aggressive at times, truly.  I was still hopeful that we might be able to work on things right up until the very day I knew this not to be true (this was not all in my head and we both struggled with the decision), and we divorced officially a few months later.

It was a very rough few years following that, but with a lot of time, reflection, support and a small handful of relationships since, I survived (despite even not wanting to at times) and have been in a wonderful relationship for about 10 years now.  Since about 2008, I have not seen my ex-wife and have communicated via email in only two periods: once in 2017 when, after sufficient reflection, I wrote her an email to check in and also to apologize for how I handled everything back then, wishing I'd been more understanding and accepting instead of making a difficult decision even more difficult; and another time in 2021 when I was requesting contact info for someone.  All very positive interactions with shared blame on both sides.  But overall, over time I began to think of my ex-wife less and less, mostly thinking of  good things when an auditory or visual trigger would make itself known to me.  Having said that, I will admit to this day that there are a handful of songs that I never want to hear again, with which I associate that very painful breakup period.

However, for more than a couple of weeks now, for some inexplicable reason to me, I began to think of my ex-wife very frequently.  This worried me a little bit as I found it unusual, and I started thinking that perhaps the universe was attempting to tell me that something bad had happened.  Eventually I emailed her to check in and see how things were going, and to dispel any bad-vibe feelings I might have been having.  Thankfully, everything was perfectly fine.  But now, since the first day she started entering my mind again, I began thinking back to all the things I missed about her, how we used to spend our time, how we had similar senses of humor, how I missed the person I was with her (in the earlier days), etc.  I have no doubt that a piece of me died when my marriage did, and I feel that my personality was somewhat neutered in the process, like I've never quite gotten back to the person I was (note: I have had therapy and am still on antidepressants to this day).  I wasn't the most outgoing person to begin with but I'd definitely isolated myself further since then.  I also recently re-read many of the old emails I had, which naturally brought back a flood of memories.  Obviously, we were both much younger then but it goes far beyond nostalgia.  The thing I can't figure out is why now?  Why after about 15 years am I thinking this way?  What has triggered this?  What is my brain hoping to gain from all of this analysis and memory replay?  It's as though my brain has re-awoken and realized that, "oh right, I'm NOT actually going to grow old with her...", despite the fact that it's been 15 years and we've both obviously moved on.  It just feels bizarre to me.

I'll admit to thinking in the past that whatever relationship I had just started, that that person was THE single person that I was meant to be with.  And when those other relationships ended, it was because that partner must not have been THE person, and that I hadn't found that person yet.  Over the years, my views on this have changed (it's a big world after all) and I now look at relationships more in terms of a Venn diagram with all of the circles intersecting with me (my circle) representing past partners.  Some "fit" more than others, having a greater overlap and leaving a larger impression; some less so.  I think that over time, a span of years, indirectly and/or subconsciously, I've come to the conclusion that my ex-wife - despite clearly being my EX-wife and the reality that we have both moved on - may have provided the most overlap in my Venn diagram analogy.  I used to think that "getting over" someone had to have an endpoint; but I think as time has gone on, my belief is now that you never really "get over" something like this.  The pain decreases with time, other people and things replace those from the past, but that's as final as it is for the time being (at least until The Truly Final Moment).  Then I think about the relationships that I've ended, and wonder if that person has similar thoughts about me.  Where they think that maybe if things had happened at a different time, or if certain events had unfolded differently, that today might be different, perhaps it would have worked out.   I hope that no one does think about me that way, because it... well, sucks.  Don't get me wrong, I said earlier that I was in a wonderful relationship now and I meant it.  But this bizarre thought process about my ex-wife has really thrown me.

I'm trying to figure out how people who may have found themselves in similar situations deal with this?  When they come to the conclusion that maybe they are not as happy as they once were with someone else.  When they feel like they've lost someone from their past with whom they shared a bond that rivals all others?  Do you just stuff it down, accept reality, and convince yourself that the time you had with that person was when and of the duration in which you were meant to have it?  That you can be happy in the present but still long for something in the past?  That you can love someone in the present but recognize that you still love someone from your past?

Maybe I just needed to actually admit it: I still love her and I'd never really stopped wishing I could be with her.  At this point, I'm considering writing a letter to my ex-wife (not to be sent) in the hopes that it will help me understand my thought processes.  I think overall I'm just sad how people who are so important to us at points in our lives enter and exit.  I know this is just a part of life and everyone experiences it at various times.  But my brain doesn't seem to want to think this way at the moment.

Take care everyone; life is difficult and our minds are complex...

 

[br0ken_w0lf]

I posted a much longer message about this but I've had an additional couple of weeks of experience, to boil it down and be more concise.  Was just wondering if anyone has ever had the experience of suddenly, after several or even many years, having an ex-partner/spouse abruptly and strongly enter your mind, and stay there for an extended period?  I have not seen my ex-wife in 15 years, we have both moved on (she re-married, I've been in a great relationship for several years), and have had minimal contact (email only, a handful of times) over the past 15 years.  Admittedly, the breakup/divorce was extremely difficult for me.

Just before the New Year, I began thinking about her.  Remembering how we got along, being together, her sense of humor, the way we aligned on things, etc.  We fit together better than anyone I've ever been with (and I do understand that feeling may not be mutual).  And I'm just plain missing her.  A lot.  And having this strange realization that we are NOT going to be together forever as we once planned.  Obviously, this is not the first time I've had this realization but it's as though it's renewed in my head, 15 years later.  So now I have this mental soundtrack in my head of my ex-wife, in addition to everything that is normally going on up there.  It's bizarre, disturbing, and just saddens me.  It's just sad that sometimes, people who can mean so much to each other, can go to simply never seeing each other again; I know this is life, but it's sad.  Anyway, I find this whole experience very strange; started to wonder if I'm having some kind of mental break and my brain has time-travelled somehow, causing me to revisit that relationship and all the feelings associated with it...

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry you're struggling so much with this, OP. 

I have not had this experience personally. But I would ask yourself this: how is your current relationship going? You say it's great but I wonder if something is missing for you to be reaching so far into the past and feeling nostagic about a long-over relationship. 

[semble]

I was going to post the same thing as the poster above. Something's missing in this relationship, maybe a lot of things and if you don't believe that to be true then it could be good old denial at work here. If things were so great now you wouldn't be so inclined to reminisce over past loves. Not that there's much you can do about it other than accept it. The lid stays on the simmering pot for only so long before it boils over.

[Alpacalia]

I feel you. I once felt that way about someone. Over time, slowly, without my intending it, it died down. Later I learned that the person was married. It would have been tough had I not let those feelings dissipate. Years can blur what really happened but certain feelings can linger. 

Remember that you're in a different place now and have moved on. You have built a new life for yourself. Reminiscing about the past can be therapeutic, but dwelling on it for an extended period of time can hinder your ability to move forward and fully enjoy the present. So, what is it about the present  that you are unhappy/unsatisfied with, that may be activating feelings for your ex?

It's been 15 years, so the memories are probably a lot sweeter now you've had time away from each other. Remember, she's a changed person now - as are you. It is not always about 'what could have been' it is about 'what is'.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, br0ken_w0lf said:

 I've been in a great relationship for several years)

Please focus on your current relationship. Whatever nostalgia and ruminating is going on may be something to explore within because it doesn't really seem to have anything to do with your current situation or your ex-wife. Perhaps you are idealizing the past and healthier, more youthful times? 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support. Perhaps this ruminating is just a reflection of some underlying changes and issues. 

 

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I feel you. I once felt that way about someone. Over time, slowly, without my intending it, it died down. Later I learned that the person was married.

I just realized that came out wrong. He was single (as was I) when we dated.

Edited January 30 by Alpacalia

[br0ken_w0lf]

First, thanks so much for all the replies, they are truly appreciated!  I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this at the moment so you taking the time to reply means a lot.  I've been taking the week to digest them as well as to gauge my feelings; great insights from everyone and I'll comment on the replies below: 

On 1/30/2024 at 2:55 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Sorry you're struggling so much with this, OP. 

I have not had this experience personally. But I would ask yourself this: how is your current relationship going? You say it's great but I wonder if something is missing for you to be reaching so far into the past and feeling nostagic about a long-over relationship. 

 

On 1/30/2024 at 3:46 AM, semble said:

I was going to post the same thing as the poster above. Something's missing in this relationship, maybe a lot of things and if you don't believe that to be true then it could be good old denial at work here. If things were so great now you wouldn't be so inclined to reminisce over past loves. Not that there's much you can do about it other than accept it. The lid stays on the simmering pot for only so long before it boils over.

I suspect you and ExpatInItaly are on to something to some degree.  I know there are things that could be better (nothing is ever perfect after all) so I do need to work on identifying those and working towards resolving or at least learning to live with them.  I'm in my early 50s so perhaps my appetite for compromise is not what it used to be either.  And yeah, I guess that reminiscing will lead nowhere really, which I can expand on later.

On 1/30/2024 at 8:42 AM, Alpacalia said:

I feel you. I once felt that way about someone. Over time, slowly, without my intending it, it died down. Later I learned that the person was married. It would have been tough had I not let those feelings dissipate. Years can blur what really happened but certain feelings can linger. 

Remember that you're in a different place now and have moved on. You have built a new life for yourself. Reminiscing about the past can be therapeutic, but dwelling on it for an extended period of time can hinder your ability to move forward and fully enjoy the present. So, what is it about the present  that you are unhappy/unsatisfied with, that may be activating feelings for your ex?

It's been 15 years, so the memories are probably a lot sweeter now you've had time away from each other. Remember, she's a changed person now - as are you. It is not always about 'what could have been' it is about 'what is'.

That's similar to me, the dissipation of thoughts and longing happened very gradually and over the course of a handful of new relationships for me (probably a red flag on my end as this indicates that I hadn't been able to feel whole/happy unless I was in a relationship).  In 2017, I learned that she had re-married, taken her husband's last name (she hadn't taken mine because she wanted to retain the cultural part of her identity which I was fine with), and had a child.  My response at that time was genuine happiness for her on all fronts, and no more; no reminiscing, sadness, etc.  She had resolved some of her own issues that were a factor in our marriage failing and it was a better fit for her culturally as well.

I've always maintained that I just wanted her to be happy - which is true - but of course I had preferred that she be happy with me.  I've always had issues with self-esteem and some social anxiety to begin with but the ending of my marriage really took a toll on me and left some aspects of me dead.  There's some cyclic aspects of my feelings for sure as I've again gone from wanting her to be happy or being happy for her to re-analyzing everything, seeing things as meaning I wasn't good enough, comparing myself to her unknown-to-me husband and assuming I was inferior, etc.  I know she's fully moved on, it's fully evident; in events, her language, etc.  It just sucks on the other end when that person has moved on and you find yourself stuck in time and thinking about various things; is there anything about me that she misses?  does she even remember my birthday?  would she remember even a fraction of the things that I remember about us?  I suppose this is often the reality when 1) you didn't make the choice to end the relationship  2) you haven't really gotten over it.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be thinking of any of this too much.  Thinking back to the end of the year, I think my Dad casually mentioned her while I was home visiting; I think that's what set my mind off on this path.  Our brains are interesting things...

On 1/30/2024 at 8:49 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Please focus on your current relationship. Whatever nostalgia and ruminating is going on may be something to explore within because it doesn't really seem to have anything to do with your current situation or your ex-wife. Perhaps you are idealizing the past and healthier, more youthful times? 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support. Perhaps this ruminating is just a reflection of some underlying changes and issues. 

 

Well, your username checks out, as they say    You are indeed wise.  I have most definitely struggled with mental health issues over the course of my life, have been on medication for a few years now, have tried therapy several times (am completely open to therapy but have yet to find a therapist who seems to understand my issues), likely need to try again.  It is - as with everyone - unique and complicated.  And I know my issues with my ex are heavily tied to my own mental health issues.  I was quite low last night but am a little better today.  I think I'd stuffed a lot of my feelings deep down over the years and buried them.  I feel like I'd always thought that maybe we would be together again, perhaps later in life (a la The Notebook or something); my Venn diagram analogy still rings true for me, we were ultimately a better fit (at least she was for me, again I suspect this is not reciprocal).  Even in my delusions about such a thing, I always find myself judging my own life through her eyes, what I've done, how I've spent my time, and feeling like it would be insufficient.  Or that I hadn't grown in the same ways.  Like I would be less and not good enough for her even if that had happened.  Or using her as a motivation or catalyst for making changes and improvements in my life, regardless of how many years had gone by.  That is messed up and I know it.

All that to say, yes, I do need to look into therapy again.  And I do need to focus on the present.

On 1/30/2024 at 5:09 PM, Alpacalia said:

I just realized that came out wrong. He was single (as was I) when we dated.

Understood, I originally read it the way that you had intended    

[Alpacalia]

47 minutes ago, br0ken_w0lf said:

I've always maintained that I just wanted her to be happy - which is true - but of course I had preferred that she be happy with me.  I've always had issues with self-esteem and some social anxiety to begin with but the ending of my marriage really took a toll on me and left some aspects of me dead.  There's some cyclic aspects of my feelings for sure as I've again gone from wanting her to be happy or being happy for her to re-analyzing everything, seeing things as meaning I wasn't good enough, comparing myself to her unknown-to-me husband and assuming I was inferior, etc.  I know she's fully moved on, it's fully evident; in events, her language, etc.  It just sucks on the other end when that person has moved on and you find yourself stuck in time and thinking about various things; is there anything about me that she misses?  does she even remember my birthday?  would she remember even a fraction of the things that I remember about us?  I suppose this is often the reality when 1) you didn't make the choice to end the relationship  2) you haven't really gotten over it.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be thinking of any of this too much.  Thinking back to the end of the year, I think my Dad casually mentioned her while I was home visiting; I think that's what set my mind off on this path.  Our brains are interesting things...

If I may say, it does seem more like a lack of feeling you were good enough more so then missing HER.

It does sound like you've sort of accepted things, but that nagging feeling of not being good enough is still lingering and you are expressing this by thinking about your ex-wife.

At the end of the day, no one is really good enough for anyone. We all got our flaws 😆. I would say try just relearning to be happy. Do what you need to to tame that low self-esteem and social anxiety. Just work on yourself. Make YOU happy and along the way, just let the anxiety and all of that slowly fade away by just being in your own lane and happy with being there.

[br0ken_w0lf]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

If I may say, it does seem more like a lack of feeling you were good enough more so then missing HER.

It does sound like you've sort of accepted things, but that nagging feeling of not being good enough is still lingering and you are expressing this by thinking about your ex-wife.

At the end of the day, no one is really good enough for anyone. We all got our flaws 😆. I would say try just relearning to be happy. Do what you need to to tame that low self-esteem and social anxiety. Just work on yourself. Make YOU happy and along the way, just let the anxiety and all of that slowly fade away by just being in your own lane and happy with being there.

I think yes and no.  I think my self-esteem issues have been there for years and they have reared their heads and retreated many times.  And I have certainly gone through phases where I thought they were dealt with but clearly they are not.  At the same time, I did write the letter to my ex that I had mentioned originally (not to be sent, just as therapy for myself) and there isn't anything untrue in it; there are things I regret doing or not doing, I do still miss her, I do still love her, and for me, she was the best fit in all areas that I valued important to me.  The trick for me is to remember those things from the past, recognize them for what they were and when they were, and not long for them or turn them on myself.  But I'm clearly not there yet.  This is not a huge city so perhaps there is a reason why we've never bumped into each other; I think it would really mess me up.

Yes, absolutely we are all flawed and I believe you are correct, I do need to relearn to be happy.  And, as you mentioned, I need to continue to work on my issues and self-acceptance; in moments of lucidity, I can see my patterns.  Of stalled attempts of making health/diet/relationship/behavioral changes or keeping up with hobbies; food addiction/emotional eating; reluctance in efficiently completing tasks; difficulty and/or inability to make permanent changes in general, etc.

My personality and its quirks have always made more life difficult than it need be; it does seem like a chore at times and sometimes I'm just tired, in a way that is more likely reserved for someone much older and near the end of their life, not someone in their 50s.  Thank you again.